F0reverConfused Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Hi everyone, I am new to LoveShack and have created an issue in my love life that I have no one to blame but myself. I have been dating for 5 years the man that I thought was the one I was going to marry. We have had a wonderful relationship throughout the entire 5 years. I am in love with him and he is the one I still see in my future as my husband and with kids. He has all the qualities that I look for in a partner and I couldn't ask for someone more kind and giving. I met him when I had just finished high school. He has been the only guy I have loved or really even been in a real relationship with. I have always wished that I had met him later on in life because he is so perfect but I have never had any other relationships with anyone else. Last September, I went to a college that was 7hrs away. We went from living together to being apart for a least a month at a time. About 4months after I started college I was having a really hard time being away from him and was worried that I might start looking for attention from other males because attention was lacking due to the distance. My boyfriend tried everything he could to give that attention to me, but it just didn't work. We decided to take a break with all intentions to getting back together once I had finished school and returned home 6 months later. During this time we kept in touch and talked all the time. I had no intentions of finding another guy but I did start hanging out with this one guy a bit. I made sure that he knew I was leaving to go back home really soon and did not want anything serious. One day this new guy stopped talking to me (or at least I thought). I realized during this time that I had developed feelings for him. I asked him why he stopped talking to me and it turns out he had been sent out for work and just was busy. After that miscommunication, we talked more than before and the feelings grew stronger, but because I was leaving I tried not to get attached. The time came that I was moving home and my boyfriend was there to welcome me home with open arms. My boyfriend and I did end up getting back together. I told my boyfriend about this other guy and I told the other guy about my break from my boyfriend and that we were planning on getting back together. I had hoped that these feelings for this other guy would go away once I was back home with my boyfriend but so far they are not going away. I am so happy to be back home with my boyfriend and everything is going great but if I am so in love and happy in this relationship, why can I not get this other guy out of my head? I know that the other guy was really into me and would have wanted a relationship if I hadn't moved home. Should I give up the relationship that I have built up for 5 years just for a maybe it will work out/fling or will these feelings eventually go away and I should realize what a great man I have already?
SteakandSalad Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 You're infatuated. Been there done that. Don't ruin what you have with your BF. He sounds lovely. This other guy is shiny and new and paid attention to you when you were lonely. This is a kind and caring trait, one you are attracted too, 'what if' is playing on your mind. Stay with your BF and work on not thinking about the other guy. 2
FredJones80 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 "shiny and new" soon gets old and boring no matter who. 5 years is a long time to throw away, think long and hard before you pull that cord. If you do, you could find yourself at this same crossroad in another 5 years with the new guy. 1
mightycpa Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I'm going to disagree a little with the pieces of advice you've received already. Two things you wrote jumped out at me: About 4 months after I started college I was having a really hard time... Four months? Really? Seven hours away is not like being on the other side of the country. So, certainly a visit once a month was possible, and I assume you guys did some of that, because of the "once a month" comment above. I'm not being judgmental, but it is simply not a long time. For you to feel like "well, I'm afraid I'm going to run out and get me some attention" kinda tells me that you suffer from something pretty typical for young people, which is the need to explore the world physically and emotionally. The other thing I noticed was this: I have always wished that I had met him later on in life because he is so perfect but I have never had any other relationships with anyone else. Hmm. As in, "I wish I'd had some other relationships first, so that I wouldn't feel like I missed out on something" Or "... because I'm not quite ready yet"? Like that? You don't really say how long it has been since you've seen guy #2. Two weeks is different from two months is different from two years. I think that makes a difference in the right answer, how long these feelings of yours have lingered. Also, I don't doubt that you've found a keeper, and that you recognize it. And that can be tough when you're young, and a little more susceptible to the drives and urges and desires that we all have from time to time. There's nothing wrong with that, but you need to acknowledge that you are affected by that if you actually are. As in "I wish I had met you when I was older because ..." Regret is a poison in life, especially the regret you get from not trying something. Everybody in this forum has a similar perspective - you don't know what you have until you've lost it. In this respect, most of us are all SO-aholics, going through the various stages of withdrawal from losing somebody without a heluva lot of real choice in the matter. NC is very important to everybody, because they haven't fallen out of love and reached true indifference. If my experience is typical, they never will. So, I think there's some bias in play towards keeping existing relationships alive and not exploring new ones in this forum. It's not bad advice. You can go through 100 relationships and find 100 that won't work. Finding one that does can be elusive. But I've been where you are, and I ended an almost 4 year relationship I was in where nothing was wrong, and ended up marrying the new one. Nothing wrong there either. I have no doubt I could have made it with the 4 year girl, but if I had done that, I'd have always wondered if I'd made the right call. Now I know with certainty that I did. There's risk, that's for sure, and there's only one way to find out what the right answer is. There is no right answer, and once you make a choice, you'll never know for sure what would have happened with the other one. Just be careful about regret would be my advice.
lovebug_5858 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 The guy that you have now is what we are all looking for. He has not wronged you in any way- that you've shared and truly does sound like he cares for you. It all comes down to what YOU want, but there will be repercussions that you must be ready to deal with. Afterall, you don't want to be feeling like your bf is "the one that got away" 1
Tbisb74 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 And yet, if you put all this "silly infatuation nonsense" behind you, you're always going to wonder....aren't you? You've cracked the vase. And no amount of self-telling-off is going to repair it to the extent that the crack will never ever show, again..... Or as a Counsellor I once knew, said so eloquently, "You've put a drop of ink in the water. Now try taking it out again."
Social_Collision Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 There is a quote that may help you decide. You should never leave the one you love for the one you like, for the one you like will leave you for the one they love. Then at that point things will be completely complicated and you may realize you made the wrong choice.
beach Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Did you have sex with the new guy? Why do you need so much attention from others? Have you figured out how to solve that problem yet? 2
Tbisb74 Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 There is a quote that may help you decide. You should never leave the one you love for the one you like, for the one you like will leave you for the one they love. Then at that point things will be completely complicated and you may realize you made the wrong choice. That quote is flawed....What if the one you like loves you? 2
True Gent Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Do your partner of 5 years a massive favour and leave him. He deserves better than this. You aren't emotionally mature enough to commit to one man for the rest of your life yet. The grass may be greener, but it also might not be. You're always going to wonder and your partner going off what you've said sounds like he's deserving of a partner who won't feel the need to seek attention elsewhere because of a couple of months apart.
todreaminblue Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I think you have to decide one way or another , if it were me i wouldn't leave a five year relationship for infatuation.....i go for stability and what i know is there and alive rather than to take a chance with an unknown....if i love the guy i dont leave through good times and through bad times ..i stay........do you love your bf really...... i know its hard when you have guys showing you attention and your bf isnt around.....i had this in an ldr relationship.....guys knew my boyfriend was away so they would test me...these guys knew i was in a relationship and it was a long standing one......i had to let them go if they persisted ...... what is telling to me is that you didnt tell this guy about your bf before you were just about to leave to go home.....i think if he hadnt stopped talking to you, you would have probably gone and been with him, but when he got busy you started to doubt whether you should proceed.....is that when doubts about this new guy seeped in ?..... when i was in an ldr .....i talked about my bf constantly......especially with other guys.....to let them know i was not interested before they asked,.......i talked about my views on infidelity......its how i found out from one of these guys who liked me that my bf was cheating while he was away.....the only reason he told me was because he wanted me to dump him.......i didnt my bf came home the same day i told him we were through...he flew home to me and our girls...... gave work up and sorted our relationship out we worked on it...i had to say goodbye to the guy friend who told....he pretty much took off as soon as he found out my bf was coming back anyway.. my ex eventually did leave me for an affair btw......once you head on the road of cheating its hard to stop.....dont go there..... stay with your bf and work it out five years is worth a fight dont you think.....the fight for a caring guy who treats you well.......who loves you more importantly....but do you love him?......deb
sly_fly1 Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 you are blind. if you cannot see what you already have, this is what i call being greedy, you have gold at home , but its not good enough, you want diamonds. well all i got to say is, if you leave him, good for him for not wasting more time. but when you find out that the new diamond guy is actually just a lump of coal. and your ex will find his perfect girl. dont try n get him back.because this is what you wanted..right?
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