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Why not look for like-minded partners if a bf/gf's sexual past is an issue?

ChamomileWind

By ChamomileWind
in General Relationship Discussion

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ChamomileWind Member

ChamomileWind

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Apparently this seems to be one of the biggest issues in a relationship and have already read countless stories about someone having problems getting over it, esp if they had a mild past themselves while their bf/gf had a wild phase in their younger years.

 

It's one thing if you were purposely lied to and you recently found out the truth about your bf/gf's past and you're posting on forums because while loving them, you're having problem dealing with that but if you knew about their past from the start, many months passed by and you're still having issues with it, why don't you look for a partner that has your similar past and shares your views? Is that so difficult?

 

If it's bothering them so much, why are they following ''the past is the past'' phrase and trying to get over it but apparently can't if they have to even post their issue or get into counseling. Again, why don't they look for those that share their similar past and are like-minded about how they feel about that area?

 

I wouldn't stay with someone if certain aspect/trait that I consider important is bothering me so much, not even if he was the last person on earth nor if it were to take me a while to find the like-minded individual.

Edited by ChamomileWind
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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)

I get what your saying.

 

A person with like minded values and beliefs is the key to a successful relationship. This is true, and sexual practice is a belief and values system (not right or wrong - just a belief)

 

Problem with women or men, is that like a stock, past performance is not a guarantee of future performance. That is what happened in the past might not represent the current person. For instance they may have used to have been a hunter or ate lots of meat, but are now a vegan, and believe vegetarianism is the right way to be now and with you, which is what you are looking for., so can you get over that at one point in their lives they cut up "bambi" and maybe were fine with it.

 

Also unfortunately many people lie or hide - about things in their past (sex, drugs, violence, religion, what ever) they know their loved one would not approve of. Sometimes this information comes out after you have fallen for them, or love them. Then the choice becomes more difficult, as it we get back to "who are you vs who where you" and how can I deal with this and if I love you shouldn't I forgive and accept anything (what ever that thing is) you did before me as not relevant ?

 

To flip the coin, what if their sexual past (what ever it was) was ok to you - what do they believe about sex with you? in a marriage? if your not in the mood, how little sex is too little, how much too much? are fantasies and toys ok? some acts off the table ?......and more values and beliefs on sex then just the past. The present and future are huge values to share yes?

 

But upon the central point of your post (even beyond sex) is choose to be with someone who shares your values - early on you need to elevate the conversation. This video speech hit home to me.

 

Daily Life Motivation 33 - Elevate The Conversation - YouTube

Edited by dichotomy
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Trane Established Member

Trane

Posted
Posted
It's hard to judge someone based on their sexual past when we don't know anything about it. It's not like when you meet someone, they say something like, "Hi, I'm Shelly. I just got done with a 5 man oral bukkake gang bang last week." Women usually don't go around telling anyone their exploits, so it takes us a while to learn about them. By the time we do, we are usually emotionally invested in her.

 

I will second this response. The outside picture never tells the complete story. Sometimes it's better to not know what you weren't a part of and not judge that person for what they did.

 

Taking a chance on a person means that you are willing to enjoy the NOW and not let the PAST colour your judgment of the present. If you can't accept a person's past, you're not giving that person a chance to show why they chose you.

marcjb Established Member

marcjb

Posted
Posted (edited)

The past is mainly an issue when a person keeps it around in the present, in the form of a "friend" whom they've been intimate with before (physically or emotionally), an ex, or if they keep an archive of pictures or emails, ect...

 

They will usually use the excuse of projecting blame onto you and say "don't try and erase my past". That could never happen obviously, but the point is that yes, the person has their past, but they have it in their memory if they truly want to access it again. There is nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong voluntarily keeping it around in the present. It's a good way of setting your future relationship up for failure right from the start.

Edited by marcjb
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ChamomileWind Member

ChamomileWind

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I always judge people by their past. I have found that the people who always say they shouldn't be judged by their past are the ones who screwed up a lot. Your past has a lot to do with who you are today. Couple that with the fact that it's pretty rare for a person to actually change who they are, then knowing their past becomes very important to knowing them as a person.
In a way it's very similar to a job interview. If someone already had a criminal record, though certain companies might still hire that person, they would be very leery of him/her. Giving second chances is a risk after all, because they can change for the better but maybe they can still go back to their old pattern once again.

 

Dichotomy, thanks for the video

It does have very important points to seek that goes way beyond just treating them as if they were new virgins and talking trivial topics. At some point, I think one has to know more details about them and decide from them because it's not forever going to be ''So what's your favorite color, hobby....'' esp if you are getting seriously invested into them.

Edited by ChamomileWind
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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Posted

That would be possible if women weren't encouraged to lie about their past.

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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Posted

I think most people are torn between what they heard the person was once and the picture they have of them today. If their BF/GF is "just such a nice guy/gal", and there's real feelings from your side, you just don't want to see it. Depending on how they act, these worries will either vanish or resurface.

 

Most of the time, they will resurface, and why some people want to believe that certain actions won't repeat themselves even though there are already apparent signals that it WILL happen is beyond me.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Posted
In a way it's very similar to a job interview. If someone already had a criminal record, though certain companies might still hire that person, they would be very leery of him/her. Giving second chances is a risk after all, because they can change for the better but maybe they can still go back to their old pattern once again.

 

.

 

I had a impressive past of professional behavior in my career. After the end of my first marriage, cruel betrayal and affair by my then wife, I became severely depressed. I had troubles functioning, I began to miss work, sometimes not even calling in, sometimes I just got up and left hours before the day was over - even lying where I was going. Yes, that bad. Finally the president of that company called me in , and said you have to resign or we let you go. Afterwards they found out what I was going through and were kind about it then but it was too late. However, I got lucky - a new company had started recruiting me just before I was forced to resign. I got the new job, without having to tell them why I had to leave. Surely they would NOT have hired me then - or I would have had to lie and hope they did not find out. I took a month off between jobs to clear my head and focus on my new job and being committed to it.

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somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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With men, since it's so hard for guys to get girlfriends, they are pretty much stuck when they find out their GF has a wild past.

 

A guy may have a huge used with his GF being wild, but he most likely won't dump her over it.

 

Also fact of the matter is that on average, girls are more likely to have a wild past than guys are.

 

If a guy has a wild past, it's probably not just his past, so what ever girl he is with should know what she's getting in to.

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rewl Established Member

rewl

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With men, since it's so hard for guys to get girlfriends, they are pretty much stuck when they find out their GF has a wild past.

 

A guy may have a huge used with his GF being wild, but he most likely won't dump her over it.

 

Also fact of the matter is that on average, girls are more likely to have a wild past than guys are.

 

If a guy has a wild past, it's probably not just his past, so what ever girl he is with should know what she's getting in to.

I would dump her in a second. I'm not going to have a former ho as the mother of my kids, that's madness.

hasaquestion Established Member

hasaquestion

Posted
Posted
With men, since it's so hard for guys to get girlfriends, they are pretty much stuck when they find out their GF has a wild past.

 

A guy may have a huge used with his GF being wild, but he most likely won't dump her over it.

 

Also fact of the matter is that on average, girls are more likely to have a wild past than guys are.

 

If a guy has a wild past, it's probably not just his past, so what ever girl he is with should know what she's getting in to.

 

Do you have any statistics or evidence of some kind to back this fact of the matter up? Seems like a rather grand statement, and one that ignores a lot of guys having a lot of sex.

fortyninethousand322 Established Member

fortyninethousand322

Posted
Posted
why don't you look for a partner that has your similar past and shares your views? Is that so difficult?

 

When you're a loser who couldn't get anyone to sleep with you if your life depended on it, it's hard to find someone with a similar past.

 

Granted, while I'm intimidated by a woman with an extensive past, I'm wise enough not to ask about it. Don't ask, don't tell as far as I'm concerned.

aussietigerwolf Established Member

aussietigerwolf

Posted
Posted
. For instance they may have used to have been a hunter or ate lots of meat, but are now a vegan, and believe vegetarianism is the right way to be now and with you, which is what you are looking for., so can you get over that at one point in their lives they cut up "bambi" and maybe were fine with it.

 

actually the vegans I've known soooo wouldn't be able to get past the fact that a person once ate meat, no matter how much a vegan they are now.

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ChamomileWind Member

ChamomileWind

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It's not hard for every guy to get a girlfriend. Also, it's kinda sad that some guys are willing to put up with things they don't want in a woman because they feel they can't get another one.
It's sad to hear they feel the need to just compromise and settle due to being afraid of being single and not finding his counterpart.

There is nothing wrong with being single if that's not what you want and aren't comfortable with it. I'd rather be single than staying with a guy who I fully know used to do it with hookers for years.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

If it's bothering them so much, why are they following ''the past is the past'' phrase and trying to get over it but apparently can't if they have to even post their issue or get into counseling. Again, why don't they look for those that share their similar past and are like-minded about how they feel about that area?

 

I wouldn't stay with someone if certain aspect/trait that I consider important is bothering me so much, not even if he was the last person on earth nor if it were to take me a while to find the like-minded individual.

It's because the issue is about their own insecurity, their lack of experience. Unfortunately what I have seen is that late bloomers/men who don't feel they have had enough success with women can be quite spiteful (probably the reason for their lack of experience in the first place) but they will stick around because they are c**p at getting women.

joystickd Established Member

joystickd

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Posted
It's because the issue is about their own insecurity, their lack of experience. Unfortunately what I have seen is that late bloomers/men who don't feel they have had enough success with women can be quite spiteful (probably the reason for their lack of experience in the first place) but they will stick around because they are c**p at getting women.

 

This is true. I remember my first relationship. I regret it to this day because it led me on a downward spiral of unhealthy relationships

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)
It's because the issue is about their own insecurity, their lack of experience. Unfortunately what I have seen is that late bloomers/men who don't feel they have had enough success with women can be quite spiteful (probably the reason for their lack of experience in the first place) but they will stick around because they are c**p at getting women.

 

 

That may be a generality with some basis.

 

My limited number of partners was by choice, I turned a number of very attractive NSA offers, as well as refused to play the hound. I thought I had made the right choice in shared beliefs with my wife, expressing myself and my beliefs on sex and love and fidelity. The resentment I have had was in part (not all) was in the deceit in this area of her beliefs more than the actions themselves. Things have changed since then with MC but just wanted to mention this a a counterpoint.

 

Perhaps a different resentment then you mention - not all the sex she got and I could not....but all the women I turned down. It gets messy when you find out someone you love has different beliefs and values. But views and beliefs change as they have for both me and my wife. Neither of us is the same person anymore.

Edited by dichotomy
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