This Need is Driving me insane!!!

[CaughtUp]

but I don't know if that is the route for ME to break MY connection because I sat down 3-4 years ago and tried to figure out what it was about this man that has me so hung up and it was the fact he seemed to be exactly like ALL THE STUFF I DO LIKE ABOUT MYSELF. (how is that for funny) We attack problems the same way we just ...... gel. Lately I've gone down the route of thinking "ok no one and I mean no one can live up to the pedestal this guy is up on so what are some of the things that I might dislike about him" So far on that front I'm coming up ______________. When he is around my body hums

 

We even disagree in the same way. I know I know I'm probably making you gag but with all the down time my particular relationship has I do tons and tons of soul searching and like I said before he is the only one that can break the spell, or spoil the illusion.

 

oh for one minute I always like an outside opinion was I imagining that GirlDown was being a little out of line or was I because I just felt like if you don't have anything nice to say move on its not like we are trapped together. But if you don't want to get involved in our mini drama I understand

[LadyRLD]

The reason why you can't see the bad things is because you are in the situation.

 

Maybe I can give you one or two bad things that you can keep repeating to yourself until you believe it to be true.

 

He is not "loyal". He sneaks around and lies to someone he married just to satisfy himself. In other words, he's selfish. If he had any decent bones left in his body, he would take a small break from you and the W (like a mini vacation for himself) and figure what he wants to do. Also, he doesn't put you first. He's insecure. If he was secure, he wouldn't need to have more than one woman fussing over him.

 

Now how that situation reflects on you? Well speaking in my point of view, I realized when I was dating I wasn't loyal and I didn't like that about myself. I was scared to death of commitment that's why I couldn't keep myself faithful to one man. That's also why I fell for an MM. I needed to have one foot out the door. I didn't put myself first so why would anyone else do that? I fell into relationships just so I wouldn't focus have to myself. I was very insecure. We only attract what we are.

 

Try harder to find something of your own that you totally can't deal with about him besides him being M of course. the answer won't come to you right away. But it will come at the right time. Focus harder on how you feel. Are you secretly scared of commitment? Do you sabotage relationships or try to find something wrong with everyone you meet so that you can always have one foot out the door.

 

If you look at it clearly, very clearly!!! Your MM is really insecure. He is one of those men that need to have someone on the back burner just to make sure he doesn't end up alone. He doesn't want to have to face himself.

 

This doesn't make sense now. But it will. As long as you are headed in the right direction. You will get what you deserve.

 

I am not saying it's not possible for him to leave his W. But I bet if you totally left him, it would force him to think about one side of the situation. It would take his W to leave for him to think about the rest of his situation and to find out what's driving him to live two separate lives. You don't or shouldn't want him as he is now. He needs to make some changes and refine himself before you get him. Otherwise he can just stay with his W.

 

Until he realizes that he has a problem (which I bet he won't ever until someone slaps the living daylights out of him); he will not change. What you get is what you get. Unfortunately

[CaughtUp]

This is totally alllllllll me so far. I wish I had the fortitude to type out the details but it is soooooo much to tell. hmmmm how to summerize.....

 

We haven't slept together since July 2001. Until this past November we hadn't so much as spoken to each other since March 2002. By working for his family I got a chance to start the conversation we need to finish when he came in to visit. I had carried this torch and had no idea if it was reciprocated at all and in that conversation I was told that he had always cared for me and that he couldn't ask me to wait on him. A LOT of conversation about things that had gone on in the last years we were apart including him thinking I was married. Then conversation cut short because of circumstances.

 

Now things I need to say to him: 1. I love you but if there is no hope for us let me know so I can move on. ( I so chickened out of saying "I love you" when we were talking it was like leaving a safety zone for myself just in case things went bad.) 2. I want to make it clear that I'm not looking for someone to take care of me, or be a father to my children, and I'm not after your money. 3. Just tell me if I was a plaything I can deal with that and still be your friend (hell still be your plaything) I just need some answers.

 

I would have liked this conversation to be face to face I can read a lot in expressions but like I said time did not allow. So I'm not defending him just want the record straight that he hasn't been leading me on with sweet words and future promises or anything and he isn't using me for anything. That is why I say my situation is a little different from the others I've read about on here. I'm not saying totally unique just not run of the mill either.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by CaughtUp

 

We haven't slept together since July 2001. Until this past November we hadn't so much as spoken to each other since March 2002. By working for his family I got a chance to start the conversation we need to finish when he came in to visit. I had carried this torch and had no idea if it was reciprocated at all and in that conversation I was told that he had always cared for me and that he couldn't ask me to wait on him. A LOT of conversation about things that had gone on in the last years we were apart including him thinking I was married. Then conversation cut short because of circumstances.

 

It sounds to me like he's just trying to "let you down easy", rather than hurting your feelings. Those are pretty large gaps in contact. If he was truly interested, I doubt it would have taken so long to hear from him.

 

It looks to me like it was you who initiated contact again by being in close proximity to his family members. If that contact was incidental on his part, it's much different than if he had sought you out.

 

Have you ever heard of a book called, He's Just Not That Into You? Maybe it would be worth reading in your case in an effort to clarify his words and actions. Sometimes people are too polite to say what their true feelings are.

 

I'm sure you'll take this wrong, because you've shown a marked proclivity to be defensive on this thread, but....

 

There's a line between "holding a torch" for a long lost love, and actively pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't return your feelings. Crossing that line would make you a STALKER.

 

The guy is married. He appears to be interested in maintaining his marriage and his family life. Why try to f*ck that up for him, if indeed you do love him?

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

It sounds to me like he's just trying to "let you down easy", rather than hurting your feelings. Those are pretty large gaps in contact. If he was truly interested, I doubt it would have taken so long to hear from him.

 

It looks to me like it was you who initiated contact again by being in close proximity to his family members. If that contact was incidental on his part, it's much different than if he had sought you out.

 

Have you ever heard of a book called, He's Just Not That Into You? Maybe it would be worth reading in your case in an effort to clarify his words and actions. Sometimes people are too polite to say what their true feelings are.

 

I'm sure you'll take this wrong, because you've shown a marked proclivity to be defensive on this thread, but....

 

There's a line between "holding a torch" for a long lost love, and actively pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn't return your feelings. Crossing that line would make you a STALKER.

 

The guy is married. He appears to be interested in maintaining his marriage and his family life. Why try to f*ck that up for him, if indeed you do love him?

 

Completely agree Ladyjane! Very well said.

 

Caughtup, girl, I know where you are coming from, I can understand your feelings but you MUST look inside yourself. That book that Lady recommended, by the way, is GREAT. (It was on Oprah!) And there's even a chapter about married men and learning when someone is just not that into you. I know it's hard, I know you may not want to see it, but actions speak louder than words, please if you forget everything else I've said, at least remember that!

[CaughtUp]

First I would like to say that no one on here has upset me except GirlDown yesterday. I try to add the smiley faces and things to let you all know that. If anyone feels that I've been upset with something you have said to me I apologize for not being more clear with my responses its just hard when you are a very verbal person who uses body language and facial expressions to soften the sarcasm that is just a natural thing and not meant to be nasty. Now I have been looking for the "No typing the whole situation" way out and trying to get the whole story out to you all but that doesn't seem to be working out so well. One reason for not typing it out is that I feel that on the off chance that his W would happen to be reading on here it is unique enought to be sniffed out so......

 

Now back to the saga.

 

The gaps were due to circumstances. I found out from our conversation that he also thought I was married, too. Due to confusion on both of our parts, me being very ill (I mean making out your will kind of ill) and homeless (believe me when you are wondering where you and your 7 month old child are going to sleep that night the MM is a distant distant thought.) And also this was during the time I was giving it ago with someone else so I made myself very hard to find, even going to the extreme of not going near where his parents work so that wouldn't know what kind of car I owned at the time blah blah blah. So once again not trying to take up for him but just laying the situation as it was out there. And true there is some murkiness and that is why I'm asking the questions of him that I need to move on. And no I'm not going to go crazy and start stalking. If he tells me he wants nada, then I can deal with that. If he still wants to be a part of my life but still on the sly and that is all I mean to him. I can deal with that. I just need to know where I stand then I can ask myself the next set of "what can I deal with from here on out" questions.

[Guest]

Originally posted by LadyRLD

I wasn't mad. He was out trying to get what he wanted to keep his sanity in his relationship. I happened to be the next victim in his game. Then I started to think he was clever. I envied the way he manipulated people. Then I realized I also manipulate people. Not to his extent. He was careless and ruthless. But I had a little of him in me and i am not talking about his penis ;-) I mean I had some of his qualities. So I re-evaluated myself. I changed what I didn't like about myself through seeing "me" in him. Now when I meet someone, I will see a better "me" through whoever the next victim will be (he better be sexy as hell) :-) will be. Once I figured out the MMs pattern and started realizing how predictable he really is. I got bored. Once I changed the things I didn't like about myself. I got bored with him. I know longer needed to see the old "me" in him. My lesson was learned.

 

That's when I ended it and knew I wasn't coming back. I told him I found someone else. What he didn't know was that that someone else was "me" :-)

 

This is so inspirational and beautiful! You really do get it. I am very happy I had a chance to read your words.

[MsMree]

It seems you have been through alot in your life and it also seems that you have come along way from being homeless as well as being a single-Mom, etc.

 

Question for you... since you have had your share of tough-breaks and have overcome them don't you think it is time to come full-circle? Isn't it time to heal EVERYTHING? Hold'g on to a relationship that seems not "meant to be" is just keeping you stuck - perhaps you can relate to never feel'g "whole".

 

You now have the opportunity to feel "whole" by not moving backwards - you can move forward by making healthy decisions for yourself and for your child -

 

SELF EMPOWERMENT IS A BEAUTIFUL THING!!

 

You will be in my thoughts

[CaughtUp]

and honey you don't know the half of it that is just the tip of the iceberg of my life saga.

 

and I'm working on making myself whole and finishing this chapter is part of that. And thank you for your positive energy.

[Leaf]

Well I read most of the 4 pages... lol.

 

CaughtUp,

 

First I'd like to say Hi and Welcome!

 

I'm an OW in an active relationship w/MM. You can find my story on here if you want.

 

Here is my advice...

Only you can know what is in your heart and only you can know how long you can last. You may not know right this very second, but I believe you to be a strong woman and when the time comes you will know in your heart what the right answer for you is. Let nature take its course, try not to make problems in your relationship, and at all times be honest with MM. I sometimes find myself not being totally honest with my feelings w/ MM because I am embaressed or I dont want to hurt him. But ya got to!

 

Good Luck!

 

- Leaf

[Mr Spock]

A man who is involved in a serious relationship will lead you on forever to prevent you from screwing up his life. He won't ever tell you there is no chance of him leaving because he's always secretly afraid you'll TELL. Men will sleep with you to keep you quiet, they will carry on a meaningless relationship for YEARS to avoid the hassles they create with these situations.

 

 

So what are you left with? There is no "right time" to end a relationship. Especially if one party doesn't see it coming.

 

So what you do is wait, hoping he'll one day just realize how he can't live without you and has to be with you all the time. You may even accept being "friends" or the occasional booty call simply to stay within mindsight of this man.

 

Your hesitation in expressing your love is understandable. Don't do it if you plan to walk, run, run away. It will just make you feel worse. If you plan to stick around and see if a house falls on his wife do it-eventually you'll see it doesn't get you anywhere........

 

You're not a stalker. They have TV shows dedicated to people who fell in love with someone in high school and STILL think about them 10 years down the road. It's OK to harbour a crush for a length of time.

 

What I'm telling you is that you will never, ever get what you want from this man. Ever. He won't leave his wife for you.

 

 

If he tells me he wants nada, then I can deal with that. If he still wants to be a part of my life but still on the sly and that is all I mean to him. I can deal with that. I just need to know where I stand then I can ask myself the next set of "what can I deal with from here on out" questions.

 

 

Eventually, you won't be able to deal with that. Then you'll be royally f*cked.

[newby]

caught up

i agree with what spock has just said, i too wanted answers from my mm, i wanted him to just be honest with me. if he could just say that he loved his wife and wanted to work that out then i would have understood. but he would never be honest because he was scared of making me angry in case i told. i then felt bad that he didn't trust me, still do! they try to keep you sweet in the same way that they tried to keep you sweet when they wanted to xxxx you on the side, to keep you as a side xxxx. you may want a decent honest conversation with him but that is one thing you will never get. now he just wants to keep you quiet. if he said that he would could never do anything till his youngest was old enough it is in the hope that you will decide you cant wait that long. if he said he still cared for you but thought you were married etc, he is trying to blame the fact that he didnt want to pursue things with you on circumstances, he simply will not take the responsibility.

that conversation that you want to have with him, have it with yourself, or have it with people on here. you will NEVER get the truth from this man.

lady said something about this man reflecting a part of yourself that you did not like. in reply you said he reflected the part of YOU that you did like. this is how i too felt about my mm. i felt he brought out the part of me i liked, but if that is the case then you already have that. you dont need him for that.

((hugs))

[CaughtUp]

The not being totally honest is why there is so much confusion in the relationship now.

 

When this first started I was out only to hurt my H (at the time now exH and distant memory) and have a little fun because I was fed up with trying to make our relationship work all by myself, and this MM wasn't the only person I was fooling around with. I felt the ZAP!! immediately but brushed it off (#1 not being honest with myself) then I realized I was slowly not spending anytime with any of my other "friends". (remember at this time I thought the MM was single and free and very available), then I started moves to leave my H. At the time my thought process was "ooohh I've found someone with whom its going to be worth trying to have a real relationship so I'd better get my ass in gear." Then BLAM!! "I'm having a conversation with him and his family and they are like Yeah _________'s W should be here sometime in the next week or two..." I was like !! !! W?! W?! How in the hell did 2 1/2 months go by and not one of these people ever mention a W!! . Ok, then I was like alright now can I do this? Yeah, that is what you were doing before you just got ahead of yourself just go back to being just hoochie and have you fun (#2 not being honest with myself). Then this allowed us to continue to spend this time and talk and well you know how this part goes and then one day he said something; I can't even remember what it was now, but something to the effect of us being together and I laughed it off and said "Yeah, right you know this is just a past time." and he was real quite for a minute and then hurried off of the phone. (#3 me not being honest with him).

 

And it just goes on and on and on like that and before you know it my H has found out and is going around threating the MM's W and family and I just made myself scarce because I thought you know the one thing I promised was that I wouldn't cause him any drama. I just kept my distance, then when things calmed down and about a 7 months had gone by he found me and we started up again but we were both very guarded and he had also moved about 3 hours away and I was kinda involved with someone else (BD). Then BD was around when the MM showed up one day and he went crazy and HE went over to the MM's parents house and called the MM out so there was another lag because I was like there is no way he wants to deal with me after all of that. Then about 5-6 months pass and he visits me 2-3 times and then I don't hear from him and I just move on then 8 months later he calls and I'm preg and that is the last I hear from him (and where he assumed I was married) until I start working for his family again.

 

Our relationship seems to stay on this "Him: oh where are you now oh ok..Me: Whats going on with you now..oh ..ok. and so forth and so on. So I just need to find out where the h*ll I stand now what his feelings are and then I can proceed.

[newby]

i seeeeee!

well its a little clearer now, why didnt you just say all this in the first place?

in that case, yes have that conversation with him by all means.

in that case why was your original question, should i wait 15 years? he must already have given you some answers if you think you will have to wait 15 years

where was his wife when your xh went and created at his families?

so his family know all of this and they employ you?

its all rather strange

[MsMree]

He keeps "popp'g-up" so you believe he is still very attracted to you otherwise he would not keep doing so.

 

I BELIEVE YOU DESERVE A MAN THAT WOULD HUNT YOU DOWN - not just "appear" at irregular intervals (whomever initiates the "move-ons" is irrelevant).

 

I will speak for myself - if it doesn't apply, let it fly.

 

When I'm on the self-esteem roller-coaster (i'm the bomb - i'm not - i'm the bomb - i'm not) and someone treats me like i'm perfect on the downslide (the "i'm not" part of the ride) i suck up that attention like it is the last i may ever get - when this happens, i do not see the attention "giver" with eyes wide open.

 

And this is the way it was when my MM entered into my life - NOW, I am the BOMB - i have been on this ride for quite awhile - and of course, i now see things w/MM very differently - not from my needs but from the facts as they are.

 

Perhaps in time you will see the facts as they are - that you are the BOMB, you deserve much more than a relationship filled w/guessing games (for lack of a better term!) or one surrounded w/chaos but with a man that let's you know that you are the one for him and the only one for him.

 

I also realize that as long as my MM is in my life, i will not meet the type of man that i described above - life just doesn't work that way (for me anyway )

 

I really don't think you know how lucky you are or that the ball is in your court - MOVE ON with your life - i bet you it will be a much happier place and i believe that if you confront this man w/your questions you will be answered with more questions and nothing definitive.

 

One last thing (i think i speak for alot of OW) - we came to a point in our relationship w/an"Oh, s***!! I love this man and i'm head'g for hurt" realization. We were deep in it before we realized it - BUT YOU do not seem to be at this point.

 

LUCKY YOU.

[CaughtUp]

I past that point a few years ago. When my H got involved and everything blew up. I laid on my couch for weeekss and couldn't function. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't eat, slept waaaayyy too much. Then I shook myself and asked these questions:

 

1. Do you love him or need to pump up your ego? I love him

2. You knew this could happen, right? Right

3. You have 2 Beautiful kids that need you, right? Right

4. If he ever came back what condition would you want him to find you in? In this puddle? No, Happy and going on with my life.

5. If its meant to be will it work out? Yes

6. If that takes 90 years can you wait that long? Yes

7. Do you have to live your life and find other sources of happiness if that turns out to be the case? Yes and I love __________. (and I made a list of things I wanted to do with my life and stuff that makes me happy like sunsets and dancing...)

8. You have survived much worst than this, are you going to let this be the end of you? No

9. Can you cherish the good times with him and go on if you never see him again? Yes

10. Who runs your life? Me and only me

 

Then I picked myself up and started joining the world again. And during this time I did some soul searching and I decided that though its not ideal I could deal with the relationship the way it was and because of the way it was I could change my mind the very next minute so I had the freedom to decide from minute to minute what I was willing to put up with.

 

Now my situation is unique because I'm close to his family I see what goes on behind his doors so to speak and I feel there is a chance that he might leave his W that has nothing to do with me and if so I want to know if I'm on his list of dating potential or not. (so to speak).

 

Believe me too I wanted to have the conversation face to face to eliminate the guessing what he meant because I have a built in BS detector and it works much better face to face and I do know him well enough that and old enough and smart enough not to be taken in by sweet words. But like I said circumstances now do not give me the opportunity to speak with him and it has nothing to do with him being M. I just need some words to guage and until I get that my soul won't be satisfied.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by MsMree

When I'm on the self-esteem roller-coaster (i'm the bomb - i'm not - i'm the bomb - i'm not) and someone treats me like i'm perfect on the downslide (the "i'm not" part of the ride) i suck up that attention like it is the last i may ever get - when this happens, i do not see the attention "giver" with eyes wide open.

 

And this is the way it was when my MM entered into my life - NOW, I am the BOMB - i have been on this ride for quite awhile - and of course, i now see things w/MM very differently - not from my needs but from the facts as they are.

 

A friend of mine asked me the other day how it was that I even allowed MM into my life, and this is pretty much EXACTLY what I said. Did we all get into it in the same way??

[MsMree]

I can only speak for myself but i was totally not in "good space" when MM started giving me addict'g attention - i had met and dated lousy men, was resigned to being alone and just doing the single-Mom routine - i was pretty damn depressed now that i think about it. So my self-esteem, or worse yet, my self-worth was really suffering.

 

It has to be that way for women to get involved w/MM - anyone who truly thinks so highly of themselves would not need the attention - in fact, the attention from a MM would be quickly nipped-in-the-bud. If i was in a better place emotionally, i'd take his think'g he was in love with me with a "that's so cute" type of attitude. If I loved myself enough, love from him would have meant nothing to me.

 

And another thing... I don't even know how to meet men - i'm not good at giving the little "i'm interested" smile (I'm really good at the "i'm a stuck-up bic!h" look - BUT I'M NOT STUCK-UP!), i don't drink, therefore, don't really go to bars, and all of my friends are married, or are in "new" relatiionships and cannot do the let's go out "thing" -

 

SO... with him, i didn't have to do any work at all.

 

This very attractive man thinks i'm fabulous and is doing all the work to win me over... couple that w/how i described i was feel'g 9 mos. ago - WAHLAH... spontaneous combustion!!

 

Sorry for the ramble - it has been a tough day.

[CaughtUp]

Sorry its been a tough day.

 

Now forgive me but I'm unclear about something. Are you still seeing your MM?

[MsMree]

To answer that - i haven't seen him since Wednesday - he went to TX to visit W and kinds (he goes home every 6 wks. to visit - or should i say that is the plan - this is his 1st visit since they left in Dec.).

 

I told him NOT to call me - i would see him when he got back, which is today.

 

Now, i've never gone this long w/o talk'g to him - wondering what the situation is. But like all of you, it is a daily struggle - one filled alot of "what ifs" and in between alot of break-ups that last no more than a few days (he always breaks NC - and i'm always glad he does) IT'S F'D UP!!!

 

I'm not sure you've read any of my other posts, but for MM and me, we spend alot of time together (every weekend, see ea.other daily, etc.) so i struggle w/want'g to be w/him in a committed realtionship all the time -

 

I sometimes wonder if it would be easier to walk away if my situation was more like the other OW - no weekends,

etc. -

 

So there is my situation - i so much want to gather the strength to say goodbye to him (oh, and we work in the same bldg., too). This site helps!!

[CaughtUp]

I would kill to have an opportunity like yours to just get to spend time.

 

Ok I'm over it. I haven't read your thread and I'm going to. Then one thing I've noticed is that one of the reasons I ran into ....say a wall ...well not a wall but was ...taken aback when I first got on here is that almost everyone on here is trying desperately to break away from there MM and little ole me I'm just getting back to being able to speak to him again.

 

Yeah I seriously believe that it would be a lot easier for you if you didn't have so much contact if you are trying to break away. In your situation its like you are the W!! I send you all the positive energy and *comfort* that I possibly can.

 

On the spiritual front I don't know how you girls fall religiously but the moon is waning and it is a time of release and a time to get rid of things so if you are trying to break a habit now the powers that be are on your side. You might say oh look who is giving advice but this is how I would go about it. I would pick this phase of the moon to say give up e-mailing him. Then as the moon goes into the Waxing phase I would pick-up doing something good for me like meditation or walking during those times when I would normally be e-mailing or calling him I just feel stronger when I feel like the forces of nature are working with me.

 

I know I know I'm still dealing with my MM, but remember that is by choice I'm driven insane by the fact that snail mail is....well snail mail so dang on slow. And I'm great at giving advice I can't follow !!

[newby]

in answer to "did we all get in the same way?

well i too was recovering from my second nervous breakdown, not recovering very well i might add, when he first started giving me attention, and i needed it i sucked it up

but the first time happened when i was very drunk, i dont think i would have done anything if i hadnt have done it the first time already but having said that, i think the addiction to him had definetly already begun and i just dont know...

[joodee]

Originally posted by LadyRLD

The reason why you can't see the bad things is because you are in the situation.

 

Maybe I can give you one or two bad things that you can keep repeating to yourself until you believe it to be true.

 

He is not "loyal". He sneaks around and lies to someone he married just to satisfy himself. In other words, he's selfish. If he had any decent bones left in his body, he would take a small break from you and the W (like a mini vacation for himself) and figure what he wants to do. Also, he doesn't put you first. He's insecure. If he was secure, he wouldn't need to have more than one woman fussing over him.

 

Now how that situation reflects on you? Well speaking in my point of view, I realized when I was dating I wasn't loyal and I didn't like that about myself. I was scared to death of commitment that's why I couldn't keep myself faithful to one man. That's also why I fell for an MM. I needed to have one foot out the door. I didn't put myself first so why would anyone else do that? I fell into relationships just so I wouldn't focus have to myself. I was very insecure. We only attract what we are.

 

Try harder to find something of your own that you totally can't deal with about him besides him being M of course. the answer won't come to you right away. But it will come at the right time. Focus harder on how you feel. Are you secretly scared of commitment? Do you sabotage relationships or try to find something wrong with everyone you meet so that you can always have one foot out the door.

 

If you look at it clearly, very clearly!!! Your MM is really insecure. He is one of those men that need to have someone on the back burner just to make sure he doesn't end up alone. He doesn't want to have to face himself.

 

This doesn't make sense now. But it will. As long as you are headed in the right direction. You will get what you deserve.

 

I am not saying it's not possible for him to leave his W. But I bet if you totally left him, it would force him to think about one side of the situation. It would take his W to leave for him to think about the rest of his situation and to find out what's driving him to live two separate lives. You don't or shouldn't want him as he is now. He needs to make some changes and refine himself before you get him. Otherwise he can just stay with his W.

 

Until he realizes that he has a problem (which I bet he won't ever until someone slaps the living daylights out of him); he will not change. What you get is what you get. Unfortunately

 

This is a very good post, Lady LRD.

 

I have read other things you read, they are very insight, thank you for sharing and I hope this will sink in to those who need to have it sink in.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by joodee

 

 

This is a very good post, Lady LRD.

 

I have read other things you read, they are very insight, thank you for sharing and I hope this will sink in to those who need to have it sink in.

 

i agree with you, joodee...unfortunately the people who need it to sink in are in denial.

[DoggyDog]

From someone who knows----don't wait for him. My MM and I went over

20 yrs....til he ended it 4 fresh months ago. How did he do it? Said he

wasn't "good" for me....he couldn't commit. Do I need say more of this heartache. I was your age when we met. I too was free and fun loving just coming out of a divorce. No ties...just want to play the field. No children. Then it happened--my whole life changed. I met the MM who pursued me like no other. He was younger too. What a ball we had.....little by little "I was becoming "HIS".....and yes just like you, I thought I was living my life the way I wanted. But your really "NOT"...You are living around their life, their free time, their urges for your company, your body, your ego boosting words that the W probably stopped saying. You are no longer YOU!...You will become someone else----you will become wrapped up in a world of fantasy...which I found out way too late thru all those years.

 

Now I'm older, and to some still attractive though I don't think so anymore...I lost it all and everyday if you put yourself thru a similar situation, the mirror will reflect the lonely nights, holidays, and wondering what he's doing on your now

weary and strained FACE.....I can't get back those years EVER....YOU will also lose a part of your life if you hang on to this MM....He told me he was holding me back....You know what....that hurts more than anything because it's to late to hold me back.....the back is GONE and If I can help you with letting him go and give yourself a NEW LIFE without this MM....Truly I would be very happy for saving your life.....A life that can lead nowhere if you stay with this man.

 

Heartfelt L DD