Was BF emotionally cheating?

[Missy0724]

I'm very confused, as never in this situation before, and need opinions please. Thank you!

 

I was dating a divorced man for 10 months. Some baggage and red flags I won't get into...too long of a story. We are no longer together.

 

The main thing that prevented us from getting closer, more intimate was the fact that he still not over his ex wife. He did not tell me until I questioned him one month into our relationship. When we met, we made it clear to each other that we looking for and able to have an exclusive relationship. So I assumed that's what we had... Well some red flags and I ask him how he feels about ex. His reply was, "I don't know." He said he knows they had unhealthy relationship and he didn't want to return to that, that he happy with me. So I accepted that, understanding since he knew her since they were 15, share children, recently divorced, etc. (yes, I know-red flag!)

 

We continue dating. We get closer, he begins to open up more... He is in counseling once a week and main discussion is ex. About his anger, resentment over her divorcing him. Because HE cheated. Ok, we talk thru it...he went away to rehab, got clean, stopped drinking, too, living in very healthy way, lots of changes...I admired him for all the hard work he was doing!

 

Months go by...still angry with ex, talking about her a lot, their interactions, how controlling, manipulative she is, etc. That he can't even be in same room with her, so uncomfortable for him. He didn't want to go to his kids activities if she there! What is that about? He not ok that she seeing someone new. But he's dating me! ??? She would go to his house (their marital home) to pick up kids and just waltz in the house, no boundaries. He's ask her please don't do that, she'd laugh in his face. He could not set new boundaries with her.

 

All this hard to hear. Yes, I have my issues with my ex, but it's all about what a crappy dad he is, visitation issues... Certainly nothing emotional or bc I'm still in love with him!

 

His ex issue kept coming up for us. As we got closer it became a double edge sword: he'd be more comfortable complaining about her, sharing, even told me he still dreaming of her. That crushed me. He said, "I can't help it, wish I weren't!" I would get upset and question him, what work was he actually doing to get separation from her? Or some kind of closure? Maybe get it out with her, the two of them go counseling! It affecting our, his new relationship! I never got any answers that made me feel safe, secure, a priority. He kept saying he needed more time. He in counseling, doing his best. But never any concrete details to share with me about solving the problem. Many times I'd ask him what he and his therapist talked about and he'd say, "I don't want to share that". So hurtful. I'm your best friend??? BS

 

He asked me, "don't you agree that once you love someone, you always do?" wtf??? Uh, no? Sometimes, not always, and depends on situation. I can't believe how naive some people are... Or that he thought he owes her that. It's OVER!

 

Any way - he broke up with me bc I couldn't deal with him still being emotionally attached to her. To me that's emotional cheating. He said, "I can't love you the way you want me to." Yup, sorry, most self respecting women kind of want their man to only dream about them, love them, talk about them, our relationship, make them feel like a priority. Unless I'm mistaken? Yes, of course baggage from divorce! But what is this kind of anger about? Truly?

 

Why would you get into a serious relationship with a new person, knowing you have another in your head in that manner? So irresponsible! And LIES!

 

Right? Need opinions... Thank you!

[HereNorThere]

Since he was honest and upfront about it with you, no, I don't think that would be considered emotional cheating. He's hurt, not over his ex, etc. but cheating is strong word to use.

 

Be glad he was honest and didn't hide it from you. Play nice and who knows, maybe he'll finally get past it and you guys can be close again.

[beach]

Yes, it's true, he wasn't emotionally available. He faked it at the beginning - but the real him came out after time went by.

 

He may not like being alone. That's not healthy either.

 

 

Many separated or divorced posters here talk of jumping right into another R - and are advised against that because it really isn't fair to the person you're dating when you're still stuck in the past R.

 

If you're not completely over it - you're STILL processing it.

 

While still processing it - it's impossible to be completely open and available to the new person.

 

Heck, I'm sure my exH isn't available emotionally for his new wife. He's not capable of processing his part in any of it. Poor gal, she's stuck with a guy that will never admit his actions - and will never learn how to become open and honest about any relationship.

 

I've been away from him for nearly 9 years yet he continues to try and step into my life - but I don't allow him to.

 

He should have moved forward years ago - but the living in the past has him not living in the present today.

[carhill]

IMO, if his divorce was verified independently and he wasn't engaging in behaviors with his alleged exW which you would have disapproved of if he engaged in them in front of you and/or he wasn't deceiving you of those behaviors, then he wasn't cheating.

 

The rest is relationship stuff between the two of you. Communication, boundaries, compatibility, etc, etc.

[GoBlue]

It is not easy getting over a divorce. I went through one five years ago and I am still dealing with it inside of myself. Many people think that the best way to overcome the pain is by getting into another relationship. This is not a good plan, as you are well aware of! All of us have a need to be loved and to give love. When the channel for that love is taken away, there is a process that needs to take place in order to develop a new healthy relationship. Blessings on you and I hope things go well as you move forward. I am sorry for the pain this has caused you.

[Missy0724]

Thanks. I understand and agree he def wasn't ready for a relationship. And yes he shared some of his stuff with me, but not everything. I found out six months into our relationship, he was still contemplating reconciliation with her. He was still addicted to her to that point! And with me, telling me he loved me, in love with me. Ok, sure, there is baggage and hurt...but he should NOT pursued me, courted me so heavily as he did! He is so giving and wonderful in other ways! That's why I fell for him. And bc I went thru a divorce three years ago, I understood. To a point. I wasn't in love with my ex during our divorce or any time after. That is why we are divorced! Funny how some people don't get that. And HE cheated on her. Badly, more than once. It's not pretty...

 

I have to forgive myself for continuing to see him, when he told me these things. They went against my morals and boundaries. He is a recovering addict, so complicated, drama, baggage. And an ex who is in his face to punish him. And that probably isn't going to change any time soon. There is not that separation. He will probably always be addicted to her in some way. At least until his children are grown and out on own. Many years...

 

I have to remember all that, all the red flags, forgive, and move on. And learn! Never to put myself in that kind of situation again.

 

If he came to me and told me, "I'm not angry with her any more, I feel nothing, we're pretty amicable, I'm in love with you, and only you and I see and want a future with you!" YES, I would do the work with him. But both people have to want that. I did. He didn't. So will never work...