phone - when?

[brittle]

I recently started chatting with a few (4 to be specific) men on a dating site. I just wanted to get a feel are we compatible over e-mail first, but all of them bombarded me with their phone numbers "to get to know each other faster".

 

I don't have tons of experience with online dating, but I don't feel like it is the right thing to exchange phone numbers with a complete stranger. I actually would even prefer a short in person date rather than exchanging private information (phones).

 

Am I paranoic or it is reasonable to decline their proposition for a phone chat in the very beginning of our communication?

 

P.S. I also don't want to date many people in parallel, so at a give week I can't make time for dates with more than 2 men...

[carrie_o]

Talking on the phone or even texting before meeting seems to be normal right now. However, if you aren't comfortable with that, then don't do it. Just because something is the way it is normally done doesn't mean you have to do it too. Explain what you'd prefer to the guys. If they aren't understanding, you probably shouldn't meet them anyway.

[carhill]

I can be anyone on I want to be, on here or in e-mail. Much more difficult to do that in person.

 

E-mail 'compatibility' would/could be easily discerned in one or two e-mails, with regard to content, timeliness and 'tone'. If it seems productive, then phone or meeting in person is the next step. When I was using online dating, either the lady and I met within a week or never at all, except in international dating circumstances where I had to make travel arrangements. Everything else is simply the machine to get to pressing flesh.

 

In your case, since you don't like parallel dating, simply pick one, make contact and arrange a neutral first meet. Boom, done. If good, continue. If not, next. You can plow through ten meets easily in a month. Some of them may even treat you, as I did with the ladies I met through online dating, usually for lunch. I invited and I picked up the tab, regardless of how things went.

 

TBH, I learned about 'keyboard romeos' back in the 90's from some of my friends abroad, where apparently guys would romance a woman endlessly via chat or e-mail but never showed up. I got a lot of action simply by showing up, because that showed clear intent and the willingness to invest, which they found attractive. Interestingly, some even 'treated' me, not an insignificant gesture, based on past experience. That got my attention.

 

If you want to talk first, provide/ask about contact information as soon as you see one guy has potential. Either invite him to call you or ask him for his number and call him; depends on your security comfort level.

[angel.eyes]

I believe the reason I had such a great OLD experience was I spoke with everyone on the phone before agreeing to a date. People can look great on paper...scratch that on screen...and be perfectly charming over email. Within a few minutes, a phone chat will give you a better feel for the person than weeks or months of email banter ever could. There can be a dramatic difference between the electronic persona and the person forced to communicate live. The phone screen is generally where most guys didn't make the cut. It spared me wasting time meeting with incompatible people. The guys I dated matched their phone persona. Email was pretty worthless. I figured out early on to get to a phone call, and possibly a date as quickly as possible. The rest was just spinning wheels and wasting time on fluff that didn't improve positive outcomes.

 

Personally, I don't get the hesitancy about calling his number. We hand out business cards with our numbers and addresses to strangers in business settings all the time. When guys approach you to ask you out in real life, you give them your number if you're interested. I never had anyone online continue to bother me, but if that happens, block him. You could also get a throwaway cell phone just for dating. A friend of mine did that. It seemed like a waste to me, plus there's the hassle of checking yet another place for messages.

[brittle]

Thanks, guys.

 

Maybe it is my personality, but the only men that I "clicked" with on dates were the ones who invested substantial time in meaningful e-mailing (not one related to arranging the date, but sharing actual information) prior to that.

 

But I see the phone point with fast weeding out truly incompatible people... Maybe I'll go for giving them a Google number rather than my cell phone one...

[d0nnivain]

Many OL daters were burned by people who want to e-mail forever & never get together.

 

I liked 1-2 e-mails before phone # exchange but it's better to do that earlier.

 

There was a poster on here whose date had a family emergency & had to cancel. She thought she was stood up because they hadn't exchanged phone #s.

 

Some people get a disposable burner phone they use for OLD so strangers don't have too many details but they can still give out a #. Perhaps you could try that.

[angel.eyes]

Thanks, guys.

 

Maybe it is my personality, but the only men that I "clicked" with on dates were the ones who invested substantial time in meaningful e-mailing (not one related to arranging the date, but sharing actual information) prior to that.

 

But I see the phone point with fast weeding out truly incompatible people... Maybe I'll go for giving them a Google number rather than my cell phone one...

 

Google works too.

 

I get why you want them to engage in email, but it's a complete waste of time. Scammers and the emotionally/mentally troubled thrive, while decent guys with options move on. You change who comes through the funnel based on your approach to communication. Exchange information in person or on your phone calls.

[deathandtaxes]

I have gone on dates with women from OLD who didn't want to give their number out until we met first. I respected their decision and wouldn't press them for it.

 

 

If that's what you want to do, OP, then stick to your guns regarding not giving out your number. You won't be faulted for it.