deathandtaxes Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 The only sensible response you can give, OP, is 'I'll stop smoking when you stop smoking'. End of story. Anything else that comes out of his mouth about you smoking when he still smokes is just disrespectful bs. 3
spiderowl Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Why would he 'exercise' his new found power over me?? I did call him out on hypocrisy but has not withdraw from the relationship People can sense when there has been a power shift in a relationship. If he feels you are more settled with him now and won't leave him, then he may feel more secure and as if he can control you. It is a very controlling thing to do. Is that not obvious?
FitChick Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Tell him you will quit when he does and that you should both try smoking e-cigarettes. I think Vapage(?) is the good one. Safer and cheaper than cigarettes after the initial investment. I listened to a radio program discussing this. I was quite surprised and learned that the tobacco companies are behind the false facts about vaping because they know people will be quitting tobacco products. If the tobacco industry is against vaping, I am for it! Even heavy smokers who have tried every device and trick to quit in the past said vaping was much easier. It's basically nicotine in steam and has none of the 400 or so chemicals in regular cigarettes,which is the junk that will kill you. 1
SoPeachy Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 People can sense when there has been a power shift in a relationship. If he feels you are more settled with him now and won't leave him, then he may feel more secure and as if he can control you. It is a very controlling thing to do. Is that not obvious? Yes spiderowl, I felt like it's not really about health concern from his side. It's more like, I dunno, probably control like you said.
SoPeachy Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) I feel it shows he cares about you and your health...if it came down to your bf or the cigarette which would you choose?......deb If it's about health then why does he smoke himself? Edited July 21, 2014 by SoPeachy 1
Author Iris17 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 It is a double standard, but there are lots of them out there. I imagine you prefer that he did the initial asking out and the initial paying, etc. I'm not suggesting you go along with this, but stop the feminist rant of it being sexist. I'm sure you enjoy many of the women beneficial double standards and I doubt you rail about them being sexist as well. SOmeone is sensitive to the word 'sexist'. It is sexist if anyone says men can smoke and women cant. Same as someone who says women can smoke and men cant. You said 'I imagine..., I'm sure you....' Dont assume, imagine or guess who i am or what I'm like.. 1
Els Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Sounds awfully hypocritical and controlling to me. I could understand his behaviour if he was a non-smoker, and you didn't smoke when you met him but turned into a smoker later. But in this case, nope, he's got nothin'. Would you be amenable to quitting if he was quitting at the same time though? I mean, sure, you have the right to choose what you want to do, but it's good for your own health to quit. Try it for yourself, even if you kick this hypocritical ******* to the curb at the same time. 3
Author Iris17 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Sounds awfully hypocritical and controlling to me. I could understand his behaviour if he was a non-smoker, and you didn't smoke when you met him but turned into a smoker later. But in this case, nope, he's got nothin'. Would you be amenable to quitting if he was quitting at the same time though? I mean, sure, you have the right to choose what you want to do, but it's good for your own health to quit. Try it for yourself, even if you kick this hypocritical ******* to the curb at the same time. Yes I can try and quit if he is willing to quit together. I have thought of quitting on my own too. I did say to him to let me quit on my own at my own pace but he ignore what i said. 1
Author Iris17 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Im just tired of us arguing about 'me' smoking. I have to admit there was a time when I said to him, okay I will quit, but will smoke once in a while when I have a drink or go out. I cant promise you i can quit now but will try. Quite recently, we were goign to a party and was meeting him after work, I thought I will save time and get some drinks and cigarettes for the party before I meet him. When we met & got into the car I gave him the cigarettes and was about to take one out for myself and he said no you're not having one. He said to me 'you are smoking more and more.. you said you're goign to quit and you dont'. I got quite annoyed then we argued. He made me feel so bad i didnt have a cigarette in the end, i was so upset by his behaviour and for not letting me have the cigs that I bought. Then he started puffing away whilst driving.
deathandtaxes Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Im just tired of us arguing about 'me' smoking. I have to admit there was a time when I said to him, okay I will quit, but will smoke once in a while when I have a drink or go out. I cant promise you i can quit now but will try. Quite recently, we were goign to a party and was meeting him after work, I thought I will save time and get some drinks and cigarettes for the party before I meet him. When we met & got into the car I gave him the cigarettes and was about to take one out for myself and he said no you're not having one. He said to me 'you are smoking more and more.. you said you're goign to quit and you dont'. I got quite annoyed then we argued. He made me feel so bad i didnt have a cigarette in the end, i was so upset by his behaviour and for not letting me have the cigs that I bought. Then he started puffing away whilst driving. Wow. Just Wow. What a dick. 4
Els Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 Im just tired of us arguing about 'me' smoking. I have to admit there was a time when I said to him, okay I will quit, but will smoke once in a while when I have a drink or go out. I cant promise you i can quit now but will try. Quite recently, we were goign to a party and was meeting him after work, I thought I will save time and get some drinks and cigarettes for the party before I meet him. When we met & got into the car I gave him the cigarettes and was about to take one out for myself and he said no you're not having one. He said to me 'you are smoking more and more.. you said you're goign to quit and you dont'. I got quite annoyed then we argued. He made me feel so bad i didnt have a cigarette in the end, i was so upset by his behaviour and for not letting me have the cigs that I bought. Then he started puffing away whilst driving. Surely you have tried pointing out the hypocrisy to him. What does he say about that? 2
Author Iris17 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Posted July 23, 2014 Surely you have tried pointing out the hypocrisy to him. What does he say about that? I have many times. He says he knows it s double standard, and then has the same excuses as always (mentioned in my past posts) and said this is his opinion and his view. To me, nothing he says will ever make sense as long as he still continues to smoke. It s like he doesn't see the problem of being a hypocrite. I feel like we are in a different dimensions sometimes,
Lixxy Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 When we met & got into the car I gave him the cigarettes and was about to take one out for myself and he said no you're not having one. He said to me 'you are smoking more and more.. you said you're goign to quit and you dont'. I got quite annoyed then we argued. He made me feel so bad i didnt have a cigarette in the end, i was so upset by his behaviour and for not letting me have the cigs that I bought. Then he started puffing away whilst driving. I never usually say things like this, but seriously, your boyfriend is a complete and total *******. He's treating you like a child. "You're not having one"? Uhh, yes, asswipe, she is.
Smilecharmer Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 No, just no. This is how abusive relationships start. When you look back in five years after that kid, you will think why didn't I walk when he wanted to control me and tell me, an adult, what to do? It won't stop with this and his excuses are just control parameters to get you in an emotional spot like children. There is no way any healthy woman would stay with a guy like this.. The red flags are building a fort around you, saying it is time to go before he starts controlling who you hang out with, where you go, what you wear, and which family events you can attend. This is not healthy or normal. 1
Author Iris17 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Posted July 23, 2014 No, just no. This is how abusive relationships start. When you look back in five years after that kid, you will think why didn't I walk when he wanted to control me and tell me, an adult, what to do? It won't stop with this and his excuses are just control parameters to get you in an emotional spot like children. There is no way any healthy woman would stay with a guy like this.. The red flags are building a fort around you, saying it is time to go before he starts controlling who you hang out with, where you go, what you wear, and which family events you can attend. This is not healthy or normal. Abuse? Really, I know this is controlling and I'm won't accept but never thought it can lead to abuse. He lets me go out and do stuff where ever I want and when ever I want though.
Bigcitydreamer Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 Oh man, reading this thread brings back memories.. I have an ex who was like your bf. We both smoked and he was ok with it in the beginning. After time he use to tell me to quit because it was unbecoming of a woman, and he didn't like it, he would say this to me as he was smoking. He was such a hypocrite. I NEVER backed down, and continued to smoke as I would not let his hypocritical opinion influence me. It truly made me sick that he would be so ignorant. I'm telling you right now that you should dump him. Nothing you could say about the situation could change my mind about this. You can guarantee he knows he's being a jerk, but just doesn't care. It is 100% controlling of him. Give him the boot- grieve your loss, and you will look back and wish you did it sooner. He doesn't seem to respect you and you can't do anything about that. I'm sorry your bf turned out to be a jerk, but hopefully you next his a** and find someone who won't be so petty, in the long run you will be happier, I know I am
Smilecharmer Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 Abuse? Really, I know this is controlling and I'm won't accept but never thought it can lead to abuse. He lets me go out and do stuff where ever I want and when ever I want though. Read books on domestic violence and abuse. This is a beginning control tactic by an abuser. To find something you enjoy and make you quit under the he guise of your health or children. Controlling behavior starts with just one thing and then escalates. Right now, he is letting you go out with friends and do what you want, oh, except smoking which is something he doesn't have to quit because he is a man and won't have children. If he was really concerned about that he would quit with you, not dictate to you if you can have a cigarette or not. You are dating this guy and he is already telling you what to do. A few years ago my neighbor told me about her younger brother who was in a relationship with a woman who made a demand that he stop hanging out with this other guy who took him dirt track racing because she said it was too dangerous. He agreed because he is pretty mild and didn't think anything about it. They got married and he tried to stay and be a good husband until she then started telling him who he could hang out with, which of his cousins she would let him see, what he could do on weekends, which job was better for him, and made him trade in his sports car for a minivan...well, you get he gist. She also started hiding his checkbook, ATM cards, gave him an allowance because she said she was better at money. He tried to leave one night when she hung on his sister because she didn't want him talking to her because his sister, my neighbor, had told him she was worried about him. His wife took a kitchen knife and stabbed him in the chest. It starts out as control, then it becomes abusive because she took away his basic human rights, then she told him he would never see his daughter again if he left, then she stabbed him. Controlling behavior is the gateway to abuse. Even if he isn't an abusive person, being controlled isn't healthy and will lead to resentment and inequity in the relationship. Do not stat in a situation you know isn't right just because you have feelings. Feelings that you feel in a relationship that has inequity and controlling behaviors in it aren't real because they are built on negative foundations. Time to take care of yourself. He doesn't get to tell you what to do, and he certainly has no business demanding something he isn't willing to do himself.
dumbass2 Posted July 23, 2014 Posted July 23, 2014 If he really loves you, you need to tell him that it will be impossible to quit if he is going to continue to smoke around you. I've tried quitting a few times and it was really hard because a few of my good friends smoke and we hang out a lot. I think it comes down to you saying you should both quit and support each other to stop or you both continue to smoke. If you do plan on having a child soon, then it is up to you to stop without anyone's help. You then are doing it for yourself and the baby and not for him.
Author Iris17 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Posted July 23, 2014 Read books on domestic violence and abuse. This is a beginning control tactic by an abuser. To find something you enjoy and make you quit under the he guise of your health or children. Controlling behavior starts with just one thing and then escalates. Right now, he is letting you go out with friends and do what you want, oh, except smoking which is something he doesn't have to quit because he is a man and won't have children. If he was really concerned about that he would quit with you, not dictate to you if you can have a cigarette or not. You are dating this guy and he is already telling you what to do. A few years ago my neighbor told me about her younger brother who was in a relationship with a woman who made a demand that he stop hanging out with this other guy who took him dirt track racing because she said it was too dangerous. He agreed because he is pretty mild and didn't think anything about it. They got married and he tried to stay and be a good husband until she then started telling him who he could hang out with, which of his cousins she would let him see, what he could do on weekends, which job was better for him, and made him trade in his sports car for a minivan...well, you get he gist. She also started hiding his checkbook, ATM cards, gave him an allowance because she said she was better at money. He tried to leave one night when she hung on his sister because she didn't want him talking to her because his sister, my neighbor, had told him she was worried about him. His wife took a kitchen knife and stabbed him in the chest. It starts out as control, then it becomes abusive because she took away his basic human rights, then she told him he would never see his daughter again if he left, then she stabbed him. Controlling behavior is the gateway to abuse. Even if he isn't an abusive person, being controlled isn't healthy and will lead to resentment and inequity in the relationship. Do not stat in a situation you know isn't right just because you have feelings. Feelings that you feel in a relationship that has inequity and controlling behaviors in it aren't real because they are built on negative foundations. Time to take care of yourself. He doesn't get to tell you what to do, and he certainly has no business demanding something he isn't willing to do himself. Smile charmer - Holy c**p! That's messed up. I will definitely read into it. Bigcitydreamer - I'm seriously thinking about giving him the boot and then quit myself (We also have other problems in our relationship) It was the way he told me to quit that day that I can never forget. He just said it casually 'you shouldn't smoke any more'. Or you should stop smoking, something along that line. Before I was committed to him I made sure he knows I smoke and I was glad he didn't have a problem with it. I made sure he is okay with it because my previous ex didn't like me smoking at all but I could understand my ex because I started smoking again a year after I dated him. The ex thought I was non smoker.
Bigcitydreamer Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I was going to say that I bet you have other issues in the relationship! Even if they aren't huge, I knew they were there! When you find the one your meant to be with you won't have this gut feeling that I bet you have.. It sucks to say because no one wants to think that their relationship isn't going to work out but as I said above I left my ex and I couldn't be happier and that's the honest truth. Leaving was hard but I'm positive I made the right choice. I've also had exes who didn't smoke and who weren't fond of me smoking but they had a reason to feel that way. A smoker understands why someone smokes and your bfs attitude to you is simply disrespectful. Stand your ground and tell him that you don't like hypocrites and if he mentions it to you one more time that you will have to break up with him. Listen to your heart girl. The red flags are blaring and you know it. I wish you luck with whatever decision you take 2
Quiet Storm Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I think it has to do with attraction. Seeing women smoking turns him off. Whether he smokes himself or not isnt a factor in his sexual attraction to a woman. Attraction isn't logical. Even if he says to himself "I do it too, so it shouldn't matter"- intellectually acknowledgeing that he's being a hypocrite doesn't change the fact that he finds it unattractive. I think he knows he's being a hypocrite. But he can't stop himself from being turned off by it. This is why he wants to smoke at different times than you. He doesn't want to see it. So its basically a compatibility issue. You are a female smoker and your boyfriend has an aversion to female smokers. Not a good match. You will resent him for feeling this way and not quitting himself, and he will resent you for continuing to do something that bothers him. This isn't something that will cause an occasional argument. You smoke everyday, probably multiple times per day. So it will keep coming up and causing stress on a daily basis. 1
robbysurfs Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 hmmm yeah smoking is a deal breaker for me too. It is just waaaaaaay to stanky! :sick: It is probably the most gross, harmful, and toxic habit to hold onto these days. Buy the book by allen car its can help you quit. :sick:, but its gross by the way.
Els Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 I think it has to do with attraction. Seeing women smoking turns him off. Whether he smokes himself or not isnt a factor in his sexual attraction to a woman. Attraction isn't logical. Even if he says to himself "I do it too, so it shouldn't matter"- intellectually acknowledgeing that he's being a hypocrite doesn't change the fact that he finds it unattractive. She was a smoker before they got together. They'd smoke together. If it was just attraction that is the issue, why'd he even ask her to be his girlfriend? This sounds like an issue of control much more than just 'he likes what he likes'. 1
Els Posted July 24, 2014 Posted July 24, 2014 Anyway, what I think you should do, OP: 1) Dump his controlling ass 2) Go through a rehabilitation program to help yourself quit. The success rates from some of those are much better than quitting on your own
Author Iris17 Posted July 24, 2014 Author Posted July 24, 2014 hmmm yeah smoking is a deal breaker for me too. It is just waaaaaaay to stanky! :sick: It is probably the most gross, harmful, and toxic habit to hold onto these days. Buy the book by allen car its can help you quit. :sick:, but its gross by the way. Fair enough robbysurf. And I hope you're not a smoker yourself.
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