ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 About 2 months ago, I met my current girlfriend, we just made things official. I really like her a lot and think it definitely has long-term potential. Sorry about the length here: However, after our first or second date, I was drinking with a good friend and reminiscing about former love interests/girlfriends. At some point, I mentioned a girl I had interned with during grad school, but our internships had only overlapped for a very short period of time(~3 weeks) about 4 years ago. At the time, I had a girlfriend back where I had been attending school across the country. Anyway, the girl I interned with I still find myself thinking about occasionally. In the short period of time I got to know her, I found her overwhelmingly compatible and attractive. I had a girlfriend across the country and knew I'd be returning back that way soon, so there was no way to act on my rather unusually strong feelings. I was deeply conflicted. Ultimately, I ended up breaking up with the girlfriend at that time a couple of years later. I have regularly dated a variety of women since then. However, my friend suggested sending my fellow co-intern of the past a facebook message, which I did send a quick message. I don't even remember what the message was. I rarely use facebook, but today my friend suggested I take a look at picture someone posted on an unrelated note. When I logged in for the first time since I sent that message, I saw there was a reply from my co-intern of years past. I really like my current girlfriend and feel extremely guilty about the thought of even opening the facebook message. I have to admit I'm extremely curious about what she had to say since I haven't communicated with her in years. I know it won't change anything as she looks to still live on the opposite side of the US and I don't plan on moving there. For all I know, she could be married or even have children. Even if she expressed interest, I couldn't reply back without guilt. For all I know, she might think I'm some weirdo for contacting her from out of nowhere. Would it be wrong to read the email out of curiosity? I don't even know how long it took her to respond.
Eivuwan Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Why create problems when there are none? I say let the past be the past. 1
Assasda Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Sure, read the email. You did the hard part and SENT HER A MESSAGE. So reading the email should be cake. Anyway, it is cheating, not because of the communication, but because of how you feel inside. You clearly are not thinking platonic-ally or you wouldnt have any guilt. So yes, you are trying to cheat. if that was your question 2
leavesonautumn Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I don't consider it cheating but I see the potential of emotional cheating in your future unless you let your feelings fade and move on from this person. Your guilt just says it all. It sounds like you want the email to mean something more than it could be. 1
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Sure, read the email. You did the hard part and SENT HER A MESSAGE. So reading the email should be cake. Anyway, it is cheating, not because of the communication, but because of how you feel inside. You clearly are not thinking platonic-ally or you wouldnt have any guilt. So yes, you are trying to cheat. if that was your question I'm not sure what I actually said, it may have sounded more platonic and she is now technically a colleague of the same profession. We never went on a date or made any physical contact in the past. I had sent the message while drunk, before being exclusive/official with my now girlfriend. Like I said, six weeks or so passed before I logged into facebook after sending the initial message. I'll probably just leave it unread as I'm not really into facebook anyway. Does this change your opinion?
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 I don't consider it cheating but I see the potential of emotional cheating in your future unless you let your feelings fade and move on from this person. Your guilt just says it all. It sounds like you want the email to mean something more than it could be. I think you are right. My girlfriend is great. This is just some sort of weird re-hashing I had when feeling depressed and single. I am a bit curious about having a platonic relationship with this other woman but I never kept in touch with her because of how attracted to her previously. In reality, I never knew her all that well. Do you think I should just try to figure out a way to delete the message without reading it?
Zahara Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I think you are right. My girlfriend is great. This is just some sort of weird re-hashing I had when feeling depressed and single. I am a bit curious about having a platonic relationship with this other woman but I never kept in touch with her because of how attracted to her previously. In reality, I never knew her all that well. Do you think I should just try to figure out a way to delete the message without reading it? I doubt so. You said you found her overwhelmingly attractive and compatible, in the short period of time you got to know her. I think there's still a level of emotional interest and curiosity in you. If your girlfriend were in your shoes, and she came to you and said, "Honey, there was once this guy I interned with for 3 weeks. I found him overwhelmingly attractive and compatible. I reached out to him some time ago and he's replied. I'm curious to see if I can have a platonic relationship with him. Do you mind if I start communicating with him?" What would your response be and how would feel? And yes, you are in the realm of cheating as you're really not looking at this from a platonic standpoint. You know this. 1
carhill Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Do you think I should just try to figure out a way to delete the message without reading it? If you decide no contact/delete is your path, then the ability to delete e-mails without reading them is generally easy. I either hit the check box next to the title and hit 'delete' or shift-select a few titles and hit delete. Did it just now with a number of e-mails I didn't wish to read. As to whether your actions have been inappropriate, your girlfriend is the arbiter of that, not some disinterested forum members. She might find it fine; she might be disturbed by it; she might find it completely unacceptable. In any event, in your relationship, she decides what is acceptable, or not, to her. To the extent which you engage in unacceptable behavior and choose to deceive her, that's the the cheating part. While the 'shoe on other foot' isn't always conclusive, one potential help in such situations is to take your activities and place them in her hands, imagining that she was doing what you've been doing and how you'd authentically feel about that if you were standing right next to her as she was doing it. Good luck! 1
leavesonautumn Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 I think you are right. My girlfriend is great. This is just some sort of weird re-hashing I had when feeling depressed and single. I am a bit curious about having a platonic relationship with this other woman but I never kept in touch with her because of how attracted to her previously. In reality, I never knew her all that well. Do you think I should just try to figure out a way to delete the message without reading it? Delete the message and maybe this will be a bit controversial but delete her as a friend if you have her on your list as well. The chances of her trying to communicate with you again will probably be pretty low. 1
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 If you decide no contact/delete is your path, then the ability to delete e-mails without reading them is generally easy. I either hit the check box next to the title and hit 'delete' or shift-select a few titles and hit delete. Did it just now with a number of e-mails I didn't wish to read. As to whether your actions have been inappropriate, your girlfriend is the arbiter of that, not some disinterested forum members. She might find it fine; she might be disturbed by it; she might find it completely unacceptable. In any event, in your relationship, she decides what is acceptable, or not, to her. To the extent which you engage in unacceptable behavior and choose to deceive her, that's the the cheating part. While the 'shoe on other foot' isn't always conclusive, one potential help in such situations is to take your activities and place them in her hands, imagining that she was doing what you've been doing and how you'd authentically feel about that if you were standing right next to her as she was doing it. Good luck! I rarely use facebook and not sure if the message becomes visible when you enter that section. In her shoes, I'd have no problem about my initial message as we had just been on 1 or 2 dates. Reading or responding to the follow up would bother me though and maybe make me think she wasn't sold on me.
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Delete the message and maybe this will be a bit controversial but delete her as a friend if you have her on your list as well. The chances of her trying to communicate with you again will probably be pretty low. You are probably right. I don't think the initial message was faulty as nearly everyone multi-dates these days and we had only been on two dates at max. Now that a relationship has been established it does feel wrong. 1
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 If you decide no contact/delete is your path, then the ability to delete e-mails without reading them is generally easy. I either hit the check box next to the title and hit 'delete' or shift-select a few titles and hit delete. Did it just now with a number of e-mails I didn't wish to read. As to whether your actions have been inappropriate, your girlfriend is the arbiter of that, not some disinterested forum members. She might find it fine; she might be disturbed by it; she might find it completely unacceptable. In any event, in your relationship, she decides what is acceptable, or not, to her. To the extent which you engage in unacceptable behavior and choose to deceive her, that's the the cheating part. While the 'shoe on other foot' isn't always conclusive, one potential help in such situations is to take your activities and place them in her hands, imagining that she was doing what you've been doing and how you'd authentically feel about that if you were standing right next to her as she was doing it. Good luck! The more I think about it, I'm not sure if it would bother me. If she told me after our first date, I facebook messaged a former crush who lives across the country not expecting a reply. If after getting the unexpected reply, she said I was curious so I read it but took no further action. I might be a little skeptical or nervous about it or might just blow it off. How would others feel?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Why did you really message her, and why did your friend suggest this? Also, I'm sure you can remember at least the vague contents of the message. What did you write? I think you're skating on semi-thin ice here. You know how you felt about this girl in the past, and you've re-established contact with her. I wouldn't try to pursue a platonic friendship with her. I'd nip it in the bud and delete the message.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Do you have any idea what this message says? Couldn't it be something like "hey, my fiance and I are coming to visit this November, want to join us for dinner"? At any rate, you were the one to initiate contact, so you should at least read her message and reply back with a "this was a bad idea, I'm sorry" if necessary. For all you know she thinks it's a bad idea too. While you feel terribly guilty and dishonest, I wouldn't call it cheating. It's only when you start making her a priority over your girlfriend (physically or emotionally) that it really is cheating.
todreaminblue Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 emotionally cheating yes you are thinking about someone else and you are attracted to her....still.....you feel bad about it also shows signs that you are bordering close to starting something as another poster said delete the message and delete her .....you are ina relationship now and its early days you need to nurture the relationship you are in, not nurture one from your past into life....dont resuscitate the dead...its gone and needs to stay that way........deb
Author ExposedBrick Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 Do you have any idea what this message says? Couldn't it be something like "hey, my fiance and I are coming to visit this November, want to join us for dinner"? At any rate, you were the one to initiate contact, so you should at least read her message and reply back with a "this was a bad idea, I'm sorry" if necessary. For all you know she thinks it's a bad idea too. While you feel terribly guilty and dishonest, I wouldn't call it cheating. It's only when you start making her a priority over your girlfriend (physically or emotionally) that it really is cheating. I saw she had posted some photos from the city I live in on the east coast, presumably visiting as many people do, from a few months before. I think the message said something like," saw you were in my city. I still think of you from time to time." Again, I was drunkenly reminiscing with a friend about former loves and missed opportunities. We never actually had a relationship because I had another gf at the time we met and would never cheat on anyone. I never really got to know her super well, it was just one of those bad timing missed opportunity scenarios. She seemed like an old friend almost immediately. It was weird for me to contact her after many years. I feel bad for contacting her. In my defense, I had no gf at the time I sent the message. It was a shot in the dark and I never thought she'd respond.
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