_Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 i dont know what to do any more..... i have a friend, known him ages, and now we are in a kind of situation...... we talk every night, we have all the same interests, we text most of the day, he knows all about me and i know all about him, we ALWAYS know where the other is, what they are doing. we know that one of us will call nearly every night at 9. he talks about things that he wants to do......biking in the summer, hiking together, camping, he has a camp weekend with a group hes part of...he asked me and the kids to go.....but all this stuff just isnt now, the camp weekend in in august, and there are no definite arrangements for the other stuff. i am completely in love with him, have been for a long time, i managed to get rid of it for a while, got involved with someone else, but now hes back, the feelings are back too. he was complaining about how much work he has on right now....he said "i suppose i should be glad that im wanted"......to which i replied "yes that must be a good feeling"........his reply was "i want you, i love talking to you".......he tells me that he doesnt wanna lose me, that he hates it when we dont talk, but wont take this any further. i feel like i have to walk away from this, if he follows then good, if not then i lose my best friend. i want him so badly, we have so much in common, but this friendship isnt enough i have tried so hard to control my feelings but i cant do it. what can i do?
Devildog Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Does he specifically state he doesn't want a relationship right now? Does he think you are "unofficially" in a relationship? Sounds like you two are dating, just haven't made it official.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Poor Saffy. I feel for you sweetie! That sounds like a "no" to anything more than friends. Do you know what the dealbreaker is? Is it something permanent and fixed? If - as seems likely - you're stuck with the no, then do you want to keep the friendship all the same?
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 he doesnt say anything about relationships......i have suggested coffee, movies, sheesh i even offered him a weekend of passion once, and he just says "oh that would be fun" or something similar but nothing ever comes of it he knows that we have something special but just seems to want to keep things exactly as they are. which means we never see each other.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Poor Saffy. I feel for you sweetie! That sounds like a "no" to anything more than friends. Do you know what the dealbreaker is? Is it something permanent and fixed? If - as seems likely - you're stuck with the no, then do you want to keep the friendship all the same? i cant, i have tried to put my feelings to one side and just be friends.....and keep things exactly as they are now....but i just cant do it. if i try to walk away, cool things off, he chases. he will call or text more, he will become more flirty than he is now. not long ago we had a conversation.....he said that i will think of him as a brother in a couple more months.......i told him that i dont ever want that to happen, and he said "neither do i, i shall make sure i flirt more so that it doesnt"
sami Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 You both need to be honest and open about what you really want out of this. Relationships were not meant to hurt or torture any party. Either you both get what you want or you walk away and forget. What you are doing to yourself is nothing less than tantalization. You cannot develop and maintain a serious and mature love relationship just by" flirting". Wish you the best.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by sami You both need to be honest and open about what you really want out of this. Relationships were not meant to hurt or torture any party. Either you both get what you want or you walk away and forget. What you are doing to yourself is nothing less than tantalization. You cannot develop and maintain a serious and mature love relationship just by" flirting". Wish you the best. this is my best friend, its not going to be easy to just walk away and forget. thanks for your wishes.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ i cant, i have tried to put my feelings to one side and just be friends.....and keep things exactly as they are now....but i just cant do it. if i try to walk away, cool things off, he chases. he will call or text more, he will become more flirty than he is now. not long ago we had a conversation.....he said that i will think of him as a brother in a couple more months.......i told him that i dont ever want that to happen, and he said "neither do i, i shall make sure i flirt more so that it doesnt" Oh dear. I'm sorry to say that this sounds like classic commitmentphobia to me. The flirty thing is a particularly nasty touch since I'm guessing that by now he has no excuse for not knowing that this is hurting you. Is it possible to ask him to stop flirting? Or are you already thinking NC?
sami Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 This is the dilemma of trying to move your best friendship into something else. I guess you are not alone in this.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Oh dear. I'm sorry to say that this sounds like classic commitmentphobia to me. The flirty thing is a particularly nasty touch since I'm guessing that by now he has no excuse for not knowing that this is hurting you. Is it possible to ask him to stop flirting? Or are you already thinking NC? i dunno what to do.....i dont wanna lose him but i cant get my head round this....it sucks. i like the flirting, i like all aspects of things with him, its just not enough. he knows its hurting me and its killing him too, he knows how i feel, he wont tell me that he doesnt feel the same way, but he wont tell me that he does either. if i walk away from this, and go full NC, i lose the best friend i ever had.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ if i walk away from this, and go full NC, i lose the best friend i ever had. Is this the bit that's most important to you? Take it from me: a relationship commitmentphobe can still be a good friend. Depends though if your heart can take it. And if he can stop doing unhelpful things like the flirting.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 yeah of course that bit bothers me, i cant imagine a life without him in it.........but at the same time, i also dont want a life on my own with no one to share things with, hold me at night, make coffee for in the mornings.......you get the idea here right? i have all the emotional support/encouragement/compliments that i could possibly want from any guy, from my best friend, i dont need another guy for that. if i tell him that someone else is hitting on me or has asked me out.....he gets really jealous. he tells me that he doesnt wanna lose me. its obvious that we have more than just a friendship, but i want more from him than hes prepared to give.
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ its obvious that we have more than just a friendship, but i want more from him than hes prepared to give. More to the point, it sounds like he wants from you the best of both worlds - friendship and relationship. That's not fair. As a recovering commitmentphobe, I have to say I was good at being best friends with the girl I couldn't date, but I didn't get jealous of her dates, flirt with her or otherwise hurt her or block the runway to her happiness. Nor should he.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 i ask him sometimes if hes jealous.....he says "yeah but i know i dont have any right to be" we talk about this stuff......i tell him that if he wants me just as a friend he shouldnt be bothered if i date anyone else......he says he knows that but it doesnt stop it hurting. i would give my life for this guy, i couldnt date anyone else, it would be wrong........im not emotionally available to anyone except my best friend.
hotsexygal Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 "As a recovering commitmentphobe, I have to say I was good at being best friends with the girl I couldn't date, but I didn't get jealous of her dates, flirt with her or otherwise hurt her or block the runway to her happiness. Nor should he." How did you stop yourself from getting jelous if she dated someone else? Was there anything that girl coudl have done to make you care/or get you out of your commitment phobe ways... the guy kinda sorta dating is commitment phobe. Is it a lost cause?? Pls do elaborate romeo. ADvice on how to deal with that type woudl be great....does NC work?
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ i would give my life for this guy, i couldnt date anyone else, it would be wrong........im not emotionally available to anyone except my best friend. The question then becomes "are you willing to settle for the consolation prize - only having a friend, not a boyfriend or husband?". I'm guessing not. Sweetie, you have got to move on. What can you do?
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 consolation prize sounds so pants! but you are right, i cant settle for that. but on the other hand, i have never met a guy that i connect with so well, that makes me laugh so much, that shares so many interests with me. grrrrr its so not fair
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ but on the other hand, i have never met a guy that i connect with so well, that makes me laugh so much, that shares so many interests with me. grrrrr its so not fair I'm with you on this. I felt similarly cheated when ReluctantJuliette didn't want me
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 and thats the other thing........i may not meet a guy that i feel this way about ever again...........then what? i lost my best friend for the chance of happiness that may never ever even happen?
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by _Saffy_ and thats the other thing........i may not meet a guy that i feel this way about ever again...........then what? I think we will. And remember, their feelings for us count too and you're not getting it with this guy. i lost my best friend for the chance of happiness that may never ever even happen? Your best friend who flirts even though he knows it hurts you. And won't date you, but won't let someone else date you either... Some people see only the bad in others... I think that you, like me, have a tendency to overidealise. We need to practise bringing these relationships down to earth. One of the reasons he looks good is distance. What would you learn if you lived with him?
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 but i am getting his feelings D, he is very considerate, caring, complimenting..........he does everything i would want a guy to do......except erm physical stuff. anyway, ya right, if its not enough then its not enough. i guess if gotta let go, and if he misses me so much that he decides to take that magical step then great........if he doesnt, well, guess i gotta start talking to myself for 3-4 hours every night :(
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Aw, I'm sorry Saffy. Really sorry. Someone on another thread called this the long walk. When I was in this situation just over a month ago, I filled the time with friends or working on hobbies and projects (office and house have never been so tidy)... and by crying like a baby on a regular basis.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 i know. and i have a feeling this walk is gonna take a very very very long time.
SuperFantastico Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 It is possible to move on from a best friend that you are in love with. I'm in the process of it right now. Bottom line is you have to look out for your own well being and although this guy gives you some of what you need, he does it in a way that is ultimately unhealthy for you. Even knowing how you feel about him he still flirts with you which i know all too well it like sticking knives into your heart. So you either have to a) tell him to stop with the flirting. b) move on and he might smarten up. Thats pretty much your only choices. Fear is the biggest factor in all of this. You've found a guy who gives you almost all you need and are afraid to take the leap from your comfort zone to find someone who will give you all you need.....er thats a run on sentence good luck and its possible to move on to better things from wehre you are. It tough as hell but its possible.
Author _Saffy_ Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 i cant let anyone blame him for the flirting.........i like it......he knows i like it. he has asked me if i want him to stop....i said no! simply because i go through phases....sometimes im happy for us to be this way, other times i hate it and want more.......thats where i am now. when things are ok between us (read: when im not in this "i want more" mood) then flirting between us is naturally the way we are. he isnt being mean to me by flirting.
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