Going to see ex in a group setting...

[Beachy]

Hello all. I've been following this site for many months now but this is my first time asking for advice.

 

My ex and I had been together for over 3 years (two previous short breakups in which she's done the breaking up/moving out/walking on) though I have not seen her in over two months after letting her toy with me for months while she "figured things out" once again which ended abruptly in early May. I've been realistic this time in that I'm not trying to win her back. After three times of her leaving me for higher priorities(parties, her friends etc) it's hard to avoid the reality that I can't make her treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I've been dating someone new and have really kept myself busy but I'm still in love with her. Ultimately I've been rebounding with many girls to keep myself occupied along with spending time with friends and working out more than I typically do(I was already a gym rat).

 

That said, we have an event coming up that will be in the same establishment and I wanted to get advice on how I should handle myself. This will be the first of many times we see each other as we have many group functions that are aligned together. Up until now I've avoided all opportunities to be in the same vicinity as her. Though I am definitely nervous- I'm strong enough to deal with her being around but plan to keep the stay brief(and sober). I also feel like it's time I show that she doesn't control where I go and that her being around doesn't hurt me. That said, ultimately I had planned to simply wave if we make eye contact or say "hi" if we pass each other. There won't be more than 50 people at the event and I know there will at least be eye contact.

 

I'm fairly sure any type of conversation would be a mistake. The last time I saw her in person was actually at the gym in May when she tried talking to me and I was confident enough to tell her to stop asking questions about me and have a good day which caused her to begin to cry. Though shortly after there were a couple scenarios since then where I tried initiated contact and she didn't respond(early June) which gave her the ego trip she loves.

 

I recently read a quote that made a lot of sense to me. It said, "don't wait to feel confident enough BEFORE you act or you might wait forever. CONFIDENCE is the gift you receive AFTER you have done the scary thing." I'm an alpha male but have let this girl crap on me for a while and plan to use this as a confidence builder.

 

Any thoughts, experiences or suggestions that you all might be able to help me out with as far as how I should handle seeing her?

[mightycpa]

I don't really have any advice, but I do want to wish you luck. I couldn't look my ex in the eye for 10 years without crying - I never wanted her to see me that way, so I avoided her like the plague.

 

The funny thing was that for all the rejection I felt from her, I never felt it from anybody else. I was never afraid to ask someone out, never afraid to make a move. I got hurt, but it was different; it hurt, but it wasn't shattering. Almost like I was inoculated from ever having to suffer that again, but still susceptible to the original "infection"!

 

So, good luck dude. Keep it short and sweet.

[Chi townD]

What you need to do, is not even notice that she is there. Be happy and bright eyed and talking to folks and interacting. If she approaches you. Be nice, be polite, but keep your answers short and to the point. And excuse yourself at the first available opportunity.

[d0nnivain]

Look good. It will help you feel good . . .on the fake it 'til you make it system.

 

 

Be cordial if you are confronted by her -- I'm envisioning a tight smile, a curt nod & a "hi" before you need to do something else like get another drink even if yours is full. Act aloof -- never let 'em see you sweat mentality.

[Beachy]

Mightycpa- I feel for you and understand the "only succeptable to the original infection scenario"... I was in a long term relationship for over 8 years prior to this relationship which the girl was engaged in three months and married within 9... And that girl was actually a very high quality person that treated me very well. I think that set the pain threshold so high that I can deal with anything that this ex throws my way.

 

Chi TownD- Very good suggestions. I will keep my head high, be cheerful and interact with people as much as possible. I really don't think she'll approach me but I do think she'll at least want to acknowledge me. She has too much pride and is too selfish to approach me with conversation. If the situation does happen though I will keep it is simple as "I'm doing well" and that's about it. I plan to eat dinner, socialize with friends a bit without drinking and get out of there without her noticing. It's a weekday event, she drinks frequently and I only drink on weekends. That said, she'll be staying out and I'll definitely be leaving before her so that will give me some type of satisfaction/confidence that at least I will have shown her that I'm not dying to stick around and I don't need to speak with her.

 

Still very nervous nonetheless. I've never gone this long without seeing her and I do miss her. This isn't my first rodeo though. Last year we had a breakup and ran into each other and I was extremely confident when we interacted to the point where she wanted to sleep with me that night. I'm not trying to pursue anything with her this time- nor will I put myself in a position with anyone again who places parties, friends, alcohol and many other things above me.

 

This girl has taught me many things. Mostly that I need to recognize red flags when they come up because there were too many to count while I was blinded by love.

 

If anyone has anything else to share please do. This event is tonight and I can use all of the encouragement there is.

 

Thanks!

[gj13]

YOU can do this. Put on your best clothes for a confidence boost, that always helps. Be sure to listen to some great music on your way there (don't know if it works for you, but that totally helped ME). And just go straight through those doors with no intention other than having fun, some good talk and mingling... by all means, keep yourself busy, light and cheery. If you do cross paths with her, just be kind and nonchalant and like someone mentioned, be gone at the first chance you get. You don't need her "hi" or her chit chat, it's better off. So don't approach her directly, but ignore it entirely (this comes off as "angry" or "resented") which you are NOT, you're indifferent, ok?

[Beachy]

YOU can do this. Put on your best clothes for a confidence boost, that always helps. Be sure to listen to some great music on your way there (don't know if it works for you, but that totally helped ME). And just go straight through those doors with no intention other than having fun, some good talk and mingling... by all means, keep yourself busy, light and cheery. If you do cross paths with her, just be kind and nonchalant and like someone mentioned, be gone at the first chance you get. You don't need her "hi" or her chit chat, it's better off. So don't approach her directly, but ignore it entirely (this comes off as "angry" or "resented") which you are NOT, you're indifferent, ok?

 

Very well said gj13. I will wear nice clothes tonight and make sure I walk in as confident as I can be. I will not approach her and will be as aloof as possible. I will probably only stay for an hour actually, and that includes dinner.

 

Ultimately my goal is a short and sweet visit with friends while at the same time proving that I'm not there for her attention simply by ignoring her. The longer I stay the more chance there is to make things awkward so I'll definitely get the hell outta there after a short while. I'm confident that I can handle this correctly though the realization of seeing her is really making me more nervous by the hour.

 

Thanks for your suggestions guys and I'm sure I'll have a positive update tomorrow!

[Beachy]

So I went last night around 8pm and she wasn't there yet. I ordered food and was mingling with a couple friends. Around 8:30 from my peripheral view I see her walk up she says a quick "hey" in passing and I happened to look down and responded with "hey... What are those?!"(she was wearing some really goofy stonewashed cut up pants. Don't get me wrong- she's gorgeous- but some people don't look good in retro pants and she's one of them) It was instantly obvious that we both felt weird and didn't plan to talk to each other. She says a couple quick hello's to people and goes directly to the bar to get a drink then sits at the other end of the table full of around 30 people.

 

I did my best to pretend she wasn't there but she was over there telling stories to a bunch of people charismatically(people I didn't know), showing people pictures on her phone and describing what was taking place in them like it was the best story she'd ever told etc and it did get under my skin... I'm sure part of her was trying to get me agitated but she is an outgoing person so who knows.

 

Regardless, I left right after my meal at 9pm(1/2 hour of her being there). I could barely eat because it was too tough for me honestly just seeing her taking shots, mingling like it was New Years Eve and everything was hunky-dory in her world while I was sitting there sober and trying to have a low key outing.

 

Though I handled myself properly- this situation proved that I am not ready to be around her because I felt pretty crappy when I left. It was a short 30 minutes I was around her and it just pissed me off seeing her being all jolly and boozing it up like I was a fly on the wall.

 

Like I've seen all of you suggest- I guess the only thing that will heal me in the big picture is no contact for the sake of my sanity. Not seeing her for two months(breakup was 3 months ago) has been tough but out of site out of mind gives me more peace than situations like last night. All I could do when I left was think to myself, "I wonder if she was trying to act the way she was because I was at the other side of the room? I wonder if she was also having a tough time seeing me when she went home?"... In the past she would email me after we would have a run-in and tell me how tough it was to see me. I didn't get that text today so it kinda makes me wonder what she was thinking about the situation.

 

Anyways, just thought I'd update you guys and see if you had any experience in this type of situation and if you could give me some kind of pep talk.

[d0nnivain]

Well, you went. That's the important thing. You survived & acted in a dignified manner while there.

 

It will get easier

[Simon Phoenix]

You got through it without making an ass out of yourself, which is an accomplishment, because that's not easy. However, I would probably try to avoid these mixers for a while. There will come a time where you'll see her and it won't cause any sort of butterflies/reaction/wondering -- you just aren't there yet. Which is fine. No need to put yourself in harm's way to prove a point though.

[Chi townD]

One thing I noticed is that you handled yourself with dignity (although, I hope that you didn't come across as sulking). The other thing I noticed is that she was hitting the booze pretty hard! I guess she needed a few belts to settle herself and loosen up. So, she didn't handle you being there as easily as you think she did.

[Michael 93]

You showed incredible strength.

 

Well done. She is going to think "he will contact me now"

 

Show her even more strength by not doing so.

 

You have done so well you should be proud. Build on it.

[Beachy]

Thanks guys. I couldn't have gone about it any better than I did- which I'm proud of- but I did learn that I do need much more time until I can be indifferent around her. Definitely didn't come across as sulking though had I stuck around(only one not drinking/agitated) I probably would have- which is why I got the heck out of there before things could evolve.

 

I did put myself in harms way really to test myself and just show her that I'm strong on my own. May not have been the best outcome(part of me hoped she'd try talking to me) and it did take me a step back in healing- but I'm glad I took the chance and gained some confidence out of it by the way I saw her briefly and left without trying to speak to her. It was pretty sad that the first thing she did was go to the bar and get a drink when she got there... Disgusting actually.

 

At the end of the day I definitely feel better when time has passed and there's been no communication whatsoever and I do my best not to hear or see anything about her. Though I do want her to miss me- I like staying out of touch to heal and reaching out or seeing her prolongs the process which sucks.

 

Appreciate the positive words guys and I look forward to chiming in and keeping up with things/updating you all.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks guys. I couldn't have gone about it any better than I did- which I'm proud of- but I did learn that I do need much more time until I can be indifferent around her. Definitely didn't come across as sulking though had I stuck around(only one not drinking/agitated) I probably would have- which is why I got the heck out of there before things could evolve.

 

I did put myself in harms way really to test myself and just show her that I'm strong on my own. May not have been the best outcome(part of me hoped she'd try talking to me) and it did take me a step back in healing- but I'm glad I took the chance and gained some confidence out of it by the way I saw her briefly and left without trying to speak to her. It was pretty sad that the first thing she did was go to the bar and get a drink when she got there... Disgusting actually.

 

At the end of the day I definitely feel better when time has passed and there's been no communication whatsoever and I do my best not to hear or see anything about her. Though I do want her to miss me- I like staying out of touch to heal and reaching out or seeing her prolongs the process which sucks.

 

Appreciate the positive words guys and I look forward to chiming in and keeping up with things/updating you all.

 

I don't like the bolded statement at all. You don't need to be showing her a thing -- it's not your job or duty to put on an act for her. You did well, but the mentality in the bolded statement is concerning. This is about you and your recovery, not about her.

[emotionalMess]

I don't really have any advice, but I do want to wish you luck. I couldn't look my ex in the eye for 10 years without crying - I never wanted her to see me that way, so I avoided her like the plague.

 

Did she cheat or just dump you? What happened that left you so damaged?

[Beachy]

I don't like the bolded statement at all. You don't need to be showing her a thing -- it's not your job or duty to put on an act for her. You did well, but the mentality in the bolded statement is concerning. This is about you and your recovery, not about her.

 

You're right Simon. That is the wrong mentality and I am working on that. I know that I need to worry about me and not what she thinks or is up to. She chose to leave my life- I need to work on choosing me and not worrying about her whatsoever... And most of the time I do tell myself that but it's still a work in progress...

 

Thankfully the hard part(denial, shock etc) is over and I'm not bull$hitting myself into thinking she'll be wanting me back again and I'm instead telling myself I have to do me and that I should not let someone treat me that way to begin with and am dead set on moving on.