roedeer Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Hello LS, basically I'm in my late 20s. I have a job but the pay is low (or very low). I don't really have problem with it, because I am still able to manage my modest life (just very little saving) Then I met a guy, he is very nice and sweet: buy me small gifts all the times, takes me out and pay for meals, always initiates going out together. The dates were going well, I liked being treated like a lady, and he told me all the times that he tried hard to treat me well. Then the relationship came to new stage, we agreed to be bf-gf. Normally, I know I should pay for half of everytime we went out, but I couldn't so I just occasionally paid when I could. Now since we became exclusive, he wanted us to go and meet his friend more. It's important to create mutual bond, but it made me uncomfortable. The problem is I can't afford those dinner get-together. And it's awkward to let him pay for us all the times (plus I don't even like foods). I refused but he always insisted that I joined (and always thanked me to join him). My bf earns decent money, and my salary is just 1/5 of his. I know everything about his salary, savings and such, but I feel uneasy talking about my income when he asks. In my previous relationships, we were very open about money, mostly because we were both poor. We went to cheap dates, never went to expensive restaurants, shared with each other every pennies we got. And we both felt comfortable. Now I wonder when and how I should discuss money with my new bf. I can't afford his taste, but I don't wanna be a free rider.
angel.eyes Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 First, you need to initiate a conversation about money. Otherwise, it looks as if you're reluctant to meet his social circle and become integrated in his life. Right now, he's probably oblivious to your financial concerns. Second, when it's your turn to organize a date, invite him over for a home-cooked meal, plan a walk with picnic outing, etc. There are lots of free/cheap options available to you. I agree that things should be fairly even-handed once you're in a relationship. Plan as many dates as he does, but keep them interesting, personalize them, and pick things in your budget when it's "your" turn. There are also a lot of little thoughtful gestures that you can do to make it clear to him that you're just as invested in the relationship as he is. It's not about how much you spend, it's about what you actually do for him. I'm wealthier than my boyfriend, but when I want to make him feel special, I cook for him. (He doesn't know how to cook, so it's a treat for him.) Either I surprise him with his favorite dish, or we'll go grocery shopping together, and he gets to "special order" his meal then play sous chef when we cook together. He loves it! We work together really well too. Anyway, start by communicating with your boyfriend. Then get creative with your date plans. 1
Assasda Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I dont understand why you cant tell your BF all of this. Tell him that its too expensive, and you hate the food. This seems very logical
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 Money makes a lot of people crazy. they can be tough discussions. In the dating stages I don't think full disclosure is warranted but with a 5:1 income disparity like you have some discussion is warranted. You need to discuss how you both feel about money. 1
Author roedeer Posted July 21, 2014 Author Posted July 21, 2014 I dont understand why you cant tell your BF all of this. Tell him that its too expensive, and you hate the food. This seems very logical Because eating out is his favorite activity, and his friends' too. He loves foods except for foods I cook because our tastes are very different, besides, he can cook way better than me. I don't like food in general, so he just appreciates because I go out with him and his friends. And yes, as angel.eyes said, it is important to him that I become integrated in his life Yes, I'm upset with the situation, since he asked me why I never disclose my financial situation, and whether I felt awkward to tell him my income...I guess it's the time
angel.eyes Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) You don't have to go into specific details. Just broach the subject the next time he sets up a restaurant date. Say something like: "You know I don't make anywhere near what you do. I can't afford to eat out as often as we do, and I would feel bad if I weren't sharing expenses when we went out. I worry about my budget. Let's do cheaper things that are just as fun some of the time. What do you think?" Our unspoken rule: if I propose or plan the date, I pay for it; if my BF does, he pays. Neither of us has to worry about the other's finances because we pay for date ideas we suggest By the way, I sense that you're turning eating, a very enjoyable, social pastime, into a you-or-me struggle that you dread. It really doesn't have to be that way. My BF and I have polar opposite diets. We manage to enjoy eating out together. When I cook for him, I cook things that I know he will enjoy (but I don't eat), and since I'm no masochist or martyr, I cook a couple of dishes for myself that are totally different. It doesn't take any extra time. Edited July 21, 2014 by angel.eyes 1
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2014 Posted July 21, 2014 roedeer -- eating out is an expensive past time. If you don't have an income level that matches his, you will end up in debt in no time if you insist on matching his spending level when you can't afford it. You two have to talk about the expectations. If his expectation is that you will accompany him when he goes out to eat & he'll pick up the check you have nothing to worry about. But if you are expected to pay to eat in places where the dinner bill is more than your weekly paycheck, adjustments will be required. 2
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