Is checking his cell, witholding it and refusing to leave psycho?

[beyondcrushed]

My bf and I broke up last Tuesday night. We've been together for a total of 12 months. We live in separate homes. We do not have children together. We do not share any assets together. But we work together.

 

Couple months before the break up, i suspected he was having an affair (emotional or physical) with a woman. He denied anything is going on and said she is just a friend. Tuesday night when he was in the shower, I looked at text messages between him and the woman on his cellphone, which he left unlocked in his bedroom. The texts made it clear he was having an emotional affair with her. I decided I was done with him and the relationship. When he came from the shower, he asked what was going on. When I told him, and showed him the texts, he denied he was physically involved with her and that's just how they talk to each other. I then began to look at other text conversations between him and other people. He asked for his phone back. I wouldn't give it back to him. He said he'd take it then, and wrestled me to the bed. I wouldn't give it back. He then threatened me, "Give it back, or I'll hit you." I wouldn't give it back and he hit me in the face. He then got off of me and said the relationship is over for him and its my fault. We talked about some things. He then asked me to leave his house. But I didn't want to leave. I still wanted to talk. He asked me to leave repeatedly and I wouldn't. He then threatened to call the police, and I wouldn't leave. So he called the police. I left when he was on the phone with 911. I went home and never seen or spoken to him or any police.

 

I would now like to know if MY behaviour that night was crazy, out of line, or pyscho. Now, I know my exbf's behaviour was horrible....even the weeks leading up to this night. And I should've left as soon as I saw the texts with the other woman. (Actually, I should've left long long ago. Ugh.) And I deeply regret not doing so. I am seeing a therapist and getting help for low self esteem and insecurity. And that's a whole other story. But right now, I want to know is if me checking his phone, keeping it from him and refusing to leave is crazy, out of line, or pycho. Thoughts?

[GorillaTheater]

The label for your behavior that I'd choose is "unwise", maybe "monumentally unwise".

 

Certainly by the time he was threatening violence, you should have given the phone back. Why not? Didn't you know everything you needed to know at that point? Why didn't you give it back when things were clearly escalating?

 

And not immediately leaving after he hit you?? Good lord, woman. What if the violence kept escalating?

[Zahara]

But right now, I want to know is if me checking his phone, keeping it from him and refusing to leave is crazy, out of line, or pycho. Thoughts?

 

1. You had enough evidence that something was going on so I have no idea why you had to tussle over the phone. The moment you saw those messages, you should have said your piece and walked out. Instead, you chose to keep going at it.

 

2. He threatened to hit you and he did and you still sat there and talked to him.

 

3. When he told you that he was calling the police, I am not sure why you still chose to sit there? You got the evidence you needed, what else were you hoping for by insisting on remaining in his home and talking more?

 

4. I believe that night he also threatened to harm your child, and you still remained there.

 

You exhibited unhealthy behavior and you were in a relationship with very little to no boundaries. I'm sure you ask these questions because you're concerned as to how he views you and whether he is right in blaming you. It's irrelevant. You should be focusing on why you did what you did and how to work on your self-esteem and your boundaries.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh, you also asked about checking the phone in the first place.

 

Not "psycho" behavior, but I have some mixed feelings about that. I believe that in a marriage, there's no right of privacy outside of the bathroom. When there's no marriage, privacy DOES become an issue for me. But by the same token, it seems you had a gut feeling, and were proved to be right. You discovered information you likely wouldn't have known otherwise. Including the fact that your ex was as nutty as an Almond Joy bar.

[PegNosePete]

Why are you posting this thread again? Do you expect any different answers?

[Michelle ma Belle]

The fact that you're even posting this question tells me that you already know the answer to your own question.

[rewl]

Weren't you the one who posted the same thing in another thread and thought about calling the police on him? Lol Good luck with that. You definitely need therapy.

[GorillaTheater]

Weren't you the one who posted the same thing in another thread and thought about calling the police on him? Lol Good luck with that. You definitely need therapy.

 

She should call the police, even though she may have waited too long.

 

She also should have repeatedly tasered his ass.

[No Limit]

He HIT you. Be glad you're rid of him, now he's OWs problem.

[Zahara]

OP, I read the thread in the Abuse forum.

 

You should have called the police then and there, when he struck you. No doubt. You should have reported him when he threatened your child. Do it now even if a week has gone by.

 

But out of curiosity, I have to wonder if he gave you the time and sat down and spoke to you that night and everything resumed back to normal, would you have even contemplated making a report?

 

This is a big sign to you that your boundaries are non-existent. A week later, you say you want to make the report incase he hurts someone else. He threatened your child and you didn't run yourself to the police station and report it. He hit you and you didn't run yourself to the police station to report it.

 

Huge indication to you that you need to keep up working on yourself. You said you had 5 guys already lined up after this ended. I hope you scrapped the idea of dating, even if it's for fun. Invest time in loving yourself and getting healthy.

[d0nnivain]

It's not all that bad but on a witness stand during cross examination a good defense lawyer will twist it so that you do come out looking like a complete psycho.

 

 

The psycho parts are not giving the phone back, baiting the escalation of the situation & then staying after he hit you.

[SensitiveTJ]

Yes, it is "pyscho behavior." I speak having been in this situation myself. Refusing to leave someone's house is not an acceptable move. I didn't read the rest.

[PerfectStorm]

I wouldn't call the police but I would never speak to him again. Violence for any reason shouldn't be tolerated. There are so many red flags here, I went back and read some of your other threads to get a gist of your realtionship and it sounds to me like this man is like a very manipulative PLAYER. He has also probably been seeing other women for longer than you expect.

 

You said that he voluntarily told you that his guy friends send naked pics of women to him. How do you know that he doesn't just have women's names saved as a mans and these are women sending him naked pics?

 

Also, you mentioned a canoe trip a year ago where he started pulling away and told you he wasn't as interested, ect. This is always the first sign of an affair. You all have also had numerous break ups which is also a sign of a man in affair and not sure what he wants but that he's pretty sure he doesn't want to be with you. You're just his safety net he keeps going back to. And I hate to tell you it sounds like it was a year ago this could have started. You said that all your bff's stopped talking to you because you went back to him it seems like you're the only one that doesn't get that he is bad news. Just leave the man alone.

 

Sounds to me like he is probably having an emotional possibly physcial affair for a long time. Does he travel a lot for work by chance or go out of town often?

Edited July 22, 2014 by PerfectStorm

[beyondcrushed]

Yah, I will never talk to him again. I even loath the thought of having to for work related items. Ugh. Just upset with myself that it took me this long, this much bs and violence to see the light. Again, I'm getting help.

 

He rarely travels for work. But he makes "friends" with women everywhere and anywhere he goes. Often begins texting them soon after they meet.

 

He claimed to have fallen in love with that mother just through texting.

 

Even if his claims are true and he doesn't have a physical relationship with that bartender, its a slippery slope. I told him this and that he's crossing a line; and is acting inappropriately. But he didn't admit to or recognize this. Thought I was silly. But his past behaviour all shows this pattern in him. Sparks friendships with women, texts, falls in love....then maybe something physical.

[Simon Phoenix]

You both are nuts in the head. Him for obviously hitting you (which is a no-no) and you for not giving the phone back, even after you were threatened, and then refusing to leave his home after he hit you. I mean, what the hell were you thinking not giving the phone back? You had the evidence with your own two eyes, what was the point?

 

I agree with the others. You need to be done with this man and you need to figure out how to resolve conflicts like an adult without being "psycho". Then maybe you'll find a man who's a bit healthier himself.

[TigerLilly78]

I would have just left the phone open to the text were he could see I saw them gotten my things walked out and never spoken to him again. That way you leave with your dignity at least you weren't really psycho im guessing this question comes from him saying so but you did make the wrong choice in this instance..

[NoLeafClover]

Almost all my ex's were like this but it was mostly due to the arguments about them lying.

 

I'd catch them lying, we'd start to argue at my house and I would be so fumed and pissed I'd ask them to leave to cool off.

 

There were times the would leave and sit in the driveway, there were times they would not leave and even get in my face.

 

If i were at someone else's house or my ex's house I'd leave but when you're at your own house You can't just leave especially if you're dealing and feeling like someone is lying and cheating on you constantly.

 

It's a terrible thing to do. Being the guy in your bf's shoes, you should not be the OWNER of someone else's home. If you are told to leave, you need to leave. If you are told to give the phone back, you give the phone back.

 

It is disrespectful. I am sorry but it really is just as bad as when he asked you to leave although I can understand why he felt that way and I can understand why you felt the need to not let go of his phone.

 

He had something to hide clearly, but you will not find it forcefully. You were like me in my last relationship. You did not trust your partner and I am sure you had a reason to. You felt he was cheating (as I was) and i have learned to always trust your gut feeling.

 

There are lies with an open book and there are lies with a screen lock pattern. Completely two different things.

 

A month before my breakup, I gave my ex my passwords to both my computers so she can use when she was over my house. Three days after we got into an argument and first thing she brought up was how she went through all my folders and pictures trying to dig for pics of me and my ex from years ago (they were saved on my PC but I had no idea they were even there it had been so long) and was holding it inside for no reason.

She used that as a weapon to justify her lying from other situations.

 

Your situation is not a good one. I have always told my ex's I'd call the police and even grabbed the phone once time acting as if I was going to call them but I NEVER WILL AND NEVER WOULD. There is a different between wanting space and calling the police as if you were a criminal.

 

Regardless, let this be a lesson. Do not invade someone's privacy by being sneaky and if it doesn't belong to you give it back when asked.

Also, as hard as it maybe, don't lower yourself more by sticking around when asked to leave. It is low enough you are being asked to leave let alone having the police called at.

 

You are better than that. Don't put yourself in that situation. If you find a text, bring it up then walk out that place. You leave a strong message and you show that you mean business.

 

I hope the best for you, I know it's a tough situation as I have been it the same shoes. The worst part for me was that I felt I was the crazy one even after asking my ex who was lying to leave my house.

 

I'd suggest give things some time to cool off. Do not contact and wait until he contacts you but DO NOT CONTACT for your own good.

[beyondcrushed]

Yah, I won't ever contact him.

 

Yah, I wish I left with dignity. I keep replaying that scene with a different storyline...with me leaving the cell on the bed (and yes, on that text), and leaving without a word, ever. Ugh! Wish so bad.

 

Glad to know someone else has had these types of arguments.

 

Yah, I need to address my own issues so I can meet and choose healthier men.

[Eddy Street]

He hit you? My father used to hit my mom, and he used to beat the crap out of me. Then my step-father did the same thing. It's an awful thing. If he hit you that should be it. Forget him.

 

Have more self-respect. If I were you, and he hit me, I'd do everything in my power legally to make him wish he was dead.

[beyondcrushed]

Yah, legally I could get him arrested. And I understanding your viewpoint, completely for suggesting doing that. But, he's out of my life for good, and I have no fear he'll hurt me again, so I don't want to drag this out in court. Too much stress. And I have to work with the a-hole. Just want to move on.