Big problem with girlfriend...

[ajs1206]

My girlfriend and I have a long running problem, and we really feel it needs some outsiders opinions on. Anyway, if anyone could help us that would be appreciated. So for about a month my girlfriend and I went through a really rough patch, and as the time went by i started to realise more and more that she was getting upset very frequently, and realised that it seemed to be linked to when a female friend of mine was around, naturally, because I love my girlfriend a lot and genuinely don't have feelings for this other girl, I wanted to straighten this out with her.

 

So I confronted her about all this and we eventually talked about it. And she explained to me how she felt, and it was because she thought I liked this female friend, and it was driving her really crazy and paranoid, and she's never been a jealous person before, so she said for me to make her feel like that was a really big deal to her and really upsetting, and the feelings of paranoia and jealousy I made her feel are something she's never experienced before.

 

The problem is my female friend. So my girlfriend and my female friend had no problems whatsoever and they were getting along at the beginning. However my female friend started being mean at my girlfriend and when I was around I wasn’t aware of this and it made my girlfriend think that I was just letting it happen without doing anything about it because I liked my female friend. Also I started talking about my female friend a lot to my girlfriend because I wanted her to like my female friend and I kept saying how nice and how great she is but I now realise that it caused my girlfriend to get jealous more. I also commented on how good my female friend looked in front of my girlfriend a couple of times. When I hadn’t seen my female friend for a while I used to ask other people when we were with friends where she is. As time went by I noticed my girlfriend getting upset when my female friend was around and she left several times to go to her room while I stayed behind with my female friend. Also when I was spending time with my girlfriend I was often getting texts from my female friend to go to her room (this was happening more regularly when she was having problems with her boyfriend) and I used to leave my girlfriend alone to go and comfort my female friend. I also left my girlfriend alone while she was upset sometimes to go and find my female friend. One night my female friend was flirting with other guys and her boyfriend (who is also my friend) got upset. I told my girlfriend what happened and she got upset that I took my female friend’s side because she was the one who was wrong. All these caused my girlfriend to think that I like my female friend more than a friend but that its not true. While all this was happening I had no idea what was going on in my girlfriends mind, I found out about it later as I said in my first post. Also on the day of my birthday me and my girlfriend were having breakfast together and my female friend interrupted our breakfast and she gave me a birthday cake and presents. I learned later that my girlfriend had already bought me a cake and she told me that she thought it wasn’t right for my female friend to get me a cake without asking if my girlfriend already got me one or asking if she wanted to get a cake together with my female friend. My girlfriend felt that my female friend was excluding her on purpose.

 

 

So I promised I'd be more aware in future and we'd talk about it again and I would apologise. Now, we were really busy over the next few days, as she was packing and getting ready to leave, and although talking to her about this again and apologising was on my mind, I felt like an opportunity to talk about it didn't come up that easily, as i wanted to sit down for a while without any stresses and talk about it.

This didn't happen and then, a few days later, she got upset again, and she went over everything again, explaining how i'd made her feel and that I couldn't do nothing about it because it would make her feel unvalued and not important to her. So, again, I promised I would talk to her about it.

 

At that point, we had three days days before she left and the next two days we spent packing and going places and just enjoying the last of our time together. It was on my mind to talk to her about it but I was scared to spoil our last time together, because when we had talked about it it had only been in the form of an argument and I just didn't want to fight, because I didn't want us to end before she left for the summer on a bad note, as I thought it wasn't a nice way to say goodbye. I still did intend to talk to her about it, but the only time we had when we weren't out was when we were either with friends or packing. And it was wrong of me, I shouldn't have misjudged how bad the situation was, and realised it was just more important to talk about it regardless of how bad it potentially made things, than to not talk to her about it, because i realised how important it was to her and how much it upset her, but, regardless of this, I made a mistake, and I didn't really do anything or say anything before she left, and although we very briefly talked about it, the problem went away virtually unfixed.

 

So yeah I know I've done an awful lot wrong, I really don't need to be told that anymore it's very apparent to me that everything I did was really stupid, and the fact that the actions that I have made that upset her, could only realistically be undone or made up for by actions, not by words. I've really been at a loss though, we've talked about it countless times and she's made it clear that she wanted me to do something, not just say things because that won't fix it. It's just really difficult because it's long distance right now so actions are kind of hard to come by. I talked to my female friend about how she's upset my girlfriend with the birthday incident and that she's said things that've upset her, I thought it a good place to start in establishing a boundary and taking action to show my girlfriend i'm willing to try and fix this, but it backfired as my girlfriend was upset at how i asked, as if it was coming from her not me, and that i'd now made things awkward between the two of them, and that's important as the crux of the situation is that she doesn't want to come between me and any of my friendships, she made it abrasively clear that if it came to the point where she was making me choose between her and my female friend, she would leave, as she says she thinks friends are more important than relationships. I just really need to rebuild her trust, basically from the ground up, as she feels I don't care anymore, when the truth is I care very deeply, and I've really been stuck in a black hole in my brain with this for a really long time now, and I really want to make it up to her. And not just for the cause of the relationship, I know I've really upset her and feel bad for her as someone she trusts has let her down, not just as a boyfriend. I demonstrated to her at times a lack of understanding the importance of this to her, as well as abuse of her goodwill and trust towards me, even though that really was not what I was trying to do. I know that there is not a guaranteed quick fix to this by any means, but I really am not just trying to do the minimum, I am really willing to give 100% on this, giving as much time and energy and patience as is required to try to regain her trust towards me.

[Tbisb74]

Tell your female freind you can't see her any more. It's causing fricition between you anbd your GF, and you want to invest in your relastionship because it's important to you.

 

If you FF protests and says your GF is insecure, tell her that's not her business, and you and your GF will deal with your own personal issues your (joint) way, but your relationship is being hampered by the FF.

All she needs to know is that you won't be seeing her any more.

And put a period, underline and score it out and turn the page.

 

Never, ever mention your FF or her name again to your GF unless she asks - then tell her you told FF that you didn't want to see her any more.

 

There are no grey areas here, no compromises to be had, because a compromise in this situation is not possible, without upsetting someone's apple-cart. It's black and white.

your GF or your FF.

You can't have both.

 

And then, yes: Work with your GF on her insecurity issues.

[ajs1206]

Tell your female freind you can't see her any more. It's causing fricition between you anbd your GF, and you want to invest in your relastionship because it's important to you.

 

If you FF protests and says your GF is insecure, tell her that's not her business, and you and your GF will deal with your own personal issues your (joint) way, but your relationship is being hampered by the FF.

All she needs to know is that you won't be seeing her any more.

And put a period, underline and score it out and turn the page.

 

Never, ever mention your FF or her name again to your GF unless she asks - then tell her you told FF that you didn't want to see her any more.

 

There are no grey areas here, no compromises to be had, because a compromise in this situation is not possible, without upsetting someone's apple-cart. It's black and white.

your GF or your FF.

You can't have both.

 

And then, yes: Work with your GF on her insecurity issues.

 

 

I stated in the post that my girlfriend doesn't want me to choose between the two of them in anyway. I mean my girlfriend is a thousand times more important to me than this friend, but we've both said that it sets a bad precedent for a relationship to have to cut friends out for each other. Yes, the fact that she's upset my girlfriend makes me unhappy with her, and that is something I would like to get to the bottom of that at some point, but i feel that there are more pressing issues here.

[TXGuy]

You should cut-off contact with your female friend because she does not understand appropriate boundaries. What you are doing with her is inappropriate when you have a girlfriend, not just this girlfriend. You are not cutting off contact for your specific girlfriend, you are cutting off the inappropriate contact because you have a (any generic) girlfriend.

[Tbisb74]

I stated in the post that my girlfriend doesn't want me to choose between the two of them in anyway.

This means "But of course, I expect you to put me first, in all cases."

 

I mean my girlfriend is a thousand times more important to me than this friend, but we've both said that it sets a bad precedent for a relationship to have to cut friends out for each other.

Friends of the same sex, sure. Friends of the opposite sex? Always, but always spells trouble. It never, ever runs smoothly. QED.

 

Yes, the fact that she's upset my girlfriend makes me unhappy with her, and that is something I would like to get to the bottom of that at some point,

I'll tell you what it is, to save you the trouble of digging, because to a woman it's as obvious as the nose on your face and the friend in your pants.

She doesn't completely approve or like your GF.

Your GF is getting in the way of her friendship with you.

She's jealous. She's only a friend, but she's a Girl - Friend, and Girl - Friends always feel protective towards their Guy- friends.

She resents your GF, and doesn't believe that she's either the one, or good enough for you.

 

but i feel that there are more pressing issues here.

What pressing issues?

What could be more pressing than finishing something that will otherwise end in tears?

You don't believe me?

Ask anyone on this forum whether it's ok for a guy to have a close female friend when he's in a relationship. The general consensus will be that sooner or later, something will give.

Edited July 20, 2014 by Tbisb74

[JungleLover]

I agree with every thing TB has said in her posts. Get rid of the female friend already. You already wrote "female friend" so much in your post that I hope I don't read it again for years.

[MidwestUSA]

"I also commented on HOW GOOD my female friend looked in front of my girlfriend a couple of times.

 

I used to ask other people when we were with friends WHERE SHE IS (my female friend).

 

I noticed my girlfriend getting upset when my female friend was around and she left several times to go to her room while I STAYED BEHIND with my female friend.

 

I was often getting texts from my female friend to GO TO HER ROOM and I used to leave my girlfriend alone to go and comfort my female friend.

 

I also left my girlfriend alone while she was upset sometimes to GO AND FIND my female friend."

 

 

REALLY?! The fourth and fifth one take the cake. Honestly, I'm not sure why your girlfriend has stuck around. As others have said, you need to get this female 'friend' out of your life. Or just break up with your gf in favor of the ff. Have you ever snubbed ff in favor of your gf? Of left ff to go to your gf? I'm guessing not, since all your running seems to be TOWARD the ff.

 

You have a lot to learn. This is a long running problem because you obviously don't pick up on the cues that let you know you're in the wrong and nip it in the bud.

 

I don't really know if you can come back from this. Whether your gf is the jealous type or not, your behavior in unacceptable. Hell, even your bros would probably get annoyed if you consistently snubbed them for this ff.

 

Stop analyzing and digging into your gf's feelings, and start acting right.

[spiderowl]

You seem to be too involved with your female friend. She's taking up your time and attention and you aren't stopping her. I was surprised to read she turned up on your birthday while you were having breakfast with your girlfriend. Does she have free access to your home? Can she just barge in on a private breakfast? You don't seem to have any boundaries with this friend. Maybe the friend is dominating you a bit and up till now you have liked that? I can see why your girlfriend has had enough of this. How has this female friend come to dominate your life like this? Was she a former lover?

[angel.eyes]

I couldn't get through the long OP...way too long!

 

This is a no-brainer! Lose the female friend. She's messing with your girlfriend behind your back, playing nice to your face, and undermining your relationship. Your girlfriend shouldn't have to tell you this! Common sense should. There are no women flitting around my boyfriend's life. Period. So...no one is meddling with me and causing unnecessary drama. Ditto for my male friends. Why does this troublemaker have free reign to show up whenever and wherever and cause problems? That's on you! Sorry but in your girlfriend's shoes, I would be long gone.

 

BTW, the thread titled should be "Big Problem with Female Friend." How exactly is your girlfriend the problem in all of this?

[bubbaganoosh]

I mean my girlfriend is a thousand times more important to me than this friend,

 

Then start acting like she's a thousand times more important then your friend.

 

A relationship consists of two people but friend you haven't grasped that concept yet and you want a relationship with you, your girlfriend and your other friend. Aint gonna happen and sooner or later your girlfriend is going to tell you to piss up a rope and bail out on you so my advice to you is to wise up real quick or be prepared to lose.

[Eivuwan]

It's very simple. Tell your gf that you realize that your ff was crossing boundaries and that you were wrong for letting this happen. Tell your gf that you are cutting your ff out of your life because you cherish your gf and your relationship with her. Your gf is very odd for saying that friends are more important than relationships. I mean a girlfriend is still a friend. I don't know what to tell you. The damage is deep. You might want to show her this post because I don't know if you can tell her anything else that wasn't in there.

[Eivuwan]

I really don't understand how it got to this point before you realized that there was a problem. Did she not tell you of her concerns? Were you oblivious? This is confusing.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I also commented on how good my female friend looked in front of my girlfriend a couple of times. When I hadn’t seen my female friend for a while I used to ask other people when we were with friends where she is. As time went by I noticed my girlfriend getting upset when my female friend was around and she left several times to go to her room while I stayed behind with my female friend. Also when I was spending time with my girlfriend I was often getting texts from my female friend to go to her room (this was happening more regularly when she was having problems with her boyfriend) and I used to leave my girlfriend alone to go and comfort my female friend. I also left my girlfriend alone while she was upset sometimes to go and find my female friend. One night my female friend was flirting with other guys and her boyfriend (who is also my friend) got upset. I told my girlfriend what happened and she got upset that I took my female friend’s side because she was the one who was wrong.

 

I don't blame your gf for getting insecure. The above actions by yourself are pretty bonehead moves and if I was dating you I'd be on high alert around the friend too.

[xxmusical]

Honestly, I don't see the "big problem" being your girlfriend at all. The "big problem" is your female friend and you.

 

You left your girlfriend to comfort another girl. You watch your girlfriend leave the room while you stayed with another girl. You complimented another girl in front of your girlfriend (I hope you compliment your gf sometimes too!!!!!). You let the other girl be mean to your girlfriend. All in all it doesn't sound like you treasure your gf as much as you treasure your "female friend." I would be beyond pissed too.

 

Please set boundaries. If not, leave your friend. She doesn't know her own boundaries. Did you two used to have something in the past? There's nothing wrong with cutting off a friend if that friend wasn't respecting your relationship.