johnwolfra Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) Long story short, so I worked with this guy during college and hung out with him every now and then (watching movies or whatever). He had this girlfriend he was fairly serious with during that time, but I only met her a couple times. He graduated, moved a few hours away, and we kept in touch sporadically. Went to hang out with him one weekend, etc. A couple months later though it was basically nothing, just like commenting on or "liking" Facebook **** and I haven't really talked to him since. I was friends with his old girlfriend on facebook, and for some reason I started talking to her. At this point they had been broken up for I believe two years, maybe one, and he had had two other girlfriends of over 6 months a piece. We talked for a couple months, and ended up having a highly sexual relationship for about 3 months. I broke up with her for reasons not important to this. Anyway, so should I feel at all guilty about this? I mean, I hadn't even talked to the guy in a year. Also, this was a unique case because this ended up being my first girlfriend ever (at 23 :-( ) and also the only girl I've ever had sex with. I talked to one of my other friends that didn't know him at all and told him about how he had had 2 more girlfriends, been over a year, etc. and asked his opinion on whether or not I was breaking the "code" by not asking him if it was "ok". He said "it's been over a year and he's already moved on twice so I don't think you have to ask him anything". At the time this is exactly what I wanted to hear, and even though I still kind of feel that way a little, I'm starting to wonder if I should have asked him. I guess if I had asked him and it came down to him saying that he didn't like it I would have said "well, sorry man but I can't pass this up" and done it anyway. I mean, if I hadn't taken that opportunity I would be a 26 year old who has never had a girlfriend or had sex. The only reason I am thinking about it again is I ended up moving about 30-45 away from where his (and his ex-gf's) hometown is and he commented on some random FB status of mine the other day (shows how often I talk to this guy, maybe once a year?) For some bizarre reason I feel like I should bring it up 2.5 years later and apologize, but I feel like this is just me feeling unnecessarily guilty and I don't think that would do anything but stir up trouble. I mean, if he hasn't found out by now he probably isn't going to and we haven't talked or hung out in over two years. Thoughts? Edited July 29, 2014 by johnwolfra
Zeurich Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 Hi dear , your story is not clear to me. But if I were you I am not going to hook up with my friends ex es that cause only problems and loosing friendships too. Don't you any one else other than your friend ex? any way if they are no together and no tight bond I don't think you should feel guilty any way!
Author johnwolfra Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) "Don't you any one else other than your friend ex? " I don't understand what you mean here. If you're asking if I meet other women, the answer is no. I ask 2 or 3 out a year when the conditions seem right and it never works out. I try online dating about every 6 months, sending out 100+ messages, get 1 or 2 responses and then get a single date that never goes past that. To re-cap: I worked with a guy and hung out with him during college every week or every other week. He graduated, moved away, and we hung out once after that but basically just haven't talked to each other in maybe 2-3 years. A couple years ago I started talking to his ex on facebook and got in a relationship. She was my first and only girlfriend and the only girl I've had sex with, and it was amazing while it lasted. She had broken up with him a year or two prior to this and he had had two other girlfriends since then. If I had still been talking to him and hanging out with him at that time I feel fairly strongly that I would have asked him what he thought about it. Like I said though, there is an equally high chance that if he had said he didn't want me to do it I would have told him I just couldn't pass it up. Edited July 29, 2014 by johnwolfra
gaius Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 The bro code is one the biggest piles of bullsht ever. Almost every guy is off humping his friends girls when given the opportunity. So don't feel bad. Because he would be dating your ex in a heartbeat.
Trimmer Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 (edited) I think of the "bro code" not as some forever-binding moral obligation, but as a guideline to how to sensibly keep a friendship intact. IF you care about keeping a close friendship intact with another guy, THEN you should think carefully about dating his ex, and what effect that might have on your friendship. If it's super important to you to keep his close friendship as a priority, then it's probably good advice not to date his ex. But how close you want to be, how much you care to maintain the friendship, and how long ago she was his GF all factor in to that. In this case, you don't really have that close a friendship with him - or any at all, really? - and it doesn't seem like there's any concern or intention on either side to get close or stay close, so I don't see that there's an issue. For me, the "bro code" is no more than common sense about how you choose to maintain a friendship with another guy. No friendship to maintain, no "code" applies. No apologies needed. No guilt needed. Plus, give the woman credit for being an adult individual - she's not someone's marked property. And give yourself credit for having experienced an adult relationship. In spite of the fact that it ended, I assume there were parts of it that were good experiences? Good for you. Now move on. Edited July 29, 2014 by Trimmer
Andy_K Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 The bro code is one the biggest piles of bullsht ever. Almost every guy is off humping his friends girls when given the opportunity. So don't feel bad. Because he would be dating your ex in a heartbeat. I'm glad I don't have friends like yours.
gaius Posted July 29, 2014 Posted July 29, 2014 I'm glad I don't have friends like yours. But you do, you just don't know it yet.
Author johnwolfra Posted July 29, 2014 Author Posted July 29, 2014 So I guess it isn't so much that he hadn't been with her in a year, had had a couple girlfriends, etc. that "made it ok" but that we weren't that good of friends anymore? Meaning, this probably wouldn't be something that would be a good idea to do with someone that I currently hang out with. Like someone else mentioned, just because this girl dated him doesn't mean I should never be able to date her. In case there might have still been some resentment between the two, but the guy wasn't a lifelong friend or anything so I don't feel like I was breaking any loyalty and the idea that I should ask his "permission" seemed ridiculous. If I still regularly hung out with him or talked to him then I guess I would feel different about it. I feel like there is a huge difference between her breaking up with him to go out with me and them having been broken up for one or two years and both having had a couple more relationships after the fact. It was quite obvious she didn't date me to get back at him in some way because she never made at an attempt to make it known to him or publicize it (in fact she pulled the "i'm not your girlfriend" card on me and that's why I dumped her.. we had had sex at least 15-20 times and spent multiple weekends together, not sure what you call that). I guess it falls into the "guilt" category, but I guess I was just thinking that if I ran into the guy or started talking to him or somr reason on facebook that I would feel uncomfortable about it. I feel like if I ran into him we would still be "friends", meaning we don't resent each other for any reason, we just kind of went different ways, so I guess that is part of this. Say I wanted to reconnect with this guy, would it be the "right thing" to do to tell him? I guess if it came up I would just say "it had been a year or two and you had had a couple serious girlfriends since then so I didn't think it was a problem". So yes, I'm not that good of friends anymore, or much at all with this guy, but the feeling that I did something that would cause resentment if we ever started talking again. I guess I need to just man up, but I'm the kind of guy that is overly honest about ****, like if I get an extra dollar in change at the grocery store I'd probably go give it back.
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