Skeered Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Ok this is my first post on this forum and I'm not quite sure what I am needing I guess just to vent a bit with hopefully some people who can understand what I am dealing with a bit. Here's the deal..I have been seperated from my husband of 10 years for 5 months. We have a 9 year old daughter together, which I am raising happily. He and I are also going through a bankruptcy and I am pretty much unable to proceed with any of the divorce stuff until that is final. I am stuggling to stay on top of life as I watch him float on through it. I am paying for everything and he's the one that put us in this position with his non sensical spending and just general stupidity. He just keeps getting more and more of life handed to him on a silver platter. He of course feels he needs to include our daughter in everything and keeps puttin her in the middle of things when I try to shelter it from her as she just doesn't need the stress at 9, she's been through enough. He acts like such a child though trying to get anyone who will listen to him to feel sorry for him. He tells my daughter how he gives me all this money to help raise her and this and that and I'm lucky to get $60 a month from him. Once again I feel all the brunt of this is on me. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for my daughter and myself since he put us through living hell for many years. But now I feel like this nightmare will never end. I need more financial assistance, I need him to stop involving our daughter in "OUR" affairs and I need for him to stop acting like such a flippin child. Hell it took him almost 4 months to realize I wasn't coming back and even still he thinks there's a chance. Basically my question is after all that...how do I keep my sanity and keep from getting depressed I feel like I'm being crushed. I want so much to just feel normal and enjoy a day that doesn't feel like everything is on my shoulders. Any thoughts? Thanks...sorry for the long post...
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Long post? :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: Sorry. ahem, that was a short initial post to be honest with you. tough situation. I am sorry you have to go through that. Have you spoken with a lawyer at all regarding divorce? Or perhaps legal separation? That would put some legal requirements down for him to follow regarding child support and actions that are allowed and prohibited involving your child. Alot of states require a period of separation before a divorce is granted. Otherwise, I suggest sticking around here. Venting is a good thing. And you have a bunch of people here who have some familiarity with your experiences. And most of us have a pretty good, if twisted, sense of humor. We can make you laugh if nothing else.
Author Skeered Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Devildog - Thank you very much...no I haven't really spoken to a lawyer about all the stuff yet because when I did speak to one they said I didn't need one..hee hee with the bankruptcy and so forth I don't need a lawyer for our marital issues because we will have no property or anything to split, the only thing and the biggest situation we will have to deal with is our daughter, not that he wants custody of her or anything because god forbid that would mean he would have to grow some and be a man he is just being an a$$ in assuming that kids are free..he just keeps saying "you chose to leave why should I pay for her" and in the same breath he says to my daughter "I give your mom a lot of money she should be getting you anything you want" which eventually gets back to me and I try to keep my calm but damn there is so much I would love to tell her about this "great" dad she's got. And yes he has a point I did leave because I was tired of supporting 2 children. And yes thank you I will stick around here, today I think I hit some sort of rock bottom in feeling sorry for myself. Which is something I promised myself I wouldn't do because this was my choice but I'm alone, I'm tired and I'm trying to be the best mom I can be...sometimes gets overwhelming....
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 You might want to reconsider the lawyer idea. Your husband can do alot of damage to your child with some of those actions. I know in my state, divorces with children involved you MUST attend a class dealing with what is acceptable and unacceptable when dealing with the children and talking about the other spouse. Welcome aboard skeered. Don't feel guilty. I am sure you gave it your best shot to work things out. Sometimes people aren't ready to grow up.
Author Skeered Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog Welcome aboard skeered. Don't feel guilty. I am sure you gave it your best shot to work things out. Sometimes people aren't ready to grow up. Thank you again and yes I gave it 10 years and it didn't improve it just got a hell of a lot worse. As far as the lawyer thing I will look into it also you have to take that class here in AZ also..it's a parenting class in one night...hell if I thought you could learn to parent in one night I would have done this years ago....lol geez...
Yikes Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 By all means feel sorry for yourself... it's all part of the process. I am sorry that you have to go through this. DD is right your first post is a short one. Most first posts are novels. His advice is on the money. Outside of that, I might recommend trying to simplify your life of any unnecessary clutter. (I take it your ex falls into that category) Do what you can to keep your financial situation under control (I know, this is extra tough for you right now). Try not to make problems any worse than they have to be. Focus your attention on the good stuff that you have going on in your life, no matter how small. Continue to look after your little girl. This is a biggie in my opinion. Worry about the things that are in your control and accept the things that aren't. A lot of us have been through some really nasty stuff too. Sometimes just for fun, I'll click on someone's profile and read there very first post. Wow that is an eye opener and after a while you will realize how far we all have come. You're in the right place and you'll find a whole lot of people who care. It's all a process, stay patient and vent all you want... we can take it. Y
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 oh goodie, a sense of humor. You will fit in nicely here. (Just watch out for that Massive Atom guy. He is a bit off his rocker. Gets all philosophical and likes to bust out his thesaurus and sound educated.)
MassiveAtom Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Hey, skeered, I was reading your post when suddenly my efforts were bogged down in a quagmire of devildog doo! truth is, I only sound educated, fact is I was dumb enough to fall for a person who was unable to give me what I needed. AT ALL. Which is .... well I'm not sure anymore. These two guys are my kindred spirits, course I think all of us here are kindred. Welcome. It sounds like a troublesome situation. Banruptcy AND divorcee, and raising a kid with an ....(looking in thesaurus) Acrimonious adversarial spouse. It's always good to vent here. be aware that sometimes people will respond with knee-jerk reactions. in Devildog's case, just a jerk reaction. It is incredibly important to shield your daughter from that animosity(checking thesaurus, okay that works) It is also vital that you care for yourself, are you getting enough excersize? Are you eating well and getting enough sleep? Now me, I don't sleep much. but this Thesaurus ain't gonna read itself!
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Now if we can just get Massive Atom a dictionary so he kan speel betr. oh no he didn't go there. Oh yes he did
Author Skeered Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom It is incredibly important to shield your daughter from that animosity(checking thesaurus, okay that works) It is also vital that you care for yourself, are you getting enough excersize? Are you eating well and getting enough sleep? Now me, I don't sleep much. but this Thesaurus ain't gonna read itself! OMG that was so funny you actually got me laughin..hee hee thanks..actually it's weird because most times I'm not down at all I have some good friends around me and as much as I try not to talk about my Ex with anyone because noone needs to know everything that I went through it comes out sometimes and it starts me thinking, well today was one of those days...so much opened up and it got me thinking of what I have lost (by being with him) and how lonely and skeered I have been for so long. But to answer your question yes most nights I get great sleep, I kinda stopped eating and force myself most days, and exercise is at least a 3 night a week event. Sorry I don't have a thesaurus (or any other dinosaur) around here to make this sound all edumacated and stuff..lol Thanks DD, Massive and Yikes...I think I'm gonna like it here...
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 think skeered is running in horror yet? Good that you are taking care of yourself Skeered. It's important. Also look into doing new things for yourself. Stuff that you enjoy or that you just never had time to do when taking care of "2 children".
MassiveAtom Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 And how often to get to get out and tear around on that sweet bike!? What is that a Ninja 650? That'll knock some of the blues outta ya. mount up on that thing and go for a spin!
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by Skeered actually it's weird because most times I'm not down at all I have some good friends around me and as much as I try not to talk about my Ex with anyone because noone needs to know everything that I went through it comes out sometimes and it starts me thinking, well today was one of those days...so much opened up and it got me thinking of what I have lost (by being with him) and how lonely and skeered I have been for so long. I know how you feel there skeered. You don't want to burden your friends with your problems, or you don't want to make your ex look like a fool or whatever the reason. You can vent all you want here. It helps alot.
Author Skeered Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog think skeered is running in horror yet? Good that you are taking care of yourself Skeered. It's important. Also look into doing new things for yourself. Stuff that you enjoy or that you just never had time to do when taking care of "2 children". Nope I'm still here you poor souls.... I have thought about stuff to do for me and it sounds selffish and wrong my daughter was born into this hateful marriage so I feel all stuff should be given to her...I don't deserve anything since I kept her in it..does that make sense..I feel like for a lifetime I will get to apologize to her for being weak and I will have to explain to her that not all men are a**h***s..lol just your daddy...JUST KIDDIN I would never say that to her...think it and know it in my head you betcha. (well not the all men are a**h***'s just the daddy part is true I still like to think there is a Mr. Right out there for me...)
Devildog Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom And how often to get to get out and tear around on that sweet bike!? What is that a Ninja 650? That'll knock some of the blues outta ya. mount up on that thing and go for a spin! Yeah, I knew I should have got that Ducati when I was in Italy.
Author Skeered Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom And how often to get to get out and tear around on that sweet bike!? What is that a Ninja 650? That'll knock some of the blues outta ya. mount up on that thing and go for a spin! AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you said it was a ninja...no no no it's a Yamaha R6 hee hee that's my other baby...actually I ride it as much as I can I love it...takes a lot of the irritation outta my life. Unfortunatly I don't have any riding partners at the moment so I just generally ride to work and stuff...but it still gets me out there.
MassiveAtom Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 HEy skeered, ever hear of this thing called a leather jacket? It'll keep your arms connected if you fall off. That way you'll still be able to hug that daughter of yours. when they re-attach 'em! So my question is, where are you along in the process? you're separated, and going through bankruptcy,and you're sure you want this divorce? I ask, because I still don't understand why I'm single again. well aside from my ex being an inflexible shape-shifting taker. Oh, and allegedly a bigamist.
Yikes Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Hey, a guy takes a break to make his kids some supper (they like to eat, they're funny that way) and a party breaks out. I must have missed the memmo. Dang! DD and MA: You two turkeys gave me a few good belly laughs. Hold the fort, I have to go out for a bit. Like I said skeered is most definitely in the right place! _________________ Anyone know why redkneck murders are so hard to solve? All of the DNA is the same and there are no dental records! _________________ Y
almathea Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 Originally posted by Skeered Nope I'm still here you poor souls.... I have thought about stuff to do for me and it sounds selffish and wrong my daughter was born into this hateful marriage so I feel all stuff should be given to her...I don't deserve anything since I kept her in it..does that make sense..I feel like for a lifetime I will get to apologize to her for being weak and I will have to explain to her that not all men are a**h***s..lol just your daddy...JUST KIDDIN I would never say that to her...think it and know it in my head you betcha. (well not the all men are a**h***'s just the daddy part is true I still like to think there is a Mr. Right out there for me...) Skeered dont beat yourself up about staying there...you did wat you thought was right for your daughter at the time...and no one not even your daughter will fault you for that......my mom was with my dad for 25yrs and he was abusive to us and her...and she beats herself up everyday for that.......Me and my sister know she did wat she could and thought was best at the time.....she's the best mom.....and she would do anything for us.....and your daughter knows that about you too....chin up.....
Author Skeered Posted February 23, 2005 Author Posted February 23, 2005 Thanks to all of you...doin much better today after my little rant session yesterday.. You guys are great, great advice and definetly been there done that kinda people...lol Massive I do have gear just didn't have it on for that pic...that was taken about 2 hours after I picked my bike up at the dealership..hee hee her maiden voyage. Thanks for the concern. Almathea - Thank you also and I came from a home similar to what you describe and my mom still beats herself up as well. I think that is why I stayed in my marriage as long as I did, it wasn't ever a good marriage it was a marriage based on desperatness more than anything and I stayed in it so my daughter wouldn't see me as a failure, but what I didn't see is that she was seeing that anyway because I was lying to everyone puttin on a happy face. Anyway thanks again guys...
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