clynn Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I dated a guy for about a month or so. It was really fun, we enjoyed each other's company, more or less. For me though it felt like "too much, too soon" - I found it odd to all of a sudden commit to one person, even though there wasn't anyone else or that I was even interested in looking for anyone else, I liked him. I think I just would have preferred it to have been "looser" at the start, without the rules or expectations,... early to expect a certain amount of time, etc. And I can't really blame him, I think it was just what happened between teh two of us. We both really just kinda freaked a bit and then it ended. But agreed we are attracted and like each other, but there was something we couldn't quite pinpoint that frustrated / confused us both. The pace, the timing, the....? ? I've had lots of short lived relationships and play my cards really close to my chest so haven't really been too good on the communication front to be perfectly honest. Anyhow, we haven't seen or talked to each other at all. However, we belong to a club together and will be working a volunteer shift together coming up. Before that happens, I might see him at a larger social event. I don't necessarily think that he and I should date again. But I do like him and being friends is great, since it was short lived, I think this is possible, especially considering we will encounter each other at the club we're both involved with. But I'm still nervous? And concerned about the awkwardness? Yuck!
westernxer Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 You want some valium, just in case? Just kidding.
Author clynn Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 that's it??? No advice, huh? Yuck.
westernxer Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Okay, okay... I think Xanax is the better option. Actually, I don't envy the position you're in. Only thing I can compare it to is the first roller coaster you've ever ridden... you know, the one that takes forever to reach the top. You think it's not that big of a deal, until you go over the hump. That's when you realize... Too late. Your heart is trapped in the pit of your stomach. Even worse... it's lodged in your throat. Then you scream. Then the ride's over. I don't know what else to say, but I gotta hand it to you for being professional in your approach to this fateful encounter. I'm sure you'll be fine. Just make sure you look good. And dress sexy.
Author clynn Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 hot. aaaah. now you brought up what to wear. yikes. Ummm, wonder if i should to bring date to social event. . .
HotCaliGirl Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 No, I don't think you should bring a date to the social event. You should approach him and talk casually. I think by moving too fast, there was too much pressure and it didn't feel right, so talk to each other as just friends and have FUN without getting stressed out and nervous. Maybe have a shot of tequila? One way not to feel awkward is if you have a sense of humor about the whole thing. I think if the two of you have a small laugh about it, you can put it behind you and develop a friendship at least at the club, and maybe down the line when you've spent more time in a friendly environment, can start dating again if it feels right. If your communication skills are lacking, you might have difficulty commenting on the dating that went sour, so maybe a valium will help loosen things up? j.k.
westernxer Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Caligirl's right. Don't bring a date. Just view it as a rite of passage you have to go through alone, like birth and death. You'll be much stronger for it. Of course, what if you come alone and he doesn't? (Just thought I'd stir up the pot some more. I couldn't resist)
glitter-gal Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I would go for the strong independant woman attitude, just remember to be feminine enough to exude some of that hot mama/ sex kitten/ godess aura that attracted him to you in the first place.
Author clynn Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Thanks, guys. Hmmmm, I dunno what sex kitten he saw that attracted him to me in the first place, but I'll try. Yah, actually it might feel odd to bring a date. I guess I just (thanks for reinforcing my parranoia western...) .... get concerned that he might bring a date and I want to preempt him. Okay, yah, maybe it is a good thing. he's one of these open book people that lets everyone know what is going on with him and his life. and I completely am not. So as far as the club is concerned I don't know who knows what in terms of our have dated. I've said nothing. Well it is at least a week of or so, though maybe this weekend I'll see him at a clean up event but I don't think (hope) so. I think after we stopped dating I kinda thought / hoped / mused about the fact that maybe he would just drop out of the club so he wouldn't have to see me. But I guess we're both too invested in this club. Thanks!
Author clynn Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! I saw him last night. I had put it off until now successfully by avoiding situations and rearranging a couple volunteer shifts so as to not have to see him. But last night I had to attend a meeting and I didn't think he would be there, and it wouldn't have mattered if I did, I had to go. I arrived a couple minutes late and there he was right in the front row and greeted me, pulled aside a chair for me all friendly and polite. And at a break in the meeting he made a bit effort to make chit chat with me. "What are you doing? What have you been up to lately." I had that kind of stupid small talk. I'd have sooner avoided it altogether but I wasn't prepared and wouldn't have wanted to appear childish either. After the meeting he asked if I was sticking around. I said that yes I was but to talk to someone in particular about something then I needed to head right off. I think it is just that seeing him makes me angry and yet I don't show it, I wear politeness and behave cordially and friendly. But that pisses me off afterwards. I felt really mad. Like he had the upper hand or something. I wanted to pick up the phone when I got home and yell his head off, but, - as if I would. I dunno. Taking the high road is alright. But maybe there is something to be said for wearing your emotions as well. I mean, he's pissed me off, I haven't really shown it. So even though time has passed, I haven't seen him at all, so in the interim I don't think about him or process him (exact for right now cuz it is just the day after, give me a day or so and it'll have passed again). ..... and then now that I've seen him it's just the unspoken biting anger that wells up, you know. But that isn't what I show. I naturally fall into the polite. Perhaps a little cold. But that is it. Arrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I was soooooooooooo mad I tossed adn turned for hours.
HotCaliGirl Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 I was wondering what ever happened to you! lol... I'm trying to figure out your situation with this guy. Are you afraid of commitment by any change? You mention that you have had quite a few short lived relationships. It sounds like he was trying to get close to you by asking if you were going to stick around after the meeting, and you just blew him off. Are you just not interested in him? Are you afraid of getting into a serious relationship? What is going through your head??!!!
westernxer Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 You sound like you're mad at yourself... the fact that he was so warm and friendly toward you must've really thrown you off balance. Oh well, at least it's out of the way with. Now you'll be better prepared for your next meeting. Don't you love it when he doesn't squirm? Sounds like a cool guy, if you ask me.
Author clynn Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Westernexer *#$&*(-off!! Just kidding. BUt, yah. Uh, huh. He IS a cool guy. That's the point. And he doesn't want to date me anymore and yeah he did throw me off. Thanks for the salt to the wound.
westernxer Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 LOL. Now I know how the other side feels when we run into each other. Sorry to add salt to the wounds... I'm laughing with you, I swear (on the life of the dead chicken I ate earlier this evening).
Author clynn Posted June 13, 2005 Author Posted June 13, 2005 We've seen each other a few more times recently. The last couple times which actually were kinda nice. We chatted one night for a while and he let me know is travelling to an area where my dad lives adn hinted about being shown around there by my dad which of course my dad would be happy to. I too will be travelling there around the same time and though he and I both independently have details to confirm about our travel plans, it looks as though we'll be travelling there around the same time. He isn't at all a free loader or a couch surfer so I'm okay with his asking this but still sparks my interest as to why he might want to (he has never met my dad before). A few nights later we hung around together at a party situation and he encouraged me to stay and to give him a lift home. So much talking later. We didn't really resolve anything. He had a lot to say but to be honest I wasn't sure he really got out what he wanted to get out...... He talked around a lot of things and made a lot of half statements. Kinda bizarre since it was he that initiated the talking. He seemed to want to "talk". See...within the club we both belong to....he has talked about our relationship with some of the other members. I haven't, I've kept things pretty private. I haven't gone out of my way not to, but still, I have. I know this because he told me and yet he was reticent to tell me fully what he said or the context of the conversations. He let me know he hasn't dated anyone since me, that he really just wanted to be on his own for a while to clear his head, etc. (this was consistent with what he told me when we split). He had gone from a fairly serious long term relationship straight to a short not so good relationship and then straight to me and he said he really needed time for himself. Well, that's all about it, I'm not really sure what to make of it. In either case, it looks as though we just may end up on a holiday of sorts together this summer, either by default or design (I'm not sure which). At the very least he'll spend a few days palling around with my dad. comments, feedback....?
blue16 Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 It's pretty obvious to me that you really like this guy but don't know how to show it, and aren't sure how to get past all of the riff-raff you two are going through. You are probably wondering similar things like "Does he still like me?" "Do I want a relationship with him?" etc which is all up in the air since you two 'split up.' I also suspect you are afraid of commitment, judging by your history of short-term relationships that just suddenly end...this one being a text-book example. What about commitment bothers you? Is it that you feel like if you get too far into a relationship you'll be 'trapped' in a manner of speaking? Something else?
Marshbear Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Your situation is similar to mine. I broke up with this girl and when I saw her I would speak and act nice and it pissed her off to no end. I couldn't understand her reaction because she was the one who didn't want our relationship to go any farther. She finally got so mad at me she stormed out of the room ( childish, yes ). Anyway she told a friend to tell me she did not want to speak to me ever and and said some very mean things about me. We don't speak to this day to each other and there is still all this tension in the air. I never understood her reaction but I respect her decision. Just get over the awkwardness so you don't have to be uncomfortable in his presence. It's much easier to take.
Author clynn Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 Thank you gentlemen for your replies. The last couple of times we've seen each other it hasn't been too awkward, we have been mutually warm and we even showed affection towards each other this last time. (okay we even shared some kisses...) Still, Blue 16 you're correct I do dig this guy but also feel some mixed feelings as one does I suppose in advancing towards / from relationships. And I wonder of course how he feels about me, and also his status as far as wanting to ibe n a relationship or dating. My ideal? A casual but ongoing dating situation. However, this is marked by the history we have. I don't know if he is interested in this at all. Though it seems perhaps he might be he didn't come out and articulate that and so I can't assume that he might and also it was him that suggested we slow things down back those months ago (to which I suggested that perpahs we just stop). He would have said so if he wanted to start dating me again??? (wouldn't he?) Me? Commitment? Yes, I do get stressed. I worry a lot about other people's expectations. Its a lot more than that but I don't really have it clarified. Still I did give this one the college try. Since I wrote this this afternoon (writing helps to clarify things for me)......I've actually managed to get myself into a state of feeling kinda pissed off at him. ABOUT? Well, he did seem to talk about the club and the people at the club and things that he had said there about me and him and why, but he didn't actually come RIGHT out and tell me what he said. As in he maybe was trying to get something off of his chest and was a little weak in doing so. I have suspicions now that perhaps he indicated to people that he was more comfortable working on the project if I wasn't. Now I guess I shouldn't be so cranky since I never made any motions and didn't have an interest in this particular project. However, his yacking this up with club members rather than addressing it with me really Cheeses me off. Feels a lot like conversations going on that many are well aware of except me. And goodness knows I would hate to be pitied. On one hand, perhaps I should just shrug it off (my tendency) and carry on. However, it also feels like it is something that should maybe be aired. to switch again....Anyone think anything about the trip he's planning and him staying with me dad......? Thanks again for your responses.
Humbledog Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You want some valium, just in case? Just kidding. Thorazine
HoneyWheat Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 listen the guy is a wussbag what kind of nut job talks about a woman he only dated a couple times???? he's just showing off that he actually was ABLE to get a date since you are both in the same club he doesn't have to call you to ask for a date...because he knows where to find you...he knows what is going on with you through friends...he uses this information to gauge when and if he should or shouldn't call the guy is a total coward who is afraid of women.....if he were not in the club and his only contact was the phone....you'd better believe he'd be on it making arrangements for a real date also, he's such a wussy coward that he thinks its acceptable to get to know you through other people rather than having the decency to get to know you in person he's such a wussy coward that he figures hey i'll just get to know her ar these meetings instead of acting like a real man and getting on the horn to give her a buzz and ask her out in person he's also cheap! because he's not paying for your company with a date and food he's getting to know all about you in your social environment which totally sucks not to mention by announcing to everyone that he went out on a date with you...he has now made it seem to other men who may have been interested that you are off limits because he has first dibs ****ing coward wussbag! is that what you are mad about??? i bet it is cuz its happened to me
HoneyWheat Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 he's an effing opportunist just blow him off and hold your high...focus your attention on the hot men in the club if there are any...time to up the ante and get things moving he needs a little competition me thinks or at least you do to liven things up... bring new men to the club with you on dates....lol ok that might get out of hand but i think your female mind is getting the picture competition competition competition....dont' tell him directly...just take action
HoneyWheat Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 did i also mention he is LAZY he doesnt' think he has to chase you by doing the work of asking you out he just talks to you when its convenient, like at the club meetings he's also a coward because he's doing the friend route which isn't really working...because he's not even hanging with you
Author clynn Posted June 14, 2005 Author Posted June 14, 2005 uh, actually when we dated, he would phone me, set dates, ask me out, take me out, all that stuff. Then we split up.
fundamental Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 Originally posted by HoneyWheat did i also mention he is LAZY he doesnt' think he has to chase you by doing the work of asking you out he just talks to you when its convenient, like at the club meetings he's also a coward because he's doing the friend route which isn't really working...because he's not even hanging with you Wow HoneyWheat, you really hate this guy
fundamental Posted June 14, 2005 Posted June 14, 2005 clynn, Well, like blue16 said, it's obvious that you really like this guy. It seems like you are having a hard time dealing with your emotions. Since you didn't consider your relationship to be serious and you are stressing, if it was serious or becomes serious (or he gets close to you) you would definitely stress out. Is that why you are afraid of commitment? I believe he likes you, but is having a hard time figuring you out. In fact, you probably don't want him to figure you out because it scares you. If you really like him, try to continue to be friends. If you become comfortable enough, maybe you will want something more with him later on. For now, be his friend because he doesn't sound like a bad guy.
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