YankeeDay Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I've been in this annoying holding pattern purgatory-like situation with my boyfriend for 6 years. I've broken up with him several times because he's so unsure about marriage and kids. I tell him it doesn't mean we're horrible people if we split because of this. It just means that we don't want the same things. So I end it. He calls weeks or months later. "I've had a change of heart. I don't want to lose you. If us being married is what it takes then I'm ready. Let's do this. I want you forever. I've even been looking at rings and talking to my friends about this." We get back together. Months pass where marriage or that ring or those conversations are never mentioned again. Months turn into a year. Then two. I bring it up. He says he's scared. Scared to pull the trigger and mess up what we have. If we've had even the tiniest fight he'll pull that up and say "We even had a fight last week and I feel like we need to let time pass when we don't fight before we can talk about marriage. (Do people have relationships where they don't fight? I always thought fighting here and there was normal. A bad week is normal. Fistfighting is not normal. Bickering every day is not normal. Bickering after a stressful day is. And so on.) So I break up with him. And I'm an idiot because once he comes crawling back with his "I'm sorries" and "I'm ready this time" I cave. Because he always seems so genuine. And when we're together, we're so happy. I love this man and he loves me. He's everything I want in a partner. He'll do ANYTHING for me. Except for this huge glaring exception. I obviously don't have an issue ending our relationship because I feel like that although things are amazing, we're super incompatible in this area and it's a deal breaker to say the least. Where I do have an issue is staying apart from him because we do have such a great relationship day-to-day. Here's where I need help: 1. Why does this man do this (because I allow it, yes I know but...) I mean why does he cry wolf and say he's ready and be so genuine about it then let things cool off? He knows it just adds a level of friction and mistrust to our relationship. He doesn't "win" anything by doing this. It's not like he says "yes" lets get married with his fingers crossed under the table and then I get all gushy and he gets all the love and sex and happiness and then pretends like it never happened and lives happily ever after. Trust me. He doesn't. 2. His last "stall tactic" was that he needed something finance related to happen and then we would get engaged right after that. Well, said event is happening in August. Has he mentioned engagement in the last 6 or so months? Nope. Does he ever even use the word "marriage" or mention anything about kids or anything? Nope. Does he know my ring size? I don't know my ring size because I don't wear rings so I'm not sure how he would know... His friend said to me about a month ago "I don't know why he won't get married. I tell him all the time how weird it is. He has a huge house and money and stability. You're good to him. What is he waiting for?" His best friend asked ME that. I'm very close to his family and his aunt said to me the other day "I feel like maybe someday things will work out for you two." Basically, this is not a man who seems on the brink of a proposal. I feel like August is going to come and go like every other time where he's said "We'll get engaged after [insert milestone event]. I'm basically just over it all. The stalling. The waiting. The "This is it I promise" promises. I want to move. I hate my apartment. He asked me to wait to move because if I sign a lease for a year that then it would cost money to break it when we move in together after we get married. (Meaning he sees us getting married within the year). That was so long ago that I could have lived somewhere else and renewed a lease at this point and still be in limbo-love. I hate my furniture in my apt. I want to get rid of it and buy new furniture. He says wait, don't buy new furniture because we're going to live together and merge our homes after the wedding and his house is already totally furnished. So I'm living in an apartment I hate with furniture I hate because he says "wait, please." So I live in a constant state of "maybe" "waiting" "someday" "soon" "I'm not sure" "Yes I am". It's been like this for years. I know August is in a few weeks and I've waited this long. But there's this part of me that feels like I can't take another letdown. If August turns into September or October with no engagement, I just can't even think about it. I'd rather end it now. Thanks for reading if you made it through this ridiculously long post.
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Well, you do know you should break up with him for good, so that's positive. I'm sure you keep taking him back because you want to believe he will change. You're asking WHY he does all of this. I guess the easy answer would be that he enjoys the comfort of a relationship, but he doesn't want to commit to marriage specifically. I don't know the exact reason he doesn't want to get married. I mean, he's giving you BS reasons, but those aren't his real reasons. If someone wants to get married, they will make it happen, and it's been 6 years. He's had ample time, so I doubt he will make plans to marry you. I would ask him exactly what his reasons are, but don't expect honesty or any concrete answers. He might be the type that doesn't want to commit but is scared to leave as well. My ex was sort of similar. He would always come up with some BS excuse as to why we couldn't get married, but the weird thing about him was that he constantly talked about how much he wanted to get married. Of course, the actions didn't match. He would give me just enough action to keep me hooked. I did try to leave once, but he cried and made a show of wanting me to stay. So I stayed, and it ended up being a bad decision because he dumped me about a year later. I feel your pain, and it's hard with these types. It was hard, even day to day, because I knew he wasn't going to commit. I knew it in my heart, but I stayed because I loved him. I wanted him to finally wake up one day and marry me. I will tell you that I had to stop asking WHY at some point. I just had to take it at face value. He didn't want to marry me, and I can't give you a concrete reason. Whatever it was, he didn't see a future with me even though he pretended he did for some time. To me, the daily facade is even more puzzling, but it's not my issue to resolve any longer. Basically, when I started looking at myself and why I accepted the relationship that I didn't want, I made much more progress in moving on from him. Sorry I can't give you much insight into his reasons, but I would be willing to bet that they aren't that deep in the end.
Author YankeeDay Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Much of what you typed hits home for me. I care about him deeply and he isn't a bad guy. Not at all. He just keeps giving me enough to draw me back in. And I keep going back for more. I don't think I can do it this time. I feel like in August I'm going to hear another excuse and stall tactic. I'm going to have to end this.
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