Hope Shimmers Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 purplesorrow, I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I just wanted to say that you are so strong and wise. It must be very hard for you at this point. I hope that what has happened will result in a marriage stronger and affair-proof in the future for you both. It sounds like he is thrilled that he has a second chance and after all that you both have been through, he must really, really appreciate what he almost lost. I wish you happiness, no matter what you decide to do. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted July 23, 2014 Author Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) He its a free man now. Grew from himself and now has the ability to go out and enjoy life! Ah the bliss of abundance! Best realize for yourself lest yr get left behind! I have no Idea what this means! @Hope, thank you very much. Oddly enough, this is one thing I do not feel wise about. Peace to you Edited July 23, 2014 by purplesorrow
mikethemechanic Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 What is the recommendation based on? Everyone's experience is different. Are you limiting mine based on yours? Very curious, thanks.yes. Xww was philanderer... I always took her back... Her dad had committed suicide when she was 14 so this acting out became the official "give you a pass" get out the dog house routine. Drama and water works could have qualified her for an oscar- then it was my friend's excuse routine... My girlfriends cheat on their men therefore I felt coerced too cheat as we'll and now that I know that they influenced me into the affair I'm eliminating our friendship! The best was the rape excuse that happened twice and mind you the only reason I learned of it is when I discovered seminal stains on her panties... 2nd incident my best friend confessed and apologized for having had an affair with her. Too this day she has never given me any details of the rape or pressed charges. No I never did believe that people are capable of change... Yes it's based on my experience with people starting back when I was a junior officer... My boss was an idealist needless to say the two of us didn't get along... He didn't like my go where the fishes are routine he called it " stereotyping" to give you an example of my "stereotyping" I'd go to gay cruising zones because meth and gay cruising can be paired and I made a lot of arrests. Point being you can't understand a phenomena unless you have another phenomena to compare it to this is a process of thinking not stereotyping.
HereNorThere Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 Nearly everyone finds god in prison, even the re-offenders. Be careful out there and remember that he's already admitted that he's been a liar his whole life, so I doubt that will change overnight. 1
gettingstronger Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 I get you! We are 18 months past dday and my husband has been doing so much work on himself and our marriage- I really appreciate all of his hard work and particularly his honesty in our MC sessions- he has cried, shook and vomited as he came face to face to what he did-that takes a lot of courage- While there were many good reasons to marry him, the main reason was his honesty and integrity- those two traits he is working on but in lots of ways have been forever tarnished in my eyes- he is indeed a damaged person that did so wrong- I believe in redemption and I love him dearly so we continue with reconciliation- I think the hardest thing for me is that our marriage has changed-although it may be ideal to others to have a husband that checks in regularly, showers me with affection and attention, etc... that was not what I wanted out of marriage when I signed on for it- I wanted honesty, integrity and a true partnership (which I admit we do have now)- I am quite sure I am not conveying what I am trying to say correctly but hopefully some place in there you understand- Mike- I do worry that you are a law enforcement officer-the fact you do not believe in redemption and change is scary because if you are in the US thats a large component of our criminal justice system- putting it another way- I teach and if I did not believe that every child has the ability to learn regardless of past and current circumstances and behavior I would be doing them a great disservice- KWIM?
todreaminblue Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) whatever reason transparency has come into your relationship, i am happy for you that it has, deception is such a killer lies deceit, i am not in a relationship but when i do i want transparency adn would give that transparency back, i dont put a lock on my phone now and wouldnt in a relationship i have nothing i need to hide from anyone.... when my ex had an affair .......i cant explain what i felt......dont really want to remember or feel it again.....ever nearly killed me.....the coldness the numbness...yep stopping now.........our relationship didnt survive.i just couldnt fight for it to survive anymore...because he never really did it was all me who battled ......i am happy that yours did survive.......like the other poster said i think to he is showing true remorse....and having a gps tracker on a phone isnt such a bad thing for loved ones looking out for each others feelings and personal safety.....i was thinking about getting one for myself so people i care about will know where i am ......if something bad happens then they know my last spot i was at and wont panic if i keep in contact ......when i have like gone off radar for a couple of hours, my family and friends they worry ..i dotn find caring abotu soemones whereabouts an invasion or cop like....because i often attract people in trouble......or find troubled people......and risky people....they dont have as much faith as i do that i will be ok..that god guides me to where i need to be..i think what your husband has done is a beautiful thing, that he is expressing his feelings and realizing what he almost lost is so positive that it wasnt too late...you are a strong woman to take him back.....i could never take my ex back...too many times I forgave and i fought for so long..about 14 years worth ... and he is much too late......but for you i see light...........i wish you well purple, i really do......hugs...deb Edited July 23, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
mikethemechanic Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 I get you! We are 18 months past dday and my husband has been doing so much work on himself and our marriage- I really appreciate all of his hard work and particularly his honesty in our MC sessions- he has cried, shook and vomited as he came face to face to what he did-that takes a lot of courage- While there were many good reasons to marry him, the main reason was his honesty and integrity- those two traits he is working on but in lots of ways have been forever tarnished in my eyes- he is indeed a damaged person that did so wrong- I believe in redemption and I love him dearly so we continue with reconciliation- I think the hardest thing for me is that our marriage has changed-although it may be ideal to others to have a husband that checks in regularly, showers me with affection and attention, etc... that was not what I wanted out of marriage when I signed on for it- I wanted honesty, integrity and a true partnership (which I admit we do have now)- I am quite sure I am not conveying what I am trying to say correctly but hopefully some place in there you understand- Mike- I do worry that you are a law enforcement officer-the fact you do not believe in redemption and change is scary because if you are in the US thats a large component of our criminal justice system- putting it another way- I teach and if I did not believe that every child has the ability to learn regardless of past and current circumstances and behavior I would be doing them a great disservice- KWIM? my boss thought like that he was a born again Christian and an ex-gay but through his church he changed all that. Remember years ago he sat in front of me preaching morality. So I asked him have you changed? "Entirely" was his response some years after he had retired he was found at the gay bar dressed in hula skirt and wearing a bra. Where I'm from that kind of behaviour was not tolerated... I tell this story because all through out the time working under him he used to say "we are more than just night watchmen! He literally believed he had changed his sexuality the thing is I never did have issue with his sexuality.
HereNorThere Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 my boss thought like that he was a born again Christian and an ex-gay but through his church he changed all that. Remember years ago he sat in front of me preaching morality. So I asked him have you changed? "Entirely" was his response some years after he had retired he was found at the gay bar dressed in hula skirt and wearing a bra. Where I'm from that kind of behaviour was not tolerated... I tell this story because all through out the time working under him he used to say "we are more than just night watchmen! He literally believed he had changed his sexuality the thing is I never did have issue with his sexuality. I get what you're saying, but using religion to try and change your biology is a little bit different than growing and becoming a better person after doing something wrong. I am absolutely appalled at some of things I have done in my life, but sometimes I had to learn and grow before I could fully comprehend and appreciate the absurdity of my behavior. Are you the exact same person you were 10 years ago? Have you not grown wiser over the years? 3
mikethemechanic Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I get what you're saying, but using religion to try and change your biology is a little bit different than growing and becoming a better person after doing something wrong. I am absolutely appalled at some of things I have done in my life, but sometimes I had to learn and grow before I could fully comprehend and appreciate the absurdity of my behavior. Are you the exact same person you were 10 years ago? Have you not grown wiser over the years? How have I changed In the last 10 years? My memory has become worse I doubt that I become smarter... I do have a lot of regret such as meeting my ex-wife. Regret being blind fully sympathetic towards her behaviour. Haven't grown any but I am still the same height so I haven't shrunk either lol.
HereNorThere Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 How have I changed In the last 10 years? My memory has become worse I doubt that I become smarter... I do have a lot of regret such as meeting my ex-wife. Regret being blind fully sympathetic towards her behaviour. Haven't grown any but I am still the same height so I haven't shrunk either lol. Sorry to hear that.
mikethemechanic Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I get you! We are 18 months past dday and my husband has been doing so much work on himself and our marriage- I really appreciate all of his hard work and particularly his honesty in our MC sessions- he has cried, shook and vomited as he came face to face to what he did-that takes a lot of courage- While there were many good reasons to marry him, the main reason was his honesty and integrity- those two traits he is working on but in lots of ways have been forever tarnished in my eyes- he is indeed a damaged person that did so wrong- I believe in redemption and I love him dearly so we continue with reconciliation- I think the hardest thing for me is that our marriage has changed-although it may be ideal to others to have a husband that checks in regularly, showers me with affection and attention, etc... that was not what I wanted out of marriage when I signed on for it- I wanted honesty, integrity and a true partnership (which I admit we do have now)- I am quite sure I am not conveying what I am trying to say correctly but hopefully some place in there you understand- Mike- I do worry that you are a law enforcement officer-the fact you do not believe in redemption and change is scary because if you are in the US thats a large component of our criminal justice system- putting it another way- I teach and if I did not believe that every child has the ability to learn regardless of past and current circumstances and behavior I would be doing them a great disservice- KWIM? no criminals aren't in jail because they're unfree they are there because they're to free.
gettingstronger Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 no criminals aren't in jail because they're unfree they are there because they're to free. Besides the fact that does not even make sense, it misses the point- a major component in our criminal justice system is redemption-the others are punishment, treatment, determent, etc.... I just don't understand how you can not believe in a major component of your job-
Hope Shimmers Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 no criminals aren't in jail because they're unfree they are there because they're to free. You are a law enforcement officer? That is frightening. What does this even mean? I read the whole thread. This makes no sense, even besides the grammatical errors. 2
mikethemechanic Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 no criminals aren't in jail because they're unfree they are there because they're to free. Besides the fact that does not even make sense, it misses the point- a major component in our criminal justice system is redemption-the others are punishment, treatment, determent, etc.... I just don't understand how you can not believe in a major component of your job- Because Symbolic words Like redemption, punishment, treatment, detergent, have no independent value none what so ever!
gettingstronger Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Detergent???? Anyway, OP sorry to go far OT. I hope that each day you feel a bit better and that you are not deterred by those with little faith in humanity. You are strong and wonderful and I wish you the best. 1
DasPope Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 In the last few weeks he installed a new gps on his phone, the damn thing sends me an email and picture of his whereabouts every thirty minutes! That's slightly over the top, what I was getting is similar although not from any app. Whenever I was out of town (which is weekly) my wife started to call me constantly to tell me minor mundane things about her whereabouts and plans. I mean she would call 6-7 times a day. After a few weeks it was me that started to feel stalked. I had to tell her to cut it out and relax. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 yes. Xww was philanderer... I always took her back... Her dad had committed suicide when she was 14 so this acting out became the official "give you a pass" get out the dog house routine. Drama and water works could have qualified her for an oscar- then it was my friend's excuse routine... My girlfriends cheat on their men therefore I felt coerced too cheat as we'll and now that I know that they influenced me into the affair I'm eliminating our friendship! The best was the rape excuse that happened twice and mind you the only reason I learned of it is when I discovered seminal stains on her panties... 2nd incident my best friend confessed and apologized for having had an affair with her. Too this day she has never given me any details of the rape or pressed charges. No I never did believe that people are capable of change... Yes it's based on my experience with people starting back when I was a junior officer... My boss was an idealist needless to say the two of us didn't get along... He didn't like my go where the fishes are routine he called it " stereotyping" to give you an example of my "stereotyping" I'd go to gay cruising zones because meth and gay cruising can be paired and I made a lot of arrests. Point being you can't understand a phenomena unless you have another phenomena to compare it to this is a process of thinking not stereotyping. Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for what you have gone through. Just as your experiences have taught people don't change, mine has shown me they can and do. I have volunteered since I was in my teens (feels so long ago!). I have seen people rise to the occasion countless times to be better human beings and live different and better lives. I've changed myself, so I do believe it can be done. Peace to you. 2
BetrayedH Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Thank you for sharing. I am very sorry for what you have gone through. Just as your experiences have taught people don't change, mine has shown me they can and do. I have volunteered since I was in my teens (feels so long ago!). I have seen people rise to the occasion countless times to be better human beings and live different and better lives. I've changed myself, so I do believe it can be done. Peace to you. So perhaps there's not so much shame in accepting your husband back into your life. If he has indeed changed, then you're not shamefully accepting a cheater back into your life but someone different entirely. Some people talk about the old marriage being dead after infidelity. In my early days, I tended not to buy into that thought process. But I'm starting to buy into it more. So, this 'new' man you're dating, do you think he might be marriage material? 2
Author purplesorrow Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 So perhaps there's not so much shame in accepting your husband back into your life. If he has indeed changed, then you're not shamefully accepting a cheater back into your life but someone different entirely. Some people talk about the old marriage being dead after infidelity. In my early days, I tended not to buy into that thought process. But I'm starting to buy into it more. So, this 'new' man you're dating, do you think he might be marriage material? Ha! That is to be determined. . It's only been one date, he was very nervous. Maybe he won't like the changes I've made? You never know. As far as my old marriage, it is completely dead. That is why we aren't doing mc right now, it will just be rehashing the past.. And for what? We both know where we each went wrong. I think all of the IC we have both had has made us both candidates to be better partners. We have opted for a program that teaches how to build a strong marriage. 2
DKT3 Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Wow! This describes it perfectly. I didn't think he would do even a fraction of what he has done. I do think he will be a great partner now. I just have to get the courage to really allow him to. How were you able to do that? For me it was knowing that no matter the outcome I can find my happiness. I think another reason was the fact that Lovin knew and understood how she got to the point were she felt it was ok, and knowing the steps to reverse her course in the future. Losing me can't be her motivation to stay faithful, I'm guessing that over the next 25 years I will p*ss her off, much like I have in the past 24. Its at those points that what she has learned will come into play. Its also in those moments that losing me wouldn't seem so earth shaking. 2
beatcuff Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 back to OP: anyone get the feeling this is over the top. almost like he knows he will do it again unless he is being watched --- like a toddler. like he does not trust himself. OP are there any other indications of failing 'adult' responsibilities --- did he declare bankruptcy or have multiple DUI's. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 back to OP: anyone get the feeling this is over the top. almost like he knows he will do it again unless he is being watched --- like a toddler. like he does not trust himself. OP are there any other indications of failing 'adult' responsibilities --- did he declare bankruptcy or have multiple DUI's. Did you not read the post? Yes, I think it is a bit much. This is the kind of thing all the infidelity books tells him a WS needs to do to make a bs feel safe. He is learning to trust himself just like I am. Change takes time. If this is what HE needs to find security in setting new boundaries, so be it. Again for me, a bit much and not needed. No dui, no bankrupcy. 1
gettingstronger Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Purple- I think it comes down to we want our old life back without the infidelity-we want the safety we once felt- we want to be us again- Its a tough road- I give both you and your husband credit- we are in the same boat and I know how incredibly difficult it is- 2
beatcuff Posted July 25, 2014 Posted July 25, 2014 Did you not read the post? ... He is learning to trust himself ...If this is what HE needs to find security .... i did read the thread... twice. the question is what YOU need. i fear this is so over the top i would be suspicious he is doing it to distract you. oh GPS on the phone --- joke, just leave the phone at the office/gym, while out. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted July 25, 2014 Author Posted July 25, 2014 (edited) i did read the thread... twice. the question is what YOU need. i fear this is so over the top i would be suspicious he is doing it to distract you. oh GPS on the phone --- joke, just leave the phone at the office/gym, while out. Right, but as I said before, the books and his therapist think this kind of thing makes a bs feel safer. For me, it does not. It is a false sense of security, anything can be worked around. As I have said before, he is either going to do right by me and us or he is not. What I need is for him to be an authentic grown up, only time will tell if he'll live up to that or not, if the changes he has made are real and true or not. No amount of checking up would ever prove that. It will only take 30 days to be free if he hasn't really changed. And as for your joke, leaving the phone is for amateurs . GPS can be worked around like everything else. Edited July 25, 2014 by purplesorrow 4
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