so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Met a guy, in a group scenario ( not a date) and we have been out once since. He has introduced me to his friends and through them and him i have found out the following: - has 3 kids - seperated - admits the relationship became platonic - good job - educated and gentlemanly - same culture and views on it My concerns are he wants to move this thing along. He invited me to his friends place for dinner. The friend is male and i met him before. I feel he might try and get me upstairs or something. I'm drawn to him because he has the old school manners that 98% of the men i have met do not have. He insists on paying. Slight concern he is a bit larger then usual but itsok as he is tall. I'm feel scared of this, he wants more and i am scared of it. Ideally i would like to be friends....he is nice but im running away again
Author so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Also feel confused and a bit let down that he has 3 kids and i have none. Feels like im selling myself short.
MidwestUSA Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Separated means still married. Plenty of men will say their marriage became 'platonic'. I would steer clear, you're in a position to be used while he gets back into single life. Don't date anyone who hasn't been free and clear of a marriage for at least two years and is done playing around.
Author so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Yes it sounds like that but i met his friends. A female friend was talking openly about it. How do i probe further, he said seperatedfor 3 years. I do not know if he lives with his wife or not because although we have met up alone it was after a group meeting so its not strictly dating.
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 For god's sake. He can't make you do anything you don't want to do. You know how to climb stairs, don't you? Good. In that case, you also know how to NOT climb them. Logical, no? And this kid thing? It's not that you don't have any that matters. it's that you will always take second place to them, even if this ends up as the wedding of the millennium. You will always play second fiddle to them. Just as if you had kids, he would play second base to them. Naturally.... 1
MidwestUSA Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 You shouldn't pursue anything with him if you don't even know whether he's living with his wife. I can't think of a good reason anyone would be separated for three years as opposed to being divorced. Big red flag. 2
Author so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 You shouldn't pursue anything with him if you don't even know whether he's living with his wife. I can't think of a good reason anyone would be separated for three years as opposed to being divorced. Big red flag. So the correct thing to do would be to find out, ask him?
MidwestUSA Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 So the correct thing to do would be to find out, ask him? What are the odds of him having a good reason, or telling you the truth? What do you really know about this guy?
Author so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 What are the odds of him having a good reason, or telling you the truth? What do you really know about this guy? I actually thought i might get some encouragement here... He is a nice guy, has not perved in me. Admitted he wants to find someone, as his kids will grow up and he wants a partner.
MidwestUSA Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I actually thought i might get some encouragement here... He is a nice guy, has not perved in me. Admitted he wants to find someone, as his kids will grow up and he wants a partner. Okay, well how old are the kids? How long until he's unencumbered?
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I actually thought i might get some encouragement here... He is a nice guy, has not perved in me. Admitted he wants to find someone, as his kids will grow up and he wants a partner. Sadly, those outside the situation and whose eyes are not clouded by longing, emotion or desire (and I'm not necessarily talking physical) can see the bigger picture. You don't see this as 'encouragement'. We're actually encouraging you to look at this dispassionately. You have to look at the practicalities. Being a partner to a person who has such young children is going to be frustrating, time-consuming and burdensome. I repeat: They will always come first. And given that the children are so young, regular contact with their mother is a given. You are not going to be the main player in this picture. You are going to have to accommodate sudden changes of plans, and sharing him - a lot - with his family. 1
Author so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Sadly, those outside the situation and whose eyes are not clouded by longing, emotion or desire (and I'm not necessarily talking physical) can see the bigger picture. You don't see this as 'encouragement'. We're actually encouraging you to look at this dispassionately. You have to look at the practicalities. Being a partner to a person who has such young children is going to be frustrating, time-consuming and burdensome. I repeat: They will always come first. And given that the children are so young, regular contact with their mother is a given. You are not going to be the main player in this picture. You are going to have to accommodate sudden changes of plans, and sharing him - a lot - with his family. Thanks - true. He has also askedme to join him on holiday a few times. Too early. He understands my culture very well, he should not be asking this.
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Well, I don't know what your culture is, but that makes no difference. The sheer number of difficulties and obstacles this puts in the way of enjoying a close, intimate, personal relationship with him make this situation a bit of a no-brainer, really. I'm not suggesting either he or you have no right to date. I'm saying that in his current circumstances (separated, NOT divorced, young, dependent children - a situation that will not change for at least 20 years!) the thought of a serious, long-term contented and relatively trouble-free liaison is just utterly out of the question.... 2
BlueIris Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Don't date someone who makes this many internal alarms go off. You're getting a bad vibe from him for some reason- doesn't matter why- and one thing I know for sure is that you never never should ignore internal alarms. Only guessing, but it sounds like he is NOT a gentleman but he knows how to appear to be one.
Author so gutted Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Don't date someone who makes this many internal alarms go off. You're getting a bad vibe from him for some reason- doesn't matter why- and one thing I know for sure is that you never never should ignore internal alarms. Only guessing, but it sounds like he is NOT a gentleman but he knows how to appear to be one. Hmmm, i guess so and i am not gonna be doing a step mum role. It seems he wants a g/f type fk buddy.
MidwestUSA Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 6, 5 and 2 He's been separated for three years but has a two year old. He wasn't even smart enough to cover the numbers with a lie. Not a red flag, a giant sail! 3
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 ..."Red sails in the Sunset...." Says it all. Set sail on this red thing, and let the sun go down on it.
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