An old, good friend got back in touch, we talked.. hinted at meeting.. then NOTHING?

[jenny_mac_85]

Hey guys,

 

I apologise if this is insanely long but I want to tell my story with abit of background so that I can hopefully get some advice from you all to put my mind at rest and get some closure. Here goes....

 

I had quite a close knit group of best friends (4 girls) we go way back, since high school and have been friends throughout high school and even through college when we all went off to separate campuses but always kept in touch, met up at Christmas, birthdays, etc, less freuqently but still were friends. I'd call them 'real' friends. This was my original group of best friends who know me very well since i was 11 years old, and I am now 26, i felt that these girls 'got' me

 

There were other people in my life that i would have hung out with now and then but they were merely college acqaintences, party buddys (people you just go out to clubs with but weren't close to) and work collegues who didnt know me that well but were friendly with me...but these girls and I were closer than that.

 

There were times when we would have been together alot- going out every weekend to clubs and bars and meeting up for lunches, going on day trips, constantly emailing and texings and chatting on social networking. And other times over the years when we were all at different colleges or some of the girls had boyfriends and I was single the meetings would have been less frequent but we remained in contact and met up every few months, texted always a 'happy birthday' or 'merry xmas' etc

 

Basically I then got a boyfriend (having been the single one of the group for years who just liked to party) I met this guy on a night out with the girls and subseuently got very involved with him, what started as a casual relationship that I didn't think would be serious became a long term relationship. yes i am guilty of putting all my eggs in one basket and spending all my free time with this guy and I started to drift away from the girls who were all single at the time. In the months prior to meeting my boyfriend I was out with the girls every week, very frequently as we were all single at the time and at that point closer than ever before. We had all returned home after time away from college and we were all back in the same place.

 

However, I want to point out at times over the years, as I mentioned above when my friends got boyfriends I would have been dropped like a hot potato- one of the girls met a boyfriend on a night out with me and I barely saw her for over a year (there were still texts etc and the odd lunch here and there but we did drift)

 

I didn't want to go out to nigthclubs with my single female friends when I had a boyfriend, i made the decision I'd rather spend time with him- go to the movies, go for romantic walks, etc all that couple stuff- as opposed to go out drinking until 3am with my single friends. And so we really drifted apart and I do take responsibility for that as they probably saw it as me ditching them for this guy.

 

Basically I drifted from the whole group though, not just one of the girls- ALL of them stopped talking to me- which makes me think the group must have conspired to each not talk to me. I think it started when I couldn't make it to one of the girls birthday partys as I had made plans with my boyfriend but i sent a card with best wishes but got no response and after that they seemed to cut me off completely

 

6 months went to a year- a year went to two- i was pretty much nearly 3 years of no contact with these girls and i was spending all my time with my bf but i did still miss them and i missed the female company (as I said before over the years when they had boyfriends we drifted a little but there was still friendly contact now and then, just meeting less freuently) but with me it was nothing for 3 years. there were times when i thought about them and laughed about the old times we'd shared and sometimes i was very tempted to break the ice and even send a casual 'how are you?' message but I chose not to because there were 3 of them who had eachother and only one of me and i didn't want to have the embarrassment of rejection.

 

Secondly, they had not deleted me from social networking sites and each kept me on their 'friends' lists despite not talking to me but they all pretty much ignored me on there, they'd never 'like' my pictures or statuses, especially none that involved me and my bf, and in the very beginning of us not talking they would childishly post up smiling pictures of the 3 of them together an awful lot, almost as if to say 'look how much fun we are having without you' and rubbing my nose in it. It seemed very deliberate.

 

Anyway, nearly THREE whole years years go by of no contact at all from any of them for the first time since I was 11 years old. And then suddenly i get a private message from one of the girls completely out of the blue- she'd chosen to break the ice and I was very glad to hear from her. it simply said ''hey jenny, how are you? we were all talking about old times we all shared and wanted to see how you were, hope you're well xx''

 

(notice she wrote 'we' ..meaning the 3 of them had conspired to not talk to me in the first place and now they had got together and thought 'let's see what jenny is up to' and talk to her again ...i was dubious at first and some family members told me to NOT reply because they just wanted to hear my business/what i was up to and were on a 'fishing' expedition for info and that then once they found out i wouldn't hear from them again. i recently kept a low profile on social networking (as I have grown to hate it) so they would have no real way of knowing what i was up to now and maybe just wondered.

 

BUT i decided to respond because she had taken the risk with me that I could ignore her and i admired that she'd broken the ice after so long. I wrote back and kept it very brief, told her i was indeed well that it was great to hear from her and I asked how they all were.. i didn't reveal any information I just kept it short but very polite and friendly. i didn't really expect a response but she wrote quite a long reply telling me what they were all up to, how they were all doing (a little bit bragging in tone if i'm honest, showing off a little because they were all doing wonderfully but it was a cheery message with smiley faces and kisses and i was glad we could be civil, catch up and break the ice after so long). I was then able to write back positive things about what i'm doing, that i have a new job which i told her all about, that i'm doing well (which I am) blah, blah, blah.. so I was glad that I was able to write something positive back- i didn't go into too much detail but gave her a little update.

 

we then exchanged friendly messages back and forth, joked about old times and then my friend mentioned 'we have to meet up!' SHE was the one to suggest this first, I was attempting to play it cool. She actually went further and said she missed me and she missed all the fun nights out she had specifically with me back in the day and she then said she would love to meet up for a drink and catch up. I was really happy to hear this- and perhaps I was a little too keen- because instead of just playing it cool and saying 'yes we must do that, keep me posted' i sounded very eager in my tone when i replied and even went as far as to give her my cellphone number, telling her to give me call/text message to arrange a meet up!! ....Was this a stupid thing to do??!! Suddenly after 3 years of no contact I get afew facebook messages and i'm jumping all over the possibility of meeting like i'm completely desperate! ..i just thought it would be cool to meet up and reminisce and i thought she seemed as keen as me. i went a little further by suggesting a place we could have drinks at (one of our old haunts from back in the day- maybe this was a little sentimental or suggested to her that i hadn't moved on!)

 

but guess what, surprise, surprise... SHE NEVER CALLED OR EVEN SENT A LITTLE 'HELLO' TEXT!!!! NOTHING! and i haven't heard from her at all since but i see from facebook she is in touch with everyone else, so she is alive! i sent her my number to arrange a date/time and NOTHING! i feel so insulted and stupid.

 

it's been quite a few months now since i sent the last message with my number in it. so i'm assuming she isn't going to get in touch now. and its not that i'm sitting around waiting (even though i've taken the time to write on here) i do have an active enough social life of my own, i am still with my bf after all this time and I work hard in a busy job but i just thought it would have been nice to meet and i thought she was sincere.

 

i guess the point to this rambling is really- WHY? why ask me to meet up? why say she missed me? ..i have bumped into casual 'friends' over the years who say 'we must meet up for coffee' and i know they don't meen it, it's just a think fake people say to be polite, but i genuinely thought with this girl being a really old good friend that she was being sincere, otherwise why bother getting in touch- was it just to hear my gossip and find out what i'm up to? were the 3 of them in the bar drinking or drunk when they wrote the messages to me? (they were sent late at night and i had visions of them sitting in the bar were we used to drink at messaging me from their cellphone after a drink or two 'for a laugh')

 

i know i'm over analysing this but i'd just like an outside opinion. and i am pretty much putting closure on the friendship, technically we are no longer friends and haven't been for 3 years so i'm just viewing it as an old friendship that faded (and that happens in life to everyone, no big deal) but it does hurt that they have all remained in touch to this day and shut me out when i was there for them when they got dumped and needed me and were single, and they too ignored me when they had relationships so it doesn't make sense that it could just be about my bf, they had eachother i guess they didn't need me- but why suggest meeting?! was it just to make a fool of me?! to see if i would be ready to jump? was i too keen? too desperate after all this time? i now feel SOOO stupid, especially as an 'in joke' of our group back in the day was about people/guys who ask for your number and never call.... was this deliberate? obviously i have not messaged her since and don't intend to but i've just been wondering why. maybe i took what she said too literally.

 

any input is appreciated, i'm sorry this was soooo long and badly written. i just feel so silly now for sending her my number!!

and i feel so rejected, it's like an ex-boyfriend saying 'hello' to me and me being deluded and thinking 'wow he must want me back' ...that's how pathetic i feel now after sending her my cell. we never offically fell out with eachother, we never had an argument and said 'i never want to hear from you again' and i think that's why it is annoying because we don't hate eachother, we didn't argue, we didn't ever officially end the friendship we just simply drifted and went off in different directions so that's why i saw no problem or weirdness in meeting up after so long, especially as we were once so close.

 

please advise- basically, WAS I STUPID/DESPERATE/TOO KEEN WHEN I SENT HER MY NUMBER?

 

please be as brutally honest as you wish!

 

thanking you all in anticipation....................................

[Sugarkane]

I've been in similar situations before too. I'm not sure what to say. I think a lot of people once they have a set group of friends, don't want to make any effort making/ keeping more.

[jenny_mac_85]

thanks for the response. yeh, i agree and i think in my case my old friends have eachother so they really don't need me. i just really regret sending her my number as i think it made me look desperate / too keen. even if she didn't want to reconnect in the form of meeting up she could have just dropped me a text to acknowledge the fact that i'd sent her my cell number, even out of politeness.. to just send nothing is really a huge kick in the teeth for me whether is was meant that way or not.

[preraph]

She probably saw you were on other people's Facebook and thought it would be rude to not friend you because you can see each other or something. Or she just wanted to say hi but her life is too involved to want to try to maintain an actual friendship, or another one or whatever. So it was one of those "let's have lunch" deals that no one usually means. But still, she thought enough of you to just say hi. I don't think you should do any follow-up though. It might be one of those deals where one day a few of the old gang decided to actually get together, and I bet you'd hear from them then.

 

As far as what you said about you all pretty much abandoning friends once you got boyfriends, to me that's a sign you weren't really that close. That's when I need my girlfriends the most to help steer me.

[jenny_mac_85]

thank you for the reply. we were already facebook friends for several years and used to communicate on there regularly (as well as in real life of course) we would post up photos of our trips together and our nights out, fun times etc. there are still old photos of me on her facebook, however i have really grown to dislike social networking now, i haven't posted on there in a couple of years now and keep a low profile, although i have still kept my account and didn't deactivate it (probably just out of sheer nosiness if i'm honest) we had been 'no contact' for a couple of years and then i get this private message out of the blue and we started chatting.

 

i guess i am guilty of taking her 'we must meet for a drink, i've missed you' offer far too literally! as i said before i know people always say things like 'we have to catch up sometime' just to be polite or fake when they have no intention of actually meeting but i really thought this was a genuine offer especially as this person was once one of my very best friends and not just an acquaintance.

 

**was i wrong to give her my cellphone number so eagerly?!

 

i assumed she genuinely wanted to re-connect, she made the effort to reach out to me and break the ice. in my mind giving her my number was the next step if she genuinely wanted to meet up and it made things a little more personal than just casually talking through facebook.

 

i feel very very silly now and i hate the thought of them laughing at me now or thinking i am desperate!

 

do you think the fact that she chose to not call or text at all was deliberate? like a way of deliberately snubbing me? because even if she didn't want to rush into organising a catch up meeting with me, she could have still sent a casual text even just to be polite and acknowledge the fact that i'd given her my number rather than just not replying at all and leaving the trial cold and me feeling very very silly and rejected- she obviously didn't want me to get her number in return

 

i can't shake the feeling of me being so stupid! And I keep thinking did she deliberately snub me by just not reply and not calling/texting either- if so this is pretty cruel! or did me sending her my number make her feel awkward that she didn't know what to do so did nothing?

Edited July 28, 2014 by jenny_mac_85

[Frank13]

I don't think she did this on purpose.

 

Sometimes when someone is out of your life for a while, you get used to them not being there. Then you may miss them so reach out. You want to know how they are doing. They respond and you decide to meet up. Then you start thinking that you haven't seen this person in so long and you really don't want them altering the life you have now (them calling you all the time, wanting to hang out a lot, etc), so you go decide that maybe it wasn't a good idea to contact them in the first place and you go NC.

 

Sometimes the contact after a long time is a form of closure which allows the old friend who contacted you to move on from the old friendship that no longer exists.

[ajheart]

She probably saw you were on other people's Facebook and thought it would be rude to not friend you because you can see each other or something. Or she just wanted to say hi but her life is too involved to want to try to maintain an actual friendship, or another one or whatever. So it was one of those "let's have lunch" deals that no one usually means. But still, she thought enough of you to just say hi. I don't think you should do any follow-up though. It might be one of those deals where one day a few of the old gang decided to actually get together, and I bet you'd hear from them then.

 

As far as what you said about you all pretty much abandoning friends once you got boyfriends, to me that's a sign you weren't really that close. That's when I need my girlfriends the most to help steer me.

 

Don't look too deep into it. Sometimes, loved ones will come back in your life just to reminisce about the good times. It's a good thing, as they still care enough about you to make that contact. If nothing else, treasure the good times you had together. It will always hold a special place in your heart.

[Sugarkane]

Sounds like a waste when Theres no betrayal involved.

[jenny_mac_85]

thanks for the replies, i think i need to just also go 'no contact' and not persue this any further, i haven't sent a follow up message or anything and i don't intend to chase it up

 

maybe if some day in the future i happened to bump into her i could bring up the subject of how we drifted and maybe, as another posted suggested above, if the old gang had some sort of reunion in the future i probably would hear from them again... but for now i guess i need to switch off and let this one go. at least she broke the ice and it means if i ever do bump into her i will know that i can speak to her and not feel awkward

 

the problem is i still do feel very humiliated that i sent her my number and got no reply..

 

i just don't get why people do this! i'm a pretty straight forward person, if i don't like someone or don't want them in my life i just won't bother with them. SHE reached out to me and went even further by suggesting meeting up, saying she missed me- then when i responded positively she just disappeared!

 

if i didn't want to re-connect with someone i simply would not suggest meeting! i might say 'hello' and ask how a person is/what they are up to now but i would only suggest meeting if i truly wanted to, not just for fake politeness. i don't understand why people say such things when they really don't mean them! i didn't think she was like that also.

 

i truly hoped she wanted to reconnect, oh well- maybe she was just being nosy!

[jenny_mac_85]

it's also sad for me because we didn't ever actually 'fall out' we just drifted and then so much time passed that it was awkward to try to re-connect. but there was no fight or argument and i no one said 'i never want to see you again' ...maybe that is why i thought we could just meet up and it would be like old times.

 

another thing that makes me upset is that over the years i have lost several friends, from whom a drifted from and i never actually fell out or fought with any of them we just literally moved in different directions