He always puts work and money before me...

[PumpkinSpice]

Okay so my BF and I have been together for 2 years and some change. I am 22 and he is 24. We are both in our final years of college and have gone through a lot. These past several months, I have been doing whatever I can to mend our relationship issues, but I get little co-operation from him

 

I actually just got off the phone with him the conversation was HEATED and I just can't contain my emotions so I am hoping to get some good opinions and advice from others here.

 

Slightly more than a year ago, my boyfriend got laid off from his retail job, which upset him, but we got to spend time with each other more which I enjoyed. Even though he was low on money, time together was what I appreciated most. When we started dating, he invited me places, we went out often (2-3 times a week) and he was passionate sexually as well as strictly attentive on me. The only thing that really changed after he got laid off was that he could buy me as many things or take me out as much, which was cool because he still valued spending time together and this would continue on throughout the blossoming of our relationship-- so I thought.

 

A few months after getting fired from his job, my boyfriend (who is a computer engineer) started getting weekend jobs in construction with his dad, which took away a lot of time from us being together. In fact, he cancelled a lot of plans on me because of his jobs in construction. The thing is, I KNEW about his busy schedule balancing work ans school (I am a working student too), so I made sure to tell him of any special plans at least a month ahead of time. I can recall three times when he cancelled on me THE DAY OF, because of a sudden emergency that his dad needed him to work construction that same day, DESPITE early planning ahead. Keep in mind, that we haven't gone anywhere special as a date in a year and a half because of work suddenly getting in the way.

 

As I work too, I value money and have no problem with my boyfriend working, but It just always upset me so much when we would make plans to FINALLY do something romantic and he would HAVE the day off, but last minute close to the day we have planned to go, work would show up and this happened over and over for months. He promised me that spring break of this year, he would make that up to me and each day we would spend together to go all the places I wanted. So, I asked my job for a week off from work in order to catch up on lost time with my BF. He suddenly had engineering work to do on E-Lance.com and our plans went down the ****ter as I was no longer the priority.

 

He assured me that summer (now) would be different. He said that his parents would be out of town for a week and that week we could finally do something interesting or go somewhere. Beginning of summer, he got a full time internship as a computer engineer (pays 23$ an hour) and I couldn't be happier for him. The problem? He also decided to get a job at a Best Buy an hour away from our city, and that is also full-time, PLUS he is a student.

 

So now, we literally NEVER spend time together since he made this employment decision. Maybe once a week we would hang out, but it would be him visiting my apartment at 12 or 1am and the moment he comes over he just crashes on my bed.. when I try to talk to him or do something fun, he'll just seem extremely tired and sometimes get mad at me because he has work in the morning (every day he works.. morning to night).

 

He is well-off. He lives with his parents, no kids, he doesn't even do his own laundry, he owns a car, and makes 640$ a week, JUST with his one engineering job. He never needed this extra job at Best Buy. But I even encouraged him that if he MUST have two jobs, ask for a day off from Best Buy so that time could be dedicated to us.

 

When we talk on the phone, it's always cut short because he has work to do.. and I just don't feel special anymore. About a week ago, he started investing in penny-stocks. Keep in mind that it is coming close to the time that he will be ending one of his jobs (if his internship decides to keep him, he ditches best buy). I was excited for this because time will finally open for us to spend actual time together. Last tuesday was the first time in ages that we actually spent time together in the day time.. and he couldn't stop checking his stocks on his phone. I would be talking to him about stuff trying so hard to engage him in conversation and there he is, just head down in the stocks.. texting his friends about the exciting news about companies that are doing well... I couldn't take it!! The day after, we had discussed how he needs to stop checking stocks when he's with me. He said that it was day time trading and the market closes at 5 so that from now on he will only plan dates with me after 5 so that his phone-checking no longer interferes with our dates. I wasn't happy with it, but I decided to accept the compromise and as long as we saw each other after 5 and he was paying full attention to me, I was fine.

 

Last night, My boyfriend took me out to olive-garden.. a nice gesture for someone with a lot of money in the bank, who makes 50,000 on his a year and is still a college student. Keep in mind, that it was 7:30pm or 8 when we got sat. Again, he STILL checked his stocks throughout our date with no regard for the promise he made to me to put his phone away when we're together AFTER the market closes. Tonight, I spoke to him about how this really hurts me and I don't know what to do from here because he made a promise to me and broke it. He just yelled at me saying that it was important money and when important money is involved, he doesn't care about what he promised me. He hung up on me shortly after.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything for the sake of our relationship. Someone PLEASE HELP!

[PumpkinSpice]

I've wondered the same thing to myself. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I lost my virginity to him. He is also my first real boyfriend and I like the idea of being taken. He also knows a lot about me that I don't really tell others. His family loves me and we are really close. He also gives me rides to work (I don't have a car) and if I absolutely 100% needed to go to the hospital or something he was there to take me. I also find him safe, sexually because I know he would never cheat.

[Gaeta]

I feel so bad for you.

 

Break up with him. This is not a relationship and has not been one or a long time.

 

Your boyfriend, if we can still call him a bf, does not want to be in a relationship. His priorities, his actions, his demeanor, say so.

 

He is not going to change and when one job stops then another one will come along, when the penny market don't interest him anymore he'll be into something else.

 

Let him go. You will love again and find someone better suited for you.

[Eivuwan]

Unfortunately, when you have tried everything, the only thing you can do is pull a 180. You have communicated your needs to him. Maybe instead of trying to mend the relationship, walk away. It just doesn't work when only one person is trying.

[I am Bud]

Dear PumpkinSpice

 

You boyfriend seems to be a workaholic who has an obsession with money. Do you know why he needs so much or what his ultimate goal in life is? Perhaps he is trying to earn a lot of money so that he can invest and retire early or something. It is obvious that you have very different priorities in life and if you continue to try to compete with his attention over making money and checking stocks then you probably won't win. Being that you know what he is like as a person you are either going to have to accept him and all his faults or move on.

 

I think that he does love you but you are the type of person who needs more attention than he can provide. If you want to shake his world up a bit you could try to make it much more difficult to see you. It sounds strange being that you only see him perhaps once a week but what would happen if that option is taken away from him and you started having fun with your friends? I'm guessing that after a while he will realise that he only has his work and stocks to keep him company. He is going to realise that he has no one to hug him and give him cuddles at night. That's when it might dawn on him that money isn't all that and that he better do something about winning you back.

 

All the best - Bud

[Els]

I think this guy is either not in a situation in life where he can keep a healthy R, or not the sort of person who can balance work and a healthy R. Either way, if there doesn't appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel (it seems like he is just this way even though he has decent savings and no extenuating circumstances that would warrant him working 2 jobs and consequently not having a date night for over a year), I think it may be best for you to cut your losses.