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I messed up! I didn't tell her how I felt when she asked me. Letter?

Shockwave

By Shockwave
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Shockwave Member

Shockwave

Posted
Posted

Hi, this is my first post.

 

Eight months ago my gf told me that she had met up with her ex (of two months) to see if there was still anything there. This other guy is long distance. He lives in Dallas and we're both in Kansas City. She told me they had kept in touch while we were seeing each other.

 

Our relationship was intense. We clicked the very first time we met and had a real connection. We spent a lot of time together even though we were only together for two months as well. She wanted to see both of us and repeatedly asked me how I felt and what I wanted. I think I failed badly here.

 

Now for a little backstory. She came out of an 8 yr ltr because her ex didn't want to marry her. She was single for a few months and met this other guy. I believe he used to live here but moved and that's why they stopped seeing each other but that's just a guess on my part. Then she started to see me. I don't believe I was a rebound because we weren't intimate for a while and I could tell there were feeling there for me. She was calling, texting and wanting to see me all of the time.

 

I was at her house the night I learned about all of this but that's not where she told me. When I first got to her place I could tell something was off for about ten minutes but I thought it was because we hadn't seen each other for about a week and a half. I was out of town for work. Then things were back to normal. She told me she had an early morning meeting the next day. This was her way of telling me she didn't want me to sleep over which I had done several times a week. This was new but I understood. Things appeared so normal that we even made out before I left. I arrived home to see she had texted me asking me to call her. I thought I had left something at her house but I also had a bad feeling about it.

 

When we spoke over the phone she was scared. She told me she really wanted to talk about this in person but she was scared and afraid to hurt my feelings. When she told me all of this and the other guy I was basically in shock. I felt we were about perfect together. She told me she had split feelings for us both. I could tell she really didn't know what to do but obviously wanted to see this other guy too. I kept my cool and didn't get mad at her during our conversation. If anything I was too cool. When she asked me how I felt I only said, I like you a lot ugh! The reality was and still is that I'm in love with her but at this point we'd only been together for two months (I thought it was too soon to tell her and this was the first time I've been in love) and I was still in shock learning the news. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her if she wants to see someone in another state to go ahead. Then she asked what I thought about us continuing to see each other but she see him too. I told her I thought that'd be awkward. She agreed. I deeply regret not telling her how I really felt. It's been eight months since the breakup. I haven't heard a thing from her. It's been brutal but I've kept NC. Two weeks ago I couldn't sleep one night and thinking I was over her I looked at her FB. We're not friends but I saw the guy she left me for. I hate to say this because I'm not egotistical but it looks like she took a big downgrade. I'm still in disbelief.

 

I suspect when they met up this other guy told her how he felt about her. Or at least gave her more than I did that night which wouldn't be hard to do. And when she asked me I didn't give her anything. If anything I told her to go ahead and see this guy and that I only liked her. She picked up on what I was saying (but didn't mean) and then tried to LJBF me. I told her I didn't want to be friends but didn't explain. As soon as I got off the phone I was was devastated. The next day I texted her saying I was ok if she wanted to date both of us but still didn't give her any idea about how I really felt about her. Four days later I get a very long text from her breaking up with me. She said there were enough feelings for this other person that she had to see where it went. I have to think she thought her feelings for me weren't being reciprocated whereas with this other guy they were.

 

I was a complete mess for almost two months. Then I convinced myself that she'd be back. I was really good up until I looked at her FB. I'm dating but honestly I'm not giving these women a fair shot. Even when I'm with them I'm not really with them. So I saw her FB. I don't know for sure but it looks like they're still seeing each other. Because a plane ride is involved for them to get together I can't believe they're seeing each other a lot though. Once I saw them together and the guy she's with I was once again a mess although not as bad as the first two months.

 

So eight months later I still deeply regret not telling her how I felt about her. I can't help but think if I had things would be much different once she knew how I felt about her. So I thought perhaps I'd write her a letter. I don't know if I'd say I love her or simply imply it. Telling her I love her may be a bit much after eight months but I'd at least let her know I regret how I handled it and I still have very strong feelings for her.

 

I just joined this site but I've read that sending a letter is a bad idea. However, in my case I think it's obvious why I want to because of what I said or rather didn't say to her. We parted on very good terms. I never begged, cried or chased her at all. A part of me thinks, they're still together and it's been eight months and I haven't heard anything from her. If I don't do something I don't think I ever will hear anything from her.

 

I also have spoken to a Phd a few times about this. Her suggestion was that I write a letter for me because I'm carrying a lot of guilt about this. She thinks it'd help me, maybe both of us, if I shared my honest feelings with her.

 

I'm waffling badly on what to do. I'm torn because some on here say that writing a letter only pushes them further away. The other part of me feels that if I don't do this I may profoundly regret it on my death bed (morose I know but you get the idea). This girl is my first love and as you all know it's just torture. My question for everyone is what would you do in my situation? The end goal is for her to come back. I can stay strong and remain quiet if in everyone's opinion that would give her coming back a much better chance of happening. If you say don't write a letter what is your reasoning behind that? I really don't think I'd feel worse about it. It seems a lot of the reasoning behind not sending a letter is to protect oneself. I think IF I were to write it I'd feel better knowing she now knows how I feel and I did everything I could. That would be that. Of course I'd wonder what she was thinking for a while. I also know not to expect a reply and to keep my expectations in check.

 

I don't believe she's a bad person. She could have strung me along seen both of us and not have told me anything. Although the other guy may not know I even exist. Regardless, she was honest by telling me about it. I can imagine she's pretty unsure of everything after an 8 year relationship that failed. I'm trying to be understanding about this and I know from past experience that it's possible to have real feelings for two people at the same time.

 

What do you guys think and why?

ThorntonMelon Established Member

ThorntonMelon

Posted
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To me not sure you could push her further away - shes out of your life completely.

 

I don't see how a letter really hurts, but I am doubting much will come of it.

Natsu21 Established Member

Natsu21

Posted
Posted

Man to man?

 

Women can sense when a man wants them.

 

You got the runaround, dude. It wasn't that her feelings for you weren't being reciprocated...she was cake-eating, and clearly, if you were nearer and he was farther, guess which one she valued more?

 

Hint: It ain't you.

 

You're being played. She's young and she wants it all. She lost interest in anything exclusive with you, but probably wants you as a backup.

 

Move on with your life. It's gonna hurt man, it's gonna hurt a lot but you're not getting anything out of it.

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

I sent my ex an email (too soon and wasn't really honest with my feelings) and then mailed a hand written letter expressing my true feelings after letting some time pass. It did me no good. I did get a phone call and went over a few things, but nothing came of it. I would never send the email and therefore never would have sent the letter if I had to do over again.

 

Write and mail it to yourself or do it as an email and send it to a good friend. Do not send anything to her. Trust me from recent experience on it, it will do more harm than good.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

Send her the letter if it is what yoru heart wants to do , nothing may come of it,something just may coem fo it, who is to say if it will or it wont.....anythign is possible..... so if you dont send it you will never know, so send it to her.....and follow your heart .....have no expectations ......you can hope.....and thats what you will have .....know with having that hope in you, you are doing it for you more than anything else.....and the fact that you would rather do that letter than not know at all.....if you dotn get a reply move on.....send it snail mail......deb

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted
Send her the letter if it is what yoru heart wants to do , nothing may come of it,something just may coem fo it, who is to say if it will or it wont.....anythign is possible..... so if you dont send it you will never know, so send it to her.....and follow your heart .....have no expectations ......you can hope.....and thats what you will have .....know with having that hope in you, you are doing it for you more than anything else.....and the fact that you would rather do that letter than not know at all.....if you dont get a reply move on.....send it snail mail......deb

 

you know what? I am going to change my mind on the mailed letter because I still do not regret sending it. I regret my initial email though and without that I would not have not sent a letter.

 

If you feel you have to, send it to her, but please after you write maybe have a good friend look at or post some of it here and sit on it for 3-4 days before you mail. I did that with my hand written letter.

 

Like this poster said, do not have any expectations. You are doing this for yourself. If you get something back, great, but you wont know if or when that will be, so don't have high hopes. Understand that this will eat at you after you send it. Even though you may say that you wont expect anything, you will be waiting and hoping for a response and wonder if she read it or not and it may not come at all so you have to be able to move past it at some point. With me, it took her 2 weeks to respond and it was by phone and I was not prepared for a phone call and they are prepared because they are initiating it and you have no idea it's coming. A text response or email would actually have been better for me.

 

good luck

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Shockwave Member

Shockwave

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

She's not young. We're both in our mid 30s.

 

I'm happy I'm getting some feedback about this. I feel like I'm in a fog. Not sure which way to go. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts.

 

I'm trying to understand this idea that writing to her would push her further away. Is it that she knows she can have me therefore doesn't want me anymore, i.e., no more challenge? Or is it something different? I've read some believe writing a letter comes across as desperate, weak and needy behavior. The thing is I've never demonstrated any of that for eight months. I was never weak with her. I realize if I did anything wrong it may have been that I was too available for her. If, IF I were to write a letter I wouldn't ask her for a second chance, beg or any of that. I'd just tell her I regretted what I said and that this is what I wish I would have said.

 

I know she knew I was interested in her. How much though I really don't know. She talked about wanting me to meet more of her friends. Also, she opened up to me about a lot of stuff including her 8 year ltr and her father's death.

 

She asked me at least three times that night how I felt and what I wanted. Unfortunately, at least for me, I told her the exact opposite of what I wanted, that I didn't really care strongly one way or the other. I did text her the next day letting her know I was still interested in seeing her though. I don't think that was enough for her. Realizing she's older,(36) she doesn't want to waste her time with someone if they're not really feeling it for her. I completely botched up our conversation and I came across way too aloof in my text. I did a poor job with that text too. Almost making a joke out of everything ugh!

 

I suppose the big question is; in my situation, would writing her do any harm at this point? It's been eight months. I would be doing this for me primarily. Although I'm not kidding myself, I do hope that it would get us talking again. Knowing that, I absolutely do not want to push her further away. If you think the odds are better for her to contact me if I don't write a letter then I won't do it. NC sucks but I've done it for eight months already.

 

Maybe I'm projecting but I believe she feels very bad about what happened. My Phd brought this up and said it's very common that even if someone wanted to get in touch with an ex (more so if it was a woman and they were the one who ended it) they rarely do because they know the pain they've caused them. So they avoid it. I would hope that she, the dumper, wouldn't feel that way. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't. I don't think anyone knows but her.

 

IF I were to write a letter do you suggest I hand write it and send it certified snail mail so I know she got it or would an email be OK?

Edited by Shockwave
dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

Hand written it is the most sincere way of letter her know. Email is too easy, so if you want to make an impression, hand written would be it. No need to send it certified. I just mailed mine regular mail and she got it and read it.

Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ask yourself these questions: "Why am I unable to give other women I have dated a fair shot?" & "If one of them expressed deep feelings for me, would it change how I feel about them?"

 

Get my point?

 

She broke up with you because, as she told you, she wanted to see where it would go with the other guy. At the time she suggested seeing both of you, she wasn't sure if it would work out with him & she was hoping to keep you as her fall back guy.

 

Whether you realize it or not, your response saved you from even more grief & disappointment. Had you told her how you felt, it's likely that the outcome would have been the same, just delayed.

 

As far as the letter is concerned, I would advise against it. Even if she were to take you back if things didnt work out with the other guy, would you really be able to be happy knowing that you were her second choice?

 

If it's any consolation, most of us don't end up spending our lives with our first loves even though they are rarely forgotten. Give yourself a little time to work through the fact that the relationship wasn't meant to be, it's over, & she's gone before you do any more dating. When you ARE ready, your odds of finding someone special will be greatly increased.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited by Survivor12
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Shockwave Member

Shockwave

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Ask yourself these questions: "Why am I unable to give other women I have dated a fair shot?" & "If one of them expressed deep feelings for me, would it change how I feel about them?"

 

Get my point?

 

She broke up with you because, as she told you, she wanted to see where it would go with the other guy. At the time she suggested seeing both of you, she wasn't sure if it would work out with him & she was hoping to keep you as her fall back guy.

 

Whether you realize it or not, your response saved you from even more grief & disappointment. Had you told her how you felt, it's likely that the outcome would have been the same, just delayed.

 

As far as the letter is concerned, I would advise against it. Even if she were to take you back if things didnt work out with the other guy, would you really be able to be happy knowing that you were her second choice?

 

 

I suppose you're right. I still think about her every day. It's hard to think straight about it. I want to make excuses for her behavior, i.e., if I had only done X then this wouldn't have happened. It's just a terrible feeling to realize the person you love and believe has the same feelings for you not only doesn't love you (enough or at all) but would rather try it out with a long distance guy. Then seeing the guy and asking yourself what the hell is in her head?!

 

She definitely has the grass is greener syndrome. I don't like to say this because it sounds bad but it's been a big hit to my ego seeing the guy she chose over me.

 

Does writing a letter to your ex ever help in getting them back? Or, in your opinion, in addition to not being good for the dumpee, it backfires and pushes the dumper further away?

ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted

Letter are easily the biggest mistakes one can make after a breakup. Read these forums and tell me how many people come back and were happy they sent it. There is so much I could write, but for the sake of time, sending a letter is a terrible idea.

 

They are unnecessary. Dont send it.

Survivor12 Established Member

Survivor12

Posted
Posted
Letter are easily the biggest mistakes one can make after a breakup. Read these forums and tell me how many people come back and were happy they sent it. There is so much I could write, but for the sake of time, sending a letter is a terrible idea.

 

They are unnecessary. Dont send it.

 

This^^^^^^^^

 

And, as for the other guy, stop comparing yourself & judging him based solely on his appearance. You don't know his personality or anything about him. Besides, it's not even about who each of you are but about what attracts HER.

 

It's like you comparing what I had for dinner the last two nights & trying to figure out which I preferred based on photos & having no idea of what I even like.

 

Focus on you & what will help you move forward.

irresolute Established Member

irresolute

Posted
Posted

Very long to read.

Just to say do not send any letter. You'll regret it later. She may very well know your feelings. Sometimes there's no need to even tell.

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Shockwave Member

Shockwave

Posted
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Yeah, I did get a little carried away writing it didn't I.

 

Thing is, irresolute I still want her to come back. Do you think writing a letter would push her further away?

 

I believe she's still with this other person. Eight months later she's not in my life so what harm could a letter do?

 

I'm new here but why do you think most people who send letters say they regret it?

 

Do they say this to protect themselves (the dumpee) or is it that letters just don't work?

 

I'm just so conflicted about it. I'm not sleeping much and that's not helping.

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