My boyfriend doesn't want me hanging out with my guy best friend!

[Quiet Storm]

marcjb

 

 

Putting the friends before the romance is a bad thing but allowing the romance to dictate who you can be friends with doesn't work either.

 

 

My husband knows he's my # 1 but he also doesn't freak out if I spend time with guys who are my friends.

 

If it did bother him, and he said "Out of respect for me, can you please not be alone with him?". You would say No?

 

I dont see it as allowing the romance to dictate who you can be friends with. If something really bothers you, shouldn't you freely express it to your spouse or gf ? It is an acknowledgement of his feelings, a request not to do it, and a decision for her to make. In my life, my husband is immensely more important than any friend. I know they aren't married, but if she wants that from him, she should be considerate if his feelings. (Per her last post, she has made the decision to stop the alone time out of respect for her bf). He didn't even ask her to cut off contact, he just is uncomfortable with alone time. They can still be friends.

[veggirl]

Pre-existing PLATONIC friendships, meaning you've never dated, kissed, had sex, had feelings for each other, should NOT have to be back-burned for a new partner. Sorry but even as someone who is NOT into opposite sex friendships (like at all), I believe that. I think your bf is being totally unreasonable. Expecting you to ditch a legit friendship of many years is absolutely ridiculous. If he doesn't want to date girls who have a male close friend then he shouldn't do so!!! He dated you knowing who your friends are, he is way out of line.

[veggirl]

For those of you who think pre-existing friendships should be "downgraded" or put to a stop all together....at what point in the R does this happen? After 3 dates? A month? A year? Would you expect your old friends to take you back if the R doesn't work out?

[marcjb]

For those of you who think pre-existing friendships should be "downgraded" or put to a stop all together....at what point in the R does this happen? After 3 dates? A month? A year? Would you expect your old friends to take you back if the R doesn't work out?

 

If they do not turn into a friendship of the relationship then yes, they should. Otherwise they should turn into an acquaintance. At what point in the relationship should it happen? Whenever the relationship becomes "official" or "exclusive".

 

Pre-existing PLATONIC friendships, meaning you've never dated, kissed, had sex, had feelings for each other, should NOT have to be back-burned for a new partner.

 

If you are a mind reader and can tell if the other person has feelings or not, then sure. Have you seen how many threads are on this forum regarding someone being interested in their "friend" that they've had forever?

 

Having an opposite gender "friendship" with someone who does not fit well into being a friend with both of the people who are in a relationship turn into an acquaintance is not back-burning, it would be introducing proper boundaries for both people if the goal is to have the relationship be a longterm success.

Edited July 22, 2014 by marcjb

[todreaminblue]

You have stated that you hardly ever hang out alone with this guy friend of yours anyway ,your bf tried to compromise with you about seeing your best guy friend with others,which from what i gather, is what you do anyway, i have quite a few male friends always have had males orbiting since i left home, the ones who try something usually fade out and you have had yourself, guys who do this from what you have written, try to get closer, so you cant deny the fact sometimes guys fall for female friends and your bf is concerned about this, he has basically let you know his concerns, and what a solution or compromise might be, i feel he has been just and fair and understanding of your friendship where your bff has not.....

 

 

 

 

your bf does have a right to be concerned things happen however much you vehemently deny that it might....you just don't really know what the future might be......you have to make a choice on what is more important to you what relationship holds precedence because to me no matter the amount of years spent in a relationship or friendship with someone when you are in a partnership with a guy they come first priority, he has been pretty understanding with you....i do however feel a choice is going to be made on your behalf either way there is no avoiding it ....it needs to happen.......or your relationship with your bf is going to suffer........deb

[sillyanswer]

Despite all of this, it's such a huge problem for my boyfriend that I hang out with him alone (hardly). He says he sees him as a threat, and he believes that guys and girls can never be just friends because one of them ultimately ends up falling for the other. I reassured him too and told him that even if he did make a move or he confessed his feelings towards me, I would handle the situation accordingly.

 

Some people do hold that belief, that men and women can't be "just friends". I think that's rubbish.

 

If he can't be persuaded that he's wrong (at least in regard to your long-term friend) then you probably need to choose between your friend and your bf and dump one of them.

[bubbaganoosh]

I can't say for certain that he has never had any feelings for me

 

Other than that, he can hang out with other girls alone. If he had a best girl friend he can hang out with her alone. I just have to be introduced to her and get to know her.

 

He keeps telling me that he's cut off those girls and I'm not willing to do the same for him because I won't distance myself from my best guy friend.

 

 

 

 

If your not certain that he never had feelings for you, then you don't know for sure. Maybe he's waiting for a rift between you and you bf and then make his move and I'm a guy and believe me, I saw this kind of thing happen before.

 

You told him that he could hang out with girls and he's distanced himself from other women including his past gf's and girls that he knows because he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable but I can assure you that it's real easy to say that to him when you know that he isn't hanging around with female friend but if he started all of a sudden becoming chummy with one, I promise you that your radar will be working overtime and the same thoughts that he has running through his head will be running through yours. It just hasn't happened yet.

 

I don't think he would mind if you were friends with this guy but hanging out with him once or five times alone is an issue with him and if the shoe was on the other foot, so would you, and before you say no it wouldn't, it's because it hasn't happened yet.

 

It's just my opinion but I got a feeling that your going to stubborn your way out of a relationship.

[almond]

My close friendships are not something I am ever willing to give up for someone else...especially because of their insecurity. I actually find many of the comments in this thread pretty sad to be honest

 

I believe that someone that loves and cares for you would never want to destroy a friendship that is important to you. Unless of course, their insecurity is that intense that they lose sight of this.

 

Insecurity is a huge turn off for me. Someone not trusting me is insulting. But someone trying to destroy a long term friendship of mine because they're weak and scared? Kick them to the curb...ASAP.

[NyTransplant]

I would submit my opinion based upon experience with females I've dated or have been "official" with, and their opposite sex "best friends"...

 

I believe that if you and your boyfriend are truly exclusive, having a male friend to visit and go out with "alone", is a HUGE red flag... It doesn't matter if he's your "brother" or "confidante" or "just friends", but if the crap hits the fan with your boyfriend and you argue, would you go to your male friend, family or female friends for advice? Crossing the line to discuss intimate problems and personal issues with the male friend will definitely open a rift up with your boyfriend and lead to serious problems. He's not jealous or paranoid, per se, but if you're dedicated to "one man", keep it that way with your boyfriend, and your "male friend" should be able to find his own single female friends or male friends to hang out with.

 

Imagine if there was one day you and your boyfriend argued and you innocently went to the park or coffee shop to tell your male friend about your problems, and he "out of the blue" made a move on you (please don't say he will not take advantage to hit up on a vulnerable female...), and you reciprocated with a kiss, hug or held his hand at the moment... What if your boyfriend happened along and saw that occurring? What would his range of emotions be, and what would he or others you know think about that scene??? That would totally scream "emotional/physical affair or cheating...", also if you constantly or frequently call or text the male friend in or out of the company of your boyfriend... That's considered cheating too.

 

In my case, my ex girlfriend had a male friend who was an ex roommate in the past before meeting me. While we were engaged, he would tag along all over the place, call her, text her and even visit unannounced to our house because he had a key!!! Imagine my feelings at 10PM, getting ready to go to bed and this jackass coming into our room to use my fiancee's computer??? I had many sitdowns with her and asked if we were exclusive, and why does she entertain a male friend while we are going to be married??? Are we going to adopt the poor fool as a son??? I put my foot down and told her it was either me to marry or her male friend...

 

She actually burned the bridge and chose the friend over me, thus ending our engagement and relationship. No cheating or infidelity on her part, but her poor choice of keeping the male friend destroyed what was once a happy relationship... I can imagine what your boyfriend is going through, because inside, it tears people apart when situations such as these arise... There are questions, cloudy and confused minds, worrying about if the male friend will pull a stunt to destroy the relationship, wondering if the female will be seduced or tricked into a sexual tryst, and many other scenarios that will be viewed as infidelity or cheating...

 

My advice is to stop hand holding the "old friend" and focus on your true relationship with your boyfriend. I'm sure your male friend is not a social leper who cannot meet new people to befriend, because it's very toxic to your current relationship.

[d0nnivain]

If it did bother him, and he said "Out of respect for me, can you please not be alone with him?". You would say No?

 

 

If my husband asked me to do something I'd do it.

 

I've had most of these pre-existing relationships with these men for 20+ years, long before DH came into the picture, even as my BF

 

I don't spend a lot of time with them but maybe once every few years we'll have lunch alone because the timing works out. I rarely talk to them on the phone. Occasionally I'll meet one for a drink but usually DH (or my then BF) would be on his way to meet both of us. There have always been very bright lines in my platonic relationships.

 

When the issue came up with new BFs, if after introducing the new BF to the buddies if the BF couldn't handle the buddies I always picked the buddies because men that couldn't tolerate the boundaries I previously established or who were so insecure and untrusting that they felt the need to try to dictate my behaviors turned me off.

 

And to whoever suggested that my husband doesn't love me as much as I think he does, marcjb, I know exactly how strong my marriage is. I'm also a much better judge of its functionality then someone who is trying to analyze us over a message board, based on my posts alone & never having interacted with my husband . . . but thanks for the alternate jaded perspective no matter how inaccurate.

[central]

As great as your bf may be in many ways, he has petty jealousy and insecurity issues. I don't know how old you are, but you sound relatively young. What are the odds that this bf will be the man you marry? And if he's got jealousy issues now, how will it be when you're married to him? He may want to exert more control over what you do and who you see. To some extent that's normal and natural, but does he want too much control? If it's possible to only hang out with your guy friend in public with other people, that's a good compromise that sounds like it may work for your bf and for you.

 

Your close friends may be for life. Boyfriends come and go. Even spouses are often temporary. I would only choose a date/mate over a friend if they were so clearly a great match that the relationship would be worth the potential cost of losing a real friend.

[marcjb]

Actual insecurity - someone complaining about their looks or being over weight.

 

Projection - calling someone "insecure" or "jealous" for not putting up with your behavoir as a way to justify your own actions. In most cases the one projecting would not be ok with the other person doing the same thing.

[marcjb]

Your close friends may be for life. Boyfriends come and go. Even spouses are often temporary.

Yea, pretty ironic when someone has a string of failed relationships because they insist on keeping close with their opposite gender "friends" outside of a relationship. They should just marry their "friend" if they are that important and tower over anyone they are in a relationship with. The idea that a "friend" will be around longer than a potentional partner is self-defeating. The person is already setting their relationship up for failure. Edited July 23, 2014 by marcjb

[Quiet Storm]

I don't feel that it's insecurity to set boundaries to protect your relationship or marriage. I also don't think it's about trust. I think it's about respect & consideration. We all have different tolerance levels. Just because some BF's are cool with their GF's spending time alone with other guys doesn't mean that all guys should be OK with that. It's perfectly OK to have expectations & standards in your relationship.

 

For example, let's say a woman is upset because her boyfriend stares at other women when they go out in public.

 

1) Her being bothered by this could indicate some level of insecurity. Maybe she's worried he prefers a different body type, that she's not good enough, etc.

 

2) Her being upset could be from a of lack of trust. Maybe he's flirted with girls in the past or cheated on her.

 

3) Her being upset could have nothing to do with insecurity. Maybe she's fully confident in her relationship and looks, but just feels that it's rude and disrespectful for him to stare at other women.

 

Does it really matter WHY she doesn't like it? Isn't the fact alone that it bothers her, a sufficient reason for her boyfriend to consider her feelings & modify his behavior?

 

And even if it is insecurity that's causing it, shouldn't we do we can to make the ones we love more comfortable & secure? Why would we purposely do something that we know hurts our partner, and expect them to be OK with that?

[almond]

I don't feel that it's insecurity to set boundaries to protect your relationship or marriage. I also don't think it's about trust. I think it's about respect & consideration. We all have different tolerance levels. Just because some BF's are cool with their GF's spending time alone with other guys doesn't mean that all guys should be OK with that. It's perfectly OK to have expectations & standards in your relationship.

 

For example, let's say a woman is upset because her boyfriend stares at other women when they go out in public.

 

1) Her being bothered by this could indicate some level of insecurity. Maybe she's worried he prefers a different body type, that she's not good enough, etc.

 

2) Her being upset could be from a of lack of trust. Maybe he's flirted with girls in the past or cheated on her.

 

3) Her being upset could have nothing to do with insecurity. Maybe she's fully confident in her relationship and looks, but just feels that it's rude and disrespectful for him to stare at other women.

 

Does it really matter WHY she doesn't like it? Isn't the fact alone that it bothers her, a sufficient reason for her boyfriend to consider her feelings & modify his behavior?

 

And even if it is insecurity that's causing it, shouldn't we do we can to make the ones we love more comfortable & secure? Why would we purposely do something that we know hurts our partner, and expect them to be OK with that?

 

Respect and consideration goes both ways. And if you're asking someone to end friendships that are important to them, you had better have a good reason in my opinion. What about respect for what your partner values...the people that are important to them? What about consideration for that? It does come down to trust, and compatibility more than anything I suppose.

 

Why should I have to completely destroy a long term friendship that I hold dear, because some guy feels uncomfortable about it? That would hurt me, as well as my friend. But I am the bad guy, purposely hurting my partner for not wanting to throw away 20 years of friendship because he feels insecure?

 

Please.

 

A long-term friendship means something to me. It saddens me that it seems to be worth so little to others

 

I have two male friends that I have known since I was a young child. And when I want to go have lunch with them, I will do so. If they invite me to hang out, I go. And vice versa. If my boyfriend is free, he can come and join us. If not, then I will of course still go...how ridiculous it sounds to me that I can't be in the same room with a man without my boyfriend present!

 

These male friends are people that have supported me through some seriously rough times, and I have done the same for them. We know each other inside out, and it is strictly platonic. Never have I had any indication of anything else...ever. These are people that I value and respect, and they value and respect me. My children will call them uncle one day. My family know them well, my boyfriend knows them well. I never plan on losing them...let alone, throw them away cos some guy decides he has a problem with it.

 

I can't believe some think it's reasonable for a guy to tell me that I should end these friendships. What a load of crap. Thankfully, my boyfriend is secure enough to be completely fine with all of this. He loves my male friends, and has enough sense to know that hanging out with my male friends doesn't mean that I love him any less. He hangs out with them and considers them close friends as well. An insecure guy would never have given them a chance, and I would have ended the relationship immediately.

 

My boyfriend trusts me, and I trust him. If a man thinks that he needs to destroy my long term friendships and tries to call this a "boundary to protect the relationship," then it's not worth it for me. Protect it from what exactly!? Lol. If you don't trust me to be in the same room as a male friend without you watching over me, then you're jaded, don't know me, don't know them, and are out on your arse before you can blink.

 

My boyfriend has one close female friend, and she is awesome! He has known her since high school, and they catch up for lunch whenever she is in town. Why on Earth would I worry about this? If having contact with a female one on one is going to ruin my relationship, then I am more than happy to let it burn to the ground...would be too weak to save it anyway. Can't shield them from all opposite sex contact forever.

Edited July 24, 2014 by almond

[CrystalCastles]

My close friendships are not something I am ever willing to give up for someone else...especially because of their insecurity. I actually find many of the comments in this thread pretty sad to be honest

 

I believe that someone that loves and cares for you would never want to destroy a friendship that is important to you. Unless of course, their insecurity is that intense that they lose sight of this.

 

Insecurity is a huge turn off for me. Someone not trusting me is insulting. But someone trying to destroy a long term friendship of mine because they're weak and scared? Kick them to the curb...ASAP.

 

Thank you! I also see some of the comments on here as sad...pathetic even.

 

I have a best guy friend. It would be entirely unfair if my bf of TWO MONTHS asked me to get rid of him. I mean seriously, how does this even warrant a discussion? The OP's best friend of 8 years vs her bf of one year? The best friend has been around for a lot longer. I think it is completely NOT the bf's place to tell the OP who her best friends should be. IMO it sounds very controlling and manipulative on his behalf.

 

Also, I think people didn't even read the OP's post. For those lazy posters, let me refresh your memories:

 

"The only time id be uncomfortable with him hanging out with another girl alone is that she's either someone he shared romantic history with in the past, or a girl he became friends with after me that is a little too close for comfort and I can tell she's trying to home wreck. Other than that, he can hang out with other girls alone. If he had a best girl friend he can hang out with her alone."

 

She doesn't want him hanging around exes. People who he's had a romantic history with. Not platonic friends. Sooooo unless I missed something, I really don't see how people have arrived at the conclusion that the OP is in the wrong. Unless you all have huge insecurities about a man being a woman's best friend.

[iiiii]

 

I have two male friends that I have known since I was a young child. And when I want to go have lunch with them, I will do so. If they invite me to hang out, I go. And vice versa. If my boyfriend is free, he can come and join us. If not, then I will of course still go...how ridiculous it sounds to me that I can't be in the same room with a man without my boyfriend present!

 

I feel the same way. As you say, if I meet an opposite sex friend, my partner would be welcome to join us - but I would not cancel just because he was not available to chaperone me.

 

I trust my partner completely. He is welcome to make whatever friends he likes. I enjoy the same respect from him. It's good.

 

I also understand MarcJ's point a little bit. I would understand my partner feeling a bit strange if I had an opposite sex friend and I preferred to see this friend alone - if I didn't allow my partner to meet or hang out with this friend.

 

I don't think that friends need to become equal friends of both partners, but the door needs to be left open for that to happen.

[Quiet Storm]

This is what I think it comes down to in most cases. I'm generalizing here, as there are obviously some men that are OK with their GF's being alone with other guys, but I think when this does become an issue in a relationship, it's because of the following:

 

 

 

1) Many men think sexual thoughts about attractive women they are friends with or in close proximity to

 

2) Boyfriends/husbands know this because they have experienced it

 

3) Many men feel the inherent need to protect their loved ones, even when their GF logically doesn't need protection

 

4) Many men are naturally territorial, and feel a sort of ownership over their GFs/wives

 

5) Men don't like the idea of their GF being used, and many guys feel that "friendship" is used as a way for men to feed off a woman's sexual energy.

 

6) Men want their women to be "smart", i.e. recognize when they are being used, and avoid people that use them

 

7) Many women feel that if all conversations are platonic & no moves are made, that the man is not sexually attracted to her

 

8) Women value emotional connections & experiences with friends, and can have a hard time letting go

 

9) Many women hate to hurt a person's feelings, and avoid setting limits with people because they don't want to be mean or create conflict

 

10) Many women believe that women & men can have a genuine friendship, even if the man is sexually attracted to her.

 

11) Many women believe that as long as she is not attracted to a man, the man's feelings for her are redundant because nothing sexual will ever happen

 

I am not saying that the above beliefs are right or wrong, true or false. It's all subjective. We could argue all day about what men should change & what women should change. We can call it insecurity, lack of trust, a need to control, naïvete, a need for validation, etc. The reality is that, whatever you call it & whoever you want to blame it on, it's a common problem, with no easy solution.

 

When you have long term relationships and marriages, conflict isn't always about who is right or wrong. It is a team effort, and you make choices for the good of the relationship. Sometimes one person compromises, and the next time the other person compromises. It's give & take. This is what I mean by "protect" the relationship. People get caught up in who is right or wrong, who is insecure, who needs to change, who should be the one sacrificing. In doing that, you lose the "team" or partnership mentality. It becomes "what I want" instead of "what's best for us". I think if you are just dating & looking for companionship, it's OK to be in "what I want" mode. But in a committed long term relationship, I think it's important to consider all sides. Not just how decisions affect you both individually, but how those choices affect the dynamics of your relationship going forward.

[cutewing]

I am not saying that the above beliefs are right or wrong, true or false. It's all subjective. We could argue all day about what men should change & what women should change. We can call it insecurity, lack of trust, a need to control, naïvete, a need for validation, etc. The reality is that, whatever you call it & whoever you want to blame it on, it's a common problem, with no easy solution.

When you have long term relationships and marriages, conflict isn't always about who is right or wrong. It is a team effort, and you make choices for the good of the relationship. Sometimes one person compromises, and the next time the other person compromises. It's give & take. This is what I mean by "protect" the relationship. People get caught up in who is right or wrong, who is insecure, who needs to change, who should be the one sacrificing. In doing that, you lose the "team" or partnership mentality. It becomes "what I want" instead of "what's best for us". I think if you are just dating & looking for companionship, it's OK to be in "what I want" mode. But in a committed long term relationship, I think it's important to consider all sides. Not just how decisions affect you both individually, but how those choices affect the dynamics of your relationship going forward.

 

I'd like you all to know that I've already resolved this matter with my boyfriend and everything is great between us now . For a fact, most of the posts in the beginning made it very clear that I was in the wrong. I felt pretty bad about myself.. I'm not going to lie, so I acted upon those posts that I read in the beginning and acknowledged fully that it was my fault. Unfortunately, I didn't quite get to the opinions that followed until after I had fixed things with my boyfriend. I agree with others who believe that the other posters' opinion about me being wrong is pathetic and quite sad. That is just an opinion we share - It is not right, nor is it wrong.

 

In the end, I found this particular situation to be pretty divided. Looking back.. to a certain extent.. Keenly, d0nnivain, veggirl, sillyanswer, almond, central, CrystalCastles, iiiii shared the same point of view as me, while TXGuy, Tbisb74, marcjb, Quiet Storm, joystickd, todreaminblue, bubbaganoosh, NyTransplant shared the same point of view as my boyfriend. It's pretty interesting to me how it evened out like that.

 

From this, I learned that there are only 2 ways of thinking in this particular situation. Both of which I've discovered first hand. Mine and other like-minded people's perspective is on one end of the spectrum, while my boyfriend and other people's take on this matter is on the completely opposing end. I believe these 2 very distinct views stem from different upbringings, past experiences and the way our mind perceives our surroundings.

 

To be honest, if I were to have waited until after I had read every post until the very last one on this thread to act upon this situation, I would not have changed the way I acted earlier when I told you guys I was going to apologize to my boyfriend. I would still have acknowledged my fault towards my boyfriend. What I have accepted is that I was too set on trying to prove that I was right. Subconsciously, what was going through my mind was "You feel this way, well.. I don't feel this way. So get over it.". I realized that my pride and ego is what caused me to discount his feelings. His feelings are real on this matter. I wouldn't be a good girlfriend if I just tossed his feelings and the fact that he was hurting aside as if it was nothing.

 

The post that resonates with me most of all is Quiet Storm's post above mine that I just quoted. I really could bold everything she wrote because of the truth in all of her words. For success in a relationship, it's not about who's right and who's wrong.. it's about being a team. You can't just think about yourself when there's a partnership. Both parties need to have each others backs. We're supposed to give attention and be considerate to each other's wants and needs. We both need to make sure that we're good, and doing "what's best for us". It's not what I should have done in this situation alone. I realized how crucial it is for both of us to carry forward this mentality for the good of our relationship!

 

I've said this in practically every post of mine, but thank you all again for sharing your opinions and advice. I learned a very important lesson from this.

Edited July 25, 2014 by cutewing

[cutewing]

So why is your husband not your best friend? Marriage is about starting a new life with that one person you decided you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. Hanging out with a bunch of single people is a recipe for disaster. Would you like it if he went and hung out with his best girl friend? Time to wake up and grow up.

 

Haha, I find this comment laughable! Either you can't read, understand simple english, or you're blindly commenting without reading my post or the posts following it. To be honest, I don't even think you read the title. Not once did I bring up "marriage" or "husband". Have a nice day!

 

***FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO AREN'T CAUGHT UP ON THIS ISSUE - IT HAS BEEN RESOLVED. I RECAPPED EVERYTHING (WHAT I DID AFTERWARDS AND WHAT I LEARNED) ON PAGE 3.***

Edited July 25, 2014 by cutewing