I'm not sure

[1340V12]

I'm 42, she is 41.

We were together almost 7 years, we married but split up in January of 2014.

The reason we broke up were some expectations on her part were not met by me.

My current job takes me all over the country, sometimes for months at a time. Also, for the past two years I was in a depression where I was bored, apathetic, unmotivated and just emotionally not available to her. She wanted me home and wanted me to be "present". Understandable.

 

During the 7 months we have been apart, I set out and started working on myself. I got out of the depression and worked on other issues I had (I was unhappy with myself because I let my career define me as opposed to just being happy where I am).

 

We have been in constant contact since the break-up. A few months ago, it toned down to text messages and email. It has always been chit chatting how are you doing stuff, talk about our days and sometimes vent durin a stressful situation. There was no relationship talk at all. I never brought up what I was doing or going thru and vice versa.

 

She recently started dating again, and decided that no contact would be the best option. That lasted two days when she started contacting me again.

 

She had a therapy appointment yesterday and I fully expected to be put back into no contact. Instead, we talked about what she was going through, how she can't seem to let go and is scared of losing me (paraphrased, of course). She said she still feels confused and conflicted.

 

The topic turned to me and how I have been doing. I brought up all the work I have been doing on myself and how I am no longer depressed and have finally figured why I was never happy with my job situation (it was a little deeper than that, but you get the idea).

 

She said she was amazed at the work I have done and that she is really proud of me. She implied that this information was definitely something she was not expecting.

 

Now, other work I have done has been just to get over the relationship. I still love her and care for her deeply. During the two days no contact lasted, it was a little difficult, but it is something I can endure.

 

I have also asked myself a million times if I want her back and whether I should go for it or move on. I am in a place where I am prepared to do either.

 

At this stage, I am prepared to work where I can be home full time (which was a large issue). And since coming out of the depression, I am prepared to be there emotionally for her.

 

We get along great. We rarely fought (we had debates) and when we did have a disagreement we rarely raised our voices to each other. There was no name calling or any that junk.

 

But, given what I wrote, what do you think the chances are? Or am I just whizzing in the wind?

Edited July 26, 2014 by 1340V12

[supportlove]

You sounded just like my exboyfriend. we broke up 4 weeks ago. We have no contact at all since the break up.

 

Assume your ex and I are at a similar stage, allow me to share couple of my thoughts (as a woman) with you. Hope it will help you in some ways.

 

1) If she keeps contacting you and telling you that she cannot let go, she obviously still has strong feelings for you and she expect your relationship would work in a better term.

 

2) She started to dating again. It's reasonable. I dated couple guys after two weeks when we were apart. The main reason I did it was I was in pain and I wanted to ease my mind out of my exboyfriend. Those were not good experiences. Deep down I know I was not ready for seeing other people. I kept comparing them to my ex and only to realize how much I love my ex.

 

If you kept contacting your ex and telling her you are working on the issues, as a woman I would say that she would be happier/more comfortable to wait / to have expectations on you instead of new boys.

 

3) A 7 year relationship means something. Don't give up. It has been a long time and it is so easy to make mistakes such as taking each other for granted. A breakup could benefit the relationship in a long run. Like a wake up call. It is good you realized what goes wrong. Try your best to save it. If both of you could go through this challenge, your relationship will be upgrade to another level.

[1340V12]

You sounded just like my exboyfriend. we broke up 4 weeks ago. We have no contact at all since the break up.

 

Assume your ex and I are at a similar stage, allow me to share couple of my thoughts (as a woman) with you. Hope it will help you in some ways.

 

1) If she keeps contacting you and telling you that she cannot let go, she obviously still has strong feelings for you and she expect your relationship would work in a better term.

 

2) She started to dating again. It's reasonable. I dated couple guys after two weeks when we were apart. The main reason I did it was I was in pain and I wanted to ease my mind out of my exboyfriend. Those were not good experiences. Deep down I know I was not ready for seeing other people. I kept comparing them to my ex and only to realize how much I love my ex.

 

If you kept contacting your ex and telling her you are working on the issues, as a woman I would say that she would be happier/more comfortable to wait / to have expectations on you instead of new boys.

 

3) A 7 year relationship means something. Don't give up. It has been a long time and it is so easy to make mistakes such as taking each other for granted. A breakup could benefit the relationship in a long run. Like a wake up call. It is good you realized what goes wrong. Try your best to save it. If both of you could go through this challenge, your relationship will be upgrade to another level.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

I'm just not sure how to proceed from this point. This is the first time she has heard about any of the progress I have made on myself. I didn't mention anything about getting back together, etc...

 

I wonder if this has planted a seed?

 

I mean, at this point, do I lay it out there for her? Right now we are living in separate states. Do I let her know that I would be willing to move back and obtain a kind of job that would allow me to be home every day as opposed to what I am currently doing? To let her know I understand what went wrong and how it would be a different ball game because I am not the me who she left?

 

Everywhere I read, I hear how this is not the way to go. That it tends to push the other person away as it seems desperate or clingy...of which I am not. Like I said, I am in a place and prepared to move in either direction. But I also don't want to walk away if there is a chance.

Edited July 26, 2014 by 1340V12

[supportlove]

Well, it's really about you. About how serious you want her back in your life.

If you have a plan for both of you. Of course, let her know. See if she wants to work on it with you or she prefers moving on with a new life. If she decides to move on, respect her decition and start with no contact. Let her decide. Don't let your pride get in your way.

 

The way I understand about nc is it leaves couple spaces to calm down, to get a perspective of their relationship, to figure out if they truly love each other. To one point if a person wants his/her relationship back, one of them would break nc eventually. Unless you want more time to figure things out, you should make a move. Plus, the fact that you are at another state, you might want to put more effort on communications. Hurry up when she still wants you.

Edited July 26, 2014 by supportlove

[1340V12]

Well, it's really about you. About how serious you want her back in your life.

If you have a plan for both of you. Of course, let her know. See if she wants to work on it with you or she prefers moving on with a new life. If she decides to move on, respect her decition and start with no contact. Let her decide. Don't let your pride get in your way.

 

The way I understand about nc is it leaves couple spaces to calm down, to get a perspective of their relationship, to figure out if they truly love each other. To one point if a person wants his/her relationship back, one of them would break nc eventually. Unless you want more time to figure things out, you should make a move. Plus, the fact that you are at another state, you might want to put more effort on communications. Hurry up when she still wants you.

 

I worry about pushing her away again or making it seem like I am desperate.

 

during our time apart (7 months), I worked on coming to terms that the relationship is over. I'm not worried about me moving on. No contact would have to be limited contact as we need to touch base every now and then regarding some business issues, etc...

 

As for her, if she needs it than I am more than willing to give it to her when she chooses to do so.

 

I'd like to add that in the past 7 months, we have seen each other in person on 3 occasions. The last time was in May on my drive to my work site.

I get done up here around Sept. I'm not sure if she would be open to seeing me in person at that time.

 

Right now, she seems like she doesn't want to reconcile. But the feelings are there. And she is having major issues with moving on from me, as we discussed the other night.

Edited July 27, 2014 by 1340V12

[1340V12]

Still not sure.

 

I composed a letter (email) for her as I don't think she would be up to a phone call.

In the letter I expressed my desire to be together and outlined some of the work and progress I have done for myself over the past 7 months and how that could effect the outcome of reconciliation.

 

the problem I am having is do I send it over to her? I would like to let her know where I stand and where I am at (emotionally). I know what I am writing above sounds needy and desperate, but I am not in that state of mind.

 

I guess it is a matter of what do I have to lose? Any opinions out there?

[1340V12]

Hmm...interesting.

 

I didn't plan on contacting her today. If she felt like it, than fine. I would respond.

 

So, I get a "Good morning!!" from her and the usual how are you chit chat.

I ask her if she has any plans for today and she replied that she is meeting a "friend" for lunch and then going to a play afterwards. Now, I know it's a date she is going on and I'm actually fine with it.

 

What was interesting it is at a theater we went to when we were first dating. She mentioned this during out text conversation. Now why is that? Why would she mention it? Just curious.

[supportlove]

she is moving on and still tries to keep you in her life. the attachment with you is still there. if you let her, she will eventually move on.

 

agree with her now. your marriage did fail. she should choose to move on or try to work things out. also, tell her that you are working on yourself and hoping there would be another chance in the future. you said that you were afraid if you said so you would push her away. the truth is she is pushing herself moving forward from the past. what are you gonna loose?

 

my ex doesn't seem that he wants to make it work. if he does, i will still scare if he will go back to the old him and screw things up again. he really did hurt me. it will take me a lot of courage to give it another try. i will say show her that how serious you are.

best wishes.

Edited July 27, 2014 by supportlove

[1340V12]

she is moving on and still tries to keep you in her life. the attachment with you is still there. if you let her, she will eventually move on.

 

agree with her now. your marriage did fail. she should choose to move on or try to work things out. also, tell her that you are working on yourself and hoping there would be another chance in the future. you said that you were afraid if you said so you would push her away. the truth is she is pushing herself moving forward from the past. what are you gonna loose?

 

my ex doesn't seem that he wants to make it work. if he does, i will still scare if he will go back to the old him and screw things up again. he really did hurt me. it will take me a lot of courage to give it another try. i will say show her that how serious you are.

best wishes.

 

Yup. I've got nothing to lose at this point. The texting ended on a bad note when I brought up some memories of when we were first dating. She said she is cutting off contact except for the few logistical issues we have. I was actually expecting this and it didn't even really phase me.

 

Since she is angry with me, should I wait a day or two to send to her what I wrote or should I just go ahead and send it?

[supportlove]

I added you to my contact list. Would you send me an email pls? I'd like to ask you couple questions and pls help me..

[1340V12]

Ok. I can do that. I can't quite figure out how to contact you tho. Hmm....

Edited July 27, 2014 by 1340V12

[1340V12]

Anyone out there?