smackie9 Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 . Divorce is just complicated with a mlllion dollar mortgage and two little ones. This is why there are LAWYERS to handle these things for you. I'd rather be living in a small basement suite happily enjoying my independence rather than chained to a dead marriage. 3
BlueIris Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 from some of the posts, it seems people think i am having the best of both worlds. there many reasons why i have chosen to separate under one roof. i did not see the reason to talk about my wifes verbal abuse towards me, the screaming, the narcissistic qualities of someone who is so self centered, during our therapy, the therapist dug into her childhood which uncovered a very dysfunctional family with child abuse, alcoholism, and other issues that i blame for her verbal abuse towards me. she stopped the therapy after two years once the therapist dug into her past and had her look inward. i live in a hell of a house with my only defense is to distance myself from her emotionally and physically so i don't get affected by the screaming and such, i never had this growing up and it affects me more than i think it does her. she seems to be able to scream and then the next minute be happy, whereas, if i scream, it takes the day at least to not be thinking about it. i just think some of these replies are not accurate. yes, i know the best thing for me to do is to get a divorce, but don't think that she is the onlhy victim here. So this is one of those "who's the (bigger) victim?" marriages. Kind of like your position re your "girlfriend"- it hurts you to think of her having sex with someone else. You created the triangle. Neither of them did. Have you filed for divorce yet? File for divorce or don't get jealous that your paramour has decided to look for the real thing. 2
Zahara Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 (edited) from some of the posts, it seems people think i am having the best of both worlds. there many reasons why i have chosen to separate under one roof. i did not see the reason to talk about my wifes verbal abuse towards me, the screaming, the narcissistic qualities of someone who is so self centered, during our therapy, the therapist dug into her childhood which uncovered a very dysfunctional family with child abuse, alcoholism, and other issues that i blame for her verbal abuse towards me. she stopped the therapy after two years once the therapist dug into her past and had her look inward. i live in a hell of a house with my only defense is to distance myself from her emotionally and physically so i don't get affected by the screaming and such, i never had this growing up and it affects me more than i think it does her. she seems to be able to scream and then the next minute be happy, whereas, if i scream, it takes the day at least to not be thinking about it. i just think some of these replies are not accurate. yes, i know the best thing for me to do is to get a divorce, but don't think that she is the onlhy victim here. Your situation isn't unique and neither are your excuses. My gf is involved with a married. And for 10 years, his excuses are -- we're separated, we don't have sex, she's a monster, she'll kill herself, divorce is hard, my money, my houses, my boat, my kids -- blah, blah. My aunt was involved with a married man and for 6 years she waited through all the same excuses. Your excuses are no different from most married men that want to have their little safety blanket and a bit on the side to help them escape from their so-called miserable life. Give me a break. Moan and groan about how incredibly dysfunctional she is, poor me -- then do something about it. And children function much better with parents that are apart and happy versus parents that are together and miserable. Edited July 24, 2014 by Zahara 6
isisisweeping Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Does your wife know you're not together and that you have a girlfriend? If not, then it's you're fault and recognize your girlfriend will not be there much longer. She's finding an emotional out and if you don't quickly make a move it's all gone.. If she does, time to move out! No reason to stay living in the same house like you've been doing it; it's NOT better for the kids and it's about to blow your life up. And regardless of what your girlfriend is doing you have too much going on to be tinking about dating others, too. 2
Author Lostman5 Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 Why does it sound so easy to forget about dating, finish the divorce, get yourself settled then date. Most here agree that is the path I need to take. What if you love someone? What if you need love in your life since the wife hasn't given you any love physical or emotional for 7 years. We stopped having sex because of me holding onto her verbal abuse and just not wanting her. I know I need to fix this before I get involved. But when nice girls and women want to be close. My natural need seems to let them in, even if just emotionally.
Elle1975 Posted July 25, 2014 Posted July 25, 2014 I'm going to tell you what not a lot of men like to hear; you make me think about my dad. He had excuses after excuses about why he was so miserable, what a victim he was, and how my mother was so abusing. He told me things like "I am staying for you guys" when I clearly wasn't in age of hearing that, and it clearly wasn't what we needed. They were "separated" for many years too, sleeping in different beds. I wish he would have just left many years before he did, and left us alone. And she's not your girlfriend, she's your mistress. You're not dating, you're cheating, and lying on top of it, because you are not available. Get a divorce or be faithful. 4
preraph Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 It doesn't sound like you even want her bad enough to get divorced and move out from your wife, so she's stupid even for continuing to see you at all after three years of this. This isn't her issues, it's yours. I hope she meets someone who'll make her their priority and do her right, and she probably will. And then she'll forget all about you except for how much time she wasted. If I were her, I wouldn't have you even if you left your wife because you slept with other women for at least three years of your marriage. P.S. Staying "for the kids" isn't any excuse. It does them more harm than good to have parents who don't get along and a dad who cheats. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 Divorce is just complicated with a mlllion dollar mortgage and two little ones. Old joke: Q - Why is divorce so expensive? A - Because it's so worth it! Never more true than in your case. Take it from someone who's been there, open the checkbook and get on with your life. No ever died wishing for a larger bank balance and you've already given away 7 years of your life you'll never get back. You're wasting an awful lot of precious time... Mr. Lucky 2
compulsivedancer Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 The girlfriend already told you what she needs from you, and it isn't dating other people. Either do what she asks or let her go and get back to your family. Pick one and commit to it. It doesn't have to be the wife, and it doesn't have to be the girlfriend. It can be either or none - it just can't be both. It's time: choose.
HereNorThere Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 So just so I'm clear, your girlfriend has decided to see other people because you are married and will not leave your wife? Yeah, she's definitely selfish, do the 180, NC, make her get into therapy.. OR YOU COULD STOP DOING THE SAME EXACT THING OR WORSE TO HER! Smh.. Srsly? 4
thummper Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 Don't understand the problem. You say you're working on your divorce. Have you filed? What's the hold up??? You better get moving on this or your girlfriend is eventually going to move on. 1
aliveagain Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 You need to pull your head out of your a$$ and do the right thing. Your still living in a cheaters world where everything is rainbows and fluffy bunny rabbits. Your world is crashing down around you and you need to decide which one is more important to you, you can't have both. You need to get yourself into a good head space and the only way to do that is with some independent counselling with someone that specializes in infidelity. No relationship will work out for you until you do. 1
lolablue17 Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 Well, everything here is On the table. You're delaying the divorce, Your GF wanted to give you an ultimatum - but she is too nice to act with an ultimatum, and she probably loves you very much So she suggested the "dating with others" free pass. She only does it as a hint for you to start the divorce. But you don't get any of her hint. you play dumb. So I'll tell you the situation straightforward - The "dating free pass" includes sex and maybe feelings. So it's either you move your butt and start the divorce, or you will lose her. Got it? And come on... you're not the only person in the world who divorce with children and mortgage. It's not easy but it's very common. I'm warning you - You are going to lose your GF if you don't bla bla bla.... 3
Author Lostman5 Posted July 26, 2014 Author Posted July 26, 2014 GF has decided to let us stay close for now while I get my life together. I have seen a divorce attorney already and have the paperwork. Took a week separation and left town but had to return for work reasons. Financially not quite ready to go rent a apartment but that is the next plan. I like all the straight forward advice but why is it so cold? I realize what is going on isn't ideal but it doesn't mean people aren't suffering. I am feeling frantic and so hurt by all this and so is everyone else involved.
Tbisb74 Posted July 26, 2014 Posted July 26, 2014 GF has decided to let us stay close for now while I get my life together. I have seen a divorce attorney already and have the paperwork. Took a week separation and left town but had to return for work reasons. Financially not quite ready to go rent a apartment but that is the next plan. I like all the straight forward advice but why is it so cold? I realize what is going on isn't ideal but it doesn't mean people aren't suffering. I am feeling frantic and so hurt by all this and so is everyone else involved. The reason we're not very sympathetic is because you don't deserve the sympathy. I'm sorry, but you don't. You have mis-managed this whole situation, yet still to your advantage. Of the three "protagonists" (not counting your children, for the present) the one who has benefited most from this arrangement, has been you. If you can't see that, then you have a problem. Your wife may be the Last of the Screaming Banshees - but you have done nothing to protect your children from this atmosphere, or take them away from it. Because all the while, you actually put your own feelings and needs above theirs. You MUST have, or the living arrangements would have changed. Your GF seems, by your own words, to be cruel, thoughtless and selfish, by laying an ultimatum at your feet - but given that you've been dragging them all along, meanwhile having a nice comfy woman to have sex with, when YOU have deigned to find, and give her the time, it's really not surprising she's lost patience. And she has been, very patient. So finally, it seems because we have not so much as pricked your conscience, but hit it skilfully with a 15lb sledgehammer, you've decided to now do something. It's a pity it's taken a forum-ful of members to get your arse in gear, isn't it? Particularly when I believe what you were actually looking for - and expecting to find - was support for your position, and criticism of your GF. Nice chap you are. Hence, the 'cold'. Hopefully, that explains it..... 6
compulsivedancer Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 GF has decided to let us stay close for now while I get my life together. I have seen a divorce attorney already and have the paperwork. Took a week separation and left town but had to return for work reasons. Financially not quite ready to go rent a apartment but that is the next plan. I like all the straight forward advice but why is it so cold? I realize what is going on isn't ideal but it doesn't mean people aren't suffering. I am feeling frantic and so hurt by all this and so is everyone else involved. You've posted in the infidelity sub-forum and you don't answer questions about whether your wife is aware she is separated or getting a divorce. So they are treating you as a WS (an unremorseful one) gets treated. If in fact your wife is aware and complicit in the situation, you will get much more sympathetic reactions. If not, well, what you're getting is quite mild. 3
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 The reason we're not very sympathetic is because you don't deserve the sympathy. I'm sorry, but you don't. You have mis-managed this whole situation, yet still to your advantage. Of the three "protagonists" (not counting your children, for the present) the one who has benefited most from this arrangement, has been you. If you can't see that, then you have a problem. Your wife may be the Last of the Screaming Banshees - but you have done nothing to protect your children from this atmosphere, or take them away from it. Because all the while, you actually put your own feelings and needs above theirs. You MUST have, or the living arrangements would have changed. Your GF seems, by your own words, to be cruel, thoughtless and selfish, by laying an ultimatum at your feet - but given that you've been dragging them all along, meanwhile having a nice comfy woman to have sex with, when YOU have deigned to find, and give her the time, it's really not surprising she's lost patience. And she has been, very patient. So finally, it seems because we have not so much as pricked your conscience, but hit it skilfully with a 15lb sledgehammer, you've decided to now do something. It's a pity it's taken a forum-ful of members to get your arse in gear, isn't it? Particularly when I believe what you were actually looking for - and expecting to find - was support for your position, and criticism of your GF. Nice chap you are. Hence, the 'cold'. Hopefully, that explains it..... Hear hear! 2
No Limit Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 GF has decided to let us stay close for now while I get my life together. I have seen a divorce attorney already and have the paperwork. Took a week separation and left town but had to return for work reasons. Financially not quite ready to go rent a apartment but that is the next plan. I like all the straight forward advice but why is it so cold? I realize what is going on isn't ideal but it doesn't mean people aren't suffering. I am feeling frantic and so hurt by all this and so is everyone else involved. Because people in this forum are trying to give sincere advice, and the vast majority of people who come here don't have the guts to do anything so we give them a swift club to the forehead/boot to the butt/etc which they need. You'd still be moaning about your oh so hopeless situation if all we posted was "Aww c'mon, everything's going to be fine xoxoxo" 1
BlueIris Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 GF has decided to let us stay close for now while I get my life together. I have seen a divorce attorney already and have the paperwork. Took a week separation and left town but had to return for work reasons. Financially not quite ready to go rent a apartment but that is the next plan. I like all the straight forward advice but why is it so cold? I realize what is going on isn't ideal but it doesn't mean people aren't suffering. I am feeling frantic and so hurt by all this and so is everyone else involved. Because you're an adult making decisions that affect many many other people including your children, and as their father you are responsible for your children's long term well-being more than your short-term discomfort. All parents are. If you are frantic and hurt by the decisions you've made, perhaps go into counseling to assist you in managing your personal feelings while you go through the divorce. You will likely make better decisions in the divorce if you have a counselor helping with the emotions. 1
smackie9 Posted July 27, 2014 Posted July 27, 2014 Because you're an adult making decisions that affect many many other people including your children, and as their father you are responsible for your children's long term well-being more than your short-term discomfort. All parents are. If you are frantic and hurt by the decisions you've made, perhaps go into counseling to assist you in managing your personal feelings while you go through the divorce. You will likely make better decisions in the divorce if you have a counselor helping with the emotions. I agree counseling is in order. Time to pull your head out of the sand. 1
Author Lostman5 Posted July 27, 2014 Author Posted July 27, 2014 Because people in this forum are trying to give sincere advice, and the vast majority of people who come here don't have the guts to do anything so we give them a swift club to the forehead/boot to the butt/etc which they need. You'd still be moaning about your oh so hopeless situation if all we posted was "Aww c'mon, everything's going to be fine xoxoxo" Thanks for this. I understand that point but some if these posts sound like people venting to me because they got the raw end if the deal previously. Calling me names isn't constructive.
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