marcjb Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 When you end up dating someone and you are considering a serious relationship with them, at what point are you supposed to have a discussion about values and boundaries? I am personally a very open person. Anyone could ask me anything and I would talk to them about it in real life just as I would on a forum, but I feel like a lot of people want to be with someone that is light hearted, so when is this discussion supposed to be brought up? Right before you consider an exclusive relationship? I feel like it's a double edged sword because I've realized that this is something that is very important, yet at the same time I feel like if it is brought up it kills that light hearted vibe when you are dating and in the early stages of a relationship. 1
melodicintention Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I dont see why you need to have a marked time to speak of these subjects. You don't need to create a single conversation about these things, you can bring them up slowly as you go starting with the first date. Don't push, but let the natural flow of the conversation allow you and your partner to bring up your values and see if they match. You probably don't want to bring up heavy subject on the first date, however you could in a way try indirectly by discussing characters in contemporary movies and TV that are dealing with situations that would give you insight to their values simply by expressing their opinion about the character and the plot. Just and idea
hasaquestion Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 When you end up dating someone and you are considering a serious relationship with them, at what point are you supposed to have a discussion about values and boundaries? I am personally a very open person. Anyone could ask me anything and I would talk to them about it in real life just as I would on a forum, but I feel like a lot of people want to be with someone that is light hearted, so when is this discussion supposed to be brought up? Right before you consider an exclusive relationship? I feel like it's a double edged sword because I've realized that this is something that is very important, yet at the same time I feel like if it is brought up it kills that light hearted vibe when you are dating and in the early stages of a relationship. Can't say its a question I've ever asked personally. It would be like asking someone the question "who are you?" - you don't have to, because in the course of spending time together (actions, conversations) you are showing them the answer.
Author marcjb Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) Can't say its a question I've ever asked personally. It would be like asking someone the question "who are you?" - you don't have to, because in the course of spending time together (actions, conversations) you are showing them the answer. It's not a matter of showing them the answer, it's to understand what their values and boundaries are. I was with my ex fiancé for 3 years. It wasn't until about 2 and a 1/2 years into our relationship that I seriously questioned her values and boundaries. I don't want to go through that again with someone else. I don't want to vaguely guess what they are either, hence the question of actual discussion with them about it a lot earlier. Edited July 24, 2014 by marcjb
hasaquestion Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 It's not a matter of showing them the answer, it's to understand what their values and boundaries are. I was with my ex fiancé for 3 years. It wasn't until about 2 and a 1/2 years into our relationship that I seriously questioned her values and boundaries. I don't want to go through that again with someone else. I don't want to vaguely guess what they are either, hence the question of actual discussion with them about it. Well, if they are not voluntarily communicating to you "what they are all about", then maybe they aren't someone you want to be with anyway? I mean, it seems like when people get into serious relationships they can't stop talking.
Author marcjb Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) Well, if they are not voluntarily communicating to you "what they are all about", then maybe they aren't someone you want to be with anyway? I mean, it seems like when people get into serious relationships they can't stop talking. We did talk a lot. It's one of the main reason's why we were together. We were also very compatible with how our personalities gelled, and our sense of humor, and it just felt very natural to be together, but we apparently did not agree on the same values. She thought it was ok to make new friends (acquaintances are ok) of the opposite gender. She ended up having an emotional affair with someone who she befriended when she went back to school to get her masters degree (she's 34). Early in the relationship, apparently I should have asked her regarding the issue of making new male friends, but the problem had not come up for me before so I wouldn't have thought to ask it. I want to know what someone's values are before I am deeply emotionally invested in them in the future. Edited July 24, 2014 by marcjb
iiiii Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 If it's something that specific, I'd ask reasonably early on. You can get a general sense of how people are, and what values they have, from how they act over time. But if there's a specific boundary you want to place on the relationship (such as neither partner is be allowed to make friends of the opposite sex), then better to ask early on - because if you wait until the situation arises to see how your partner acts, it might be a while before you find out
Tbisb74 Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 We did talk a lot. It's one of the main reason's why we were together. We were also very compatible with how our personalities gelled, and our sense of humor, and it just felt very natural to be together, but we apparently did not agree on the same values. She thought it was ok to make new friends (acquaintances are ok) of the opposite gender. She ended up having an emotional affair with someone who she befriended when she went back to school to get her masters degree (she's 34). Early in the relationship, apparently I should have asked her regarding the issue of making new male friends, but the problem had not come up for me before so I wouldn't have thought to ask it. I want to know what someone's values are before I am deeply emotionally invested in them in the future. Simply because someone has 'values' doesn't mean they'll remain faithful to them. I'm sure the woman who had that EA would have said total fidelity was a value for her.... There are things you learn about other people as an ongoing thing in any relationship. I read somewhere, (A humorous indicator) that you gain an insight into a person's true character when you see them working on a Computer that's really slow.... another indicator, apparently, is how they treat the waiting staff if you're out for a meal....The important factors I consider worthy of early discussion (dependent on age and how appropriate this may be) are having children, religious beliefs, cultural differences and allowances, finances (specific to who earns more, who might 'stay at home', who pays for what....) and sex. Compatibility of thought in those areas is of paramount importance. 1
A O Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Early in the relationship, apparently I should have asked her regarding the issue of making new male friends, but the problem had not come up for me before so I wouldn't have thought to ask it. I want to know what someone's values are before I am deeply emotionally invested in them in the future. There are certain preferences that I voice very early in the piece and others, that are less important, that will get a mention as they arise and others again that I may not have thought about until they crop up, that I'll tackle as soon as I develop a preference for it one way or the other. The trick in relationship-land is to have a very good idea of what you want in a person. Can't say there's a special time-frame or any great way to voice these ideas (short of being respectful and humorous) but the trick is to have an idea and be willing to express it and stick by it. 1
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I'm pretty blunt. I bring up some of the tough taboo subjects early . . . sometimes even before intimacy because I want to know who I'm getting involved with. I am too intense for some folks but I love a good debate. If you can't hold your own with me in a conversation, I can't be bothered trying to figure out if I want to deal with you long term elsewhere. So if there is stuff you want to talk about, do it when the time feels right. 1
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