I convinced him to stay now I feel insecure and sad

[robertasmith]

Hi everyone:

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now. Context: it hasn't been easy, he's very insecure and I have this constant habit of saying I want to break up (I guess we both are). I've done this in every relationship I've had and I'm seriously trying to change it, I know it's really hurtful. I never end up doing it, but he does, he kinda finishes what I start. The thing is, we both had started working on the relationship when we realized we were probably running away out of fear. It started to get better, but we still had some fights these last 3 days.

Since we've fought recently, it just doesn't run smoothly, I'm sad I guess, so yesterday when we were in his car, I was quiet and a little bit thoughtful.He asked me to stay with him because he was sick, I had a cold last week so I said maybe I should stay at home this time (I always stay at his place, this option was pretty rare). But he felt it was selfish, he said we were expecting different things out of the relationship (I thought we would've understood that I also needed to take care not to get sick again), and he said everything felt awkward, that I was too quiet, and without asking anything about it he tried to break up. I say "tried" because I didn't let him. I convinced him not to and I went home with him. Obviously I know this was somewhat unwise. Now I feel stupid and everything seems so unbalanced, I feel he's much less flexible now than he was before, snaps out easily, everything frustrates him, etc. He sees I'm sad and instead of asking or taking it as something we can share because we are both kind of bruised he has no tolerance, it might be a bad moment or him just being unfair and manipulative. This sucks for me because it was only 3 days ago that we were loving each other, having fun, being able to talk directly with no games and finally distancing ourselves from the first months of our relationship.

 

This morning he apologized, saying he was tired, frustrated, that he feels like we get stuck in the same dynamics, and said we should try it out anyways, with a very very tired look on his face. In the shower he said "Man if you weren't so pretty I don't think we'd still be together now". Ouch. He apologized said he was joking (what a joke huh?). He said he loved me and I still feel some of that love in him, but his joke... I see he's so tired and frankly that inhibits me, it just blocks me. However, I do love him, I want it to work, but now I feel like I forced things... I feel horrible and scared of him wanting to leave if I'm sad or quiet or whatever. And I find it unfair, but I also want to be with him. I just don't know how to be kind and regain some respect without becoming doormat (if it hasn't happened already). Any advice for me?

 

Thanks!

Edited July 25, 2014 by robertasmith

[Scrab22]

You both are attempting on giving chances to the relationships, to which case I salute!

However, look into what makes the relationship as you describe "fun". Is it teasing? Is it mostly sexual? Is it intimacy? Is it supporting each other?

Since when I hear about him making that "joke", it's insulting and nothing to joke about, especially when things need to heal between you.

 

Perhaps we should start with what happens in the good moments, as I asked.

Such sarcastic jokes are horrible for a relationship under healing attempts.