efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Hello everybody i wondering if there is any advice you can give me on dealing with someone who has commitment phobia. I really like the girl, and I don't want to break up with her is there anything specifically i should avoid like any triggers that will kick their phobia in... I mentioned one day moving in together i will never do that again:D. I would appreciate any advice thank you
daisydook Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Well, you can avoid any long term relationship talk. Don't talk about 6 months from now and onward. Don't mention taking trips together in December, when its July. Don't mention loving her, if you ever do, or do now. Don't plan anything in advance. Don't ask her to move in, ask her to get a place with you, and don't ask her to change anything about her life, basically. Oh, for the love of everything Holy, don't tell her anything about how many children you want, or if you want them and definitely, do not speak of children with her. IF you manage to do all that, and still keep your cool, by all means, go for it. Lol. That sounds exhausting and frustrating, to say the least!!! The problem is, this sounds awful for you. Awful! The thing she needs most, is to deal with her triggers. Getting over commitment issues, isn't easy, but at the same time, she has to want to get over them. Right now, she is safe and sound in her little bubble and that is just the way she likes it. I honestly cannot blame her. I too, have put myself in time out when needed. I dont go around dating and hurting people in the process though, (like she is clearly doing to you.) She flips when she triggers, by the sound of your last statement. Does she acknowledge she is this way and can she admit she freaks out at the first sign of commitment, or is she oblivious? I do NOT understand why she is even in a relationship. When was her last relationship, prior to you? Did she deal with any of these things, or did she just jump into things with you after a bad break up, like a lot of people do? I do not participate in "Walking on Eggshells" relationships. If there are things I want and need to say, and I cannot say them, we are not right for one another because we do not communicate. I will not just keep my mouth shut when I feel things. I can and will do it nicely, calmly and rationally. I do promise my partner that. Relationships need to be open and honest though and you need to feel safe (both of you!!!) If two people cannot come together to even talk about a future, even a few months down the line, what future do you have? It sounds like you want her around for a commitment and she sounds like she is the furthest person from ready to give you that. Do you think you can show her what commitment looks like, by laying low, being understanding, not mentioning things that would trigger her, and just be there for her? Is that your goal here? How long do you think you will have the patience for that? That sounds exhausting, and unnecessary, however if you love her, I would bet my bottom dollar you re going to give it a go. (By the way, the answer is, you are only making it worse, by playing into her triggers and not requiring anything of her.) 1
Diezel Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I once dated a commitment phobe. The worst part is that I didn't even want to be in a serious end-all relationship with her. I had to walk on eggshells, anything I said triggered a terrible reaction and even something like planning to go somewhere a month in advance would freak her out. It's the worst. The best thing you can do to avoid that is go date someone else. The last thing you want to do is live in fear because of how another person might react. 2
Gaeta Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Hello everybody i wondering if there is any advice you can give me on dealing with someone who has commitment phobia. I really like the girl, and I don't want to break up with her is there anything specifically i should avoid like any triggers that will kick their phobia in... I mentioned one day moving in together i will never do that again:D. I would appreciate any advice thank you Wow! seriously. You know that the phobia is not toward commitment but toward commitment with you, right? You can put some blindfold on and ignore she's not that into you for months or even a couple of years. Then, when your relationship ends she'll end up marrying the next dude within 6 months. And you'll go 'why oh why'. 2
Zahara Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Hello everybody i wondering if there is any advice you can give me on dealing with someone who has commitment phobia. I really like the girl, and I don't want to break up with her is there anything specifically i should avoid like any triggers that will kick their phobia in... I mentioned one day moving in together i will never do that again:D. I would appreciate any advice thank you Why would anyone want to tip toe like this? And even if there are suggestions, they're temporary because as you keep getting more emotionally involved, you're going to have expectations and wants. You're going to want more, you're going to want it to progress. How do you do tip toe around that? I used to think that an ex of mine was phobic because he could never make a commitment to the many women he dated. He's engaged and about to be married. He was "phobic" with me. Don't set yourself up for disappointment. When a red flag slaps you in the face, pay attention. "Like" isn't worth the hurt that you will feel down the line. 1
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Does she acknowledge she is this way and can she admit she freaks out at the first sign of commitment, or is she oblivious?She hasn't really out right say she has a commitment issue,but I think she has a pretty good idea. she never really had any good reason for breaking up with her last boyfriend of six months. She said that she just didn't feel the connection anymore, and the past few boyfriends she has had have been a similar story.she says that they're nice and do everything for her but she just loses interest. When was her last relationship, prior to you?We have been dating around 4 months now, and before that she was on and off with her last boyfriend. did she just jump into things with you after a bad break up, like a lot of people do?Yes actually we did jump into things fairly quickly she said she hated to be alone I think she was single for about 2 weeks after breaking up. I remember asking her if she was sure she wanted to do this and she told me that I was the most important thing in her life. Relationships need to be open and honest though and you need to feel safe (both of you!!!) Well in the beginning I felt like it was safe to express myself and we would have excellent communication I never ever felt so close to somebody,but recently I started to talk about living together.she would get real argumentative telling me I'm trying to control her life which I'm not by the way, it came as a real shock to me. I started to do some reading on the forms here and I'm fairly certain that she has some form of commitment phobia, but I just know in my heart we can work through it. Do you think you can show her what commitment looks like, by laying low, being understanding, not mentioning things that would trigger her, and just be there for her? Is that your goal here? as stupid as it sounds, but yes absolutely exactly what I want to do. I think I can help her get over her phobia of a relationship by being supportive and being there for her that's why I would like some advice on things to avoid when talking to her I know now obviously not to mention living together, and I know that I shouldn't mention anything about marriage and I probably shouldn't give her ultimatums that have to do with relationship anything else anybody can add on would be greatly appreciated thanks a lot for your quick responses I really do appreciate it
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Why would anyone want to tip toe like this? And even if there are suggestions, they're temporary because as you keep getting more emotionally involved, you're going to have expectations and wants. You're going to want more, you're going to want it to progress. How do you do tip toe around that? I just feel like I can help her with her phobia. I remember reading that phobia's can be resolved by facing them a little bit at a time. I am 100% committed to her and I don't want to turn tail and run just yet. Want to try and overcome the commitment phobia in are relationship. I know we haven't been together for very long but I've never felt this way about anybody before and I want to try to make it work.
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 How long have you been together? Around 4 of the best months of my life. up until recently
todreaminblue Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Around 4 of the best months of my life. up until recently sorry i tried to edit my post because i read the four month thing.......dont say anything that puts your plans ahead of how long you have been together so anything above four months...........which to me would be a drag for i like to share dreams and hopes i always think ahead of time.....speaking of which your post has given me an idea for some song lyrics so thank you...... the reason why i give you this is because if she arcs up at you for suggesting anything with in that four month period you can say hey ....do you realize we have been together for four months? so seeing how it went so quickly i didnt think that it would be a problem its only three months or four months down the track...........there is no real back answer to this...dont you love that...smilin...fight fire with water not fire.....drench with no back answer questions, rhetorical questions are your friend...... i dont think this is fair on you at all.....walking on eggshells.......she must be a special lady ....i wish you well.....deb
GemmaUK Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 4 months and you are talking about moving in? Eek! I would be freaking out after only four months! A year or so maybe not...(at least). I'm only on the 'getting to know' path at 4 months.
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I just feel like I can help her with her phobia. I remember reading that phobia's can be resolved by facing them a little bit at a time. I am 100% committed to her and I don't want to turn tail and run just yet. Want to try and overcome the commitment phobia in are relationship. I know we haven't been together for very long but I've never felt this way about anybody before and I want to try to make it work. Let me give you some really good advice. When you start dating a person, take them at face value. Don't date the potential of what that person could be. She is who she is, and it's not up to you to change that. I don't buy the whole idea of a commitment phobe to begin with, but it certainly isn't your job to help her overcome any of her issues. It's like signing up to date an alcoholic and saying you want to help them overcome it. It doesn't work like that.
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Around 4 of the best months of my life Be careful with that. Does she feel like it's the best 4 months of her life? You can't assume that your feelings on the relationship are the same as hers. You're going to get yourself into a boat load of trouble doing that.
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 fight fire with water not fire.....drench with no back answer questions, rhetorical questions are your friend. That's great advice thank you so much rhetorical questions are definitely a safe way to go speaking of which your post has given me an idea for some song lyrics so thank you hahaha.. Well when your song hits the big time don't feel shy about giving some $$$ in form of appreciation, just kidding. Glad I can help 1
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Be careful with that. Does she feel like it's the best 4 months of her life? You can't assume that your feelings on the relationship are the same as hers. You're going to get yourself into a boat load of trouble doing that. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way because we have such an unbelievable connection with each other, she tells me how lucky she is to have such a great guy by her side.. Of course there is always that possibility she doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for her I guess there is no real concrete way on determining that; but from what I gather it's equal. I hear what you're saying I would be pretty devastated if she just suddenly ended relationship with me out of the blue 1
Diezel Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 She hasn't really out right say she has a commitment issue,but I think she has a pretty good idea. she never really had any good reason for breaking up with her last boyfriend of six months. She said that she just didn't feel the connection anymore, and the past few boyfriends she has had have been a similar story.she says that they're nice and do everything for her but she just loses interest. We have been dating around 4 months now, and before that she was on and off with her last boyfriend. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh boy, now I am beginning to see a clearer picture. Buddy, BEWARE, your relationship could be 2 months away from expiring. I think what you have is a woman who digs nothing more than the HONEYMOON PHASE. Yes actually we did jump into things fairly quickly she said she hated to be alone I think she was single for about 2 weeks after breaking up. I remember asking her if she was sure she wanted to do this and she told me that I was the most important thing in her life. This is probably what she told all her other boyfriends before the 6 month mark. She's a different type of commitment phobe. She's the kind that'll lure guys in, get them in love and as soon as they are all in, she's not anymore, so she's onto the next guy for her next honeymoon phase. I'd be VERY CAREFUL. Well in the beginning I felt like it was safe to express myself and we would have excellent communication I never ever felt so close to somebody,but recently I started to talk about living together.she would get real argumentative telling me I'm trying to control her life which I'm not by the way, it came as a real shock to me. Again, willing to bet similar situations happened to her with other guys. They were all in, talked about making it a bit more official, long-term, and she scared herself into another relationship. I started to do some reading on the forms here and I'm fairly certain that she has some form of commitment phobia, but I just know in my heart we can work through it. I would start thinking about a future without her. as stupid as it sounds, but yes absolutely exactly what I want to do. I think I can help her get over her phobia of a relationship by being supportive and being there for her that's why I would like some advice on things to avoid when talking to her I know now obviously not to mention living together, and I know that I shouldn't mention anything about marriage and I probably shouldn't give her ultimatums that have to do with relationship anything else anybody can add on would be greatly appreciated thanks a lot for your quick responses I really do appreciate it Let me tell you something. I can GUARANTEE you aren't the first man in her life who has thought the same thing... I can be THAT guy who finally gets her to be in a long-term relationship. You weren't the first, you won't be the last. She is a praying mantis, and guess what happens to the male version of this species? If I were you, I would back off CONSIDERABLY. This girl has got you in a tailspin and pretty soon she is going to ditch. This whole thread is NOTHING but red flags and white knighting. Get your emotions in check, because she already warned you that her relationships carry expiration dates.
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 4 months and you are talking about moving in? Eek! I would be freaking out after only four months! A year or so maybe not...(at least). I'm only on the 'getting to know' path at 4 months. You say like that it does seem like it is pretty fast but we have such a connection. I kind of thought that she was implying she wanted to move in with me, because I was talking about how much everything costs like food and rent and everything, and she said that she agrees that it's hard paying for everything by yourself.. So I thought that was her way of implying she wanted to live together. I know I know I was reading between the lines a little bit. But there has been other problems with her getting overly upset about commitment stuff like last month it was my dad's birthday and I wanted her to meet my family, they are totally chill and wanted to meet her. I figured it was a perfect opportunity. So after work I told her not to worry about dinner because my mom is making a big dinner for his birthday and they were looking forward to meeting her. She lost it.. She went from 0 to 60 she was very agitated and was really mad to the point where she could barely talk. She was upset that I didn't give her more warning, and how is really stupid for not taking her feelings into account then she stormed out of the apartment. The next day she apologized for her reaction. she said she was having a bad day at work and nothing was going right and she was looking forward to relaxing evening I guess I should have given her more warning.
PerfectStorm Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Pretty much what he ^^^ said. Some people/women are in love with being in love. Some even actually like the idea of making people fall for them with no intention staying or loving them back. Sounds predatory but it's true.
Author efmywife Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Pretty much what he ^^^ said. Some people/women are in love with being in love. Some even actually like the idea of making people fall for them with no intention staying or loving them back. Sounds predatory but it's true. So basically from what I gather is that there is no way to tippy toe around the commitment phobia and slowly work at resolving it.. It's just that I love her and with the exception of a few arguments everything seems so perfect and I really do not want to end things with her
BC1980 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I'm pretty sure she feels the same way because we have such an unbelievable connection with each other, she tells me how lucky she is to have such a great guy by her side.. Of course there is always that possibility she doesn't feel as strongly for me as I do for her I guess there is no real concrete way on determining that; but from what I gather it's equal. I hear what you're saying I would be pretty devastated if she just suddenly ended relationship with me out of the blue Saying she is lucky to have you by her side doesn't mean she feels the same way. She might not feel it as deeply, and I'd be pretty nervous if someone mentioned moving in after only 4 months.
Diezel Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Hey buddy, I think your girlfriend with the AMAZING connection posted somewhere else... this could be YOUR story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/485869-why-can-t-i-stop-looking-better-cheated-every-single-guy
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