ashy555 Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 When I first started dating at about 17.. 18, I would fall head over heels for pretty much every guy that showed interest and took me on dates. Of course every time it ended with my heart shattered to pieces. I have even had this one same guy who keeps hurting me over and over. I still think about him and get angry that I let him treat me so poorly. He is currently single again and trying to wiggle his way back in which I wont have a bar of. The main thing is I don't regret my past one bit as I have learnt so many lessons about myself. It used to be so easy for me to fall for someone.. even the complete jerks. I was blinded but lately it just feels harder and harder. I usually have quite a few men who are interested and try to pursue me. Have been out with about 8 different men this year alone. I have not felt anything for ANY of them. I had one even try and kiss me and i was repulsed. They are quite attractive guys but I seem to have lost all interest altogether. I never have the confidence to keep seeing them out of fear of having to let them down. Its like I set myself up for a fail before I have even gotten to know them. I am generally quite a happy 24yo girl. I have been single all my life.. I have just built my own house which I saved very hard for and I love the thought of being in a relationship with someone eventually. My latest guy was even someone who I used to have a HUGE crush on about 4 years ago. We got on quite well the other night but every time he msgs me my stomach sinks a little... It happens to every one. I am thinking it is because I am much more mature now and not as naive(which is good) But I am also worried I am not giving men a chance. My dad keeps telling me if I keep knocking men back I won't find anyone. I just don't seem to be interested in any of them. I don't want to start a relationship when the thought of being with them makes me cringe. I do feel like half the time men approach me because of my looks, but once they get to know or sleep with me they run. I used to feel not good enough but lately I am quite content and not too worried about that factor as i know someday someone will love me for me.. I sometimes think that maybe the past has taken its toll on me and subconsciously I am not opening myself up to anyone... I dont feel like that though.... :confused: Maybe it is because i have not met the right one. It is just all my friends are constantly in and out of relationships and I am still over here waiting for my first proper one while being messed around with by every man on the planet. :( I am just scared that I am going to reject the man of my dreams soon for no reason. Do i need to see a therapist?
JungleLover Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Do i need to see a therapist? Absolutely. I am serious. You should start seeing a good professional while you are still young. 1
Author ashy555 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Absolutely. I am serious. You should start seeing a good professional while you are still young. I should.. but I feel like its a silly issue and may be because I have just not met the right one yet. My parents keep blaming me and making me feel like if I don't find someone soon I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am only 24
Eivuwan Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 I should.. but I feel like its a silly issue and may be because I have just not met the right one yet. My parents keep blaming me and making me feel like if I don't find someone soon I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am only 24 It's not a silly issue if it affects your lifelong happiness. Also tell your parents to get off your back. Your life, your mistakes, your decisions.
Author ashy555 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 It's not a silly issue if it affects your lifelong happiness. Also tell your parents to get off your back. Your life, your mistakes, your decisions. Oh they know to watch what they say to me now... but I know they still judge. I guess they just want me to be happy as both my sibling are now married with kids. The thing is I AM HAPPY... I am happy in this moment. I've got great friends, family, a great job, my own place! I consider myself very lucky in that regard. I just know that I could be even happier. I will seriously consider seeing a counsellor of some sort.. I have for a while. I was seeing a guy for just over 3 months end of last year.. I fell for him hard... but after all that time he thought he could just ignore me and that would be our breakup. That is the treatment I have had from every single man I have ever fallen for, but I always pick myself up (and my dignity) and focus on myself again. I just worry about the future lol
Eivuwan Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Is it something about the type of men you are falling for? My past relationships have all failed because I keep picking men who just have too much going on to pay attention to me.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Do i need to see a therapist? That was going to be my suggestion, yep.
Author ashy555 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Is it something about the type of men you are falling for? My past relationships have all failed because I keep picking men who just have too much going on to pay attention to me. Yes and I didn't realise this until a few months back. I always went for arrogant cocky men who chased me which I always misinterpret as confidence The last one was so insecure about himself he came on to me like a tonne of bricks.. then disappeared just as quick. He started off as needy.. but so up himself. Although this year I got on OLD which is where I met a fair few guys, but ?I did not enjoy it at all. They all seemed like lovely guys though but I didn't really feel anything. If I wasn't so afraid of having to reject them down the track I would at least try for a 2nd and 3rd date. I told one guy I wasn't interested as I jumped in too quickly after an ex(only 3 weeks after I was so called 'dumped' and I was still hurting) I was so honest with him and he accused me of lying straight away. Another I am still talking too but told him i wasn't feeling it before i lead him on too much. He understands but he is still clinging to me. He txts me, msges me on facebook and snapchats me all in the space of an hr. If I don't reply he msgs again and again. That I am pretty sure is what turned me off. After dropping me home on our first date, I had a msg from him AS I was still walking through the front door asking when he will see me again and if we can kiss next time. I'm not too sure how to stop that kind of repetitive behaviour.. first step is realising it.. GREAT.. now Im still dating nice guys(or so they all seem at first) but I am not interested. I am also listening to those red flags a little more than i used too
Eivuwan Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 I can understand not being attracted to clingy men who don't know how to take "no" for an answer. The harder part is understanding why you are not attracted to some of your more well-adjusted dates who are not cocky and arrogant.
Vyliss Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 There's nothing wrong (actually its natural) to be attracted to cocky, arrogant guys. It sounds like you have a very clear pattern when dating men though. You've already mentioned when you "fall hard" that's when men run away. Could it be because when you fall hard, you get quite clingy, needy and suffocate the man too much?
Author ashy555 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 There's nothing wrong (actually its natural) to be attracted to cocky, arrogant guys. It sounds like you have a very clear pattern when dating men though. You've already mentioned when you "fall hard" that's when men run away. Could it be because when you fall hard, you get quite clingy, needy and suffocate the man too much? Well the pattern as such usually starts with the man coming on really strong. I am in no way clingy. I hate clingy. Once I start to really like someone I do get a little anxious at tiny little things but I always keep it to myself. I think that is one of my downfalls though. I don't speak up and just wait for them. The last guy cancelled plans on me once while I was ready waiting for him to pick me up. I heard nothing from him so instead of txting him asking where he was, I just got ready for bed.. and cried myself to sleep He said his friend conned him into drinks at his house. Pfffffff why i didnt cut him loose then and there angers me lol instead he msgs the next day as if everything is ok and he gets away with it. But that is what the men i used to meet were like. I have had it happen to me with the guy before that. He asked me to go out.. then when it came to organising it he didn't reply to me... it was 8pm by this stage so i called him. He said he fell asleep and suggested we meet at Maccas halfway at 9.30pm.. of course i went and all he did was complain about how sick he was. Waste of a night. Woops.. I still cannot believe I let them treat me that way lol
Noproblem Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 I think you are still young, you can take a rest from dating for some months until you fully recover. Just because your friends are doing it, doesn't mean you have to do the same You are simply, still hurt and not ready to love again. You will be ready, but this will take time. Try to read books about self worth and confidence, inner happiness etc....
Vyliss Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 When a man comes onto you really strong, what do you do? Do you make them work for it? Or you just kind of take it. From the sound of it you take the passive approach with men - and I suspect that's why they walk all over you, because they know you won't get mad or call them out on **** behaviour - and when you make it easy for a guy, their attraction for you fades and they put less and less effort in - hence cancelling dates or taking you to Maccas lol
Fitguyinfl Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Read a book entitled "boundaries." You seriously need them. 1
travelbug1996 Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 yea you have weak boundaries and some men prey on women like you
CharlieFox Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 My parents keep blaming me and making me feel like if I don't find someone soon I will spend the rest of my life alone. I am only 24 Well, not to emphasize on "soon" because you're still young, but this might happen, yeah. One of my grandmothers, 70 years old, basically spent all her life alone. And when we ask her about it, she says that when she was young there were many guys chasing her (which is true, and she was indeed very pretty when she was your age), but for similar reasons she just rejected everyone, and now she deeply regrets it. I don't wish that for anyone, honestly...
carhill Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 OP, IMO it's OK to 'lose interest'. Life is about changes and phases. Just because you've lost interest today doesn't mean it's a life sentence. One suggestion though...you mentioned your friends are in and out of relationships all the time..... try establishing a social circle of steadily 'coupled' or 'married' friends, where the status quo is commitment and longevity. Such a social circle may bring different men into your view, perhaps ones more compatible on the everyday level, than the ones you're currently experiencing. Lastly, regarding the therapy thing, that's certainly possible, but I'd take a hard look at your relationships and whether you can build and maintain healthy relationships in general. As example, if you make friends readily and can maintain those friendships over time and feel positive about them, as well as have a few close friends of the same gender, then I would say, globally, that you're probably not a therapy candidate. That said, if there's a particular issue you wish to gain healthier tools on, say regarding which men amongst those who approach you to choose for dating as an example, perhaps you could learn some tools to try out. IMO, that's a pretty narrow focus for therapy but certainly doable.
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