missm Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 Hopefully I've come to the right place. Background: BF and I have been together 4 years this June. A few months after we met, I moved here to be with him - it was a mutual decision. I was scared because I knew no one here, but have created a life here that has been rewarding. The past few years with him have been wonderful. I knew he was the one for me when we met. We have had our difficulties - but we have a harmonious relationship for the most part. Recently, he told me that a woman he had met through work had come on to him and that they had been chatting online, emailing and talking on the phone - which explained why he was always "staying late" at work. This is the third incident in the past four years. None of the encounters have gone beyond online or talking on the phone. After the news, we kind of had it out and he said that he wanted me to move out of his house. Well, I took him up on that, went out and got an apartment and furnished it too - all in the same day! Later that same day he called and I let him know the news. He was very quiet - so I asked him if everything was okay. He of course said no...said that he was wrong, that he really needed me in his life, etc. I didn't know what to say but I promised him we would talk when we got home. Ultimately, he decided that he didn't really want me to leave - but was leaving it up to me. My heart said not to leave but my head told me I couldn't keep going through this. After a lot of thought, I decided that I was going to go through with moving out - but that we would not break up. Although it was a hard decision, I think it was one that had to be made. Otherwise, we'd keep going through this cycle. I told him that I wanted him to have his space and to really think about us...and where we should go from here. We decided that I would move back if/when we are married. We agreed that living alone is something neither of us has done - and maybe that was an important step we missed. I felt like we had made a mature decision - and until last night had the highest of hopes that this would be just what we needed. Then, I think reality set in because I'm feeling miserable and depressed and scared. I can't focus. My heart literally aches - I feel on the verge of tears with each moment that passes. Although I'm not "losing" him so to speak - I feel like I'm losing everything. We balance each other out and are a great couple. We share a lot of love and a lot of laughs between us - I can't imagine spending life with anyone else... Have I sealed the fate of our relationship by moving out? Has this worked for anyone else? M
Hund1976 Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 I wouldn't say you ruined your relationship. You probably should have thought about it a few days before you went out and got an apartment. But what's done is done. Use this as an opportunity to decide if you really want to marry this guy.
tattoomytoe Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 moving out is not a step back. i moved out of the house with my bf, though i moved back in my parents house, so i am not alone. and i think that will be the most difficult part of this separation of living spaces. i think it is great that you two are apart. it gives guy time to show responsibility for his actions, i.e.... you are not there, so he can almost do what ever he wants with whoever, whenever. That means there is this huge trust that he has to either maintain or not. and it give you both time away from each other, which helps you both see what the other does for you and how dependant you maybe.
glitter-gal Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 My 2 cents: I think that this is your "leap of faith" it will either make your relationship stronger or destroy it. In either case you can find some good ~~~> if he's not faithful then you don't need him anyway and if he is you will never doubt him again.
tattoomytoe Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 glitter*gal~ i like how you phrased it "leap of faith" it is soo true! i forgaot to add that me and my bf are still together. i think me moving out helped him grow up, a little bit, anyways. and we are still together.
Author missm Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 I tend to agree with you both and my initial thoughts were exactly that: it'll make us or break us. I'm not sure why I felt so insecure - maybe I'm just fearful of something that doesn't even have to do with the relationship - like being alone - I think it will be for the best though. Thanks for your thoughts! M
glitter-gal Posted February 22, 2005 Posted February 22, 2005 My 2 cents: Now that you are out on your own for a while, it's a great opportunity to deal with some of those issues you have with yourself so that when (or if) you get back together you will have so much more to bring to the relationship. Grab a funny girlie book to read, go to starbucks and chat with others over coffee, anything.... remember how good it is to spend time with yourself. You will impress yourself with what a great person you are and how great life is when all you have to worry about is yourself. You were meant to do something great on this Earth, so find out what it is and DO IT... that's how stars shine & rainbows appear!!
SoleMate Posted February 23, 2005 Posted February 23, 2005 I think moving out was the smartest thing you could have done. He has not shown commitment to your relationship, what with having cyber cuties on the side and asking you to move out. I wouldn't be so quick to assume that he has kept it all online either. His pushing you out of your shared dwelling may very well have been triggered by his guilt at physical infidelity. Whether it's just in his head, or also with his body, he is not showing with his actions that he is committed to you and to your happiness. I am quite sure that you did not just ruin a good relationship. You either shared in the ongoing dissolution of a not-good r/s, OR you took a step that will help both of you clarify what you are trying to accomplish and what you are willing to do to make it work. I am sure you are lonely, scared, and weirded out right now. THAT IS NATURAL WHEN THERE IS A BIG CHANGE IN ANY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, even if the separation is very much for the best. So don't give too much weight to your feelings of loneliness - they will pass. They are not the best guides to living life. Best to hold out for someone who will really put you first, for once and for all.
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