Confusion over future of relationship

[rhubarb]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, also 22 years old, for nearly 3 years, (except for a break in the middle which I will talk about later). He is a great person in many ways, I love him, and we have a respectful and comfortable relationship, though he does get on my nerves from time to time, which I'm sure is normal! However, I am finding myself questioning whether I want to be with him long-term, as quite frankly, the thought scares me.

 

 

Over the last couple of months, I have been growing increasingly restless. I am worried about life "passing me by". I realise that being in a relationship by no means prevents taking up new activities and travelling, but I am aware that spending long periods of time apart will put a significant strain on the relationship. We generally agree on our values and morals, and he is never rude or disrespectful; basically there is nothing 'wrong'. But sometimes I feel like the crucial element, whatever it is, is just not there.

 

 

We have had a bumpy ride. In 2012, my boyfriend broke up with me, which devastated me at the time. To my relief, we got back together about a month later. We also had a 'period of separation' last year, which lasted approximately 4 months. The reason for these times apart was basically that I was experiencing intermittent, severe clinical depression and my boyfriend really struggled with understanding and dealing with this, feeling like he couldn't help. I was hurt that he decided to leave but I don't blame him at all, realising I would have been difficult to deal with every day, especially as he had important exams coming up. Still, I worry sometimes that if I experience depression again in the future, a condition I seem to be prone to, he will leave me again. I think that I have developed better strategies of tackling it and when that doesn't work, better means of internalising it so it has less of an effect on others. But this can only work so well. I realise this break up - make up situation is all quite silly and damaging, you may judge it for yourself.

 

 

About 8 weeks in to that second break, when I was starting to feel better, I started to see someone I met online. He was a bit older, very attractive, more established and working in a big city, and yes, it was all very exciting. I felt really alive. Travelling to meet an old friend abroad also gave me the chance to meet some people. I loved that time and found my perspective on life broadening.

 

 

I'm not sure who initiated contact but I started to talk to my boyfriend again, little but often, and we gradually got back together. Whether for connection or comfort, I cannot be sure, but it felt good.

 

 

I would say I am career-focused, as is he. I intend to continue studying within science and to start a doctorate within the next 2-3 years if all goes well. All of this will be very time consuming and I have no idea where I would end up living. A further spanner in the works is that I'm moving 5 hours away from him to do a 1 year graduate course in a couple of months. He promised when I applied for this course that he would find work nearby but he has since decided to stay in our current location with his friends, doing his part time job for the time being. I would be lying if I said this hadn't caused some resentment on my part. My best friend’s opinion is that he cannot be committed to us if he doesn’ttry to find a way to live near me, whereas he says he doesn’t see the distance as a problem for us. Personally, I don’t know, though I can understand both perspectives.

 

 

My love for my boyfriend ebbs and flows, probably because of the past troubles. I do not love him as intensely as I once did, though I realise it is normal for feelings to evolve over time. We certainly irritate each other more than I would like, and I find it harder to connect with him. However, I am aware that I might be deliberately distancing myself to try to make my decision easier. As much as I feel I've learnt, I know I'm still naïve and certainly I'm slightly scared, wondering if we need time to grow by ourselves. I don't believe in 'the one', just in people who suit each other in personality and values at that point in their lives, and who are prepared to do all they can to make the other person feel loved and supported.

 

 

My question to you is actually what questions should I ask myself to decide whether it is the best choice for both of us for us to stay together? Would I later regret going? Have you ever faced this kind of confusion?

 

 

Also, you deserve a medal for reading this.

Edited July 24, 2014 by rhubarb
spacing wrong in places

[rhubarb]

Bump? Would love people's thoughts on this. Sorry it's quite long!

[Quiet Storm]

I think you already know you don't love him like you should.

 

You're young. But I'm not going to tell you that's why you should break up with him. l married at 18. The difference was that I was 100% sure that I wanted to be with him forever. I never had doubts. 20 years later, I feel the same way. It sounds like you are not in love with him and are just worried you won't find someone better.

 

We had ups and downs, issues with family, high school drama etc. He annoyed me sometimes. We would bicker and have little immature power plays. But I always knew he was the one. I never doubted us or entertained the idea of somebody else. You dont sound emotionally connected to him. With you moving, it would be a good time to go your separate ways.

 

Sorry did not mean to put that smiley with sunglasses up there and it won't let me edit it out!

 

 

 

If you break up, will you regret it? Possibly. We don't know what the future holds. But don't let fear of regret keep you there. It's not fair to him.

[Mr Scorpio]

1. Why do you believe that you don't love him as much as you used to?

 

2. What do you believe could restore the level of love you had for him, if anything?

 

3. How do you picture your life -- both with him and without him -- in 5, 10, 15 years?

 

4. What would you be willing to sacrifice to keep him?