I broke up with him, but why does it feel like the other way around?

[inexpfool]

Hello,

 

I apologize first if the content is all over the place. There's so much to explain.

 

Yesterday, I broke up with a guy I have been dating for almost 3 months. Even though I broke up with him, why does it feel like the other way around? I want to talk to him, but I don't know if I should be the first to initiate, or if I should even contact him anymore.

 

I met him through an app, which is known for being a hook-up app, but I believed I could find a good guy through it so I went for it. I vetted him around our second date just to be safe. I found a lot more than I bargained for. I found a forum he frequented for advice and how he just got out of relationship where he really liked the previous girl. She broke up with him. There was a month in between that break up and him meeting me. I dated one other person prior to him and that person cheated on me. I developed trust issues, especially since I'm poor at reading a person's true personality. So after reading how badly he tried to get her back, I started having doubts and thought that I might just be a rebound. But, after more interactions, I realized I genuinely liked him and he didn't do anything that would cause me to doubt him. The only thing was what I found and I chose to ignore it and pursue the relationship. I trusted him a lot and shared a lot with him. I thought our relationship was progressing.

 

But, lately, he has been acting more distant through our conversations. This last Saturday we went on a date and he barely talked to me. Instead, he was people watching, feeding birds, and texting his friends. The past week, our messages got smaller as well.

 

I figured that it was because he got bored of talking the same old topics with me, but I didn't want to jump to that conclusion without him actually saying it. I know his ideal type is a woman who is high maintenance, tanned-skin, intelligent (in the sense that it stimulates his mind), outgoing, opinionated, and takes care of her appearance. From our messages and his questioning, I started having thoughts that we weren't compatible. I was almost the exact opposite from his ideal type. I'm type B and he was a type A seeking a type A. I brought it up to him Saturday and he just said "I don't know. I don't think we're that different in terms of some values." After that it got a bit awkward and quiet, but I opened up to him again. He booked a restaurant at the end of this upcoming week and I couldn't wait to see him again.

 

But, something still seemed off because he just kept texting the whole day. I remember him saying he thought it was rude to text if people were having a conversation/dinner. So I did the dumbest thing I could have done. I went back to the forum he used and found a new post, this time about me. He listed all of the flaws he saw in me that annoyed him. The way he wrote each flaw killed me a little inside. I read it and burst out crying. It felt so horrible. I understood some of the points and was making an effort to change them because I thought he was trying to better me. But, the other points, I did not understand. They were so what the fudge. What hurt most was that I asked him on multiple occasions if I ever irritated him and he said no or can't think of any. I technically even brought it up Saturday during that date. He dodged my questions. Those flaws he listed, I told him at the beginning about them. He made it sound like it was something new he just found out. Right there and then, the first thing that popped into my head was I need to break up with him or he'll be the one to break my heart. I asked my girlfriends for advice and they agreed so I asked to meet him Sunday. The next dumb thing I did was to still give his best friend advice on his love life while I was still bawling my eyes out.

 

I met him yesterday (Sunday) and I told him what I found. I wanted to be strong and tell him how much it hurt me, how dumb some of the things he listed were, how he, too, showed immaturity at times, and end things. But, I faltered. It was so much harder to do in person. I couldn't do what I set out to do. I was going to give him all of his faults. But, I couldn't because I knew them from the start and accepted them since I liked him that much. I ended up tearing trying to speak. He stayed silent and gave me tissues. He said we haven't known each other long enough to know. Yet, he was able to create such a long list with such condemning tones underneath his words. I said wouldn't it be better to break up since we are not compatible. He said if I wanted to break up, he wasn't going to stop me. I sat silent for awhile, but the last words he said sunk into me and I got mad. It was like he didn't even care. So I said k, bye and left.

 

In his post, he also listed my positives and how he thought the relationship was progressing. He wanted to try and not give up. But, in the rage and hurtful state I was in, it didn't register in my mind. It definitely did not register when his last words came out. We haven't talked since. I know he could be offended that I found so much of his private life online and I would apologize, but I don't know if I should even try to contact him.

 

What should I do? Leave things as they are (no contact)? Try to talk to him to see if he really did mean what he posted (the negatives and positives)? I'm also curious for his explanations for some of the things on the list. Am I beating a dead horse? I know it's dumb to call quits when you're mad, but I couldn't contain my emotions. He is older just for reference (about 2 years).

 

Thank you in advance for having to read through all of that!

Edited July 21, 2014 by inexpfool

[inexpfool]

Ignore, it's been settled. Thanks.

[dumbass2]

Ignore, it's been settled. Thanks.

 

What happened?

[inexpfool]

What happened?

 

I asked him to talk. He said honestly there isn't anything to talk about so I respected his decision and backed off.

[dumbass2]

I asked him to talk. He said honestly there isn't anything to talk about so I respected his decision and backed off.

 

 

Good decision! Stick to it and move on.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

The guy really wasn't into you and you were brave enough to do the right thing and end it. You weren't feeling right and neither was he. The whole point of dating is to have fun and to find someone who you have chemistry and are compatible with. He wasn't the right guy for you and better to find out now rather than later when you're really invested.

 

There is someone out there who will love you AND your flaws. They will adore you for you and absolutely love being in a relationship with you.

 

You have invested nothing but a little time and attention with this guy. I know your pride is shot and you'll probably miss him a little but be confident that you pulled the trigger because it was the right thing for you. Own it and move on. There are PLENTY more guys out there.

[inexpfool]

Thanks for the responses! I appreciate them. It's just that I kind of wished I waited until the upcoming dinner and given him the benefit of the doubt. He's sweet in real life and always made an effort to talk. I remember the list of things he found annoying of me, but I don't really remember it. All I actually remember is the nice things he've done for me and the effort he shown.

[rewl]

The reason why it feels like he dumped you is because that's exactly what he did. He quite literally showed you the door, all you did was walk out of it.