PumpkinSpice Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 Okay so my BF and I have been together for 2 years and some change. I am 22 and he is 24. We are both in our final years of college and have gone through a lot. These past several months, I have been doing whatever I can to mend our relationship issues, but I get little co-operation from him I actually just got off the phone with him the conversation was HEATED and I just can't contain my emotions so I am hoping to get some good opinions and advice from others here. Slightly more than a year ago, my boyfriend got laid off from his retail job, which upset him, but we got to spend time with each other more which I enjoyed. Even though he was low on money, time together was what I appreciated most. When we started dating, he invited me places, we went out often (2-3 times a week) and he was passionate sexually as well as strictly attentive on me. The only thing that really changed after he got laid off was that he could buy me as many things or take me out as much, which was cool because he still valued spending time together and this would continue on throughout the blossoming of our relationship-- so I thought. A few months after getting fired from his job, my boyfriend (who is a computer engineer) started getting weekend jobs in construction with his dad, which took away a lot of time from us being together. In fact, he cancelled a lot of plans on me because of his jobs in construction. The thing is, I KNEW about his busy schedule balancing work ans school (I am a working student too), so I made sure to tell him of any special plans at least a month ahead of time. I can recall three times when he cancelled on me THE DAY OF, because of a sudden emergency that his dad needed him to work construction that same day, DESPITE early planning ahead. Keep in mind, that we haven't gone anywhere special as a date in a year and a half because of work suddenly getting in the way. As I work too, I value money and have no problem with my boyfriend working, but It just always upset me so much when we would make plans to FINALLY do something romantic and he would HAVE the day off, but last minute close to the day we have planned to go, work would show up and this happened over and over for months. He promised me that spring break of this year, he would make that up to me and each day we would spend together to go all the places I wanted. So, I asked my job for a week off from work in order to catch up on lost time with my BF. He suddenly had engineering work to do on E-Lance.com and our plans went down the ****ter as I was no longer the priority. He assured me that summer (now) would be different. He said that his parents would be out of town for a week and that week we could finally do something interesting or go somewhere. Beginning of summer, he got a full time internship as a computer engineer (pays 23$ an hour) and I couldn't be happier for him. The problem? He also decided to get a job at a Best Buy an hour away from our city, and that is also full-time, PLUS he is a student. So now, we literally NEVER spend time together since he made this employment decision. Maybe once a week we would hang out, but it would be him visiting my apartment at 12 or 1am and the moment he comes over he just crashes on my bed.. when I try to talk to him or do something fun, he'll just seem extremely tired and sometimes get mad at me because he has work in the morning (every day he works.. morning to night). He is well-off. He lives with his parents, no kids, he doesn't even do his own laundry, he owns a car, and makes 640$ a week, JUST with his one engineering job. He never needed this extra job at Best Buy. But I even encouraged him that if he MUST have two jobs, ask for a day off from Best Buy so that time could be dedicated to us. When we talk on the phone, it's always cut short because he has work to do.. and I just don't feel special anymore. About a week ago, he started investing in penny-stocks. Keep in mind that it is coming close to the time that he will be ending one of his jobs (if his internship decides to keep him, he ditches best buy). I was excited for this because time will finally open for us to spend actual time together. Last tuesday was the first time in ages that we actually spent time together in the day time.. and he couldn't stop checking his stocks on his phone. I would be talking to him about stuff trying so hard to engage him in conversation and there he is, just head down in the stocks.. texting his friends about the exciting news about companies that are doing well... I couldn't take it!! The day after, we had discussed how he needs to stop checking stocks when he's with me. He said that it was day time trading and the market closes at 5 so that from now on he will only plan dates with me after 5 so that his phone-checking no longer interferes with our dates. I wasn't happy with it, but I decided to accept the compromise and as long as we saw each other after 5 and he was paying full attention to me, I was fine. Last night, My boyfriend took me out to olive-garden.. a nice gesture for someone with a lot of money in the bank, who makes 50,000 on his a year and is still a college student. Keep in mind, that it was 7:30pm or 8 when we got sat. Again, he STILL checked his stocks throughout our date with no regard for the promise he made to me to put his phone away when we're together AFTER the market closes. Tonight, I spoke to him about how this really hurts me and I don't know what to do from here because he made a promise to me and broke it. He just yelled at me saying that it was important money and when important money is involved, he doesn't care about what he promised me. He hung up on me shortly after. I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything for the sake of our relationship. Someone PLEASE HELP!
CarrieT Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 Last night, My boyfriend took me out to olive-garden.. a nice gesture for someone with a lot of money in the bank, who makes 50,000 on his a year and is still a college student. Olive Garden is a nice gesture!?!?!? Ick - to me, that would be an insult... The bottom line is that you two are growing apart and have differing priorities. I don't see this ending well as he is going to become far more engrossed on establishing himself. He didn't keep his promise and nagging him about it will not change things. Do a 180 and start looking out for yourself and - perhaps - consider this relationship drawing a close. I have a feeling you can do much better... 3
Hope Shimmers Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 (edited) Okay so my BF and I have been together for 2 years and some change. I am 22 and he is 24. We are both in our final years of college and have gone through a lot. These past several months, I have been doing whatever I can to mend our relationship issues, but I get little co-operation from him I actually just got off the phone with him the conversation was HEATED and I just can't contain my emotions so I am hoping to get some good opinions and advice from others here. Slightly more than a year ago, my boyfriend got laid off from his retail job, which upset him, but we got to spend time with each other more which I enjoyed. Even though he was low on money, time together was what I appreciated most. When we started dating, he invited me places, we went out often (2-3 times a week) and he was passionate sexually as well as strictly attentive on me. The only thing that really changed after he got laid off was that he could buy me as many things or take me out as much, which was cool because he still valued spending time together and this would continue on throughout the blossoming of our relationship-- so I thought. A few months after getting fired from his job, my boyfriend (who is a computer engineer) started getting weekend jobs in construction with his dad, which took away a lot of time from us being together. In fact, he cancelled a lot of plans on me because of his jobs in construction. The thing is, I KNEW about his busy schedule balancing work ans school (I am a working student too), so I made sure to tell him of any special plans at least a month ahead of time. I can recall three times when he cancelled on me THE DAY OF, because of a sudden emergency that his dad needed him to work construction that same day, DESPITE early planning ahead. Keep in mind, that we haven't gone anywhere special as a date in a year and a half because of work suddenly getting in the way. As I work too, I value money and have no problem with my boyfriend working, but It just always upset me so much when we would make plans to FINALLY do something romantic and he would HAVE the day off, but last minute close to the day we have planned to go, work would show up and this happened over and over for months. He promised me that spring break of this year, he would make that up to me and each day we would spend together to go all the places I wanted. So, I asked my job for a week off from work in order to catch up on lost time with my BF. He suddenly had engineering work to do on E-Lance.com and our plans went down the ****ter as I was no longer the priority. He assured me that summer (now) would be different. He said that his parents would be out of town for a week and that week we could finally do something interesting or go somewhere. Beginning of summer, he got a full time internship as a computer engineer (pays 23$ an hour) and I couldn't be happier for him. The problem? He also decided to get a job at a Best Buy an hour away from our city, and that is also full-time, PLUS he is a student. So now, we literally NEVER spend time together since he made this employment decision. Maybe once a week we would hang out, but it would be him visiting my apartment at 12 or 1am and the moment he comes over he just crashes on my bed.. when I try to talk to him or do something fun, he'll just seem extremely tired and sometimes get mad at me because he has work in the morning (every day he works.. morning to night). He is well-off. He lives with his parents, no kids, he doesn't even do his own laundry, he owns a car, and makes 640$ a week, JUST with his one engineering job. He never needed this extra job at Best Buy. But I even encouraged him that if he MUST have two jobs, ask for a day off from Best Buy so that time could be dedicated to us. When we talk on the phone, it's always cut short because he has work to do.. and I just don't feel special anymore. About a week ago, he started investing in penny-stocks. Keep in mind that it is coming close to the time that he will be ending one of his jobs (if his internship decides to keep him, he ditches best buy). I was excited for this because time will finally open for us to spend actual time together. Last tuesday was the first time in ages that we actually spent time together in the day time.. and he couldn't stop checking his stocks on his phone. I would be talking to him about stuff trying so hard to engage him in conversation and there he is, just head down in the stocks.. texting his friends about the exciting news about companies that are doing well... I couldn't take it!! The day after, we had discussed how he needs to stop checking stocks when he's with me. He said that it was day time trading and the market closes at 5 so that from now on he will only plan dates with me after 5 so that his phone-checking no longer interferes with our dates. I wasn't happy with it, but I decided to accept the compromise and as long as we saw each other after 5 and he was paying full attention to me, I was fine. Last night, My boyfriend took me out to olive-garden.. a nice gesture for someone with a lot of money in the bank, who makes 50,000 on his a year and is still a college student. Keep in mind, that it was 7:30pm or 8 when we got sat. Again, he STILL checked his stocks throughout our date with no regard for the promise he made to me to put his phone away when we're together AFTER the market closes. Tonight, I spoke to him about how this really hurts me and I don't know what to do from here because he made a promise to me and broke it. He just yelled at me saying that it was important money and when important money is involved, he doesn't care about what he promised me. He hung up on me shortly after. I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything for the sake of our relationship. Someone PLEASE HELP! I guess I am confused. If he is a computer engineer (meaning he has dual degrees in computer science and engineering) then $23 a hour is WAY low. He should easily be making $100+ per hour with those credentials. Does he have them? My son is a dual computer engineering major at MIT this year. He's 20. He's a freshman, got a perfect score on his SATs and is ranked #2 in his freshman class. He made $100 an hour plus expenses as an intern this summer at a major IT company - as a freshman in college! He has also worked as a programmer since he was a junior in high school, at between $50-$100 an hour. The numbers you are quoting for a salary are very low. Do you really know what this person does? Why is he working for a mere $23 an hour with those two degrees? Edited July 27, 2014 by Hope Shimmers
Author PumpkinSpice Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 @carrieT .. yeah lol i was being sarcastic with the olive garden thing. i agree with you totally 1
Author PumpkinSpice Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 @hope shimmers, He is still a computer engineering programmer student and that is his internship salary. if he gets signed on after his internship is over his salary will be $120,000 per year. Still low compared to your son, but maybe the demand for engineers in the field is different in our cities. Then again, knowing how cheap he is he could just be lying to me about how much he makes. I dont really know I broke up with him a few hours ago. 1
maysj18 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 I'm torn on this. Yes, he's being a bit dickish but so are you. Complaining about Olive Garden is so snobby, IMO. Certain times call for nicer restaurants, but Olive Garden is perfectly acceptable. I don't care if he's a millionaire- his money is HIS money. STOP assuming he owes you anything financially whenever you're just his girlfriend. The only time you have say over finances is when you're married or living together (even then it should just pertain to bills). He's investing, saving, and working to become financially secure. Have you seen the economy? He sounds incredibly financially stable for a college student. I bet you he would be more inclined to spend more money on you if he didn't feel like it was expected of him. I'm not saying it's okay to go to McDonalds for an anniversary, but come on, OG is delicious.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 I'm torn on this. Yes, he's being a bit dickish but so are you. Complaining about Olive Garden is so snobby, IMO. Certain times call for nicer restaurants, but Olive Garden is perfectly acceptable. I don't care if he's a millionaire- his money is HIS money. STOP assuming he owes you anything financially whenever you're just his girlfriend. The only time you have say over finances is when you're married or living together (even then it should just pertain to bills). He's investing, saving, and working to become financially secure. Have you seen the economy? He sounds incredibly financially stable for a college student. I bet you he would be more inclined to spend more money on you if he didn't feel like it was expected of him. I'm not saying it's okay to go to McDonalds for an anniversary, but come on, OG is delicious. The poster wasn't making her opener about the Olive Garden at all. It was about the fact that this guy is an obvious workaholic with very little life-balance and time for her (okay she didn't say he's a workaholic but that his pursuit of $ comes before her. I think he's a workaholic etc.) He can't even stop molesting his phone over dinner. Like, seriously. He is not attentive, cancels plans regularly at the last minute that were planned months in advance and expects her to wait around for him. Damned ignorant if you ask me. Seriously, Olive Garden was the date that should could get him to show up for. That's it. Lame-o. 1
maysj18 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 The poster wasn't making her opener about the Olive Garden at all. It was about the fact that this guy is an obvious workaholic with very little life-balance and time for her (okay she didn't say he's a workaholic but that his pursuit of $ comes before her. I think he's a workaholic etc.) He can't even stop molesting his phone over dinner. Like, seriously. He is not attentive, cancels plans regularly at the last minute that were planned months in advance and expects her to wait around for him. Damned ignorant if you ask me. Seriously, Olive Garden was the date that should could get him to show up for. That's it. Lame-o. Her feelings towards Olive Garden as being an unacceptable (I saw this reading through her replies to other posters) dinner date location shed light onto some reasons WHY he may be so prickish around her. Is he an ass? Yeah, totally, but that little comment begs the question that she may be a bit of a princess which could be causing some additional tension between them. As someone who has invested young, stocks can be terrifying to newbies. It involves large amounts of money that could be flushed down the toilet. His behavior is not acceptable but it is understandable. OP, does HE make plans with YOU? If he's constantly breaking plans and not making an effort to see you, sounds like he's losing interest. It sounds like he has a lot going on (new job, high paying career, internship) and balancing is not something you pick up right away. If he's making efforts to see you, I'd have a serious talk with him. You set one night aside every week to see each other. Rules are: no phones or computer. Just you two watching TV or going out on a date. Expect to take turns paying (even though he may insist on paying). He's an adult and needs to start making adult decisions, such as if it's worth it to him to ask for a night off a week to see you. If he doesn't, then leave. He's telling you he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
TXGuy Posted July 28, 2014 Posted July 28, 2014 I think you have to have a more serious relationship with a guy before you can dictate how much money and time he spends on you.
Author PumpkinSpice Posted July 28, 2014 Author Posted July 28, 2014 Her feelings towards Olive Garden as being an unacceptable (I saw this reading through her replies to other posters) dinner date location shed light onto some reasons WHY he may be so prickish around her. Is he an ass? Yeah, totally, but that little comment begs the question that she may be a bit of a princess which could be causing some additional tension between them. As someone who has invested young, stocks can be terrifying to newbies. It involves large amounts of money that could be flushed down the toilet. His behavior is not acceptable but it is understandable. OP, does HE make plans with YOU? If he's constantly breaking plans and not making an effort to see you, sounds like he's losing interest. It sounds like he has a lot going on (new job, high paying career, internship) and balancing is not something you pick up right away. If he's making efforts to see you, I'd have a serious talk with him. You set one night aside every week to see each other. Rules are: no phones or computer. Just you two watching TV or going out on a date. Expect to take turns paying (even though he may insist on paying). He's an adult and needs to start making adult decisions, such as if it's worth it to him to ask for a night off a week to see you. If he doesn't, then leave. He's telling you he doesn't want to be with you anymore. @maysj18, Believe me, I'm not a "princess." Keep in mind that I met him when he was working a part-time job and I supported him when he got laid off from his job. All I've ever wanted was his time and appreciation. Money isn't a big deal to me, if it was, I would not be encouraging him to focus less on money and on me. He and I had plans to go to SeaWorld because I won FREE tickets. All I wanted was his company.. and he cancelled on me the morning of for work. This is only one example of the many times he flaked. The ideal date for me would be a romantic evening on the beach, or a night together baking cookies and watching netflix. So yeah I've become bitter after over a year of being ditched for his jobs. Damn right, the one time we get to spend together I'd expect it to be somewhere nice and to be honest I wouldn't be complaining about olive garden if he actually paid attention to me. The food was great but it was like talking to a corpse.. and this was AFTER having him promise me he would pay attention to me and not check his stocks while he's with me. And to answer your question, no. He RARELY makes plans with me and the only "plans" he makes with me ever since getting these jobs are calling me the day of saying that he can sleep over at my place, and for the most part THAT is the only time he and I have together.. And he doesn't come around 10 or 11pm he comes at like 1am at night and he just sleeps. We can't have late night conversation when he gets to my place because he's tired and sex is not part of his vocabulary. When we wake up, I'll even try to initiate some morning sex but he just gets up and says that he can't and he's late for work and he just leaves. I've made rules like this and he's constantly promising that he wont look at his phone, or that if he comes over he's going to make me feel special, etc... but when the time actually comes, he IS looking at his phone, and he IS going straight to sleep and not trying to make me feel special. One of you are going to say that "well at least he's making the effort to see you at night." Yes, and I would love it if we spent quality time together, but he walks through the door at 1am, gets on my bed, and falls asleep. I can't say anything or ask him how his day was or him ask me how my day was it's like he's literally just using me for my bed. (LITERALLY my bed)
Author PumpkinSpice Posted July 28, 2014 Author Posted July 28, 2014 I think you have to have a more serious relationship with a guy before you can dictate how much money and time he spends on you. @TXguy, So basically you're saying that I should be cool with having a boyfriend who never makes time for me or makes me feel appreciated? That's pretty much what you're telling me. And after over 2 years of enduring a relationship like this, he should know I'm serious enough I've done and gone through A LOT for him.
maysj18 Posted July 28, 2014 Posted July 28, 2014 @maysj18, Believe me, I'm not a "princess." Keep in mind that I met him when he was working a part-time job and I supported him when he got laid off from his job. All I've ever wanted was his time and appreciation. Money isn't a big deal to me, if it was, I would not be encouraging him to focus less on money and on me. He and I had plans to go to SeaWorld because I won FREE tickets. All I wanted was his company.. and he cancelled on me the morning of for work. This is only one example of the many times he flaked. The ideal date for me would be a romantic evening on the beach, or a night together baking cookies and watching netflix. So yeah I've become bitter after over a year of being ditched for his jobs. Damn right, the one time we get to spend together I'd expect it to be somewhere nice and to be honest I wouldn't be complaining about olive garden if he actually paid attention to me. The food was great but it was like talking to a corpse.. and this was AFTER having him promise me he would pay attention to me and not check his stocks while he's with me. And to answer your question, no. He RARELY makes plans with me and the only "plans" he makes with me ever since getting these jobs are calling me the day of saying that he can sleep over at my place, and for the most part THAT is the only time he and I have together.. And he doesn't come around 10 or 11pm he comes at like 1am at night and he just sleeps. We can't have late night conversation when he gets to my place because he's tired and sex is not part of his vocabulary. When we wake up, I'll even try to initiate some morning sex but he just gets up and says that he can't and he's late for work and he just leaves. I've made rules like this and he's constantly promising that he wont look at his phone, or that if he comes over he's going to make me feel special, etc... but when the time actually comes, he IS looking at his phone, and he IS going straight to sleep and not trying to make me feel special. One of you are going to say that "well at least he's making the effort to see you at night." Yes, and I would love it if we spent quality time together, but he walks through the door at 1am, gets on my bed, and falls asleep. I can't say anything or ask him how his day was or him ask me how my day was it's like he's literally just using me for my bed. (LITERALLY my bed) Pack your **** and leave. A "rule" is only good if you enforce it- so much easier said than done, but you should make a scene when he does this ****. Don't let him come over anymore! That's a starting point. I'm talking a firm "No.". Don't be coy and don't let him sweet talk you. If he starts to get defensive, just tell him you need to talk in person and hang up. He seems so enthralled in himself that he needs that slap in the face reaction from you. One that will make him say, "Whoa." Good luck and keep us posted. 1
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2014 Posted July 28, 2014 What does he mean by "important money" ? I ask because, my response would be different based on the context of the purpose for what he's doing. E.g., if he takes all of these jobs and works for all this money so he has money to buy himself nice **** and indulge himself, that's going to be totally separate from someone who would like to marry you and wants to have a nest egg or a down payment for a house, a wedding, what have you. So,what's his motivations for this money?
TXGuy Posted July 28, 2014 Posted July 28, 2014 @TXguy, So basically you're saying that I should be cool with having a boyfriend who never makes time for me or makes me feel appreciated? That's pretty much what you're telling me. And after over 2 years of enduring a relationship like this, he should know I'm serious enough I've done and gone through A LOT for him. I missed the comment you broke up with him a few hours ago. Good for you. If you feel he wasn't treating you right, then that was the way to go. 2
Author PumpkinSpice Posted July 28, 2014 Author Posted July 28, 2014 What does he mean by "important money" ? I ask because, my response would be different based on the context of the purpose for what he's doing. E.g., if he takes all of these jobs and works for all this money so he has money to buy himself nice **** and indulge himself, that's going to be totally separate from someone who would like to marry you and wants to have a nest egg or a down payment for a house, a wedding, what have you. So,what's his motivations for this money? @hoping2heal, He has always been financially comfortable and stable. His main goals are to live a comfortable life and take care of his family, which I've always admired. But as of recent, it's been more about him wanting to become a billionaire. The company he works for is a financial firm and he works around successful investors who have been pumping his head about how he can make thousands in a short period of time, through stocks. Many people LOSE thousands of dollars doing what he is doing, and every time we got to spend together (which was very little), he was concentrated on the status of his companies instead of our date. His initial motivations for the actual jobs he had, like I said previously, were just to be comfortable.. but now, his obsession over money is becoming more and more about just making more money. I mean honestly, unless he's trying to start a business or finance a drug addiction, there's no need to be THAT hungry for money when he already has 5 figures in the bank, and a guaranteed job that salaries to $120,000 a year. The main problem is that he's constantly made me feel like his love for money was more important than his love for spending time with me. 1
Els Posted July 28, 2014 Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) Strange, OP... I could've sworn I responded to an almost 100% similar thread. Did you post the same one in two subforums? I guess I am confused. If he is a computer engineer (meaning he has dual degrees in computer science and engineering) then $23 a hour is WAY low. He should easily be making $100+ per hour with those credentials. Does he have them? My son is a dual computer engineering major at MIT this year. He's 20. He's a freshman, got a perfect score on his SATs and is ranked #2 in his freshman class. He made $100 an hour plus expenses as an intern this summer at a major IT company - as a freshman in college! The vast, vast majority of fresh grad computer engineers do not make $100+ per hour. $100/hour translates to about $200k/year of full-time work - this sort of pay is usually reserved for computer engineers with 10+ years of experience in the industry. In fact, I just checked, and NONE of the internships listed on Forbes pay that much: http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2012/05/08/the-best-internships-for-2012/ $23/hour for the average fresh grad without experience sounds about right. I'm in the same field. He has also worked as a programmer since he was a junior in high school, at between $50-$100 an hour. Are you sure he is/was being honest about where his income was coming from? It's possible, I suppose, but this is much, much more uncommon than the salary the OP is quoting. Edited July 28, 2014 by Elswyth 2
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 28, 2014 Posted July 28, 2014 Strange, OP... I could've sworn I responded to an almost 100% similar thread. Did you post the same one in two subforums? The vast, vast majority of fresh grad computer engineers do not make $100+ per hour. $100/hour translates to about $200k/year of full-time work - this sort of pay is usually reserved for computer engineers with 10+ years of experience in the industry. In fact, I just checked, and NONE of the internships listed on Forbes pay that much: The Best Internships For 2012 - Forbes $23/hour for the average fresh grad without experience sounds about right. I'm in the same field. Are you sure he is/was being honest about where his income was coming from? It's possible, I suppose, but this is much, much more uncommon than the salary the OP is quoting. I was wondering about that, too. If that were the fresh-grad norm, every student under the sun would be a computer science & engineering major. As for the Olive Garden snark…hold your tongues. That soup/salad/breadsticks lunch is the best freaking $7 you'll ever spend. $7 barely buys a cookie at Panera these days, but at the Olive Garden, it fills my belly with unlimited, delicious and not-even-remotely-authentic Italian flavours. :love: 1
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