shamen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Hi ice, I went back and checked out some of your old posts. I haven't been around for a while... But it looks like you're really not too far out of an old relationship and you had a let down with a girl last month. Focus on yourself. Again, don't worry so much about her. Let what happens happen. Be her friend, but don't make her your focus in life. You've got to take care of you! In terms of what to say, I think that d'Arthez had a good idea. Just say, "Hey, everything's fine. My day is going well. Take good care of yourself." Blah blah blah. She doesn't need to know that you're worrying about it.
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Shamen, yes as long as you keep it general, there is no way he can go wrong. YYYY are general description, not detailed in the slightest.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Hi ice, I went back and checked out some of your old posts. I haven't been around for a while... But it looks like you're really not too far out of an old relationship and you had a let down with a girl last month. Focus on yourself. Again, don't worry so much about her. Let what happens happen. Be her friend, but don't make her your focus in life. You've got to take care of you! In terms of what to say, I think that d'Arthez had a good idea. Just say, "Hey, everything's fine. My day is going well. Take good care of yourself." Blah blah blah. She doesn't need to know that you're worrying about it. That's what I'll do, thanks. I've had a few bumps in the road lately, but we all go through that. I'm just trying to remain as composed and confident as possible. I would be doing much better if I had several romantic interests right now, but I have a tendendency to focus too hard on one when it's the only one I've got. I know I have to do other things to keep busy. It's just that she's important to me and I also want to do the right thing here.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles She just e-mailed me: "what happened this morning u didn't im me or call me? and you haven't e-mailed me yet. i just want to make sure everything is ok with you? if it is, how is you day going? mine is busy as usually. well i will hopefully talk to you soon" What do I say to that? This was the first time in two weeks that I wasn't online this morning to wish her a good day at work. I'm thinking of replying, "Yeah, everything is alright, thanks. I hope you're having a good day." See what I mean? She is always concerned about me and misses me when we don't talk. I admit I really like that. I've never been treated that way before. You guys have any ideas what I should write back, or if I should even write back at all? As always, thanks for making time to help me. Habit zone. She has gotten use to your morning rituals. Don't write back right away. Wait till the afternoon. Write what you said above but add "Busy today, everything is alright"....etc.. Then don't call or write again. She knows where you stand.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Habit zone. She has gotten use to your morning rituals. Don't write back right away. Wait till the afternoon. Write what you said above but add "Busy today, everything is alright"....etc.. Then don't call or write again. She knows where you stand. Thanks, Bronze. Regarding the morning ritual, how should I handle that now? Be online sometimes? Not at all? Just continue talking to her every morning? Obviously me not being online this morning shook her up a little.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles Thanks, Bronze. Regarding the morning ritual, how should I handle that now? Be online sometimes? Not at all? Just continue talking to her every morning? Obviously me not being online this morning shook her up a little. That's the thing. Don't be predictable. Predictable is boring. See, she was use to you calling her and contacting her. Now you turned the tables. It should be both ways. You shouldn't be the only one doing all the contacting. I wouldn't contact her this weekend if I was you. If she contacts you this weekend just keep it brief and say you gotta go. Show her that you have other stuff going on. She is not the center of your world. If she trys to get info out of you as to what exactly your are doing, just joke with her and say, "hey, what's with the 3rd degree?" "Should I bend over so, you can give me an anal inspection?". "Sorry, we have to be dating for me to consider letting you do that." Get it. Just joke with her. Don't be predictable.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen That's the thing. Don't be predictable. Predictable is boring. See, she was use to you calling her and contacting her. Now you turned the tables. It should be both ways. You shouldn't be the only one doing all the contacting. I wouldn't contact her this weekend if I was you. If she contacts you this weekend just keep it brief and say you gotta go. Show her that you have other stuff going on. She is not the center of your world. If she trys to get info out of you as to what exactly your are doing, just joke with her and say, "hey, what's with the 3rd degree?" "Should I bend over so, you can give me an anal inspection?". "Sorry, we have to be dating for me to consider letting you do that." Get it. Just joke with her. Don't be predictable. I will try and break the patterns that have made me predictable, most notably being online in the morning and being available to talk on the phone between 6 and 8 every night. And just so you know, the initiating has been equal - sometimes she calls or IM's, and sometimes I do. When I said I wish her a good day at work, she sometimes beats me to the punch. Like two days ago, she called me to say that, which I thought was nice. When you say don't contact her this weekend, you mean after I respond to her e-mail, right? She will definitely contact me this weekend. I would bet my paycheck on it. And she will ask questions, but I will try to give playfully vague answers. I want to create an air of mystery anyway. I need her to at least feel that she could potentially lose a chance with me, and I don't think I have really done that to date.
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Iceisles: I don't know which type of IM-ing you use but some have invisibility features. That way you can even be online, without her knowing. You don't have to have conversation everytime she is online. When you are in the mood and willing to have conversation with her, you can make yourself available. It won't cost you anytime then. In the future, when you are not IM-ing her or sending her an email, she will also message you. Of course there is no need to reply impromptu, but always leave in the words that suggest a bond between you. If you develop a feeling for words, you will have a very powerful tool in her hands. And don't suddenly start playing games. They will backfire on you. Especially considering the importance of today. Originally posted by BronzePen You became friends with her before asking her out. That's a no, no. When you meet someone of the opposite sex for the first time the first thing you should always ask yourself is this - If I was single and she was single then would I date her? If your answer is yes, maybe, not sure or possibly then you have an attraction to her. You then proceed to ask her out or let her know what your intentions are. If she responds with no, not ready, maybe in the future or we'll see then thank her kindly for her time and respectfully decline if she says "But we can still be friends." This is exactly the "d*ck first, relationship later" approach you are suggesting BP. It won't work in this case. Especially the last comment in the piece of a previous reply in this thread is highly dangerous. Not so much for Iceisles as for the girl. You were also the poster who suggested that Iceisles should find someone who is emotionally clean. She is not.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 I guess sometimes I will be online in the morning and sometimes I won't. I will have to explain this, though. She has become used to me being online and will want to know what the deal is. Somehow saying "Oh, I've just been busy" sounds like a very flat excuse.
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Unless you are busy. Read shamen's post for a few suggestions. I don't take it you are locked inside your house for 24 hours a day waiting on her. If you are, do something. Start doing things, at home, or outside of the house. Do something with your life. If you are busy with whatever you do, just tell her you have become a bit more occupied, so it is impossible for you to always be around at these times.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez If you are busy with whatever you do, just tell her you have become a bit more occupied, so it is impossible for you to always be around at these times. That's easy enough to do for most of the day. In the morning, however, she knows I come online for 20 minutes or so before I leave for work. It'll be pretty hard to explain that away. What do I say - I've taken up a new, longer shower technique? Or I keep spraying myself with shaving cream and can't see the monitor? I don't know how to explain that abscence, unless I just say something like I've decided to sleep later in the morning and don't have as much time to come online.
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Keep the 20 minutes in the morning available for her (and anyone else, you have on your contact lists), and be more occupied during the day. But given the fact that you have instituted LC, you should see a decrease in messages and calls for you from her. Maybe not today, but definetely in a few weeks time, especially if you are slowing down to reply to her. However if something major is coming up (mom has serious car accident), don't be standoffish.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 I hope tonight is telling for her one way or the other. I would like to see her leave there with some questions answered about the future of that relationship, if there is one at all. To me, it's an easy decision, but of course I'm just a tad biased.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 She just called me at work to check on me. First time she has ever done that. I guess I'm going to have to just tell her how I'm feeling. I will still try to be supportive of tonight, though.
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Unless it is really important, or it is really important to her tell her to respect your boundaries. Something major might have come up, and she wants to talk to you about it, fine. Her mother might have had an accident. Otherwise remember the LC you announced to her. Stick to that, otherwise you will drive yourself insane, judging by your words earlier in the thread. This is a result of the state of confusion you put her in. It is no biggie. She will feel as if you are moving away too much, just at this important time to her. Reread post #72(?) from shamen, to remember what she experiences. Be supportive today, but restrict contact on your work in the future.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 I wrote her back and just said that it's been busy (which is true) and that I wasn't online this morning because I over-slept (also true). I thanked her for calling to check on me and asked how her day was. Whenever I do write her, I am going to include an obvious omission of anything pertaining to the ex. The fact that I stop inquiring about that will probably bother her. It seems the slightest change from status quo bothers her.
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Iceisles, don't think anymore about it. What happens today, is beyond your control. Right now a lot depends on how she handles this evening. You have made clear what you want, and hope for. She will understand that. She isn't stupid. Pretty soon you will know what happened, and if she is convinced her ex is a jerk. If she is not convinced, we have suggested what you could do. If she is convinced, we have suggested what you can do. Focus on your job, and put in a good performance for today. Enjoy the movies tonight. Can you go watch with a couple of friends?
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Enjoy the movies tonight. Can you go watch with a couple of friends? No, I usually have to make reservations to see my friends weeks in advance. Lol. That's ok, I'm independent and will be alright. I know I should be happy that she cares about me - more than anyone else ever has, in fact. And I think it's because I care for her so much that I'm worried for her. I don't want her heart broken again, but I guess that lesson is hers and hers alone to learn. I hope she doesn't call tonight. I could use a day off from her and the entire situation, and she knows that I'm not going to talk about her ex any further.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez And don't suddenly start playing games. They will backfire on you. Especially considering the importance of today. It's not a game and it will not backfire. Him being clingy and predictable has backfired in his face. Now that he is not clingy and ingoring her calls, will show her not to take him for granted. This is exactly the "d*ck first, relationship later" approach you are suggesting BP. It won't work in this case. Especially the last comment in the piece of a previous reply in this thread is highly dangerous. Not so much for Iceisles as for the girl. "d*ck first, relationship later" - What are you talking about?? When IceIsles first met her he wasn't looking for friend but a girlfriend. She told him she wasn't ready but he should stick around and maybe in the future something might happend. Ice should have said, no thanks and walked away. Highly dangerous?????? There is nothing dangerous about relationships. If it works, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. Iceisles gets way too caught up with just one person. He thinks and puts way too much time, energy and effort to someone who is just stringing him along. He puts up with it only to get hurt in the end. Having said that, read below. You were also the poster who suggested that Iceisles should find someone who is emotionally clean. She is not. Since, Iceisles is not going to walk away, I will help him (however futile I think it is) to win this woman over. Because there is always possiblities and in this case I would be happy to be proven wrong.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles I guess sometimes I will be online in the morning and sometimes I won't. I will have to explain this, though. She has become used to me being online and will want to know what the deal is. Somehow saying "Oh, I've just been busy" sounds like a very flat excuse. Excuse is an excuse. The message is "I am not one of those guys who waits by the phone." She can read between the lines.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Since, Iceisles is not going to walk away, I will help him (however futile I think it is) to win this woman over. Because there is always possiblities and in this case I would be happy to be proven wrong. d'Arthez, I know you're new here, so I will tell you that Bronze is dead on. He can read me like a book. I invest a lot of time and energy into folks and usually see it blow up in my face. I keep doing this because there are some girls who do appreciate this enthusiasm, and I don't mind trying to separate myself from the pack. One day I will learn my lesson that most people aren't worth half the effort I'm putting in. That said, I'm glad he is willing to support my futile effort. I would love to show him that there is some method to this madness.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles That's easy enough to do for most of the day. In the morning, however, she knows I come online for 20 minutes or so before I leave for work. It'll be pretty hard to explain that away. What do I say - I've taken up a new, longer shower technique? Or I keep spraying myself with shaving cream and can't see the monitor? I don't know how to explain that abscence, unless I just say something like I've decided to sleep later in the morning and don't have as much time to come online. You don't need to explain yourself. Avoid the answer. Joke with her. Say "What, do you work for the Gestapo now? If you really must know, I have picked up a new hobby of picking lint from my belly button in the morning, it's very time consuming. " Or come up with your own line.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles She just called me at work to check on me. First time she has ever done that. I guess I'm going to have to just tell her how I'm feeling. I will still try to be supportive of tonight, though. Play hard to get Ice.
Bronzepen Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by iceisles I hope she doesn't call tonight. I could use a day off from her and the entire situation, and she knows that I'm not going to talk about her ex any further. Take your phone off the hook. Turn off your cell. Play online games. Go to karoeke (spelling) bar. sing your heart out. You are a song writer. Put your words to a song.
Author iceisles Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Bronzepen Play hard to get Ice. I will. It's obviously something I suck at, but I'm willing to improve. If I'm home tonight, I won't be coming online or answering the phone. And this isn't special treatment for her - sometimes I just like to relax without the phone ringing off the hook. I think if she thinks I'm out, that can't be a bad thing.
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