New to this forum and looking for support. Dumped by first GF and love

[Hockey14]

Over a year ago in February, after working so hard with therapists and drs I got over some very serious social anxiety, confidence, fear of women issues and started dating. I met this girl online who was everything I had ever wanted on a gf since I was 14. She was my dream girl. So we started dating but she was always very scared. She pulled away or held me at a distance for the first few months because she was scared to be hurt because she had been so hurt before in her only other relationship in hs.

 

We were both graduate students (24 and 25) who were virgins. After 4 months we finally had sex and everything seemed magical and perfect for the next 5 months. In the end of January we got in a few fights as we were both stressed. She was stressed about law school and finding a job. I was worried about residency placement and te concern of leaving her. I did not believe she wanted me to leave philadelphia. Se asked me when we were dating early on where I wanted to go for residency and I said Philly and she said good you're not leaving me. This happened a few times, but when I was applying she would tell me go where you want I can just visit.

 

When she knew I wanted to go to NYC she even said she would be willing to move to NYC in the future. So in February after fighting we couldn't hang out on vday but we planned I go out the beginning of the following week. I therefore bought her flowers, a teddy beat, ect and was was going to give it to her when we went out. I choose not to send flowers on the actual vday. Fast forward to that next week, she told me via text she wanted to take a break because she was scared of being dependant on me and seeing me all the time and needed to take space and do her.

 

I was crushed but believed things would work out. As an aside we took the break a week before I had to make my rank list of where I wanted to go. Fast forward to the end of march. The night before I find out where I'm going for residency she tells me she's still mad at me for not sending her flowers on vday. I explained my plan that didn't appease her and we fought. The next day I find out I got my first choice and was going to NYC. She was so happy for me and came out with me both nights that weekend to celebrate. A week later was the year anniversary of our first date, so I sent her flowers. She was so happy and we went on a date a week later cuz of it. We even kissed.

 

A week later my roommate found her on tinder and I found her on jdate(the site we met on). I accused her of seeing other people and we got in a huge fight. This was the end of April. She continued to text me occasionally during may. I found out a few weeks ago se was hooking up with someone in march. Was with another boy in April and may and is now dating him. I am devastated and crushed. This isn't the girl I dated she said she'd never hook up with a boy from the bar which my friend saw her do in march and she would never jump into a new relationship so fast.

 

She always told me how she didn't wanna be dependent on a boy and wanted to be independent. I know we are clearly done and she has moved on. I jut can't believe I was lied to and led on and destroyed by someone who I loved and trusted so much. How do I feel better? How do I forgive myself for not sending flowers? I'm such an idiot! How do I make sense of this? Did she ever really love me or was she just using me to get over her fears of being hurt? Why did she change from the innocent girl to a girl hooking with a bunch of dudes?

Edited July 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs, please use them

[carhill]

First love breakups are usually tough, especially if/when one is truly invested. The good news it that it gets better.

 

Another life tip: People change, especially when young.

 

Lastly, you'll never really know for sure if someone loves you. You can know for sure that you love someone else but even that is subject to change, just like the 'one man woman' apparently changed to 'everyman's woman'. That's how life goes!

[daisydook]

Hugs!!!

 

Love is hard, but one thing I have learned about myself is, when I am ready to love again, I love fiercely, and without fear. Maybe I am naive in that, but I have to. I do not want to rob myself of love, simply because the last one hurt me. I am more scared of never loving someone again, than I am to be hurt again. I am terrified of never feeling that way again, although illogical of me to think this way. I am an awesome lady and I think I would be really great to someone special. They would find me pretty great too. Please do not be fearful of loving again. It will be worth it.

 

Remember, it was you who was solid, and you were there and you didn't have these fears taking over. She did. You should be darn proud you allowed someone into your life, even if this feeling in your heart sucks the big one right now.

 

The thing with people, is they change their minds. It really is that simple sometimes. For example, (and these are 2 really big things I feel differently about,) at 25, I wanted desperately to be a stay at home mother and a wife, raise a few children, and then go back to work when the youngest was in school. At 30, I want to live alone (at least for a while,) and I am not sold on having children anymore. We change our minds in life, and that is okay. She changed her mind, perhaps? I don't really know.

 

Alternatively, sometimes, people just say things to get out relationships. Often times, they say things like "I need to find myself," "it's not you, it's me," "I'm just so stressed with everything else going on and its not fair to you, to date me, so I'm breaking up with you because you re just so frigging awesome and deserve the best." These statements aren't usually true, but can be in some cases. They are often lines dumpers use to make themselves feel better, when they have their eye on someone else. Basically, "I want someone else, so I am going to lie to you and tell you I need to find myself. That way, I don't sound terrible for dumping you for someone and moving on so quickly." If she broke up with you, and just happened to stumble across this guy, it sounds less harmful to her ego and most people wouldn't judge her, outwardly anyway. She sounds better, is what I am getting at. If she were to be honest, she would not sound as sweet as she once did.

 

She was probably trying to make herself feel better for dumping you, by saying what she said.

 

Remember the fond times together, and don't let this get in the way of finding love again. Please believe I have been in love, have been dearly loved and torn apart. 18 months ago, the man I was with for 9+ years ended up cheating on me. I found out 3 months before our wedding day, while we were trying for a baby. I have been broken. I have been used. I have felt a little dead inside sometimes. I have had to turn and do a 180 on everything and everyone in my life, and start over. Don't be afraid to start over!!! I am truly coming from a place of understanding your heart ache. I still believe love exists, and I think you should too. I have fond memories and only fond memories. I cannot create anymore with that man, and have no intention of doing so. I still try to only think of him positively, although it isn't easy sometimes.

 

I would go no contact with her. This will be painful if you have to hear about other men, and frankly, if you do want to get back together with her, you will ruin any chance you have with her, by keeping her in your life right now. NC is best for now, even if you do want to get back together. You cannot convince someone to see changes in you. They have to want to see the changes in you, and if you do want her back, she has to be the one to initiate that. You are going to be ok. Hang in there!!! xo

[Hockey14]

Thank you guys both for all the kind words and support. It really means a lot. My biggest problem is I can't stop thinking. Thinking about her, about the relationship, and what I did wrong. I have replayed every moment we spent together on my mind dissecting what went wrong, when she stopped loving me, looking for little signs she was going to leave me, and trying to explain why it was my fault. I feel as though I has ruined every memory of her and convinced myself it was all a sham and fake even though I know what we had was special. Hell you don't let just anyone in your life when you are that scared and that cautious. I'm sure there were tons of boys before me who failed to build what I had with her and failed to show her the things I did. My other issue is I can't stop comparing myself to her new bf. He is the opposite of me, tall 6 ft and overweight when I was little 5'7 and skinny. He dresses very trendy and fancy. I was a more modest dresser. He is out going, Mr. Social, confident, walk into the club with swagger type of guy who everyone loves. I am the nice, friendly, sweet guy who is extremely shy at first and lacks a lot of social confidence that can open up. I also don't really like to drink and party but this fat **** bozo(like seriously dude is pushing 300lbs) is mr. Fun go out and party. I can't help but think she left me cuz I was little, insecure, boring, poorly dressed and not cool. Who would want to date a nerdy dweeb insecure average looking dr? Clearly not her. How can I stop thinking like this? I am wrecking confidence and being so mean it disgusts me.

[mightycpa]

A couple of things, if I may:

 

1) Did you make mistakes? Certainly. Everybody does, and you'll never be in a relationship where you won't, and you don't want to be. You can't be in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells because the penalty for mistakes is ending it.

 

2) What you had wasn't special, it was actually pretty ordinary. Your story has been enacted several million times already, and it will be done anew several million times again. Special is when it works out in the long run, and you've got to break a few eggs if you're going to make an omelet.

 

3) It takes a while to appreciate that what you had was genuine while you had it. Almost all dumpers go through a period of decision making where they don't consult the person who will be most affected by the decision. Yes, there was a period of time where she was of two minds, but this means that she valued your relationship. Otherwise, you'd have been out in one day.

 

4) It is tough to know who you want to be replaced by... would being replaced by a loser be better than if he were the greatest guy in the world? I would suggest that you write down all of his qualities in column A, and yours in column B, and leave a blank in column C. Then think really hard about what the most important thing is that you'd like to change about yourself and what you'd like it to be instead. He may not be what you want to be, that's what column C is for --> what YOU want. Then take some steps to get there.

 

For example, when my FL broke up with me, I had the typical devastation story. As I worked my way through it, like you're doing, I saw that she had two qualities I really liked. She was brave and strong, and I felt weak and afraid. The breakup made me stronger, and I worked every day on being brave. This is what I took from our relationship, and it is valuable to me, as is she. You don't have to ruin it by dwelling on the bad stuff.

 

The way to stop thinking about her is to start thinking about you. And I'd suggest running if you can ... running helped me so much, because it initiates the release of brain chemicals that counteract the breakup brain chemicals that are floating around in your brain right now, making you feel like a recovering crack addict. So, if you can, get that dopamine flowing, and you'll see a real difference, very quickly.