CaughtUp Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 [font=century gothic][/font][color=darkblue][/color]I've been involved with my mm for 6yrs and it has been quite the rollercoaster!! For the first 6-7 weeks I didn't even know he was married even his parents never mentioned that he had a wife who would be moving to town soon and God help me I fell head over heels the moment I met him and I haven't been able to shake it. There has been plenty of drama and I went through a period where I didn't see him for almost 2years and that still didn't help me. During this period I had a child with another man (in some vain attempt to forget him and him and his wife and a second child) Now I working for his family and I'm so deep in this I don't know what to do. YES I know I'm in the wrong. YES I know the odds are not in my favor but I did get a chance to talk to him and he said he couldn't have anyone else raising his kids so I told him that I would wait 15years (till the youngest is 18) but he needs to tell me now if that is just not what he wants. I don't think anyone can talk me out of this but him but I just really need to vent with people I feel understand the situation because my best friend who is happily married just thinks I should forget about him and move on. IF ONLY THAT WERE AN OPTION!! Someone please just converse with me I just need some feedback for awhile he is away and it takes mail 2-3weeks to get to him and I still haven't gotten the answers that I need to make the moves in my life.
kypepeo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 My friend was in a situation like yours and I just couldn't understand why she couldn't move on from him. For five years this guy drove her nuts and treated her like she didn't matter at all so eventually she cornered him and made him sya that she could move on . She needed to hear it from him; to get him to release her and that was the end of that. It wasn't that easy for him to say the words because he wanted to keep her dangling like that for the sake of his ego but she forced him to say those words and I think that's what you need to do as well. If that means going all the way to wherever he is, make that sacrifice. He probably won't want to let you go but don't give in to mind games. Go there when you have decided exactly what you want from him. Don't be manipulated into anything else. If this thing between you two happens 15 years from now, so be it but in the meantime, you need that release from this madness
erika2610 Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 But why would you be willing to wait 15 years? Can't you see what you would be missing out there.. you could be missing the perfect man. If he really loves you, he'll leave her. They'll still be raising the kids..
moo Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 i agree, tell him that you will return when the youngest is 18 in that case, and in the meantime, get on with YOUR life
Author CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by erika2610 But why would you be willing to wait 15 years? Can't you see what you would be missing out there.. you could be missing the perfect man. If he really loves you, he'll leave her. They'll still be raising the kids.. I haven't put my life on hold. Believe me I've tried moving on (if having a child and not seeing my MM for 2 1/2 years isn't trying to go on I don't know what is. But I can't shake him and until he tells me there is no hope I believe I'm here for life.
Merin Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by CaughtUp I haven't put my life on hold. Believe me I've tried moving on (if having a child and not seeing my MM for 2 1/2 years isn't trying to go on I don't know what is. But I can't shake him and until he tells me there is no hope I believe I'm here for life. Is there ENOUGH hope in you waiting for 15 MORE years to pass you by? Knowing he is still living with his wife and kids Still being intimate with his wife Spending all of his holiday with his wife and kids Celebrating 15 more anniversarys with his wife Providing for his wife Taking vacations with his wife The list is endless... No one can hold you down or make choices for you UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TOO.
Author CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 yeah I have ENOUGH to go through all of that and more and the only thing that I don't think that I can deal with is if he walks up to me 15 years from now and tells me there is someone ELSE. I can even understand if after all that time he decides to stay with his W. That makes logical sense to me. Will it hurt like hell? YES. Will I live? YES My life isn't empty without him but it sure would be a whole lot more with him. I'm open to the fact that maybe someone else out there maybe able to replace him that is why I'm going on with my life but until that person shows up he is IT.
Merin Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Wouldn't be enough for me.. There already is someone else.. his wife. Will 15 years more change that.. doubt it. Will you're life go on.. yeah it will.. Will his go on with his wife.. again, yes it will.. You're mind is made up today, and maybe tomorrow.. for all I know maybe forever.. BUT the only person who is responsible for what goes on in your life is you and what you're willing to settle for.
Author CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 I know and I make that decision everyday and that is why my world doesn't revolve around him. He is just one of the important parts. What's your story?
Merin Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by CaughtUp What's your story? My Story?
Author CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 Are you just on a crusade to save us poor OW or have you been down this road whats the deal?
Merin Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by CaughtUp Are you just on a crusade to save us poor OW or have you been down this road whats the deal? If I came across to you that I'm trying to save you because you're the OW that would be wrong. I'm not trying to save anyone.. offer what I can.. take it or leave it ya know? You posted a question, I responded the way I personally feel.. I would tell you the same thing regardless if this guy was married or not.. waiting 15 years for someone to get thier sh*t together isn't something I personally would be down for.. You feel there is enough hope that maybe one day he will get it together and give you everything you want.. all you.. your choice to make.. I can't get on the bus in believing however that other people have control over choices we as individuals make.. saying that HE holds all the cards and there isn't anything you can do about it IMO is lame.. There is always another option.
Author CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 There just seems to be some anger in your replies and I just wondered if there was, where that came from, if you had been there or what. I'm not offended just curious. I don't know if you are really understanding where I am. As far as the relationship goes with my MM yeah he holds all the cards because until he tells me its going nowhere (right now) I don't know how else to get over it, but my life is very full and I'm not sitting at home withering away waiting on him. I have my children first and foremost, I'm taking classes to become certified in the medical field, I date ( although they usually turn out to be frogs no matter how much I kiss ) I stay very active and busy. I didn't sit around Valentine's Day crying. Now do I still have my fantasys of him showing up at my door to tell me that he has left his W and I'm the only woman he wants to be with? YES . I've always been a romantic and I have an active imagination and this is the perfect breeding ground for that kind of thing ( I also have a great one about Orlando Bloom) but 15 years from now if he isn't in my life I'm not going to be standing around lost with no direction. On the otherhand if he tells me that there is hope for a future with us I've also realized that I have never lived with this man and there is the off chance that we may get to be together and I go "God you make me ill get away from me" . I doubt that but you never know. Also if I get a chance to work on a life with him he (much like me) wants someone who is bringing something to the table and being a whining sniveiling pain in the rear end isn't the kind of person he would want to be with and if I do nothing but pine away for him that would be all I could be so I'm constantly doing things to grow and learn not for him but because that is who I am and we clicked so well because that is who he is too. I've asked myself the big questions and I test those questions and answers all the time to see what I'm willing to do.
Devildog Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 CaughtUp, you might be dating, but as long as you are still stuck on this guy you are not really giving anyone else a fair chance. So I don't think you can honestly claim to be living your life in the meantime. Like you said, you haven't lived with him, you don't know what he is like in a live in relationship or marriage. You have an idealized image of him from admiring him from afar. And if he isn't entirely devoted to his wife, how does that fit into your idealized image of him? Why do you believe that even though he won't leave his wife for you, and isn't 100% devoted to his marriage to his wife, that he will be devoted to you faithfully?
GirlDown Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by CaughtUp [font=century gothic][/font][color=darkblue][/color] my best friend who is happily married just thinks I should forget about him and move on. IF ONLY THAT WERE AN OPTION!! that most certainly is an option, my friend. but you are closing your eyes to reality. ""but 15 years from now if he isn't in my life I'm not going to be standing around lost with no direction."" why will then be any different than now? and a better question might be, if you really feel this way, then why are you waiting this long for someone that you feel you can live without???? dating a married man with young children is bad enough...thinking he will hang out another 15 years is just stupidity. within that time, his wife or children will find out, or he will find another woman, or he will see the error of his ways and work things out with his family--WITHOUT you. i mean, 15 YEARS? we could all be dead by then. all you did was roll over and say "sure, you can have my free p*ussy services for another 15 years." congratulations on selling yourself. and just like merin, i have no story. i just have an uncanny ability to spot things that are ridiculous...like oblivion.
Author CaughtUp Posted February 24, 2005 Author Posted February 24, 2005 He isn't getting any P*ssy services from me right now and sure the world could blow up in 10 min I can always change my mind. I have had the unfortunate chance of finding what I believe to be my soulmate and he happens to be married to someone else if I'm willing to wait to see how that works out I don't see why that makes you so angry. I know I can live without him my life doesn't depend on him but feels as thought would be improved with him. If he finds another woman then I would be proved wrong and maybe during this time I would find another man because I'm not a hermit. Is anyone telling Camilla that she was a stupid P*ssy selling service right now??? Sometimes you have to invest and trust your instints because great rewards involve great risk.
Devildog Posted February 24, 2005 Posted February 24, 2005 Oh, I'm sorry CaughtUp. Let me tell you what you want to hear. You just keep on waiting girl. You have the patience of a saint to wait around until you are both 80 and too senile to recognize each other. If only more poeple had your dedication (to someone else's husband) the world would be a better place. You keep on pining away. That's a good Camilla wannabe.
LadyRLD Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 CaughtUp. Why are you letting a man dictate your life? Do you want to wait for him? Why do you need him to tell you to move on when his actions are very clear? You have your own life. God Blessed you with the freedom to do with it as you wish. Do what makes you happy? Don't waste 15 years waiting for someone to keep stringing you along? Aren't you worth more than that? Isn't your life valuable to you? Why are you praying to this MM like he's your savior? Why are you giving him that kind of power over you? Let him go. Then if he comes back 15 years later, you got what you wanted. Or if he doesn't come back, at least you moved on and didin't waste your pretty years on a liar. It's a win win situation if you let him go on your terms. Tell him, you are moving on because you need to. You lose if you wait. You lose 15 years of your ever sooo precious life on a mere human being who is more confused than you are? I am just in tears that you are giving this man so much power and control over your mind. You need to take a break from him for a couple of months to step back and take a look at what you are doing to yourself.
LadyRLD Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Why do OW say that. If he was your Soulmate you wouldn't have to wait. He'd be with you bottomline. Nuff said. He's not your soulmate. His damn wife isn't even his soulmate or he wouldn't be cheating on her. He is a confused individual who wants to have his cake and eat it to. You see, he's trying to string you along for 15 years. If he even had an ounce of love for you, he would say Caughtup move on. I am unworthy of your presence. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You feed his ego. In his head he's saying. "I got my wife and I got this side chick who will wait her whole life for me. Boy am I the ****." He must be if you would put you would wait for him. After 15 years, he's just going to replace you with a younger side chick. Think about it!!!! YOU are YOUR OWN SOULMATE. He doesn't have a soul to begin with, if he did he wouldn't be stringing two women along. Wake up Caughtup!!!!!! No one here is trying to bash you or be mean to you. You are causing more pain to yourself than you ever know. We are trying to snap you out of it. But do what you want to do with your life. If you have time to wait then more power to you. If you want to look back on your life to see that all you did was wait for another woman's man ooops.....I mean your soulmate to be with you when he's old, used up and crusty, then I hope you can live with that. I would hope you want to look back on your life and say WOW, I am so glad I found my real Soulmate. Someone who can't wait to have me. Not someone who will make you wait to have them.
Author CaughtUp Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Are you a cheated on W/GF or an OW who has been left? I think you should read the other part of my thread before you start saying what is or isn't going on in my life because if you had then you would know that I'm not putting my life on hold and each of us has our own way of dealing with things and i tried the just moving on with no contact and it didn't work for me. It has to make sense in my mind to work for me; for me to be able to deal with it and be able to process it so right now hearing him say "I don't want you" would be very clear and something I could deal with. This limbo isn't. and before you get started the limbo has more to do with circumstances of distance not personal decisions(because of laziness on my part) I didn't type out the whole saga so you don't know anything of his actions. Where in this do you get that I'm praying to him? Maybe praying for him or to have him but not to him. I know for some people their lives work out just like a story book (or at least in some semblance of normalcy) but that hasn't been the case for me at any point so when I see a chance for happiness for myself am I willing to invest some time to see how that will work out? YES There is so much of the story that you don't know. Would that change your mind and make you see things my way? Probably not but it has formed my situation to what it is. Do you feel that 2 1/2 years and a child is enough of a break for me to know what I need to make it feel of to me? Do you know that I have a connection with him that rivals the one I have with my children? Do you know that I feel bad that I'm doing something I once felt was sooooo wrong but I have fought and prayed and done everything I know to get past it? But you go ahead and try to "snap me out of it" because everything you say is sooooo original too and its all stuff that I have neeevvverrr thought of . I'm not trying to be snide but come on do you think anyone makes the decision to wait on someone 15 years lightly? If he was going off to war or sick you would probably call me noble but because there is another person involved then you want to say 15 years is a waste of my time. Why? Consider this. What if I wait till his children are grown and we have no physical contact during allllll that time and he leaves his wife and we give it a go. How is that any different for me under the circumstances if I had never met him until 15 year from now and he and his W were divorced? Because I am going on with my life in every other way.
Author CaughtUp Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog Oh, I'm sorry CaughtUp. Let me tell you what you want to hear. You just keep on waiting girl. You have the patience of a saint to wait around until you are both 80 and too senile to recognize each other. If only more poeple had your dedication (to someone else's husband) the world would be a better place. You keep on pining away. That's a good Camilla wannabe. Not a Camilla wannabe I couldn't stand those ears just making the point that sometimes these things do work out and just because I'm not rich I shouldn't be slapped with the lable Free P*ssy D*ck Servicer! Especially seeings as how i'm not getting any!!
Devildog Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 But in your example, Camilla was an active OW in the picture. She wasn't waiting around for the kids to grow up and the guy to (hopefully) get a divorce. She was actively providing the services. No one here is trying to attack you. We are trying to offer advice that can help ease your suffering and avoid potential heartbreak. But the impression seems to be that you don't want to hear any of it. And for the record, I never labelled you "Free P*ssy D*ck Servicer"
kkat Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 CaughtUp, First of all, I'd like to encourage you to keep posting here and take advantage of the support, advice, and venting forum that you can receive here. I think some of the replies you've received have been well-intended and that they expressed alot of frustration for you and your situation, from a caring place. It's possible some of that frustration has been received by you in a way that made you feel a tad defensive or hurt. I started posting here a little over 13 months ago while involved for the second time in 12 years with the same MM. I was devasted, in that once previously he had left his wife, lived with me for three years, then left me to go back to his family. After years of no contact, I somehow fell into a relationship and into his lie pit again. I was seriously stuck, desperate, addicted to the relationship and seriously depressed. Some of the responses I received were very "tough love" in nature and delivery, but with a few radical exceptions, most people really wanted to help. I went from not being able to get out of bed, except to repeatedly call him and get dolled up to meet him every night, to ending the affair and finally moving on with respect and hope, and I owe so much of it to LS, truly. I had to recognize that if I were seeking honest advice, it wouldn't always be pretty or even easy to hear. I encourage you to just try to view the advice from a slightly different perspective. Enough about that. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you have been in this relationship so long, when it realistically shows very little chance of working out. I also think by you reaching out here, you are taking a strong and solid step towards exploring your freedom and the opportunities for you to move forward. Good for you! Yippee! Questions, if I may? How old are you? Is he around your age? Is the father of your child involved in your life and/or your child's life? Does your child know the MM? In what context? What work do you do for the MM's family? Do they know of your affair? Does his wife? Did she in the past? Do you know if he has had other affairs? Can you write a paragraph or two in your journal describing your ideal life with him? And the same amount describing your ideal life without him, perhaps with someone else? The goal here is to try to create a vision for yourself that you can move towards that doesn't revolve around him. This was really hard for me and I still work on mine - haven't gotten it too solid yet but it's getting there! Finally, would you consider doing some research online and/or buying some books on the topic of love addiction and seeing if you might recognize yourself in the patterns of this issue? Also, do you want to move on and be free of him, or is that not where you are right now? Good luck!
Author CaughtUp Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 First I will answer your questions I'm 32 and he is 30. The baby's father is a whole other drama as it stands now i have no help from him because he is an alcoholic (just like my mother) and I had to boot him out of my life for my sanity and safety. I have 3 kids and the older 2 kids have met the MM before just as "hey this is blah blah one of mommy's friends" very casual just like I would have one of my classmates or girl friends, but until I know where he is going to be in my life I won't drag them through that. His family owns a business and I help out there. I honestly don't know what they know a part of the converstation me and the MM need to have and the same goes for his W because a few years ago there was some drama with my H (now ex-H) and I don't know what was said, lied about, confessed to on the MM side. As far as other affairs when I get a chance to talk to him that will be one of the things I want to know because that will be one of the pieces that will tell the tale so to speak. Ok yes I know exactly what I want from him or any man. Yes, I've tried to move on I have the Frog list to prove it this why I have a life and I'm building something for myself for me and my kids this is just something that I HAVE to resolve. Do I want to be free of him NO because right now after years of uncertainty with no and I mean NO contact there seems to be a chance of something and I need to get to the end of this road so I can move on that is all I'm trying to get you all to understand. I have a very hmmmmm open mind and if we go on from here and at some point we end up friends and only friends that would be great because I love to talk to him I've never had anyone who could stimulate my mind the way he does. If we end up with a romantic relationship and I'm not his one and only that is fine too I just need to know that is where we are. I'm a big girl and I can live with my choices. Now would I love to have some big romantic ending were he comes running to me, tells me he left her and wants me needs me can't live without me and gives me a huge diamond ring and we have the wedding of my dreams and the honeymoon I never had and our kids love each other and his kids love me and my kids love him and his ex W and I bake cookies together and flowers fall from the sky while we make love on the beach? Sure I'm still a lovesick romantic 16 at heart but I wake up and join the real world. Checking to see if I answered everything...hmmm I just wanted to be able to talk to people in the same situation I have a ton of people (including my Right Brain) that tell me the pitfalls of this situation I just wanted to feed the side of myself that hurts and loves and dreams and hopes and cries and smiles and desires . I wish I could claim to be stupid then I could join the American way of saying hey its someone elses fault, I was too dumb to know better but nope I'm going into this Eyes Wide Shut
erika2610 Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Then you should ask him straight up where the relationship is going.. instead of waiting 15 years. Why let him control this whole thing? Leaving you just waiting?
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