Mehhhx Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 Hi everyone. I've been lurking on here for a few weeks and have taken random pieces of advice, but I would like an input from anyone who reads this as I am pretty confused right now... I apologise for the long read. I am 21, my boyfriend is 23. 3 weeks ago he ended our 18 month relationship due to the constant arguing saying it had worn him down and lessened his feelings for the relationship. I was heartbroken. Our arguments always centred on his lack of emotional security he gave me/affection. It felt like he didn't feel as strongly as I did, and never once said I love you. I confronted him about it once and he said 'I don't say things like that, it's weak, and also I don't really now what it is. But I think I do love you'. This was 9 months in. Due to feeling like he didn't love me, I got clingy and I am not proud of it. Texting him when he was out [we don't live together], generally being a pain. For the last 4 months I have brought up that we need to communicate more, and I wish he'd be more open with his feelings, as I didn't think taking 2 seconds to say 'I love you' or making me feel a bit wanted was difficult. He kept saying yes he would try and promised to be 'better'. I guess 3 weeks before we broke up he texted me saying 'I don't say it much but I love you'. It meant a lot. Actual break up: We broke up after the problems just mentioned - the more he moved away the more I obviously clung on. He said 'what will be will be' and he wants space to think, and that he still wants me in his life. Well first week I decided to give him space, it was very hard, but he kept texting me which was unusual. It was partly as he missed me/friendly/healthy contact - before later admitting he had a dream I was with someone else and that was why... I was confused with the mixed signals and of course got my hopes up. He said unfortunately right now he was content being alone with no arguing so it was a no. I was sad but left him alone again trying not to contact. He said he wanted to talk friendly and not talk anything about the break up as it pushes him away and he wants to think. Everytime I spoke I got emotional and always tried to say I wish we'd sit and just talk the issues out. Therefore he would get annoyed complaining I never let him think without interruption and I'd be back at square one. We had 12 days of that, then days of no talking. He admitted he 'hoped he'd decide he wants to work things out', but also 'didn't want to give me potentially false hope so its a no for now so I don't wait as I'm fragile'. He said if he regrets it he would definitely come back, etc. He wants the freedom to go out when he wants, etc, so believes he can't have me when normal relationships balance both equally. We had a great connection, he said I deserved better [and his dad had said so], so I find it hard he's letting it go when I have apologised for my part in our arguing and I am willing to sit and sort it as everyone argues... He just seems genuinely confused. As of wednesday I have decided to go NC. I am treating it like that's it to heal and whatever happens is a plus after [if he realises he made a mistake etc he'll make it known]. He doesn't know I'm doing this. He messaged me yesterday and today asking how I was/ and then if I had a good night out. Not sure if friendly or territorial. It kills not responding, I don't want to hurt him but I need to do this for me. We both need space to reflect and he finally gets it for once and I guess to experience life without me. I would like to work things out, he knows this. I've apologised for my part and can do no more unless he decides he wants to meet [if he does]. Am I doing the right thing?
Author Mehhhx Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 Thanks. I guess I just wasn't sure if I should have told him I was planning on going NC, instead of just going ahead with it. I can't help but feel mean for ignoring his 'friendly' chatter, oddly enough. Like I said, it's for me mostly and whatever else happens is a plus, but I just don't want to scupper any bit of hope by not going the 'right' way about it as of course he has been asking for some uninterrupted thinking for awhile.
Tbisb74 Posted July 20, 2014 Posted July 20, 2014 I always think that if someone dumps us, we obviously manifested something they couldn't cope with. Naturally, that's a fairly broad, sweeping statement, but in general, there's something there they don't want to deal with any more. Now whether that's our issue or theirs, is up for grabs, and every situation is different. But if they would rather go their way, than sit down, talk it out, try to reach some kind of agreement, negotiation, discussion, whatever, then they're not sufficiently invested, and they certainly won't be down the line. You owe him nothing. He gave up on you. Don't feel sorry for him. Just cut all contact with him, and live your life for you. Are his observations correct? Do you feel there are issues within you that you need to deal with? Ok, so deal with them as you see fit. If you feel his criticisms are unfair/unjust, then he's not worth bothering over, if he couldn't be bothered with you.
Author Mehhhx Posted July 20, 2014 Author Posted July 20, 2014 I do feel our arguments were down to both of us, yes. He admitted he hadn't been the best boyfriend he could have been, and I admitted I could see why I was clingy, yet he'd have to own up to his part in instigating that clingy behaviour. I'm terrible for not giving space because of that, and so this NC also provides a chance for me to exercise self control [and show him that I am serious and willing to do my bit] and actually give us both breathing space for a clear head. I've owned up for my part in it, apologised and said I'd work on it and would be willing. I guess it's up to him whether he wants to and so I went NC to just kill 2 birds, really. If that's it, then I'll just use this to learn to get over him, yet if he's thinking over what I said, and finally has the space to do so, he can get back in touch if he wants to work on it. If so, there'd be a lot to work over if we were to meet up. Only time will tell I suppose.
Recommended Posts