Ex has commitment issues or depression? Blindsided me

[Cmac]

Hey guys. I need some advice (obviously). This is my second time here, devastated over a breka up. The first time was around 2 and a half years ago. I finally got over that and have seen a few girls since. The most recent girl I was with is the most amazing girl I've ever met in my life. So fun, caring, thoughtful and affectionate. I was truly in love with her and would've done anything to see her smile.

 

Problem is, she is only all of the above things 80% of the time, mental health issues run in her family and her sister has bipolar disorder. I think she might too. As i said, most of the time she was incredible, but sometimes she would just become so depressed for no apparent reason, she'd want to sleep constantly, she'd lose interest in everything including me, and basically push me away.

 

The last couple of weeks she was going through one of those spells again. I think it's linked to a job she's been working recently. She works seasonally at a child care place during Easter and Summer vacation and it stresses her out a lot, she really doesn't seem to enjoy it. Back at Easter she had another down period when she was working there, she broke up with me, and immediately called me back half an hour later again saying she had made a mistake. Once she left there things got better again, we were really happy, and after a few weeks she started telling me she loved me (which she had never done up until that point). Literally the week she started back there this Summer, her mood and behaviour changed again and the problems have started again.

 

It all came to a head last weekend, she cancelled plans with me on Friday night after I hadn't seen her for close to a week. I got pretty angry and was off with her on the Saturday morning. She then spent the entire day apologising for the fact she had been so distant and neglectful recently, and constantly reassured me telling me how sorry she was she made me upset, how much she loves me and how she was going to make it up to me. The rest of Saturday was excellent, we got on so well, she made me a nice meal etc. She extended her overdraft so we could go on holiday together in September. On Sunday we went and bought 2 guinea pigs together, I was feeling a lot more comfortable with us again, the holiday and the guinea pigs made me feel like she was really committing to us and our future. Nope. Literally 7 hours after we bought the guinea pigs together, she broke up with me. Totally blindsided me after everything that had happened that weekend. She said she didnt want to break up but doesnt know what else to do. she said she has commitment issues. she told me i'm the best person she's ever been with in her life and as i was leaving the flat she told me it wasnt necessarily as final or extreme as i was making it up to be in my head. when i asked what she meant by this she simply replied "i don't know what i mean" i asked if she meant in terms of a relationship or as friends. She said she didnt know and that we just need some time and space and can talk again in a week or 2. She told me she hates the thought of this being final but at the same time she doesn't wanna give me false hope. I really feel like she has no idea what she wants.

 

I really feel like this job is triggering whatever mental issues she may have. She's undiagnosed, but she has a history of self harming and as I said, mental health issues run in the family. 3 weeks from now she finishes this job for good. I feel like once that factor is eliminated maybe her mood and feelings towards us as a couple will improve. I guess what I want to know is, should i go NC and just treat this as a permanent thing? Should I give her space for a week or 2 and get back to her? Should I wait til she's finished this job and get back to her? Or wait for her to get back to me. The problem is she knows I like to go NC after a breakup so she told me she wouldnt message me. She told me that doesnt mean she doesnt wanna talk to me and that she'd be waiting and hoping for me to text her. I honestly don't really have any idea what to do. I don't wanna lose her, but part of me feels like I already have.

 

I know this is a long read, but I'd really appreciate some advice, this place helped me a lot the last time I was here. Thanks in advance.

[Downtown]

Problem is, she is only all of the above things 80% of the time, mental health issues run in her family and her sister has bipolar disorder. I think she might too.

Welcome back to LoveShack, Cmac. Perhaps your Gf does have bipolar. However, the sudden event-triggered mood flips you describe are more characteristic of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that, if you ever feel tempted to reunite with this young woman, you see a good psychologist for a visit or two to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read my list of differences between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW). That list comparing the warning signs for these two disorders is in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you, Cmac.

 

She has a history of self harming and as I said, mental health issues run in the family.

What type of self harming? Does she do arm cutting or other forms of self mutilation? I ask because such self harming behavior is strongly associated with BPD.

[Sunberry]

I highly suggest her to go to a therapist and be evaluated for it. With BPD (depending if you're type 1 or 2) you can be on either side of the spectrum in terms of emotions ad decisions as opposed to being properly in the middle and thinking things properly through. If she has BPD she can be medicated and taken to counseling in order to help her deal with these issues.

 

Now just in case she doesn't have it even after being diagnosedm etc. Then after the couple weeks you should discuss what's been going on with her--what's going through her mind, etc.

 

Though, with all these thoughts running through her head, constant fickle deciisons, she may feel she needs time apart in order to figure out what's going on in her head, though i what you posted she's been rather fickle.

 

I applaud you for having patience with her especially since she may have a mental disorder this shows that you actually care.

[Cmac]

Welcome back to LoveShack, Cmac. Perhaps your Gf does have bipolar. However, the sudden event-triggered mood flips you describe are more characteristic of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that, if you ever feel tempted to reunite with this young woman, you see a good psychologist for a visit or two to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read my list of differences between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and those of BPDers (e.g., my exW). That list comparing the warning signs for these two disorders is in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you, Cmac.

 

What type of self harming? Does she do arm cutting or other forms of self mutilation? I ask because such self harming behavior is strongly associated with BPD.

 

Yeah she cuts her arms, legs and stomach. I've been doing a bit of reading about borderline personality disorder since you posted this, and it seems like it could be that. I read that around 60-70% attempt suicide at some point in their lives. She tried to OD on pills when she was a teenager. She had a pretty traumatic childhood and there definitely seems to have been some sort of abuse, whether it be physical, emotional or sexual I don't know. She wouldn't ever go into detail with me other than to tell me her childhood was "pretty messed up". I'm just wondering if that has something to do with why she has pushed me away and ended things with me. If it is Bipolar or BPD, would her mind change when she returns to her normal self? Or would that have already happened by now? I'd really be interested in talking to you about this in order to gain a deeper understanding. Even if it's over with her a big part of me still wants to try and help her with this and give her the encouragement she needs to get it looked into. I still really care about and want to help her, despite the fact she's crushed me..

[travelbug1996]

How long have you been with her? Are you two exclusively dating? I ask this because if there are any gray areas in terms of how committed you are to her that could cause her to be fickle as well.

[Downtown]

Yeah she cuts her arms, legs and stomach.

Cmac, self harm like cutting is so strongly associated with BPD that it is one of the defining symptoms for BPD, i.e., is one of the nine behavioral traits used in diagnosing it. Many studies have found a very strong association between cutting and BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, concludes:

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See

Journal of Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv

.

She had a pretty traumatic childhood and there definitely seems to have been some sort of abuse... her childhood was "pretty messed up."

A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008 ) found that 70% of BPDers report they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. It is believed that this type of trauma (together with a genetic predisposition) causes the BPDer's emotional development to freeze in early childhood -- leaving her with the emotional development of a four year old unless she spends years in therapy to acquire skills of emotion regulation.

 

I'm just wondering if that has something to do with why she has pushed me away and ended things with me.

Perhaps so. It is much more characteristic of BPDers, however, to repeat a cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back many times before finally ending the relationship. BPDer relationships typically go through 3 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. Indeed, a fourth of them go through 10 or more such cycles before ending. The reason for the cycle has to do with the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. I discuss this in more detail at the link I provide below for my post in Maybe's thread.

 

If it is Bipolar or BPD, would her mind change when she returns to her normal self? Or would that have already happened by now?

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), what you are seeing IS HER NORMAL SELF. The behavior seems strange because you are seeing how a person behaves when doing "splitting" whenever she gets stressed or is fearful. That too, is discussed at my post in Maybe's thread.

 

I've been doing a bit of reading about borderline personality disorder since you posted this, and it seems like it could be that.

I therefore suggest you look at my list of major red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of BPD warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. I would be glad to discuss them with you.

[Cmac]

My ex still owes me some money which she said she would pay me last weekend, and then again this weekend. She still hasn't sent me the money. Do I chase her up for this? It's only £50 so I don't really care all that much about the amount. It's more the principle. I feel like she's being pretty disrespectful by not giving me what's owed to me. Duno if its worth breaking NC or not though..