Broken Engagement

[pinklemonade91]

I've read so many of these threads as I've been working through my recent broken engagement for the past 2 months. I think that I finally needed to write my own.

 

My fiance and I were together for 3 1/2 years and we had been engaged for the past year (he's 24, I'm 22). Things were so incredible for us, I was accepted into graduate school and he found a teaching job five minutes away from the school. We had even gone out to buy a dog 3 months ago. All of our friends wanted the kind of relationship that we had, we were near perfect together, and I felt that he was my soul mate. Over the past month of our relationship he seemed more withdrawn than usual, but whenever I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said that he was fine and just stressed with work. Then about three months ago, out of the blue, he asked me to give him space. Not understanding what was going on with him, I spent the weekend with my family until I finally gave in and called him. He rushed over to my house to meet me and expressed how sorry he was to not only me, but to my parents for having put me through that weekend. He held me and told me that he loved me and that he couldn't see his life with anyone else. Two weeks after our reconciliation, he began to shut down on me again. I was at home when he called me and told me that he was done. In a 10 minute phone conversation, he told me that he wanted my ring back and he wanted me to move out of the apartment the following day. I sent texts to him up until the next day, wondering why he made this decision, but all that he could say was "I don't want you to wait for me", "I can't sacrifice myself for you anymore", and "I hate that I don't know who I am anymore". After moving out, I went NC for an entire month. Absolutely nothing, no calls, no texts, no facebook messages. After that month, my friends pushed me to call him and ask for a few of my things back. I called him and he hung up. On the second call, he explained that he had no desire to see me (he sent his parents to bring me my things), he was much happier without me, and we had 100% of no future together. I told him that I was sorry that he felt that way and once again tried to evoke some kind of explanation. He simply reiterated that he had been unhappy for some time and he was sorry that this seemed out of blue.

 

His family was devastated when they came by to drop off my things. They feel as though they have fallen off of the same cliff that I have. It's worth mentioning that two weeks after breaking up, he deleted me and almost 50 people that were associated with me off of his facebook. He has also gone through all of his pictures in the past month and deleted any where we even looked like a couple (including our engagement pictures).

 

As if he couldn't have broken my heart any more than that, he began dating someone completely new just two weeks after he broke my heart. And I'm having so much trouble understanding how someone can end an engagement and move on so quickly. I have remained no contact with him since that phone call one month ago and I have no intention of speaking to him. I know that I can never resume a relationship with him, but part of me still wants him to feel and grieve the loss of what we had instead of just filling this void with someone else.

 

He is still moving to this new job near my graduate school in a couple weeks and his new girlfriend will be about a two hour drive away.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through anything even remotely similar. Do you think that his new relationship will last? Do you think that despite him ignoring my existence and cutting me out of his life that he would eventually come crawling back one day? Any thoughts would be more than welcome. I just feel so broken and that I'll never find a love like what we had while he's already replaced me. I don't know what to do.

[Tbisb74]

I suspect he began dating someone 2 weeks after breaking up with you - but she was on the scene a lot earlier. And I think that was the catalyst that made him realise this was too much too soon....

In a nutshell, my darling, he actually felt penned in and wants to sow his oats, enjoy his youth and have the freedom to do that. And (don't hate me) he's right.

You are both really far too young to consider marriage, and while I don't know how long the engagement would have been, your brains aren't done maturing yet (biological, anatomical fact) so his thinking went haywire, because he panicked.

He will not come crawling back - and in your shoes, I would not accept soiled goods, or being second best. Honestly, what would his coming back tell you? "Well I had me some fun without you, sowed a few oats, met a few girls, got me some action, but Hey! I'm back now, we can start again/pick up where we left off!" He may be your first real love, and we none of us ever forget that - but he is NOT the love of your life. Clearly, he isn't. And you will love again, and love someone who feels the way about you, that you do about this sleazeball.

He ended it. Not in a particularly tactful, nice or gentle way. But it's over. Heal, and move on.

[d0nnivain]

For whatever reason that he could not articulate he didn't want to be married . . . whether at all, to you, or now I can't say but this was not as sudden as it was sprung on you.

 

I am so sorry you are in pain. But it will pass. You can't see it now but better a broken engagement then a divorce.

 

Don't worry about his new relationship. It has nothing to do with you. You need all your energy to concentrate on healing.

[No Limit]

He at the very least had an emotional affair while you were engaged. It would also explain why he 'can't stand your sight', could be that there's some guilt in him. Be glad you didn't marry this fella, or else this crap would have resurfaced years later into marriage and torn up your own family.

 

Be glad he's gone, now there's room for a good guy.

[BC1980]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. What he did is awful, and you don't deserve it. Like everyone else said, the other woman was probably on the scene way before he left you. It does explain why he can't face you and wants nothing to do with you. It's guilt, and he doesn't want any reminders.

 

It's hard in the beginning to see that the person you loved is not who you thought he was.

[pinklemonade91]

Thank you for all of the insight. Thinking back, I remember seeing a phone number that I didn't recognize calling his phone one day not too long before he ended things. He told me to let it go to voice mail.

 

I should add that he was the one that really wanted to buy a dog prior to our break up. And I can't understand why he would propose in the first place if he wasn't ready to be married. We were going to wait at least 3 years while I'm in school before getting married. I never pushed marriage on him, he initiated all of the major steps in our relationship since it began. That is why it is so hard for me to grasp what happened.

[BC1980]

Thank you for all of the insight. Thinking back, I remember seeing a phone number that I didn't recognize calling his phone one day not too long before he ended things. He told me to let it go to voice mail.

 

I should add that he was the one that really wanted to buy a dog prior to our break up. And I can't understand why he would propose in the first place if he wasn't ready to be married. We were going to wait at least 3 years while I'm in school before getting married. I never pushed marriage on him, he initiated all of the major steps in our relationship since it began. That is why it is so hard for me to grasp what happened.

 

The same thing happened to me. My ex initiated all the major steps in our relationship but would then pull back. It's baffling behavior if you have never experienced it before and are emotionally attached to the person. You always see the good in that person because you are in love and want to see the best. It's heartbreaking, and it's taken such a toll on me. When I look back, there were signs along the way that I ignored.

 

I feel for you though. To have your trust so broken is a devastation that I'm not sure I will ever forget. Don't try to look for reasons WHY because there will never be a good reason. There will never be a reason that you understand. It's a long road to recovery, but it can be done.

[mtnbiker3000]

I was engaged to my ex as well. 3 years together and engaged for 18 months. Thought she was the one. I was wrong... Plain and simple.. And I'm much older than you. Believe me, its a blessing in disguise. You're better off. Youll see that eventually!!

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Oh wow I went through the same thing! Except we aren't in our early 20s. Although, it shouldn't matter the age, since I know many couples who married in their early 20s.

 

Met my ex 4 years ago. He pursued me relentlessly. I didn't take him seriously for a long time. He begged me to date him, begged me to be exclusive, we fell in love, and he proposed. I felt like we were soul mates, too. I've never agreed to any other man's proposal until him. We did everything together, had magical moments, everything in common, I thought we were perfect for each other! This was the best relationship I've ever had.

 

The last few months he started acting distracted, complaining more, stressed out, but still loving and crazy about me. He took me to a romantic restaurant last month and told me he was making arrangements for us to elope. He arranged the trip and hotel. I was so excited.

 

Then a few weeks ago he cancelled the trip, we played the back and forth ignoring game, then he called and said he was leaving me! He didn't give me any real reason. He kept driving by my house, wanting some of his "stuff" back, I ignored him. Then he called again and said he loved me like crazy, missed me, wanted to be the guy I needed/wanted, then the next day he texted me he didn't care anymore. That's the last I heard from him. Basically he left me a few days before our wedding. Talk about crazy making!

 

I'm going on 4 weeks of NC. I don't know what hit me. This is NOT the guy I fell in love with and have been with for 4 years. I still don't know what happened and why.

 

I've learned over the years that men have the capability to turn on and off like a light switch. Even though they love you more than anything, can't live without you, they can easily walk away and move on without looking back.

 

There may have been early warning signs with your guy that you missed. Can you think back and see any red flags during your relationship? Any character flaws in him (besides dating this new girl)?

 

I know it's a shock and it hurts like hell. It's even worse when you don't have a reason why your guy flipped out (like mine). But it sounds like your guy was cheating, and that's really awful to do when you're engaged. You're young enough where you won't have any problem finding a man with GOOD CHARACTER who won't cheat on you and will marry you someday.

[pinklemonade91]

BrokenHeartAndWings,

 

I'm so sorry that something so similar happened to you too. Thank you for writing all of that. I can't believe how alike our experiences have been. My ex-fiance also talked about going to the courthouse to sign papers just to make things official a couple of months ago. But both you and I will find someone better. Someone who can follow through and not make empty promises.

 

I've known that he had flaws. The biggest was that he kept in touch with his ex-girlfriend, and there was one point about ten months ago where his texts to her crossed the line in my opinion. But I forgave him because we were engaged and I thought that he was just looking to her because I was spending a lot of time at work. He never met up with her and I know that he didn't physically cheat on me then (she lives in another state). But he kept her in his life, so I have a feeling that he will turn to her again when his new relationship progresses out of the honeymoon phase.

 

Not that I could ever accept him back into my life, but do you think that their actions ever catch up to them someday? Or do they leave completely unscathed?

[BC1980]

Not that I could ever accept him back into my life, but do you think that their actions ever catch up to them someday? Or do they leave completely unscathed?

 

That's a good question, but I think some people are inherently selfish. I don't mean in obvious ways but in more subtle ways. With my ex, it was all about how I was useful to him. Once I was no longer of use to him, I was discarded. That kind of behavior was basically his MO for dealing with people. I saw it, but it was so subtle that I didn't want to believe it. When I did anything that rendered me a possible liability to him, I was gone. I think these people are users and can flip a switch. They don't love unconditionally. It's all on a condition. My ex even treated his son with disdain if he didn't do certain things or make certain grades in school, and he treated others in his family with the same contempt. I don't necessarily think that they suffer any consequences.

 

I'm surprised at how common this scenario is though. Just the weekend before my ex called it off, he was talking about where we should go on our honeymoon, saying I was the best thing that ever happened to me, and bought me a rose bush that he planted in our yard. He had told my parents of his plans to marry me and bought the ring. Just crazy sh*t. I would never entertain any sort of contact from him again, and I suggest you do the same with your ex. He had just taken his medical boards for re-certification the day before he broke it off with me. I'm pretty sure he had planned the breakup for a few weeks but waited until it was convenient for him. Of course, during all that time, I was shuffling his son back and forth to soccer practice and helping him do his homework, so my ex could study. It's kind of a low blow.

 

I bet that if you look back, you will see red flags that you knew were problems at the time but ignored them.

Edited July 28, 2014 by BC1980

[theexfiance]

I've read so many of these threads as I've been working through my recent broken engagement for the past 2 months. I think that I finally needed to write my own.

 

My fiance and I were together for 3 1/2 years and we had been engaged for the past year (he's 24, I'm 22). Things were so incredible for us, I was accepted into graduate school and he found a teaching job five minutes away from the school. We had even gone out to buy a dog 3 months ago. All of our friends wanted the kind of relationship that we had, we were near perfect together, and I felt that he was my soul mate. Over the past month of our relationship he seemed more withdrawn than usual, but whenever I asked him if he wanted to talk, he said that he was fine and just stressed with work. Then about three months ago, out of the blue, he asked me to give him space. Not understanding what was going on with him, I spent the weekend with my family until I finally gave in and called him. He rushed over to my house to meet me and expressed how sorry he was to not only me, but to my parents for having put me through that weekend. He held me and told me that he loved me and that he couldn't see his life with anyone else. Two weeks after our reconciliation, he began to shut down on me again. I was at home when he called me and told me that he was done. In a 10 minute phone conversation, he told me that he wanted my ring back and he wanted me to move out of the apartment the following day. I sent texts to him up until the next day, wondering why he made this decision, but all that he could say was "I don't want you to wait for me", "I can't sacrifice myself for you anymore", and "I hate that I don't know who I am anymore". After moving out, I went NC for an entire month. Absolutely nothing, no calls, no texts, no facebook messages. After that month, my friends pushed me to call him and ask for a few of my things back. I called him and he hung up. On the second call, he explained that he had no desire to see me (he sent his parents to bring me my things), he was much happier without me, and we had 100% of no future together. I told him that I was sorry that he felt that way and once again tried to evoke some kind of explanation. He simply reiterated that he had been unhappy for some time and he was sorry that this seemed out of blue.

 

His family was devastated when they came by to drop off my things. They feel as though they have fallen off of the same cliff that I have. It's worth mentioning that two weeks after breaking up, he deleted me and almost 50 people that were associated with me off of his facebook. He has also gone through all of his pictures in the past month and deleted any where we even looked like a couple (including our engagement pictures).

 

As if he couldn't have broken my heart any more than that, he began dating someone completely new just two weeks after he broke my heart. And I'm having so much trouble understanding how someone can end an engagement and move on so quickly. I have remained no contact with him since that phone call one month ago and I have no intention of speaking to him. I know that I can never resume a relationship with him, but part of me still wants him to feel and grieve the loss of what we had instead of just filling this void with someone else.

 

He is still moving to this new job near my graduate school in a couple weeks and his new girlfriend will be about a two hour drive away.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through anything even remotely similar. Do you think that his new relationship will last? Do you think that despite him ignoring my existence and cutting me out of his life that he would eventually come crawling back one day? Any thoughts would be more than welcome. I just feel so broken and that I'll never find a love like what we had while he's already replaced me. I don't know what to do.

 

I'm 23, my ex fiance was 21. She's practically the female version of your ex. Everything that you've described, she did/said at some point during our break up/the time leading up to it. It's been almost three months for me.

 

I think you shouldn't worry about the new gf. My ex also found a new guy within 2 weeks of our break up (actually, she slept with one guy and then got a new boyfriend the next day, different guy).

 

I also think that it isn't worth our time to think about whether or not they'll come back. Go NC and focus on you healing. It's hard. Really fuc#ing hard. But it can be done and I'm the proof. There will be horrible days. Three months in and I still have them (today was one). You will cry, you will struggle, you will hurt, and you will miss them. Love isn't everything...this is loss. Allow yourself to feel it and grieve. However...also start to move on. We'll support you. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.

[pinklemonade91]

I posted a couple of months ago after my fiance ended our engagement and refused to speak to me or see me again after he started dating someone two weeks after our break up. I've currently been no contact for the past three months and I think that I've finally hit the point where I'm ready to move on from him. As much as I want to move on, I'll admit that I've been struggling. I've gone out with a few guys now, just for dinner to get to know them. But I still have this empty feeling and I always end up in tears after meeting up with them. I didn't struggle like this during a prior break up and I just need someone to tell me that with time that empty feeling will go away. I'm just at such a loss right now.

[johnson_j]

The feeling will go away. What your ex did was deplorable, and didn't give you any closure. I'd suggest not going out with any more guys, dinner dates or ANYTHING until you are 95% okay in my mind and heart. You're only prolonging your own pain ("Why can't dinner date be like X") or worst case, you meet someone with whom you connect, realize that you're not over ex yet, and both of you get hurt.

[BC1980]

I posted a couple of months ago after my fiance ended our engagement and refused to speak to me or see me again after he started dating someone two weeks after our break up. I've currently been no contact for the past three months and I think that I've finally hit the point where I'm ready to move on from him. As much as I want to move on, I'll admit that I've been struggling. I've gone out with a few guys now, just for dinner to get to know them. But I still have this empty feeling and I always end up in tears after meeting up with them. I didn't struggle like this during a prior break up and I just need someone to tell me that with time that empty feeling will go away. I'm just at such a loss right now.

 

The emptiness will go away with time, but I wouldn't date anyone right now. I think that going on dates is going to trigger you to remember your ex and put you in even more pain. I tried to date immediately after my breakup, and I ended up feeling worse. It won't always be that way, but, for right now, focus on yourself. The things that really helped me through were meeting new people, getting closer to old friends I had neglected, getting closer to family, and volunteering at some places. It's helpful because you fill the void with human connection, and that is what you need. With time, the intense sadness over your ex wanes as you fill your life up with different people to love. It does take time though, so be patient with yourself. I know it's frustrating, but this is one of those things where there is no quick fix.

[CarrieT]

Although, it shouldn't matter the age, since I know many couples who married in their early 20s.

But how many of those marriages survive?

 

Pinkle, here is something important to consider that many of us "oldies" comprehend...

 

Biologically, neither of you are fully adult yet. Written up in this article, the frontal cortex does not finish attaching to the brain until the 27th or so year.

 

In short, those processes that involve decision-making are not fully connected and many, MANY people in their mid-20s start to change their mind about all sorts of things. It is why many of us heartily recommend not getting married in the early 20s.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but sometime around your mid-30s, you might be very grateful that the engagement was called off as YOU will be a really different person as you "gel" into that adult that you are meant to be.