How do u fix a broken relationship? It hurts so much...:(

[dreaming4ever]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, we each live in separate houses and see each other quite a bit but there's so many problems and I hurt all the time and I don't have anyone to talk to about any of it.

 

You see, at the beginning I was head over heels in love with him. I moved to be with him since we didn't live in the same town. At that time I did it because he told me one day (looking sad like a puppy dog) that he didn't know if he could keep saying goodbye to me b/c it hurt him too much since I visited him on weekends and then went home during the week. So I moved here and things were pretty cool and we had a ton of fun together but now it's a mess. Nothing fundamental has really changed but my boyfriend is just so frustrating now since he's turned into someone gradually over time that it hurts to be with...but maybe he was this person all along and now I'm just finally noticing it. He's emotionally distant, he never shares anything REAL with me, he doesn't seem to care about who I am, he criticizes me and my family and friends, he never tells me how he feels about me or shows me how much he cares for me.....he can be EXTREMELY selfish and horrible when he doesn't get his own way.

 

I've gotten to the point where I don't even know if I want to be with him anymore, yet the sad part is that I can tell that he has no clue that anything has changed with me. He doesn't even realize that I've been acting different because he still acts as if we're going to be together forever and this is just the way things are. Today I wanted to feel loved by him desperately, so while we were watching a movie I cuddled up to him and he's like "move over" to which I said "I want to cuddle!" and so he's like "I'm not the cuddling type" I'm very sensitive so I almost cried when he said that to me because he used to cuddle with me.

 

Is there any way to fix this? Are we just too different? Another thing about him is that he yells at me sometimes and blames it on the stress he has to deal with which he takes out on me since I'm the closest person to him. As if that is an excuse! And he thinks that whenever I'm crying that I'm trying to make him feel bad about something....like my emotions are some kind of game!!

 

I don't get excited about hanging out with him anymore. Most of the time I just want to cry about us. The worst part is that I know if I break up with him I'd be crying forever because I'm terrified of making a decision I might regret. I don't know what to do.....I'm hurting now....and I'd be hurting if we weren't together since I'd be all alone...I just wish there was a way to fix our relationship. I've talked to him about it before but he doesn't think there's anything wrong. In his view, he agrees there's things wrong with him but he "has to put up with a lot of ****" from me as well (his words). Meanwhile all I've ever tried to do was be the most loving, caring, helpful girlfriend I could.....where did all of this go wrong? Can anyone help??

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like the only person who is still hanging on is you. He sounds like he's made his distance, and is backing out emotionally and the harder you chase him, the further you'll push him. I'm not seeing much to fix: you are in love and he is falling out of love (if he hasn't entirely fallen already). You are holding on to the person he was when he loved you, not the person he is now. That person you fell in love with was who he was because he loved you. Now that he does not, he is not that same person. That's why he seems like such a stranger to you. His behavior - insulting, cold, distant, critical, selfish - sounds like he has lost too much of his emotional investment in you to "fix".

 

You will need to get your heart together and prepare to let go of your hopes for this relationship. I know you don't want to be in a relationship with this cold stranger who keeps you at a distance, so you'll need to accept that the guy you fell in love with is gone and isn't coming back. Its pretty easy letting go of bastards who treat you wrong, but as long as you harbor some sort of hope in your heart for them and your relationship - it can be nearly impossible to do, no matter how horrible they are to you. You have to understand that falling out of love is entirely his deal. You probably did very little or nothing to trigger that happening.

 

There is nothing you can effectively do at this point until you begin to let go yourself and get some strength to make your break. He is likely making himself as unpleasant as he can to avoid being the one to break up, so you'll have to be the one to take the steps. Once you are ready, let him know that you loved him and loved what your relationship was, but that it changed into something that your heart can't handle. Then you make your break. A solid 'no contact' break - a 'no contact' period to give your heart some unbiased, uninterrupted time to heal.

 

You may find some insight in these two threads:

 

The nature of falling out of love, from two perspectives

The Lost Guide to No Contact

[NiCoLe20]

^ VERY WELL PUT!

[EC]

I think maybe you never really knew him. I mean its hard to get to know someone only hanging out with them on the weekends. Sure its great everyweekend because you let things slide, and everything is perfect because you are going to leave again.

 

But then you moved down and were with him all the time and saw the real him. Things he couldn't hide from you like he used to during the week. Maybe hes just not for you and you needed to move down there to figure it out.

[hugznkisses21]

does he do anything or say anything anymore that lets u know he caresa dn loves you?

 

Maybe he is at that comfort zone....

Maybe he wants u to chase after him...silly i know but guys can play games sometimes

[dreaming4ever]

I think you guys are getting the wrong idea. My bf is acting like this but he's not making any moves to break up with me. He is the one that calls ME everyday asking to hang out with me, HE is the one planning things for us way into the future (such as going to a friend's wedding in august). He can be nice sometimes and we have fun sometimes but there's a lot of bad too. Yes he tells me he loves me sometimes and kisses me and even last night he said he couldn't help staring at me cuz I'm pretty but there's so much bad stuff too....but whenever I bring it up he attacks me, saying I have flaws too meaning he's not willing to change. And no I'm not trying to change who he is to make him what I want, I would just love the criticism and the pointless arguments and the selfishness to stop.

[dreaming4ever]

So I guess maybe what I'm asking is how do you make your bf nicer when he's being horrible to you?

[hugznkisses21]

if you are treating him with respect he should do the same u cant make him. It he isnt treating you nice u have to do what is best for you...whether that be find someone who respects you...or tell him straight up he isnt respectful

[LucreziaBorgia]

... how do you make your bf nicer when he's being horrible to you?

 

he's not willing to change

 

That's the crux of your matter. If he isn't willing to change - then you'll have to make a choice: stay in this relationship under these terms which you cannot change, or make the break yourself.