White Michelle2614 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 10 years. We met each other when I was 16 and he was 17. Over the years we went to college, broke up, dealt with infidelity on both sides, had other relationships, got back together, broke up, got back together. So now we decided a couple of months ago to give things another try and things were going good until he started doing some of the things I don't like again. Hanging out with friends a lot instead of me, won't post any pictures of us on IG, and being flirty with other females. We have talked about these things before and he says that he doesn't realize when I want to see him more, he is a private person that's why our pictures are not on IG, and he is a friendly person so sometimes his friendliness comes off as flirting which I can understand but at this point idk if he will ever be the man I want him to be. It's just so hard to leave because I'm so close with his family, 10 years is a LONG time to talk to someone and I'm just not sure how to close the door if we aren't meant to be. I'm an extremely emotional/sensitive person so I don't know if maybe I'm over-reacting to some of the stuff he does or if I am I justified in my feelings. I just want someone who is sweet, funny, loving, caring, thoughtful, respectful, and who will give me all the things I ask for without so many arguments or stubbornness. Is that too much to ask for? Is that man out there for me or should I just keep trying to work at it with my current one? One thing I didnt point out. As far as values that matter, I feel like he will be an excellent father one day, he keeps a job and makes sure that I dont ever have to pay for anything when we go out, he even pays for my friends if they are with us,he is independent and he protects me and I know that if we were to get married he would work hard to provide for us both. So everything with him is not bad. Its just that I want to be posted on his ig, and i want to spend more time with him, and I wish he was more considerate of his actions and how they affect me...It sounds immature but those are things that I would like. If I leave him am I just going to find another man that has a different set of flaws? Or do I just try to be content with the flaws he has?
Tbisb74 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 There it is right there. "I don't know if he will ever be the man I want him to be." Two things: ONE: NO man will ever be the man you want him to be, because no single person contains ALL the virtues you seek. You're looking for the Walt Disney Romantic perfect prince and darling - forget it. It doesn't exist. TWO: You have absolutely, categorically no right whatsoever to expect someone to be who YOU want them to be. He has absolutely no obligation whatsoever to change. What has he told you he wants YOU to change, for him? A relationship is a two-way deal. It's a meeting of minds and hearts, and a desire to be together, come what may, warts and all. I would end this relationship once and for all, and to be honest, I wouldn't even think of trying to find another one, until you have worked on, and adjusted your perception of a life-partner considerably, even if it takes therapy, which given the problems you admit to, might well be the case.
Author White Michelle2614 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 I appreciate your answer...I just dont know if my emotional outbursts are the reason we cant work out of if its his actions that cause me to act and feel this way with the outbursts are the reason we cant work. Some days I feel like im over-reacting and some days I feel like I'm not. He says that its 50-50 and we should try to work them out. And then some days he says maybe we just arent compatible. We are both confused.
melodymatters Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 WHOA here ! Hold on. WhiteMichelle has given us a pretty vague scenario really, and your jumping in suggesting therapy ? Does she have other whackamole threads I don't know about ? A few thinmgs stuck out for ME : is he a private person ( the reason he uses to not post pics of you as a couple) or is he extremely friendly, which is how he justifies his flirting with other women ? Honestly, you could be over reacting, or you could be UNDER reacting and he's clearly still on the prowl. It's hard to know with just the written words above. Me, I'm upfront about having a jealous Sicilian temper and flirting with other women in the SLIGHTEST would be a deal breaker. I don't use intsagram (IG, right ?) but since it's mainly photo based, and he won't post photo's of you, his girlfriend, that is a MAJOR red flag. As far as time spent with his friends versus you, everyone is SO different, all people, all couples, could you give more concrete examples ? Yes, everyone you meet WILL have a their own set of flaws, but never, ever should we stay with someone who doesn't treat us well or makes us feel badly ! Only you know that. Would you care to share more information ? ( And please, therapy ?!? She sounds sensible enough in her post and her issues are so common place, I think you might be projecting some of your own issues here)
Author White Michelle2614 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 LOL! :laugh:thank you for your response! and yes he is private to a certain extent as far as his personal life goes. He isnt the mushy lovey-dovey type which I can respect but I would like for the ppl on his Instagram to know that at the very least he isnt single anymore. I get that we have been broken up and have had alot of issues in the past that have made us distanced and we just got back together in June so I know its something that we have to get used to so maybe im just being impatient. I told him about it and he said that he would but the problem with him is that it has to be on his time which is very annoying when I want him to do it when i ask He is extremely stubborn. And he has always been an extremely friendly person ever since I met him, he has tons of friends and just generally appeals to everyone. Its something that I like about him but I've told him that he needs to realize that his actions are a little too friendly at times and that sometimes females can take them the wrong way. (Ex. smiling and laughing with a girl that he calls a little sister while im sitting in the car) (Ex. commenting under different girls ig pics who he says are nobody to him, just friends yet he makes NO comments whatsoever up under my instagram pictures) He says that he understands and will try to be more aware of his actions but sometimes I feel like Im keeping him from being who he truly is? Or am I right and he needs to be more respectful when in a relationship. Because whenever we go out he introduces me to everyone as his girl (male or female) and he doesnt act funny at all. And okay the time situation, so like I said he has tons of friends and a full-time job where his hours are 4am-12:30 pm (sucks)... If it were up to him he would see his friends everyday and me probably once every 3-5 days. I get that we've known each other 10 years so sometimes the need to see each other isn't what it used to be but I feel like because its been so long we have to work even harder to keep the spark going. Am I wrong for wanting more time? or is 3-5 days with him having a FT job sufficient? I understand that with us not being together for such a long period of time that he may have gotten used to the "single" lifestyle and this new transition may be hard for him to deal with, thats why sometimes I wonder is it me? or is it him? I also know that he is very stubborn and when I ask him to do something, sometimes he WILL NOT do it just because I want him to.
melodymatters Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 LOL! :laugh:thank you for your response! and yes he is private to a certain extent as far as his personal life goes. He isnt the mushy lovey-dovey type which I can respect but I would like for the ppl on his Instagram to know that at the very least he isnt single anymore. I get that we have been broken up and have had alot of issues in the past that have made us distanced and we just got back together in June so I know its something that we have to get used to so maybe im just being impatient. I told him about it and he said that he would but the problem with him is that it has to be on his time which is very annoying when I want him to do it when i ask He is extremely stubborn. And he has always been an extremely friendly person ever since I met him, he has tons of friends and just generally appeals to everyone. Its something that I like about him but I've told him that he needs to realize that his actions are a little too friendly at times and that sometimes females can take them the wrong way. (Ex. smiling and laughing with a girl that he calls a little sister while im sitting in the car) (Ex. commenting under different girls ig pics who he says are nobody to him, just friends yet he makes NO comments whatsoever up under my instagram pictures) He says that he understands and will try to be more aware of his actions but sometimes I feel like Im keeping him from being who he truly is? Or am I right and he needs to be more respectful when in a relationship. Because whenever we go out he introduces me to everyone as his girl (male or female) and he doesnt act funny at all. And okay the time situation, so like I said he has tons of friends and a full-time job where his hours are 4am-12:30 pm (sucks)... If it were up to him he would see his friends everyday and me probably once every 3-5 days. I get that we've known each other 10 years so sometimes the need to see each other isn't what it used to be but I feel like because its been so long we have to work even harder to keep the spark going. Am I wrong for wanting more time? or is 3-5 days with him having a FT job sufficient? I understand that with us not being together for such a long period of time that he may have gotten used to the "single" lifestyle and this new transition may be hard for him to deal with, thats why sometimes I wonder is it me? or is it him? I also know that he is very stubborn and when I ask him to do something, sometimes he WILL NOT do it just because I want him to. Honestly, I still can't tell whether it's "You", him or both of you (most likely !) As far as the friends thing, you said he'd LIKE to see them everyday, not that he DOES. Does he ? If your not living together which it sounds like you clearly are not, than I would say yes, 3-5 nights week is pretty normal, generous even. This might be one off the reasons I always dated introverts even though I'm an extrovert : I like to be my mans main priority and super sociable people always NEED to be in a crowd. I also can't tell from your examples whether he is being human by talking, laughing and smiling with half of the population ( women) or if he's disrespecting you, ignoring you, sending out a flirty sexy vibe. Which do YOU think it is ? If you saw it in a movie or TV show what would you think of the guy and the situation ? It's also hard to tell if you guys got together too young and maybe there still are some wild oats to be sown or if you had enough space, time and other relationships that you both are ready for a LTR. Frankly Michelle, I guess I'm no help ! The good news is nothing her is making me want to stand up and yell "RUN" like so many posts on here do ! lol. Where do YOU want this relationship to go and have you two discussed THAT ?
Assasda Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 He sounds normal. You OP sound pretty jealous and entitled with the 'I just want someone who is sweet, funny, loving, caring, thoughtful, respectful, and who will give me all the things I ask for without so many arguments or stubbornness." statement. A lot of people dont post pictures of their girlfriend, most of those people rarely post pictures of themselves too... so think of that while mentioning "red flags" Bottom line is, if you keep getting jealous, he'll just leave you again. And hopefully he'll realize how truly insecure you are OP btw the word is insecure, not emotional/sensitive
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