My LDR bf may be moving further away - scared he'll break up with me

[pennyflower]

I know this is long, but I'm desperate for advice and am so grateful for any response I get.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend long distance for 11 months (I'm 24, he's 28). We met when I was visiting a friend in the small town he currently lives in (about 6 hrs drive away from the city I live in, which is also where he grew up). Back and forth, we have probably made over 20 trips to see each other in the time we've been together, and we generally talk on the phone or on skype every day. We've had bumps along the way and doubts that we have expressed to one another - when we're apart these doubts seem to proliferate in my mind, but we do love each other and when we're together, it feels obvious that we are right to stay together. I've never been in love before him so there's a chance that I'm just naive, but I think it would take me a very long time to find someone like him again - who I feel understood by (mostly), relate to, argue well with, respect etc. We have minor issues with communication etc, and I feel that these are exacerbated by being LDR but nothing deal-breaking.

 

His workplace/job causes him considerable stress and misery and I worry about his mental health. He also really doesn't like the town he works in and feels isolated there. When we got together, the plan was that he would move back home within a few months, but it is incredibly difficult to find work in his industry and whenever he applied he was unsuccessful. After talking about it together, he began looking for jobs interstate a few months ago, and he's currently waiting to hear back about a job that he got through to the next round with, and I think he's quite likely to get (an expensive 3 hr flight away, for an indefinite amount of time).

 

A big part of me wants him to get the job because I want him to be relieved of his constant stress/boredom/unhappiness with his current situation, and I know he'll be devastated if he doesn't get it. But of course, I'm worried about what will happen to us if he does, and as the potential offer is looming I feel more and more anxious about it, and things seem to be becoming more tense between us as I try to hold it together (I don't want to add extra stress as he's already very nervous about hearing back - it's pretty high stakes for him).

 

A while back he said that he didn't know if we would be able to last if he moved across the country (significantly further away than the job he is currently going for), and at that time I told him that it wasn't useful to talk about the prospect of breaking up before we need to, because it makes me really upset, but that breaking up would be a last resort for me. I changed the subject after that so I never got to find out if he reciprocated - I assume from other conversations that he does, but it did hurt me to know that he was looking for jobs knowing that getting one would likely result in our breakup (in his opinion) - however, I can also appreciate that he is unhappy where he is, and that he has to put himself first at the end of the day. I wouldn't want him to remain unhappy for me, and I don't think it's as black and white as "if he wants to be with you he'll do anything".

 

It's playing on my mind now that he is going to break up with me if he gets this job. I don't want to initiate that conversation of hypotheticals (because he's stressed, and because I also don't want to hear him say he'd consider breaking up) so I'm kind of suspended in this anxiety state until he hears back.

 

As I experience more worry and anxiety about the uncertainty of our future, I start questioning whether it's worth it. I tend towards anxiety and negative thinking generally (both of which I am very much working on) and as much as my relationship has been one of the most beautiful things to ever happen to me, it is often a source of stress, especially when we haven't seen each other in a while, or I know he's applying interstate. If he goes and we do stay together, I worry that I will always be worried that things won't work out, or we'll never find a way to be together, and the long stretches of time apart will allow doubts and fear or boredom to grow.

 

Additionally, knowing that I am sensitive and anxious makes me doubt the validity of expressing my feelings sometimes - I don't want to be kicking and screaming (or more realistically, sobbing quietly) over the phone looking for relief every time I feel emotionally uncomfortable about our situation (my threshold is for emotion is much lower than his) so if I can, I generally hold back until I can get my thoughts together and approach it at least slightly more rationally. I genuinely can't tell whether I'm being a pushover by letting his stress/situation govern my behaviour or whether I'm just being empathic and practical.

 

So I'm flicking between intense fear of him breaking up with me and losing him, and wondering whether I actually want to end it to be relieved of this anxiety. It's a mess and I don't expect anyone to know the answer - but if anyone could shed some light, that would be so appreciated.

 

Thank you!

[pennyflower]

p.s. I forgot to say! I will not be able to move from my city for at least 18 months due to my own job, but based on our relationship now, I would definitely consider moving for him after that time.

[Els]

Welcome, pennyflower.

 

Sorry if I missed it, but I'm a bit confused - did he try applying for jobs where you currently live, or in any of the towns nearby? Was interstate literally the only option, did he explore any others?

 

I think it's quite worrisome that he is talking about the R not lasting in the face of a LDR. That, IMO, will be the biggest issue, not necessarily the distance itself. Distance is workable, but only if BOTH people have faith in the relationship and want to make things work through the distance. It doesn't sound like he is up to that.

 

Dealing with anxiety in the midst of relationship stress from a semi-LDR is pretty darn torturous. Trust me, I understand. Have you sought professional help for your anxiety? It can make a world of a difference, also.

 

Seems like my response contains more questions than answers (oops!)... but unfortunately I don't think there's an easy answer to this.

[pennyflower]

Hi Elswyth, and thank you so much for replying.

 

He did try applying for jobs around where I live on an ongoing basis but there was rarely anything to apply for, and when there was, he was unsuccessful. He wasn't willing to take a job outside of his career or a step down - I never asked him to do this, and I totally respect that decision and would be the same in his position. So technically he didn't exhaust ALL options, but I probably wouldn't either if I were him.

 

I think you're right that his doubts are worrisome. I called him last night after writing that post because I suddenly felt so sick of not knowing what was going on. He basically said that if he gets the job he would try LDR, but that ultimately he doesn't think it would work out. When I'm less emotional I feel the same way, but currently I'm extremely labile - flicking between acknowledging that I need to "accept" the practical limitations, and my gut instinct to hold on tightly to this imperfect but special, rare thing.

 

If he gets this job, I think we'll have to break up, for the same reasons you spoke about - I would only be willing to try the LDR if I felt that he was 100% on board. Which I know now that he isn't.

 

Which brings me to my next problem. Maybe I should just break up with him now. Even if he doesn't get this job, and remains in his current situation for another year or however long, he will keep looking for jobs, and I am always going to carry around the fear of an imminent break-up.

 

And, do I want to be with someone who wouldn't be willing to try to make it work with me when things got really difficult? I understand that a lot of it is circumstance and cannot be changed, but I know that people are capable of getting through it, and his willingness to let things end is registering with me as a red flag. I'm not fine with him wanting a job so badly while also knowing (from his perspective) that the job will result in our breakup. - Even though I know it's more complicated than this.

 

Essentially the paths are:

 

1) Break up now - he get's the job and I save myself a little bit of grieving time

2) Break up now - he doesn't get the job, I save myself a lot of grieving time by avoiding this happening recurrently in the future and us ultimately breaking up anyway when he does eventually get a job

3) Wait to hear if he gets the job - suffer through the next week or so (there's no indication of how long it will take to hear back) and if he gets it, we break up

4) Wait to hear if he gets the job - suffer through the next week or so, then if he doesn't get it, make a plan from there, knowing that in all likelihood I will be feeling this awful again soon enough, but that there's a chance it might work out and he might get a job closer to home.

 

And I'm completely lost as to what to do. In the interest of protecting myself from likely recurrent future pain I am trying to accept that this needs to end, but my *heart* (ugh) absolutely does not want that.

 

Also, thanks for asking about my anxiety - I've been off SSRI's for almost 7 months and currently seeing a psychologist. It would probably have helped to have been on the medication through all of this! But I'm managing.

[d0nnivain]

Don't break up now. Calm down & appreciate the moments you have. Predicting the worst & stressing about it makes it more likely that your fears will be realized.

 

If he gets the job, talk to him about what that means.

 

Do not plan to move just because of him. You have to independently want to go there.

 

If you can move you must be prepared to get your own place & not go straight from LDR to living together.

 

There is lots of technology to keep you connected. 18 months isn't that long. People have survived longer separations with only snail mail to keep them communicating.

[Els]

Which brings me to my next problem. Maybe I should just break up with him now. Even if he doesn't get this job, and remains in his current situation for another year or however long, he will keep looking for jobs, and I am always going to carry around the fear of an imminent break-up.

 

And, do I want to be with someone who wouldn't be willing to try to make it work with me when things got really difficult? I understand that a lot of it is circumstance and cannot be changed, but I know that people are capable of getting through it, and his willingness to let things end is registering with me as a red flag. I'm not fine with him wanting a job so badly while also knowing (from his perspective) that the job will result in our breakup. - Even though I know it's more complicated than this.

 

Hrrmmm.. I'm not sure this would be the wisest course of action. I mean, things change, relationships develop, people change. 11 months is still quite early in a relationship, and you don't know what his thoughts would be if the distance starts a year or two from now. Plus he might luck out and get a job where you are, or you might both get jobs in the same city after you graduate. I'm all for people protecting themselves, but this seems a little TOO preemptive IMO.

 

Sometimes you do have to take risks for a relationship that you believe in. If he does get the job and he reaffirms that he doesn't think a LDR will work, then break up by all means. But at least wait til then, if he means anything to you.

 

Also, thanks for asking about my anxiety - I've been off SSRI's for almost 7 months and currently seeing a psychologist. It would probably have helped to have been on the medication through all of this! But I'm managing.

Ah, okay, fair enough. Do you feel that going off was the right thing to do, for you?

[justwhoiam]

I would only be willing to try the LDR if I felt that he was 100% on board.

I agree with that.

 

Maybe I should just break up with him now.

I would think like that too.

 

Even if he doesn't get this job, and remains in his current situation for another year or however long, he will keep looking for jobs, and I am always going to carry around the fear of an imminent break-up.

Yeah, I mean, what kind of deal is that? Being together depending on the convenience of that? When you meet him, you'll know he's there with you just because he hasn't found another job yet... it feels like you have a timer around your neck and a bad sign on your forehead... I would definitely not like this situation at all. The temporary gf until when he finds a new job and drop you...........

 

I think you should have had this kind of talk BEFORE he started sending out resumes and applications. And with you letting him know that you'd move with pleasure in 1,5 year. That's nothing, believe me. If two people are in love. He's not a youngie either, he's 28. So, if in his mind he's considering dropping you, there must be a reason that goes beyond distance. This is what I think. Sorry for the negativity, but if he has strong enough feelings for you, he needs to let them out and let you know. Because you have no other way to know. And you can't be left at guessing, if this relationship is serious. If it's not, you need to be aware of that and decide for yourself too.

 

do I want to be with someone who wouldn't be willing to try to make it work with me when things got really difficult?

Right. Do you?

 

I'm not fine with him wanting a job so badly while also knowing (from his perspective) that the job will result in our breakup.

Well, he's entitled to be happy. A job for a man is like the world.... But of course, you'd expect a bit of sadness from breaking up with you. I guess he's not associating the two things like you are doing. In fact, he clearly told you he wouldn't break up with you right away if he gets a new job. He'd give it a try with a LDR. If it doesn't work, next step is break up. That's his male perspective. You can either accept it or walk away.

 

My man desperately wanted to work for a certain company, he got there for interviews like 3 times, but then lots of uncertainty. It took him 7 months to get that job. 7 months of hell, even while I was there. He got into depression because of it and had to go on meds. He's still having repercussions from the meds he had to take. He stopped taking them last month, and then experiencing withdrawal.

 

Also, yes, see a psychologist, but forget the meds unless they are strictly necessary (which I think they are not in most cases).

[pennyflower]

Hey, thanks so much to everyone who responded.

 

We ended up breaking up. It was really difficult and I'm heartbroken, but I know that it's for the best. In a way, it's a relief to know that this is the last time I'll be THIS sad over him, and I don't have to worry about the future anymore.

 

I'm actually going to post something about it in the break-ups folder if anyone could help me.

 

Thank you again

[Els]

Hey, thanks so much to everyone who responded.

 

We ended up breaking up. It was really difficult and I'm heartbroken, but I know that it's for the best. In a way, it's a relief to know that this is the last time I'll be THIS sad over him, and I don't have to worry about the future anymore.

 

I'm actually going to post something about it in the break-ups folder if anyone could help me.

 

Thank you again

 

If you feel that this was the right decision, then it is the right decision for you.

 

All the best!

[USMCHokie]

Hey, thanks so much to everyone who responded.

 

We ended up breaking up. It was really difficult and I'm heartbroken, but I know that it's for the best. In a way, it's a relief to know that this is the last time I'll be THIS sad over him, and I don't have to worry about the future anymore.

 

I'm actually going to post something about it in the break-ups folder if anyone could help me.

 

Thank you again

 

This was the right decision.