Struggling after a break-up and worried about intimacy issues.

[RadioDays]

I've been reading through the posts on this site, and it's helped me because I realise I'm not alone, so thank you all for sharing your experiences. I'd also like to share where I'm at tonight, and how I got here. Almost exactly a year ago I split up with my ex after 8 years together. I'd been pushing her away for months, hurting her when she clearly loved me, telling her I wanted the relationship to end but not actually leaving. And then she made the decision herself and left me for someone else. I was devastated. I'd wanted to end it and yet I felt abandoned when it was over.

 

Since then I've done a lot of reading, a lot of therapy, and quite a lot of meditation. By Christmas I was progressing, slowly, my weight was back up to normal, sleeping was fine, I was keeping busy socially, work was going well, and I was slowly trying to understand and learn from what had happened. The gaps between the really bad times were getting a little longer. It was still hard, but I was functioning ok.

 

And then at the turn of the New Year I got together with a girl who asked me out for a coffee. I was flattered that anyone could be interested in me, I wasn't exactly riding a wave of high self-esteem back then. We went out, but I said that I wasn't ready for any kind of dating thing, I was still sore from the breakup. I then over-ruled myself, and the next night I was at her place. I really didn't want to go to hers that particular night, so quickly after the first date was way too soon for me, but I was trying to convince myself that I was fine with it, that I was ready, because I wanted to be ready, I was worried that she might lose interest if she thought I wasn't ready. I clearly wasn't ready, I over-ruled what I think was a pretty sound initial instinct. I found myself in a situation that made me feel very vulnerable and all my old issues that were unresolved - and I think in hindsight had contributed to my relationship break-up - resurfaced. I was insecure that night, and it manifested itself in neediness, and also – god, to remember this is painful – I asked her if she even wanted me there because she seemed disinterested. I knew she'd been seeing other people, quite a lot of guys, she even told me that night what a great kisser one of them had been (hearing that didn't help my already jangled nerves, it just fed my insecurity). She'd had a tough break-up around the same time as me and since then had, as she put it, gone on a bit of a 'shagathon' afterwards. I made mistakes that night, and as Oracle has wisely written in other posts, I had expectations and they weren't matched. And I left that night, and she wouldn't have anything to do with me again. I hurt her. I know I did because she told me she spent the rest of the next day crying. And I'm so sad and sorry about that. I caused my ex a huge amount of pain too, I saw it played out in front of me for months before she left.

 

There's a lot of gaps in that night with the girl for me, I don't really know what she was thinking, I may have been right about some things, I may have been wrong about other things and misread them, the only thing I know for sure is how I reacted, and I still regret it and wish I could have controlled my anxiety and peeled myself off the ceiling and relaxed. But I couldn't. There's been a lot more reading, and meditating, and therapy since that night in January. I think I've discovered a few things about what might have been the reasons behind that night turning out so badly, and for the end of my 8 year relationship too. I don't know, but what I've been exploring, and where I've been trying to get in touch with, is that as a child I was emotionally neglected, and in later life this has manifested itself in problems getting close to people. In particular with my ex, our sex life was never very strong, and non-existence in the final few years. I can see now that a factor in that was me keeping a distance, finding intimacy difficult and a scary. But I think it was only getting together with the girl in January when I got so spooked by the sudden intimacy, and my perception – real or misguided, that she wasn't that into me - that I realised that there was something there that really scared me. It's like it shone a light on it for the first time. I didn't feel secure that night in January and I reacted badly by questioning her about whether she wanted me there and if I was just another shag to her, and then leaving.

 

If the end of my relationship brought me to my knees, this brief encounter with the girl felt like it left me face down in the dirt. I've had such a hard 6 months since then, it's felt like an extra layer of pain on top of the pain of the breakup with my ex. Just one night but it's had such an impact on me. I've successfully kept the NC rule with my ex, but I've not managed it with this girl, who I've thought of incessantly since that night. She perhaps touched something in me that my ex had not got close to in years, if ever. Because 6 months on, this past weekend, I was in tears for most of it because I saw the girl twice: once in the park walking her dog with a guy, and I thought as I drove past in my car that they were a couple, and then I saw her again later with him shopping together for food. I so wanted to be the one who was with her, I felt so intensely lonely seeing them together. I wanted to be with her, and more generally I probably want what she has, the intimacy she has on all sorts of levels. I don't have that in my life. I think the NC rule is covered now, I won't contact her again, it had been pretty sproradic anyway: a text in February, and then a gap until the last one just a couple of weeks ago. I was in such a funk the night after seeing them together, and all I wanted was to cry and someone to hold me as I cried. I felt like that lonely child again. I didn't have anyone I could ask to come over. It's a hard thing to ask: come over and hold me while I cry my head off on a Saturday night. Dammit, why can't we rent huggers?! I also had a very vivid dream that night, about my ex, though not sure it was really about her, I don't know what it meant.

 

So why am I writing all this? Because I think I might have some insight, but I'm still incredibly sad, heartbroken, missing, wishing. I liked what I read somewhere on this forum about if you really love or want someone, let them go. I still have a whole bag of issues with my ex too, there's a blockage there as well. With her I lost someone I was very close to, intensely close, yet was also pushing away. Insecurity, feelings of abandonment – I abandoned myself and I abandoned her – and I realise I probably struggle with attachment to people, it's like a defective gene, I didn't have a proper emotional attachment to my parents growing up. The girl in January dazzled me and touched me deeply, even though it was a very short time we had together. I don't know how to heal my insecurities, and weekends like this leave me hurtling back to my past and I feel really lonely, and fearful that I'll never get close to someone without building barriers and generally messing it up. If anything I've written chimes with anyone I'd really like to hear your thoughts.

[travelbug1996]

I can totally relate seeing as though I had walls up for a very long time. Mine were to due not having a mom or dad to nurture me emotionally, mentally, physically. I always felt like if my own parents didn't love me who would. I sabotaged relationships with good men and had no boundaries with bad ones. Emotionally detached from my exh and went on auto pilot a lot with my kid.

 

My epiphany happened during my divorce. It was like the flood gates of my heart opened. I had lost everything. My job, my husband and my son went to live with his dad. I had to learn to feel all my feelings even the loneliness and pain. I had to get used to feeling the good ones as well since my primary emotions were anger or indifference. I joined emotions anonymous and CODA groups here in Chicago and the people and the literature set me free.

 

My biggest lesson is learning that the only love that really matters in this life is the love I learn to give to myself. I was always looking for someone else to love me. Someone to validate me. Someone else to give me a stamp of approval. Always Chasing a Feeling.

 

Now for the first time in my life I'm ok with not being in a relationship. I'm spending time with myself learning about what I enjoy (gardening and planting roses) and just enjoying life without needing someone else to be happy.

 

I am learning to be my own best friend.

 

Just sit with your pain. Joy is on the way. Pain is the Great Motivator. Continue to educate yourself about the barriers to intimacy. We all have them. I use to give my heart away. Now I keep it open but I won't be giving it away ever again.

[RadioDays]

Thanks Travelbug1996, I totally get what you say about feeling the pain and the joy, I wasn't really in touch with either before this past year. I didn't used to cry much either but I do now, which I think is a good thing really. Feels like a slog at the moment though, the weekend made me tumble back and lose some confidence, but thanks you for your post, hard work ahead but hopefully worth it all.