LifeandPerseverance Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 (edited) I notice it the most lately, because I'm actually starting to really care about someone, and the more fond of him I become, the more I doubt myself. I'm constantly worried--over stupid things. "Maybe I didn't kiss right." "Maybe he didn't think I was very interesting" OR "He probably has a ton of women lined up. I'm not special, I'm just one of a bunch. He has lots of options." I don't remember when I was younger, being like this. I don't remember doubting every single thing I did. I was cheated on, assaulted and betrayed by my last boyfriend. That was a year and a half ago. Since then, I just haven't really cared about men. I can be very stand-offish since, and guarded. I've had guys be interested in me since, and I casually saw one, but I just didn't CARE. I didn't feel ANYTHING. And amazingly, as callous as I was, guys kept coming back for more! And then I met this guy. And for the first time since that terrible night that put me in the hospital, I care. I was also raised by a very emotionally abusive dad (and my mom's reasoning has always been "he just was raised like that, he didn't know any other way"), who has basically assured me for the last 23 years that I can't do anything right. I went through a LOT of counseling following the assault, and I learned a lot about myself as a person, and why I view certain things the way I do, but still..This feeling lingers. This self doubt. This fear that somehow, by being ME, I will drive men away. That I'll text the wrong thing, or not be funny enough on the phone, or be too demanding, and he will disappear. If I let him too close, he'll see everything and make a break for it. And it's not just THIS guy--If he was any guy, I'd be worried about the same thing, if I cared this much. It's almost like I would rather drive him away myself, then wait for him to do it. Does anyone have any advice? I can't be like this the rest of my life. I need to be confident. Did the betrayal do this to me? I'm college educated, starting my professional degree, I'm not ugly, etc. So I KNOW most of this is in my head. Edited July 27, 2014 by LifeandPerseverance
Weezy1973 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 The insecurities about dating someone you like are actually quite normal. Most people have similar thoughts when they're starting to date someone they like a lot. What your past likely did to you was make you extra sensitive to being rejected. It sounds like you struggle with your own self worth which then makes you try to feel worthy from other people (and specifically men). So because your sense of worth is not internally driven, rejection from a man that you like then becomes that much more powerful...and scary. The key of course, is to develop your sense of self worth. Rejection is normal in dating and relationships. It won't kill you. In fact, putting yourself into situations that have the potential to really hurt (such as dating someone you really care about, going for a job or career that is meaningful to you, etc) if you don't succeed is the key to living a full, meaningful life. You have to be vulnerable. All that being said, I would highly recommend therapy to help sort through some of the things you are dealing with. Also as a random recommendation, try searching YouTube for Brene Brown and specifically her TED Talk on vulnerability. Good luck!
Recommended Posts