Jadedbyluv Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 Anymore, it seems the disappearing act is so commonplace when it comes to dating. You hit it off, things are going great then they disappear as fast as they came. Just curious how many people this actually happens to? And did the person reappear? Did you get closure? Interested to see other people's stories.
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 Anymore, it seems the disappearing act is so commonplace when it comes to dating. You hit it off, things are going great then they disappear as fast as they came. Just curious how many people this actually happens to? And did the person reappear? Did you get closure? Interested to see other people's stories. It happened to me many times. They rarely reappear. I don't need closure from short encounters. The only one I had a hard time with was when he pulled a disappearing act after 6 months. That was was harder to deal with but if he disappears after a few dates I don't dwell on it.
GemmaUK Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 This hasn't ever happened to me (yet). It's part of why I don't throw myself into the dating pool very often as the period of actually getting to know someone seems to be rushed and pressurised. I think somehow I manage to pick people that have an all or nothing approach (not a disappearing act - more the 'having the talk' I guess but for me it seems to come around way too soon when I've only known someone a week or two) to relationships whereas I prefer to let things progress naturally while enjoying time spent with someone. How I change my picker from the all or nothings though...I don't know!
Diezel Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 Social media/Internet/Texting has greatly changed the dynamic for dating. Now, it's so much easier to find someone else to move onto that it is just absolutely "normal" to fade on out. It's a terrible practice, but with each year, it's the norm now. You'd think the ease with which we can communicate with each other, would help prevent these situations... when in fact, it's the catalyst. I've experienced it AND have done it. I'll admit it. Not everyone can deal with a rejection call/text. Technology just has been added onto the tagline: Ignore them and they'll eventually go away.
longjohn Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 I've not had any fade on me at least not after meeting them. Had plenty fade during chats using OLD. I've had one tell an outright lie to cancel a date and I never seen her after that. I had one become extremely clingy after the first date and I told her to slow down a few times and she didn't listen. Had another blowup at me one time during dinner.. I mean she went nuts. I promptly left and refused any further contact with her. I was tempted though, she was really nice looking but I can't fix crazy!
Zippy2000 Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 To be honest. I ve done the fade myself. For whatever reason but for me the most common one was I didnt fancy them. I dont do the slow fade now. I used to when I was younger because I never knew how to reject someone. I know now with experience because if you dont given them closure they keep on coming back at you. I had one girl chase after me for 2 weeks to get an answer but the more she chased me the more walked the other way. I found her behaviour most unattractive. The number one reason why I didnt continue things and started to do the fade is because the more I got to know them the more I didnt like them or certain behaviours of theirs put me off. The second is I just didnt feel it along the way and had no idea where we were going. There could be hundreds of reasons why people dont continue in a relationship but I believe the main one is to do with its just dating. They more they find out about you or what they dont like or sometimes once youve had sex and gave the goods. Rather than disappearing altogether. Sometimes its better to fade away than burn out. 1
Standard-Fare Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 The "fadeout" is beyond rude if it's been more than one or two dates. But it does happen. I think when you're the victim of it, you have to just leave it alone and walk away to retain your dignity. Assuming it's a pretty casual dating situation. If you've been seriously dating the person and it's been a few months or more, you have a right to call them out on it and demand a conversation/closure. That's not acceptable behavior. 1
PegNosePete Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 If you've been seriously dating the person and it's been a few months or more, you have a right to call them out on it and demand a conversation/closure. That's not acceptable behavior. And they have a right to hang up on you. You can demand whatever you like but they are not obligated to give you anything. You can't force someone to speak if they do not want to. Just because you find it unacceptable does not mean they share your moral values. However their refusal or unwillingness to communicate should give you all the "closure" you need.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Anymore, it seems the disappearing act is so commonplace when it comes to dating. You hit it off, things are going great then they disappear as fast as they came. Just curious how many people this actually happens to? And did the person reappear? Did you get closure? Interested to see other people's stories. Well, I admit... I did one once. Why??? Well it was because I felt too much for the person I had hit it off with. They were still married and she was waiting for his release from prison. No I did not fear for my life. LOL! Just could not get it out of my mind that she was married. I loved the southern girl in her and she had the looks head to toe of Karen Allen (Animal House). Gawd she was my first semi crush. Only if she was not married, I would have gone head over heals. Not for her looks alone, but she was just so unique in personality and was a very caring person. We met long after my sudden departure... she was a mess in every way and I felt so deeply sorry for her. So bad I was kicking myself for leaving in hopes things would turn around for her and her husband. If I only knew, I would have stayed and been there for her. It has been a long time since then, and haunts me to this day. I know there are many variables to what happened, odds are 1 in a 100000 that I could have changed her life. Just at the time, her love for her husband and my lack of stability weighed against me, and our attraction was too distracting to properly be of any help from me.
Standard-Fare Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 And they have a right to hang up on you. You can demand whatever you like but they are not obligated to give you anything. You can't force someone to speak if they do not want to. Just because you find it unacceptable does not mean they share your moral values. However their refusal or unwillingness to communicate should give you all the "closure" you need. Yep, very true. But I'm saying, if someone pulls this on you in a serious relationship, you have the right to call them a cowardly sh*thead. The more cowardly that sh*thead is, the less chance you have of a response.
BluEyeL Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I had that happen to me once after 2 dates, but I knew the deal and it didn't phase me at all. I went out with the guy because he was very cute, but I knew he wasn't looking for anything serious, and knew it was going to be a 1 or 2 dates thing where I would not sleep with him and he'll stop contacting me. In fact, I just saw him this morning at the post office and he pretended he didn't know me. Still darn cute though. I did the fade myself after 1st dates when I wasn't attracted to the guy. i just didn't respond to their further contact.
bene Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 After one date I wouldn't even consider it a disappearing act, this is the time to bow out without further explanations. Maybe the other person didn't feel the spark either, so offering some explanation why you're not interested could be even uncalled for. If the date felt really great then it hurts how could we see the same situation so differently. I have also realized that the perceived "great connection" on a date can simply mean that the person has decent social skills and can carry a conversation. I have also realized that while a disappearing act seems to be some active behaviour towards me, it is actually not some concrete act. Rather the other person does not feel the need to contact me anymore, it's not like they consciously decide to perform an act. It stings though and makes me question my self-worth if it happens after a great date or even worse, months of dating. Both have happened and left me puzzled. Regarding closure I have recognised that by wanting closure I actually rather want an alternative explanation that everything is actually great and there has been some horrible misunderstanding.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Been fader and fadee enough times to take it as nothing more than "not interested". There doesn't need to be a "why". Often times it's as simple as "not attracted to you". In fact, that's all it ever is for. Either she's not into me or I'm not into her or both. Just what that missing element of attraction was doesn't really matter. Not worth the analysis. If anything it just brings up insecurities. And it's certainly not worth telling her that directly. What's the point? As much as someone demands to hear the truth, they're often ill-prepared for it. Those who are secure with themselves - know themselves confidently - don't need to know. They can accept that not everyone is going to find them attractive. Keep in mind that "hitting it off great" doesn't spell chemistry. I've been very animated, engaging and passionate on dates because of how I am at the time, not because I'm romantically interested. I'm not "hinting at something more" or displaying my overwhelming attraction - I'm just feeling very comfortable being myself around her. If I'm sexually interested I make it clear to her. Anything past a few dates becomes more of a conversation on expectations. What do we each want from this burgeoning relationship? From there it's either an amicable parting or continuation with a good grasp on what each partner wants. 1
PinkCarnations Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) Welcome to my life. This started happening to me ever since I began online dating.. Probably because you're meeting people you have no mutual friends with, making it easier for them to never talk to you again without repercussions. This happened to me even with a guy I felt I was hitting it off with. Made out with me one night then stopped responding to my texts the next day. I have a few theories about why he disappeared on me but it doesn't matter. I wished him happy birthday on Facebook a few months later (yes, a sad attempt at getting his attention), but he ignored it. Then randomly a few months after that, he texted me out of the blue, saying he hoped I was doing well with a smiley face. I asked how he was, but he didn't respond. yep, he disappeared on me ONCE AGAIN. Now, the only contact I have with him is when he occasionally likes my post on Facebook.. Yeah I never got closure, but I'm slowly getting over it. It's just tough because I was really attracted to him, and there hasn't been many guys on the dating site that compares.. Another incident.. I was chatting back and forth with a guy online for a good month or so. He messaged me first, but for some reason I noticed the conversation was very one-sided. I always asked questions, and he merely answered. In the last message I sent him, I shared about this cool volunteer thing I'm doing - helping veterans with legal stuff. I told him about it since he's in the military. His response was "that's cool" - not even a period to end his statement. Ugh, needless to say, I won't be talking to him anymore. Edited September 2, 2014 by PinkCarnations
Supernatural Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 Early twenties girls love doing the fade. It's like they have two rules... Before date - Play hard to get. After date - Fade to black. a couple months later they usually reappear. Or if I see them again, they look really interested. Something happens in their mind after a date that things they should sabotage things. Older women never fade or burn the new friendship to the ground. I suppose the difference is brains. Young women are really fickle. You show interest... faded. You don't act interested.. They become interested. You reciprocate her interest...Fade. You make it extremely hard to hangout with them, they love you. Talk to other women, and they know it, they will do anything for you; treat them like they aren't valuable, they will do anything to spend time with you. I hate the statement I just wrote. And it's made dating in my early twenties hell. It's shown me to give less of a fvvk, and pursue my life's desire. Often times, dating just ins't worth your energy. Not to say you shouldn't do it or care, or be genuine... But, I think to just not worry if things will workout... Very seldom they do. I won't give a woman my power ever again. I will always do my best to be myself though. Any person who fades... To me... Lacks integrity, because I would never leave someone hanging who showed they had interest in me. Only weaklings run away when they really can't fight or can't muster the words. 4
HappyLove Posted September 2, 2014 Posted September 2, 2014 I've had it happen and only with OLDing. I love how people justify it by acting like others can't handle the reasons why! When the other person isn't even looking for the reason WHY. They just want a simple "I don't think we're a match" text and they can get on to the next one. These cowards who do this LOVE that you're calling and texting them. In their sick brains you're chasing them, when really you're wondering if they got into an accident or made it home safe since last you saw them. People are so sick these days. Yes, they have come back pathetically later on with stupid excuses. Or tried to get my attention by sending a wink. The last one kept calling every month like he did nothing wrong. I would NEVER give them the satisfaction of a response after what they pulled. Just like Super said men are the same way, I'm talking 35-40 year old men. You act interested they get a big head and pull stunts like this. As soon as you ignore them they come back wanting your attention again. 2
Zippy2000 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Well, one fade out I had was I went on an OLD and met this girl. The date went ok, but she was drunk towards the end of the night and somehow she managed to force a smooch on me. After the date we text and emailed each other and I asked for a second date. Thats when the slow fade started. You just know because the texts become longer over time. The emails dry up. I think its the way with OLD. I have roughly 4 girls do that to me and over time I learned its just how some people are. They dont want to hurt you and instead of saying "Youe not what I m looking for" they think its acceptable to fade out. In the beginning it did hurt because you liked them and you didnt know if you could move on or date but I guess the cue to say they werent interested was because you could see they had logged back into the dating site! 1
LuvsTrucks2 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I'm in my 40's and date men from 40 and up, it happens all the time, especially with OLD. I would say more than half always try to re-connect with me. I don't like to be somebody's back-up plan or second choice, so they get shot down.
HappyLove Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 Well, one fade out I had was I went on an OLD and met this girl. The date went ok, but she was drunk towards the end of the night and somehow she managed to force a smooch on me. After the date we text and emailed each other and I asked for a second date. Thats when the slow fade started. You just know because the texts become longer over time. The emails dry up. I think its the way with OLD. I have roughly 4 girls do that to me and over time I learned its just how some people are. They dont want to hurt you and instead of saying "Youe not what I m looking for" they think its acceptable to fade out. In the beginning it did hurt because you liked them and you didnt know if you could move on or date but I guess the cue to say they werent interested was because you could see they had logged back into the dating site! Yes! You're wondering if they are ok then you log back into the site and there they are "currently online". OLDing is such a waste of time!
Zippy2000 Posted September 3, 2014 Posted September 3, 2014 I'm in my 40's and date men from 40 and up, it happens all the time, especially with OLD. I would say more than half always try to re-connect with me. I don't like to be somebody's back-up plan or second choice, so they get shot down. Thanks for the input LuvsTrucks. However none of my slow fades ever came back. I think when I done the slow fade one time I didnt initially feel it with her but after a month I reconsidered, and she never replied. I guess I had my shot. Im jasking if their are more people out there who have had the slow fade and what their stories are.
LuvsTrucks2 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I believe that there are so many options available to singles now with on line dating and meet up groups, everyone has GIGS, by the time they realize their prime catch isn't at all what they wanted, or better yet, what was projected, they try to come back. There's only been one instance where I was left scratching my head as to why the fade/poof and this guy still texts me quite frequently, I think he has remorse but doesn't know how to say it and I'm not going to make is easy for him. I would see him again because I did enjoy his company, but he has to own up to what he did was wrong, we were seeing each for a period of 6 months.
OwMyEyeball Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 I've had it happen and only with OLDing. I love how people justify it by acting like others can't handle the reasons why! When the other person isn't even looking for the reason WHY. They just want a simple "I don't think we're a match" text and they can get on to the next one. That's a good point. I got faded on enough times myself that I felt it made more sense to just adapt to the circumstances. But I should be more considerate in the future and have the courtesy to tell them how I feel. This whole discussion is pounding some of the final nails in the coffin of OLD for me. I can understand how so many people get fed up with the entire process. There really is a kind of "kid in the candy store" mentality that I've been guilty of as much as any other guy or gal. The natural response is participants (OLDers?) become more guarded. So what do the eager seekers do? Move on to the next person hoping they're less guarded. When it happens to them, their guard goes up. Trust in the opposite sex dies by a thousand cuts. It's not that anyone is being outright bad, but more that the system is reshaping how we see and seek relationships. I like what Supernatural said. Follow your life's ambitions and live life for you. That's how I met my ex and a lot of other promising opportunities.
Zippy2000 Posted September 4, 2014 Posted September 4, 2014 This is why I m now on Loveshack. To give my voice my experience, and my mistakes so people can learn from them and have a better experience. In the early days of OLD I never used to get messages at all. Now that I am 40 I get none now because my dating pool is somewhat smaller. There are now lots of articles on the net. Just in "Dating slow fade", into said search engine and you`ll find them all. Generally the fade is bad mannered and shouldnt be welcomed. The dating sites should also warn people of this. Another girl I had the slow fade was after the 3rd date when I pretty much grabbed and kissed her and got her into a taxi. Texted her the next day and nothing. Not a peep. Facebooked her and not a scooby but I know she got my message as shes been online and changed her profile picture. Another girl I met was from Match. She then said her subscription was about to end and when her profile went and got deleted. I found her on FB, and we started small talk. Asked her for a date about 3 times and she always made excuses and then the slow fade started. lol Im beginning to think if you show you`re too keen after an initial date thats when it starts. Im thinking in future if I like her just be ambivalent and casual about it. The last 2 OLDates I had when I wasnt interested they always started contacting me more.
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