Boyfriend deliberately destroyed expensive gift i bought him in a rage...

[woodkirk101]

Boyfriend deliberately destroyed expensive gift i bought him in a drunken rage...

 

I bought my boyfriend quite a high-end expensive bracelet as a present last year. it was around $400 (that may not be much money to some of you guys here but it is a hell of a lot of money to me). we were never really a couple who lavished very expensive gifts upon eachother but, having been with him for a long time, i wanted to get him something special. he loved it, it was in keeping with his style etc and he seemed overjoyed.

 

at the time his own mother told me i had spent too much money and that, quote "he didn't deserve it" !!!... i didn't know if that was a 'red flag' or not... fast forward a few months and the clasp on the bracelet started going dodgy and wouldn't fasten properly at times (so much for my $400, but anyway!) the item was under warranty and i repeatedly asked him for months to get it fixed. he didn't bother... he then wore it on a night out without first fixing the dodgy clasp and of course it fell off his wrist. this upset me as it was a special present that i'd spent a lot of money on and he didn't seem to care.i kept telling him to get it fixed and i was getting progressively more angry as time went on and i kept 'nagging' (as he put it) him about it. one night i told him it really upset me that it was lying there in his house broken and unworm and he just said 'how can you be so upset over that?' like it was no reason to be annoyed.

 

more time passed and one night we went to a party with friends where we both consumed alot of alcohol, we were very, very drunk (stupid i know) ... thenback at his house we got into a really bad drunken argument and the subject of the bracelet came up. things got completely out of hand and he completely lost it- in a drunken rage he twisted the bracelet completely destroying it and threw it on the ground! all of the links were mangled. it was basically ruined and unwearable. i cried...he blamed me saying i had wound him up by going on and on about it. he told me he never asked for such a lavish gift and that i'd only bought it to try and have some kind of control over him (not true)

 

the following day he was very remorseful, full of apologies, telling me how ashamed he was, that what he'd done was disgusting. and he vowed to get the bracelet fixed. in my mind i thought i could forgive him and i blamed the alcohol (i have done stupid things when drunk that were completely out of character so i thought i'd give him a chance even though i was hurt). i confided in my best friend who told me that for her, this would be a deal breaker and she would have ended the relationship, she said the behaviour was disrespectful and bordering on abusive. she also said 'actions speak louder than words, he can apologise but let's see if he actually bothers to get it fixed...'

 

he didn't!!!!! he still hasn't!!!!

 

since smashing it to smithereens, it is STILL lying in a broken heap in his house. this is months since he destroyed it and now almost one whole year since i originally bought it for him. whenever i mention it he either says 'i'm going to get it fixed' or loses his temper because i'm going 'on and on' about it.

 

i am so hurt, what would you do? would this be a deal breaker for you?

 

do you blame the alcohol or him? i thought if he truly cared he would have left it into a repair shop straight away.

 

please help

Edited July 28, 2014 by woodkirk101

[MidwestUSA]

Well, I can't comment on your current situation, but in hindsight, you should have just taken it yourself and got it fixed under the warranty. It would have avoided all the 'nagging" that pushed him over the edge.

 

Look at how much time passed between the clasp breaking, and the smashing incident. Wasted time, and a completely avoidable result.

[woodkirk101]

i offered to take it several times but he said he would do it

[MidwestUSA]

i offered to take it several times but he said he would do it

 

That's the point where you just walk out of the house with it and do it. Live and learn.

 

Dial back the drinking, both of you.

[Philosoraptor]

Even before the alcohol incident he showed you a lot of anger. While bringing it up over and over might be nagging a bit, his reaction was overboard. If he gets this angry over this what can you expect when something truly worth getting upset about comes up?

[woodkirk101]

thanks for the reply, i know that i did 'nag' him but i still don't think i deserved that kind of outburst from him, no matter how much he says i 'pushed' him, it really hurt me

[woodkirk101]

Philosoraptor thank you for your reply, i think anger is an issue for him, although i know i can be guilty of ranting on and on sometimes. i just felt like it was disrespectful to me, almost as if i meant nothing to him. i'm not sure i can move on from this, although neither of us have consumed alcohol since. we don't drink or party much these days but when we do it can get out of hand. this whole incident does relate to a wider issue- that i feel he does take me for granted a little after so many years together.

 

i just wanted an outside opinion- would this be a deal breaker for other people, would they end the relationship?

[Philosoraptor]

i just wanted an outside opinion- would this be a deal breaker for other people, would they end the relationship?

I stuck around with a high tempered female for quite a few years... it became suffocating and miserable walking on egg shells not knowing what was going to cause a snap.

 

I got away from it a few years back, met a great woman and married her.

 

You don't have to settle for someone you are anything short of happy with.

[Els]

Well, first off, I agree with the others that he was wrong to react violently; his reaction was over the top.

 

But... I don't think you were completely blameless either. Honestly, when you give someone a gift, there should be no expectations attached to it. You shouldn't be nagging him to fix the bracelet that you bought for him - it's really a small issue in the grand scheme of things, and you focused on it far too much. If it affects you this severely that he let the bracelet go after a few months, that means that you spent far more than you should've on the present. Next time, give within your means and without expectations.

[mammasita]

Speaking from hindsight and my experience, I f I were you and knew what I know now I would say it was a deal breaker and be gone.

 

My ex-fiancé did the same to me. He drank, punched holes in walls in drunken rages and never NEVER picked up a mother effing finger to repair his damn mess.

 

It still angers me.

 

Anyway, again, in hindsight, I was terribly distraught when my ex dumped me, but honey I dodged a HUGE heat seeking missile with his anger and drinking.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree with Elswyth.

 

He needs to learn better ways to cope with his anger. Getting mad & destroying things is impulsive & immature.

 

However, you should not give gifts with strings attached. You value the bracelet because to you, it is an expression of your love for him, and $400 is a significant chunk of change for you. But you can't make others value items the same way. We all have different value systems. Some of us treasure experiences & time together and do not place much value on tangible things.

 

Your expectations surrounding the bracelet and how he should care for it has changed the meaning of your gift. Instead of viewing it as a token of your love, he is now associating it with conflict, control, expectations, stress, etc.

 

You should reconsider the relationship because:

1) Mom said he didn't deserve the gift (what does she know about him?)

2) He is immature & impulsive, especially while drinking

3) Your values & expectations are clashing

4) You both do not communicate well or consider the other persons POV

 

Going forward, do not give gifts that you cannot afford. It sounds like you had the expectation that he would be more appreciative of the gift because it was expensive, which led to your own disappointment when he did not treasure it like you wanted him to. Once you give a gift, accept that it is now out of your care, custody and control.

 

I love giving gifts and think it's fun to buy things for my husband & kids. I also like being appreciated for the generosity, so I do understand where you are coming from. I think you had every right to initially express your disappointment that he doesn't value the bracelet as much as you hoped he would. But after discussing it once with no action on his part, you should've just told yourself "He doesn't take care of his jewelry, so I won't buy it anymore." Instead, you kept bringing it up & asking about it. Most people do not respond positively to that tactic. To them, it sounds like nagging, controlling or that we are playing victim or putting a guilt trip on them. Accept that he is a grown man and is capable of getting something fixed if he values it. And if he doesn't get it fixed, then decide if his irresponsibility or lack of appreciation is a deal breaker for you.

[woodkirk101]

thank you, this has really helped to put things in to perspective for me. i am going to back off from it (i have been obsessing over this, only because it hurt me) and i am NOT going to mention it to him at all. if he wants to fix it he will, if not- oh well - it is out of my hands now, it is his possession not mine. however, i still think if he valued my feelings at all he would have got the thing fixed by now.

 

i really didn't give him the gift to buy his love or anything like that. i think for me the bracelet represented the fact that i thought a lot of him and so when he didn't value it like i thought he would i thought that meant he didn't value me. it's not about being ungrateful, it's just when you go to a lot of effort to buy someone something special and they don't seem to appreciate it, it hurts.

 

one thing that Quiet Storm touched upon was his mom's reaction- the ''he doesn't deserve it'' ...this has and still does ring alarm bells for me. mainly because i have been hurt in the past (an ex bf cheated on me when i was younger) and at the time my ex's mom would say things to me like ''he takes you for granted'' ''you know, you can do better than him'' i remember laughing nervously when she said it me assuming she was joking and she just turned to me, looked me right in the eye and said ''no, i'm being serious'' ...in hindsight i think she knew about his cheating (he lived with his mom) and this was her way of letting me know without actually dropping him in it... maybe my current boyfriend's mom knows something

 

to be honest, there is a deeper issue than just the broken bracelet- i feel my current boyfriend has been taking me for granted lately and maybe for me the broken piece of jewellery is somehow symbollic of that, of him no longer caring- not caring enough to get it fixed, not caring enough about how i feel

 

i will not 'nag' him or mention getting it fixed again but i will be watching to see if he does and i am still hurt

Edited July 30, 2014 by woodkirk101

[iiiii]

Different love languages, perhaps. Gifts mean more to some people than they do to others. Ditto with anniversaries, sex, shared activities, small acts of service, and just about anything else you can think of that happens within a relationship...

 

I don't think you should just wait and see if he gets it fixed, while being secretly resentful if he doesn't. I don't think that's fair. He may be completely oblivious to the fact he's being judged as a partner by his jewellery fixing promptness.

 

Perhaps if you broke a gift of his, it honestly wouldn't mean much at all to him, so he's oblivous that it actually means a great deal to you. Perhaps there are other things you do (or that you don't do) that make him feel loved, and you don't understand the impact that these things have on him.

 

This could be a communication problem, rather than the fact he does or doesn't love you (and is expressing it via the care he takes of your present).

[Got it]

I agree with what the others have said. Big picture I think you guys have a very dysfunctional relationship with very poor communication and conflict resolving skills. You can't make someone care about at the level you want to be cared. It just is or it isn't. If he is not treating you at the level you want, and honestly I don't think your expectations are out of whack, then accept that is just who he is and cut bait.

 

Don't get into the cycle of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It doesn't have to be "someone's fault" to end the relationship. It can just be that it isn't good enough.

[Els]

however, i still think if he valued my feelings at all he would have got the thing fixed by now.

 

You need to get out of this sort of mentality - or if you can't, then just don't ever give physical gifts, period. Giving a gift with expectations attached to what they do with your gift, is frankly worse than not giving anything at all, to most guys. Bear in mind that he thanked you and wore it for months before it fell apart - that isn't too unreasonable a reception IMO.

 

i really didn't give him the gift to buy his love or anything like that.

 

I know you didn't intend that, but given that you nagged him for several months over it, it would feel that way to him.

 

to be honest, there is a deeper issue than just the broken bracelet- i feel my current boyfriend has been taking me for granted lately and maybe for me the broken piece of jewellery is somehow symbollic of that, of him no longer caring- not caring enough to get it fixed, not caring enough about how i feel

 

This is worth talking about, just don't bring the bracelet up in the talk, at all.

 

At any rate I think you two would be better off apart, this is just something to bear in mind in the future (ie with other partners).

[whichwayisup]

You put a lot of emphasis and meaning into that bracelet and unfortunately he didn't view it the same way. You spent a good chunk of your money on it too and he didn't seem to care one way or other.

[lollipopspot]

the item was under warranty and i repeatedly asked him for months to get it fixed. he didn't bother... he then wore it on a night out without first fixing the dodgy clasp and of course it fell off his wrist. this upset me as it was a special present that i'd spent a lot of money on and he didn't seem to care.i kept telling him to get it fixed and i was getting progressively more angry as time went on and i kept 'nagging' (as he put it) him about it. one night i told him it really upset me that it was lying there in his house broken and unworm and he just said 'how can you be so upset over that?' like it was no reason to be annoyed

 

I could not handle the pressure of a gift from you. It's hard for me to even focus on the drinking and the anger in your post, because if someone nagged me and got angry at me over and over about a gift, I'd just want to hand it back to them and be done with it.

 

What if he hadn't like it (or you) enough to even wear it? That happens a lot. Someone buys someone a gift, the other person doesn't like it, and it sits in a closet indefinitely. Only give within your means, and when you can let go of the outcome.