sooshi Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 (edited) I hadn't spoken to or heard from my ex-fiance in over four months until he contacted me with a "sooshi, what the #$&* were you thinking?" He was referring to why I'd gone to visit a friend in his area. Well, my friend had invited me. She assured me nobody from my past needed to know I was there, and assured me we wouldn't be anywhere near him. He thought I had an ulterior motive, made lots of assumptions, and told other people about them. I didn't ever want him to know I was there. It turns out the friend who had invited me was the one who told him. After I didn't respond to that e-mail, he sent a more thorough one, asking if my actions were related to our broken engagement. He didn't realize at all that the pain I'd gone through with him pursuing my best friend and her enjoying it and never standing up for me was far more painful than the broken engagement. He never apologized for that. Not for sending me the love song for her, not for anything other than for saying anything that was unwarranted. He justified his behaviour by essentially saying he's really broken and confused. It seemed like he just wanted to know why I went to visit his area and that was it. After four months of nothing, he storms back into my life with what felt like an accusation. I told him that if he didn't respect me or care about me like it seemed like he didn't, that he should leave me alone. He hasn't contacted me since that day. And I've ended up thinking about him so much. I was doing so well, and although I've continued to do well for the most part, I find myself missing him more than I had been before he contacted me, and all of that. Now I want him to contact me with something substantial, after all of this time of being okay with him not being in my life anymore. All because I clarified why I went to visit a friend. To help make him feel less disconcerted. To make him not see me as a completely bad, crazy person who went there. I didn't even contact him while I was there. Nothing. Wouldn't that have been more disconcerting? I don't know if that was worth it, responding. But I felt like if I didn't, he would've just kept contacting me. Maybe not. I know, I should've blocked him, but couldn't. I could've sent his e-mails to trash, but I don't have the self-control not to read. I'm sure most (if not all) of you would say it wasn't worth responding to. I'm sorry, sooshi. On the other hand, I'm keeping my former best friend at a great distance. I won't be revealing any more personal details about my life to her. I probably won't even initiate conversations. I definitely won't be inviting her to my wedding (I *hope* it'll happen someday!). I'm glad I've established those boundaries with her. She was not much of a friend throughout the whole thing, and would turn it on me a lot of the time. So I guess that's a plus, with keeping my distance with her. Edited July 20, 2014 by sooshi
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Well. It sounds like you learned your lesson. The stove is still hot! Don't get burned again!!!
No Limit Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 You don't keep them at a distance, you remove them entirely. Who cares if he's upset and wants to know why you're walking at the same side of the planet as he is? Don't respond and block if breadcrumbs hurt you.
BC1980 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 A few observations. 1. Why did your friend tell him you were visiting? Why are they even in contact? 2. I've said before that you can't police what he thinks about you. That would be a very difficult task for anyone to undertake. Any response from you actually makes you look worse. It's like going down a rabbit hole. You can keep trying to do or say things to make your ex perceive you in a certain way, but you usually end up digging yourself a deeper hole. Did I mention that it's also exhausting and not worth your effort. 3. You would have actually looked better had you not responded to his text at all. I know it's so tempting to want to respond, but silence is always the better option. I know you've heard it before, but any response reinforces the idea that you give a d@mn what he thinks of you. Of course, it's normal to care what your ex thinks. We all care, but you can't let it show because you are trying to get to a place where you don't care so much. Next time he texts, think of it this way. You don't need to respond because it doesn't matter what he thinks. You are going to go about your day and your life. It's a score for your self-esteem not to respond.
BC1980 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Now I want him to contact me with something substantial, after all of this time of being okay with him not being in my life anymore. If that is true, then you will ignore him next time he contacts you. You will block him from all forms of contact. I know this is really difficult, but you have to block him and delete those emails. He seems to bring you nothing but pain when he comes back into your life. He's not going to change. Don't sacrifice your well being to kee him unblocked, betting on the off chance that he might regret his decision or apologize. It's not worth it to live your life in fear of anticipation of him contacting you. It's not in the end.
Zahara Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 (edited) 1) One best friend prioritized your ex's flirting with her over her loyalty to you. 2) Next best friend went against her word to you and went ahead and informed your ex. Even after both these women have betrayed you, you still keep their friendship and keep them at arms length when they should be gone. Both have prioritized your ex over you. Enough of keeping people at a distance when you should be deleting them from your life. Your ex has no right to dictate where you decide to travel to. This was another way for him to provoke you and bully you. You bit. Your responded emotionally, again seeking validation from him. He got his ego boost. He should have been blocked a long time ago. He's disrespected you. Your best friends have disrespected you. And you're still accessible to them. Remove them. Enough of having zero boundaries and letting people walk all over you. Block both best friends and him. This has gone far enough. Edited July 20, 2014 by Zahara 2
BC1980 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 1) One best friend prioritized your ex's flirting with her over her loyalty to you. 2) Next best friend went against her word to you and went ahead and informed your ex. Even after both these women have betrayed you, you still keep their friendship and keep them at arms length when they should be gone. Both have prioritized your ex over you. Enough of keeping people at a distance when you should be deleting them from your life. Your ex has no right to dictate where you decide to travel to. This was another way for him to provoke you and bully you. You bit. Your responded emotionally, again seeking validation from him. He got his ego boost. He should have been blocked a long time ago. He's disrespected you. Your best friends have disrespected you. And you're still accessible to them. Remove them. Enough of having zero boundaries and letting people walk all over you. Block both best friends and him. This has gone far enough. ^^^This. Sooshi, you seem like such a sweet person. You remind me of myself, always allowing others to do as they please and getting trampled on in the process. Always allow others to bust your boundaries with no consequences. All in the name of being the nice person and wanting people to like you. It took me a long time to realize that I was sacrificing my self-worth for other people, and it bit me in the *ss in the end.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Yeah, I can't believe he had the gall to tell you not to visit his state (as if he's the governor) and you actually felt the need to respond to such an asinine train of thought.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 always allowing others to do as they please and getting trampled on in the process. Always allow others to bust your boundaries with no consequences. All in the name of being the nice person and wanting people to like you. Soosh: I see 2 things that need your immediate attention emerging from this event: 1. Setting and enforcing boundaries. 2. Putting your wants and needs before anyone else. You are displaying classic "Nice Guy / Girl" behaviors. They will get you nowhere. Ask me how I know... 1
Author sooshi Posted July 22, 2014 Author Posted July 22, 2014 Thank you for your replies, everyone. The friend I went to visit was just a friend. I'd never met her in person before; this was the first time. I guess she told my ex about my visit because she wanted to tell him why she was deleting him on Facebook. Zahara, you're right that he has no right to dictate where I go. I gave in when I shouldn't have. mtnbiker, yeah, I've seen your posts about the "nice guy (/girl)" behaviours. Thanks for reminding me about me doing just that. BC1980, you seem like a really sweet person yourself. I realize that I've been sacrificing my self-worth for others as well, and I've been bitten in the butt (and heart!) as well. Simon, as always--thanks for your directness and honesty. It really was a stupid thing he said and I shouldn't have responded, but I did. Thanks, No Limit. He truly has disrespected me. Last night, I finally blocked him, and deleted her. I know I deserve better. I know I need to set and enforce boundaries. It's okay if it upsets them or makes them not like me. I like me and that's what matters the most. 1
Zahara Posted July 22, 2014 Posted July 22, 2014 Last night, I finally blocked him, and deleted her. I know I deserve better. I know I need to set and enforce boundaries. It's okay if it upsets them or makes them not like me. I like me and that's what matters the most. Bingo! At the end of the day, the only validation you need is from within. I'm so proud of you for finally blocking him and removing her from your life. You need people that support and provide substance in your life. Not those that take away from it.
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