tigerdog Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 A couple of weeks ago I had asked about a guy who was leading me on. Little did I know that the behaviors would go in this direction. We have known each other for 4 months and dated for almost 2 months. He ended it due to a lack of physical attraction and yes, we've been sexual several times when we were dating exclusively. A couple of weeks ago we went to a party together and he was pretty much alone with me for about 4 hours. We were having intense conversations and he kept commenting on how much fun we had. At the end I was drunk and he was 100% sober and took me home. During that time he said I was beautiful, told me how important I am to him, how I'm the only one who has helped him open up and who he can be around with, how I need to be patient with him. After that a couple of days later he sent me a text saying I mean a great deal to him and wanting to talk on the phone. The next day we spent 4 hours talking on the phone and he wanted to hear all about my childhood, all the things that have happened to me in my past, etc. He was even crying and telling me how amazing I was, and how he wanted me to trust him and how he knows that I don't trust him and feel like he doesn't care, but he really wants to be that person for me, and wants to show how much he cares about me and will be there for me always. We went to another event together with mutual friends a couple of days later. We met up beforehand, went to his place and had a great conversation for 2 hours, then we went to the club. Loads of people (including his friends) thought we were in a relationship and a few people asked me if I was his girlfriend. I was tired and wanted to leave the club, and he was having a great time dancing, but when he found out I was leaving, he said he wanted to go with me. I told him to stay, but he said no, he wanted to leave with me. After that, he asked if we could just walk around the city together (at this point it's 2am) since he could have went home. We are basically walking shoulder to shoulder, very slowly and it's clear he doesn't want to leave. I invite him to my place and we have a very deep and personal conversation, just about us, our lives, thoughts and feelings. After an hour or so of that, the more than friends conversation pops up. He basically tells me that his feelings haven't changed, but that he may one day love me, someday and he has no idea when that will happen. He says he agrees the mental / emotional attraction is perfect for him, that we are very compatible, that everything is very easy with me, he thinks I'm beautiful and that there is sexual / physical attraction but he wants more. We have an honest conversation about it, he tells me he has no idea how anything he did gave me mixed signals and how he was trying to protect my feelings, since he doesn't want me to fall in love with him, and then he gets emotional and starts getting teary-eyed. He talked about this with me till 6am and I had to basically push him out to get a cab home, while he basically said that we'll keep doing what we are doing and just see what happens. I don't know what to think of this. I've only known him for 4 months and he did tell me that he's been very confused and conflicted. I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship but the last 2 weeks have been very emotional and deep, things I only do with a boyfriend. He's not trying to sleep with me. There were 2 instances where that could have happened and it didn't. I don't know if I should be planning an exit strategy at this point, or giving it some distance and time to work itself out? Especially if he needs time? Thoughts? I feel like I'm going crazy trying to work this out on my own.
Assasda Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Sounds like he has weird emotional problems. Plan your exit strategy 2
Poppygoodwill Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I would guard your heart and proceed with extreme caution. The raw truth is that when there is chemistry between two people, then you can't really stop it from moving toward physical contact. Even if you're not rushign to bed, he will want to mess around. Despite our big brains, we are animals at the bottom of it all. So if i had to guess I would say that he really isn't attracted to you physically, but is confused because you're so obviously emotionally and mentally compatible. He's trying to overcome that natural block. It's possible to become attracted to someone, but it take time and effort. On the other hand, he might be a very very complicated emotional character, and what you're seeing now is a taste of what's to come...mixed messages, intensity, lack of clarity and sort of being lead around by his dominating emotional needs, rather than a more balance dand healthy relationship. All that said - genuine connections are rare in this world, and worth encouraging. but be careful lest he draw you in with the sense of promise, but fail to deliver. 1
Yookie Posted July 25, 2014 Posted July 25, 2014 He is not physically attracted to you... but you're perfect otherwise? Please do yourself a favor and run away fast... or get a gym membership or something... 1
Author tigerdog Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 I would guard your heart and proceed with extreme caution. The raw truth is that when there is chemistry between two people, then you can't really stop it from moving toward physical contact. Even if you're not rushign to bed, he will want to mess around. Despite our big brains, we are animals at the bottom of it all. So if i had to guess I would say that he really isn't attracted to you physically, but is confused because you're so obviously emotionally and mentally compatible. He's trying to overcome that natural block. It's possible to become attracted to someone, but it take time and effort. On the other hand, he might be a very very complicated emotional character, and what you're seeing now is a taste of what's to come...mixed messages, intensity, lack of clarity and sort of being lead around by his dominating emotional needs, rather than a more balance dand healthy relationship. All that said - genuine connections are rare in this world, and worth encouraging. but be careful lest he draw you in with the sense of promise, but fail to deliver. Thanks for saying this. I do have to agree. And this has been hard because we have a genuine connection, one that I've never experienced before. It's very difficult to let a connection go that feels very natural and right. It is possible he's trying to overcome the natural block. It's still difficult to relate on how someone can be sexual with someone, but not feel physically attracted to them, but I have read similar things on these forums from people about this phenomena so I understand it's very real. It also could be an emotional need thing, but it's hard to view him as an emotional vampire since he is very giving emotionally as well. It's certainly not balanced, but he is there for me when I request him to be. He wants to be open with me, but to be honest, he's more interested in listening to me about my life and my emotional issues than sharing his. Anyway, he wants to see me again tomorrow and it's another date-like activity. I'll go along but am basically trying my hardest to just view this as a platonic friendship and just that.
Author tigerdog Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 He is not physically attracted to you... but you're perfect otherwise? Please do yourself a favor and run away fast... or get a gym membership or something... Egh not worth getting a gym membership for. I don't think I'm THAT good looking, but I do think I'm a pretty attractive person. I've never had an issue with guys that I like not being physically attracted to me. I've dated guys where I wasn't their type (I'm multi-ethnic and look quite different than the norm) but all of these guys still thought I was hot, exotic and were very attracted to me. This guy is used to dating different types of girls. He's only dated Asians who are very thin (100 pounds or less), super short and look a certain way. I'm slim but curvy in the hips and chest area, multi-ethnic (Latina, White and Black) and pretty much look absolutely nothing like all the women he's dated. His male friends have flirted with me, and I do go on dates with other guys. I'm not worried at all about my physical appearance. I can certainly improve but I'm happy with my looks and am not going to change it to make a guy like me. This could simply be a matter of me not being the type he typically goes for rather than a weight issue or anything.
Emilia Posted July 25, 2014 Posted July 25, 2014 This guy has massive emotional issues and he is putting this all on you because he can't deal with them. Do yourself a huge favour and move on. You will never fully understand him because he will always hide his real problems from you. 1
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