Biscous Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 This is the girl I have been dating about 7 months I was unsure of for many reasons ranging from her cheating out of her last relationship to her namecalling and emotional blackmail during our fights. She was out a bit drinking and she told me that she hates me because I ripped her heart, but she misses me and misses the man that lets things just happen naturally. She called me first and then said that she was outside. It was a bit of a mess. Part of her cares about me, but she feels also that she doesn't want to marry anyone now because of the hurt I caused, much due to getting real personal when she starts fighting with me. She says I don't love her or care about her and that I'm judgmental to people. I don't know what to think of this. She blocked me from everything but in a moment of weakness called me up. She cried for an hour, yelled at me a bit, hit me. Said I don't make her feel wanted or beautiful and that I put up a 'tough guy' front to the world but she likes the sweet man I am. She said my ex turned me into someone that is incapable of love. It does hurt to see her like that honestly but I don't think we are compatible unless things really change. I let her sleep at my place and although she attempted to seduce me, I declined sex. She has mentioned other men interested in her, especially another at work who probably at this point hates me. He is a friend who has been waiting for two years for the demise of her last relationship with her ex and of course things with her and I. I'm not sure how interested she is or if she's using him and other men for jealousy, but I believe if I do attempt to work things out she needs to cease contact with them. It's a bit difficult to keep my emotions in check. Part of me feels a loss when she ceases contact or short with me, but at the same time things have not always been peachy with us. She is clearly much more emotionally invested than I am. Had she not tried to elicit me to feel something early on and give me my space, I would probably be more inclined. I'm not sure how to proceed here now and whether or not me answering that call and letting her sleep here was the best thing. Perhaps it may lead her on further.
BC1980 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 She sounds all over the place emotionally. I was exhausted just reading that. I think it's best that you block her and don't answer her next time. I think she probably needs some help to deal with her issues, but you can't be that help. She clearly is broken up over you, but you can't help her with whatever it is she is going through. 3
Justaguy30 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 I agree, it sounds like she is a hot mess. When people come back like that it is usually because someone else has broken up with them or pissed them off. Just ignore her because she is abusive and doesn't sound like a person anyone should be with. 1
Author Biscous Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 She sounds all over the place emotionally. I was exhausted just reading that. I think it's best that you block her and don't answer her next time. I think she probably needs some help to deal with her issues, but you can't be that help. She clearly is broken up over you, but you can't help her with whatever it is she is going through. I laughed at this. My empathetic side wants to but I know it's not the best idea. This is the same one I made a thread about forgiving myself if you may have not noticed. I know I have my own faults and I admit to them but she DOES NOT own up to things she contributes to the issues at hand. I agree, it sounds like she is a hot mess. When people come back like that it is usually because someone else has broken up with them or pissed them off. Just ignore her because she is abusive and doesn't sound like a person anyone should be with. She did something similar two weeks ago, but she asked me to pick her up and she was out with her friends and a married couple. She was much calmer though. The whole idea of making me jealous and THEN asking me have you been talking to anyone else and has anyone been sleeping here is a bit annoying. 1
BC1980 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 I laughed at this. My empathetic side wants to but I know it's not the best idea. This is the same one I made a thread about forgiving myself if you may have not noticed. I know I have my own faults and I admit to them but she DOES NOT own up to things she contributes to the issues at hand. She did something similar two weeks ago, but she asked me to pick her up and she was out with her friends and a married couple. She was much calmer though. The whole idea of making me jealous and THEN asking me have you been talking to anyone else and has anyone been sleeping here is a bit annoying. I wondered if this was the same girl. I would stay away from her and let her sort her own issues out. It's not being mean, but it's what's best for her. You clearly evoke some volatile emotions in her at present, but it's not your job to fix all of that. It isn't up to you to help her figure out that her issues are even if you think you possibly contributed to her feelings. When you break up with someone, you need to make a clean break. You need to cease all contact with the person whether or not you were in the wrong or not. It sounds like she has enough issues to take at least some of the blame. Very rarely is it one person's fault, and I don't think it's particularly helpful to allocate blame to each person. I think you need to cease all contact with this person because no good is coming from it. 3
Author Biscous Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 I wondered if this was the same girl. I would stay away from her and let her sort her own issues out. It's not being mean, but it's what's best for her. You clearly evoke some volatile emotions in her at present, but it's not your job to fix all of that. It isn't up to you to help her figure out that her issues are even if you think you possibly contributed to her feelings. When you break up with someone, you need to make a clean break. You need to cease all contact with the person whether or not you were in the wrong or not. It sounds like she has enough issues to take at least some of the blame. Very rarely is it one person's fault, and I don't think it's particularly helpful to allocate blame to each person. I think you need to cease all contact with this person because no good is coming from it. I 'helped' her through her last ex, because she cheated on him with me and I guess I'm getting in the cycle now. I HATE that she does not own up to the issues. I'd be more empathetic and possibly pursue more with her if she did, but she hasn't done that. She thinks its OK to do the things she's done. I'm just trying to better myself and move forward. Thanks for the advice again.
BC1980 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 I 'helped' her through her last ex, because she cheated on him with me and I guess I'm getting in the cycle now. I HATE that she does not own up to the issues. I'd be more empathetic and possibly pursue more with her if she did, but she hasn't done that. She thinks its OK to do the things she's done. I'm just trying to better myself and move forward. Thanks for the advice again. I guess it just goes to show that people don't change. Emotional issues are not easily fixed, and it takes time and effort to change. You can't force her to own up to her problems. She probably doesn't even see them as problems. You can only be responsible for yourself in the end. It's easier said than done, but it's a good way to protect yourself. I've learned not to go too far out on a limb to help people who don't really want to be helped to begin with. 2
Author Biscous Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 Admit it. You LOVE CRAZY! Maybe a little...but only in the bedroom. 1
Justaguy30 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 She is wondering if you are doing what she is doing. My ex did the same thing, asked me who I was sleeping with, who are you seeing and so on. She is seeing other people and likely getting drunk and hooking up with guys at the bar. I would just block her and forget about it. Its never going to be the same and she will do the same **** she did to you before if you do get back together. She hasn't learned anything and is not saying the right things in any event. The whole idea of making me jealous and THEN asking me have you been talking to anyone else and has anyone been sleeping here is a bit annoying. 1
Author Biscous Posted July 28, 2014 Author Posted July 28, 2014 She is wondering if you are doing what she is doing. My ex did the same thing, asked me who I was sleeping with, who are you seeing and so on. She is seeing other people and likely getting drunk and hooking up with guys at the bar. I would just block her and forget about it. Its never going to be the same and she will do the same **** she did to you before if you do get back together. She hasn't learned anything and is not saying the right things in any event. The whole idea of making me jealous and THEN asking me have you been talking to anyone else and has anyone been sleeping here is a bit annoying. I know she is talking to guys, but I doubt she is having sex. I could be totally wrong, but she is very reserved about sex and I know she had to recover from an ovarian cyst in June so she was out of sex for a few weeks. I had sex with her two weeks ago though, but now she is doing whatever to try and heal. And I know she is talking to other coworkers but she is a bit in relationship mode and wants that. She wants that from me.
Author Biscous Posted July 30, 2014 Author Posted July 30, 2014 Yes I am bumping this but I'm seeking a bit more advice. It's weird, I know that the person she is now we are NOT compatible. I just feel a bit of guilt because 1) I did some wrong in the relationship by saying hurtful things and 2) I see her good qualities and the type of loving person she is. Having someone that understands you on that level is rare, but I do think there's a lot of toxicity between us. She over thinks things I do because she is so enamored by me. She has said "You're not into me" "You don't love me" on many occasion. I feel bad because she is so much into me but I'm just not there. I can't FORCE myself though and I realize that. My compassion gets the better of me.
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