R80 Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 This is my first time posting here, i just wanted to get some perspectives on my situation. My girlfriend and i broke up a few months ago. She ended it with me and told me it was because i was verbally and emotionally abusing her..but how can a person define what abuse realy is? She had told me many times during the relationship that the way i treated her when i got angry would upset her. I admit i have a temper and would do things that i would later regret, but i never thought they were bad enough for her to walk out on me for it. I admit i called her names and made threats and other things, but i would always apologise later. I always tried to give her everything she wanted, took her out and was a gentleman in that respect..i tried to make up for the bad things i would do. I feel my anger was justified, she would do things to upset me. Like one time she said she was going to come over and hang out with me but then told me she couldnt make it. I thought it was fair enough i be disappointed and upset, i mean she promised she would come over, so i got angry at her and she got really upset at my reaction. I am wondering if maybe she broke up with me for other reasons, i mean- arent i entitled to my anger? It seems like a stupid reason to break it off with someone. I dont think i did anything other than express my anger. I feel like if she really loved me she would have stuck by me and worked through our issues. I thought maybe she was just looking for an easy way out and blamed it on my anger. I am just trying to figure it out, because she does not want anything to do with me at all, she stopped replying to my messages and would not answer the phone and told me to stay away from her. I just wana figure out why it ended, and i cant get answers from her because like i said she wont talk to me at all.
_Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 i guess the one question that everyone will ask is this....... how did you express your anger? its fair to tell her that you are upset that she didnt come over, and that maybe she should be more considerate..........its not right to yell, call names, throw things, hit her..........etc.........i would have left too if a guy was constantly yelling at me.......oh wait, i did !
ntovrhm Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I admit i have a temper and would do things that i would later regret, but i never thought they were bad enough for her to walk out on me for it. I admit i called her names and made threats and other things, but i would always apologize later. Calling names is abusive, making threats (bodily harm against her) is abusive. That you apologize later does not make up for the fact that you shouldn't have done those things in the first place. And this doesn't sound like a one-time, out-of-the-ordinary thing with you. She was right, you were wrong. I hope you get some help working out your issues. . . . Edited to add: Woman can feel very vulnerable, and if they can't trust the man they are with to keep it cool, and not hurt or scare them, then they tend to flee, at least I would. safety mechanism . . . .
EC Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 It depends how you showed your anger and what what you were getting angry about. If you were constantly yelling at her for things which she mioght have felt she didn't need to get yelled at then that would be problem. Also if everytime you had a problem or argument and all you did was close up or yell at her that gets fustrating. But I mean You woul have to explain futher how you acted with her because I am just assuming here.
debs Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Belittling is belittling in any relationship! That is deemed emotional and mentally abusive tendencies! Learn to fight fair! Name calling just begats resentment! People grow tired of being belittled by someone they are involved with! Anger is something most of us control! Could it be you looked and acted like a mad man when these episodes happened? You should look at it from her prespective, you fly off the handle and belittle her! So much for her self esteem! HUH! Cancelling coming over in my book never warrants anger? WTF! You are disappointed but shear anger? No I would walk and never look back! Sounds to me you need anger managment! Look into yourself and you may find your not handling anger appropriatley!
FireCat Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by R80 ..... I admit i have a temper and would do things that i would later regret, but i never thought they were bad enough for her to walk out on me for it. I admit i called her names and made threats and other things, but i would always apologise later. .... I left a man for that exact same reason. He'd lose his temper and say things that he'd later apologize for - called me names, threatened...you sure you're not my ex? And then there were other times, he was wonderful. What you stated that you did above is called emotional and mental abuse. One blow-up and apology and never repeating the same thing - ok...we're all human. Multiple blowups with multiple threats, name calling, etc. is someone who needs serious help - i.e. counseling. You were wrong in what you did, and I hope for your sake and the next woman that comes along's sake, you get help for your temper and abusive pattern.
Craig Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 You were abusive to your ex. Name calling, threatening ("and other things") are all contained in the definition of abuse. Justifying your abuse by blaming your ex is a classic symptom of abusive relationships. You went through the whole abuse cycle with her - You get angry and abusive, try to make it up to her, then for a while go back to a "normal" way of acting with her and then the cycle starts again. After a while she may have felt like she was walking on egg shells when she was around you. Sir, you have an anger problem, you are abusive and your ex was smart to leave you. The fact that you are posting here means that you could be open to looking at yourself honestly. Do some web searches on "abusive relationships" and "domestic violence" and start learning. Expressing anger is something that is, I think, considered healthy. BUT when you express your anger in a way that VIOLATES the well being of another person you are engaging in VIOLENCE. There are ways to express your anger in a HEALTHY way that do not result in the abuse of another person. Please do a web search on "anger management" and find an anger management course to take. Your ex has made it clear to you that she does not want any further contact with you and has told you to stay away from her. Those words are often used just before the police come and arrest you for stalking and/or harrassment. Consider yourself lucky that your ex only left you. If you ex had posted here before I would have strongly encouraged her to call the police on you for making threats against her and/or stalking/harrassing her. If the police did become involved you probably would have been given at the very least court mandated anger management counselling and probation. In any case you would have an arrest record and a criminal record. Enlightenment sucks doesn't it?
FolderWife Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I admit i called her names and made threats and other things, but i would always apologise later....I feel my anger was justified, she would do things to upset me. Get help. You NEVER have the right to call someone names. Anger is not an emotion that people should feel. Anger is born of fear, sadness, or disappointment. It doesn't stand alone. Yes, you can be disappointed that the girl you love can't hang out with you when she said she would, BUT YOU DONT' HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!!! Well, my husband makes sense now. "You made me angry...you instigated..." Pft, whatever. Example: I told him yesterday that I was going to stop at the grocery store and get me a TV dinner for dinner, and asked if he wanted something. He wanted chicken wings from Dominoes, and two cheap pizzas. Whenever he's said "two cheap pizzas" in the past, he was referring to those cheap pizzas in the freezer section of the grocery store. So I got him chicken wings from Dominoes, and picked him up some cheap pizzas when I got my TV dinner. I got home, and he said, "What did you do!?" I said, "What?" He said, "Didn't you go to Little Ceasars?" I said, "No...I went to Dominoes..." He said, "I wanted to ready made pizzas from Little Ceasars!!!" I said, "Oh..." He said, "I DON'T WANT TO COOK!" and stormed off upstairs. he had NO RIGHT to get angry at me. He wanted me to go to TWO DIFFERENT PLACES to get him a meal If anyone should be upset, IT'S ME that he's expect me to leave work, and go all over the world to get him dinner AND HE GOT MAD AT ME FOR MISUNDERSTANDING!!! so to R80...if this sounds like the way YOU would react to an honest misunderstanding..then there is somethign wrong with you, and you're girlfriend is a smarter woman than I am, because she got the heck out You need help. Get it now, before you make some other woman miserable.
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