I broke it off, agonized, and now after a year, it's hard to tell where I stand.

[Missinphoenix]

About two years ago, 2 months after my high school graduation, I met this guy who I went to high shcool with, at a party. We'd never talked in school, he was in a band, and a "not so good boy", while I was in student council, and cheer, a goody goody to say the least. We hit it off right away, and were unseperable from that point on...

 

My living situation at that time was a very unhappy one, my roomate was always telling me what to do, and who I could and could not bring to the house. Needless to say, I made arangements to move out. Myself, my man, and his bandmates made plans to get a house together, which was probably mistake #1.

 

Like I said, he was in a band, and they practiced in one of the rooms in that house. His best friend was the lead singer, and from day one of moving in, he had it out for me, for no apparent reason.

 

There was always an after party after their shows at our house, well over 60, even 70 people every time. The lead singer soon started picking fights with me in the midst of these parties. Belittling me, in front of everyone, calling me undeserved names, and even bringing me to tears on few occations. My boyfriend would comfort me in our room while I was crying, but would never stand up for me EVER in front of his friend.

 

Soon, homelife was completely miserable for me, and rather than be at my own house while the band practiced, so to avoid his friend picking on me, my boyfriend would just have me go over to his other friend's place, whom I got along with, to chill and hang out until he was done with practice, then he would meet me, and we'd hang out there for awhile.

 

....excuse me as I back up the story for a moment...

 

My boyfriend had been curious about threesomes for a little while, not pushy, just curious. We discussed it, and decided we'd do it if we could both have one with the opposite sex (Me, him and another girl, and then me, him and another guy)

 

One night, me, my boyfriend, and his friend (the one that I chilled with while he was practicing), ended up really drunk and at his apartment. A game of truth or dare broke out, and eventually my boyfriend pulled me aside, and asked me if I wanted to try the threesome thing, that he trusted his friend with my body, and that he was drunk enough to where he wouldn't care too much about two guys in the bed. (He's not gay, really!) I said I was unsure about it, but then agreed.

 

We proceeded our game of drunken truth or dare, and then...mistake #2...my boyfriend dared me to kiss his friend. I had second thoughts, and was not going to do it, and his friend declined, but then after a few minutes of persuasion, and "it's a dare, you guys HAVE TO!" we did. It was one of the best kisses that I've ever recieved. (probably because it was unfarmiliar and I was drunk) It caught me totally off guard.

 

Well you can imagine what happened next. It was a first for all three of us, and we all regret it. Soon after that night, my boyfriend, (and I must add that I was very much in love with him) had practice once again, and he sent me over to his friend's place once again to hang out until he was done, and then would meet me there. Only, I didn't just go over and "hang out" in the living room. Yes, we did indeed end up in his bedroom. And that wasn't the only time. This went on for a few weeks, until the guilt overwhelmed me so much, that I just knew I had to end it between my boyfriend. So that is what I did, last superbowl, Feb. 2. We as we used to be were over that day.

 

He begged and pleaded to give us another chance, but I felt that if I could have feelings for another guy, that he was most definately not the one for me, reguardless of the love I still felt for him.

 

About two months after that, in April I was missing him so bad, and just wanted him and only him. After a month of trying to prove to him that it was more to me than just sex, he finally came around. We were on our way to a baseball game, and I decided to tell him exactly what had happened between his friend and I. Up until that point we'd denied it, and he had no idea. I didn't feel that we could continue or grow unless I was completely honest with him. After I told him, he lost it, he wasn't mad, he was devastated. He could not hold back his tears, and he turned the car around, and told me he was taking me back to my place, and that it was over. Now I was devastated, completely.

 

6 months later, we started becoming intimate again, and rebuilding trust, but I'm unsure of his true intentions, and even if he is the same, sweet gentle guy that he once was. I am completely aware by now that what we had is over. If we do work things out, that it will be a totally different relationship.

 

Here's the part that I'm struggling with. I got into a car accident about 2 months ago, uninsured, and chose to move to another state with my parents, in order to pay off the debt that I've aquired, and then go back home when I'm out of this money hole, probably about 4 more months.

 

Before I left, things between us were getting a lot better. He and his friend are still great friends, and we all still talk. Now that I'm gone, I'm unsure of what my ex is up to and what his real intentions are. He was not the type of person to get back at me because I hurt him, and I still don't think that he is.

 

The kicker: His friend (the one that I cheated on him with) and I still talk every day. He knows how I feel about my ex, but insists that he has changed, and is a "dog" now. Whenever I mention him, he gets upset, and tells me that he's the only one for me, and that my ex will never treat me the way that I deserve to be treated.

 

Well, what do you think? Is there any hope for my ex and I? Do I need to cut off contact with his friend (now one of my best friends), is it even worth it to hold on to this hope that I have? Should I just wait and see how things pan out until I get back home? I need advice really bad!

 

PS - Before I left, I finally built up the courage to talk to my ex about why I felt I had cheated on him. That I didn't feel supported when I lived with him, and our roomate picked fights with me. I told him that he did a good job comforting me after the fact, but that I needed more than that. I needed to feel worth a fight. I just wanted him to stand up for me, even if it was off to the side in privacy. I just wanted him to say something to his friend. I didn't care what! Just SOMETHING! His reaction to this conversation was like a lightbulb went off in his head, he had tears in his eyes, and I felt that he somewhat understood now.

 

About a week after that, at my going away party, my ex was standing next to me, and some dude blew smoke in my face, and it forced ash from my cigarrette to get into my eye. I "yelled" (not really yelled, it was more of a scold) at the the guy for doing that, then TOTALLY unexpected, my ex stepped in and forced the guy to apologize for hurting me. WOW! It blew me away, and I thanked him for doing it. He had a smile on his face, that was unexplanable, it was like through his eyes, he was saying, "See! I'm perfect for you now!" It was the best feeling.

 

Now I'm so far away, and it's hard because we're not together. He's on tour with his band, and I talk to him every once in a while, but I don't feel like I'm running through his mind all the time like he is in mine. His friend (the one that I cheated on him with) and I talk on the phone everyday, and he's always there for me. He's my comfort from back home when I'm homesick, and I don't want to cut off contact with him. BUT...I don't know how my ex will be able to trust me if I don't. But then I struggle with wondering if cutting off contact with him will make a difference, if my ex will even be mine when I get back! Ahh!

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm having fun out here, but I just can't wait to get back, and it's really hard to tell where I stand with him. Does this make sense? Am I just not seeing what his friend (the one I had the affair with) sees? Is he just saying that because he's in love with me? Any thoughts, advice, or rambles on the topic? ANYTHING would help! Thanks!

[Nick14]

First off, at least you understand your mistakes. Second, I think his friend is basically just saying crap about your ex just to keep things with you. When you brought up your ex, his friend got mad on the spot and got jealous. Hey, his friend should be lucky that your ex is still friends with him. Boy, if I knew my friend talked crap behind my back, I kick him where the sun don't shine. I bet your ex is the same person, just more cautious now. I wouldn't say your ex is a dog like his friend accused him of. I bet you anything, you move back and his friend is going to be expecting sex right off the bat. If you really do love your ex and want him back, show him and proove to him that the same situation won't happen again. Remember, words are words but actions speak louder then words. If you do want your ex back, cut all contact with his friend, cause all he is doing is making your ex look very very bad from my point of view. Remember, your ex cried and thats cause he loved you so much and cared for you so much, but also learned alot. Try to stay in contact with your ex, your ex seems l like a swell guy and just cause he didn't stand up for you, shouldn't change anything. Sometimes standing up for someone leads to fights and getting into fights are really stupid IMHO, but he was there for you when you cried, so give him credit. Its been a year, time for you to figure things out.

[Missinphoenix]

Thanks so much, Nick14!!! I really needed that boost! It's very hard to hear a billion negative things about my ex from his/my friend, and you're right, I think it is because he wants sex. What makes it even harder is that the friend tells me he loves me almost every day, and he knows how I feel about my ex...he just doesn't care. I think that I may need to just slowly cut off contact with him, because, again, you're right Nick14, how can I rebuild that trust that was lost, if I'm still in contact with the main reason that we split?!? Thanks for your input! You have no idea how much you helped me out! (Outside, unbiased opinions are always the sh*t)

[Nick14]

No problem, but its going to take awhile to rebuild what you and your ex had. Cutting out his friend is the best thing to do at the moment if you want your ex back. You want no distractions whatsoever, that will just offset everything again. Its like being friends again basically, back to basics, one day at a time. Stay in contact and if he needs time, give him that time.